What Does It Profit a Man…?

In the middle of a group discussion some time ago, a gentleman whom I had known for a while happily announced that he was expecting a second child by another woman other than the mother of his first child.  He went on to proudly declare that he just could not deal with the first woman, because she was crazy (yaada yaada yaada)!!  Of course, I am sitting there looking at him and thinking to myself that this is what men do ALL the time.  I felt, of course, that he was talking about me – since I too, am a woman whose situation is similar to the woman with whom he had the first child (even though I had never met her), in the sense that the public declaration/justification for “leaving” was the same – I am crazy (and every other negative denotations that exist).  Being the me that I am, I was moved to say something to him regarding his announcement of her craziness, etc.  

Obviously, he is not unique in the way he negatively speaks about the mother of his first child; men have been doing that from as far back as I am able to read.  This re-presentation is very typical.  More often than not, it is the woman’s “fault” that the man has another woman/women with whom he is having his second, third, fourth and sometimes fifth child.  I find this AMUSING, to say the least; even though, there was a time when this would have, in some ways, been daunting.

Suffice it to say, I have wondered at length, having been through hell and back in a parenting apart situation, if men understand fully the repercussions of causing (undue) stress to the mother of the offspring they, often, broadcast (to all and sundry)  that they love and adore.  Is it that they are unable to make the link between the well-being of the primary care-giver and the ultimate well-being of their child(ren)?

If you are no longer with the woman, the mother of your child, and she is as crazy as you declare, why then, is it important for you to constantly speak about her and her “craziness”?  Shouldn’t your main aim be to ensure that your child is being cared for, financially, emotionally, etc.? Shouldn’t you, the sane one (man), ensure that your child is taken out of a crazy situation.  Who would really want their child to be raised by a crazy person?

The point I am making is that the focus, in situations where parents are no longer “together”, should never be on why you left the woman or how great the new woman is.  It should never be on causing pain and strife to the mother who is the primary caregiver of the child you “love and adore”.  The focus, at all times, should be on ensuring that this offspring is being cared for in such a way that fosters positive growth and development.  If a man wants to publicly declare his undying love for his new love, then that’s up to him, but it should NEVER interfere with the well-being of the child. I find it quite distasteful, hurtful, unnecessary and questionable, that a man would spend so much of his time degrading the mother of his child and not as much time ensuring that the child’s well-being is being attended to, which include everything from laundry to homework; from hair care to prayer at night; from story-reading to self-esteem building, etc.

The truth is, if this woman is as bad as you say she is, the child shouldn’t be in her care – plain and simple!

Children require so much more than a man’s financial contribution and his bitter tongue.  They require love, attention, pampering, discipline, stability, care, etc. They require a primary caregiver whose mental state is, for the most part, “uncompromised”, so that she can provide all these fundamental needs.  How can this happen if the man (the sane one) is causing her additional stress. 

A happy mom makes a happy child – everyone knows this! 

There is a correlation between the mental state of the mother and her ability to give the best care possible.  This is very obvious to me (and so many other mothers); so why does it appear that most men are unable to make that link.  Men and women have been parenting apart for forever.  None of us, who find ourselves in this situation, is unique.  It happens!  Relationships either work or they don’t.  We break up; then, we move on.  We must, however, parent together.  If you love your child, you cannot be a part of the problem – you MUST play a more integral role in the parenting solution.

Men need to understand the importance of ensuring that they are not a part of the parenting problems; especially because parenting, in and of itself, is such a mammoth task.  Let us, therefore, set aside all the emotions and act rationally for the betterment of these children with whom we have been blessed.

What does it profit a man to continually hurt the mother yet claim to love the child?  If you have nothing good to say, say nothing… it’s okay.  What you say is not a measure of your manhood; it is what you  do (for your children).  There is no need to denigrate the “old” woman in order to elevate the new one, especially when a child is involved.

Showing respect and care to the mother, doesn’t mean that you want to be with her – it’s okay!  While I am speaking to a specific scenario (parenting after a break up, etc., the same is true for parents who are still together).

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.