Are bullies born or created?

My daughter has been going through a lot of changes lately; changes which affect her in many different ways – emotionally and physically – growing pains and then some. Added to that, there is the pressure of being in a class with very unkind 8 year olds, who at such early ages/stages, have mastered the art of being unkind to each other.

For the past couple of months she has been complaining that a certain little girl in her class is constantly being mean to her.  She calls her names; she tells members of her “clique” that they shouldn’t be friends with my daughter; she picks on her for everything, and she even went as far as to tell MY child that she is “black and ugly” as well to to call her “a very bad word”  (BITCH), because she would not allow her to skip the line, among other very cruel things, which have caused her to not want to go to school.  To listen to my daughter bawl because she was tired of being picked on by this child was heart-wrenching, to say the least.  The truth is, with all the positive affirmations and being constantly told that she is beautiful by every member of my “village”, school is  STILL very important to an eight year old.  They listen to each other and they take each other’s words/actions to heart!!!

Now, as a mother, it is my responsibility to protect my child from ALL harm at ALL times – a responsibility I take VERY seriously.  I know that within the school system, there are certain protocols that must be followed when dealing with situations of this nature.  So, I followed them, and have spoken with the counselor, teacher, and principal (in that order) over the course of the numerous complaints I have gotten from my child. Hopefully, the matter is being dealt with as was promised by the principal, who says she recognizes the issue of bullying as being problematic. Naturally, I am watching and waiting, but not for long, to see if this matter of the “mean little girl syndrome” will be dealt with VERY SOON….

That being said, as someone who doesn’t just see the surface of anything, I started thinking about our children and what it is that we are teaching them by our actions, or the lack thereof.  Are we so focused on providing the material things for them that we fail to see the importance of providing that which shapes/molds them into being human beings who care for each other?  When I listen to these little girls talk, it is more about who got what; where who went; how much money daddy/mommy has, etc.  It is hardly ever about caring and sharing and loving each other.  At ages 7/8 our little girls and boys understand what it is to “hate” each other, and they understand, fully, how to execute that hate.  The shade of their skin and the length of their hair form very critical aspects in determining who befriends whom, and it is A SAD STATE OF AFFAIR if, as parents, we think this is ALRIGHT!

How do we prevent our children from bullying each other?  I have noted that bullies are not necessarily big and powerful in size…. Apparently kids bully when they believe they are “better” than another child – when they think they are “richer”, prettier, and more popular than the next child.  Where do they learn these behaviors?  Are we creating bullies or were they just born this way?

Clearly, there is something to be said about what we (parents/guardians) are doing or not doing that causes them to behave in this way.  The way we speak on the phone about each other could be something that is being channeled in their minds.  The way we talk to/about our spouses (ex) in front of our children could also be behaviours that are being patterned when they get to the classroom.  For those of you who have “helpers”, it could be how you talk to/about the people who are cleaning your homes and washing your clothes, etc. that make these children believe that it is okay to treat each other accordingly.  Our children could also be observing the way we talk to the lady who cooks the lunch at their school or even the people who clean the classroom… or the security guard who maintains order in the parking lot of their school.  So, if a classmate does not fit into the “type of people” we positively respond to, they BULLY! By our actions, it is what we are showing them – it is what they know.   Children who bully are mean, unkind and selfish – and they don’t know better.  How can they, if we don’t show them better?

As parents, we have the responsibility to our children and the wider society to correct ANY bullying tendencies we may observe in our children… Do not pretend the bullying problem away…. ABSOLUTELY no one is exempt from a bullied child acting out in a way that causes permanent harm….We see it happening everyday across the world!

We usually know if our children are bullies, so let us fix it!  There is a fundamental difference between teaching our children to assert themselves and teaching them to be bullies.  Apart from parents playing their part, schools also have a responsibility of exercising a standard of ZERO TOLERANCE to bullying.  It shouldn’t matter one hoot who the bully’s parent is or how much resources that parent is brining into the school.

Put an end to bullying before it is too late for EVERYONE INVOLVED!  In the long run, your child will have appreciated you more for the “discipline” you would have imparted.

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

@ Stacey A Palmer 2012