Operating on a full tank of faith…

Forgive me followers/supporters, for it has been approximately two years since my last blog post. LOL…  My reason for this time lapse is simple on the one hand and not so simple on the other hand.  Superficially, I have been preoccupied with life; and fundamentally, I didn’t feel like writing because the things I REALLy want to write about, I didn’t feel quite ready to do so – I operate on the mantra that “if I can’t be honest, I won’t write”.  You see, I often say to myself, people are not quite prepared for what I have to say, but if I am to be completely honest, it is I who was not truly ready to be honest, so I took that long pregnant pause… waiting for the right time to give birth to that fearless writer I admire in so many great writers of my time and way back then…

That being said, I am once again feeling the blogging bug! Thanks to a number of friends, who have taken up blogging.  For me, I always felt that I have a story to tell, because my life has been, to say the very least, very interesting.  I feel like a survivor, and I feel like I understand life at a certain level – not at the typical, “I understand life”… but like I really understand.

Approximately two years ago, I made my last post… not sure what it was about, but it was about parenting, since that is the avenue through which I have decided to share.  I stopped writing right around the time I decided to go back to school – grad school to be specific.  Wow!  When I look at that journey, it really boggles the mind how I made it through to this point – the point to which all I have to complete is my research.  AMAZING!!! Truthfully, I could not have made it through without faith – and boy was I operating on a full tank of faith with the help of friends and family who have had my back.  This has been one of my most challenging journeys, and one that I am happy to have gone through, because I have gained a new found perspective on having FAITH and believing in self.

Tough is an understatement, but I am happy to say that I am still pushing through.  As for parenting through the back to school process… HA!  Lord have mercy.   As a single mother operating on a very tight mental and financial budget, the road has been rough.  I think about the days when I had to rush home to prepare dinner and ensure that home work was done; listen to my daughter talk about the child at school who did something to her or that teacher who was rough on her or her talk about her headaches and me trying to figure out how to fix all these issues and get to school by 6:00 p.m. For those who really know me, you know when I am in class, I must derive optimum benefits, so active participation is a must – tired or not! Thank you Jesus for my villagers!  My mother would leave her job and get to me by 6:00 and I would be in class by 6:10 the latest, because I live close to the Unversity I attend.   God knows what he was doing when he made me find this place a couple years ago, because Lord knows that if I were still living an hour and a half  from work/school, I do not know how grad school would have been possible.

A lot has suffered through this journey (both my personal life and my parenting), but my daughter has been a troop.  I made no apologies when it became routine for me to leave my class each night at around 7:58 p.m. to take a call; classes ended at 9:00 p.m. and my daughter’s bed time was 8:00 p.m.  My daughter called me every night to say her prayer and for me to tell her good night ….this she did every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday/Thursday for the last year and half.  So much so that my classmates/lecturers expected it… even when I had a presentation, she would call me earlier (because according to her, “mommy I can’t sleep if I don’t say my prayers and tell you goodnight”) and I facilitated that – no matter what!  So while some things suffered, I found ways to still fulfill my parenting responsibilities.  There were days when I was so mentally drained with literally no money in my pocket, but  I was operating on a full tank of faith, and so I pulled through.    Now I am literally winding down, and I feel soooo tired.

Lately I find myself operating on “go slow” and was being hard on myself, because I still have my research to complete.  I just couldn’t understand why I was dragging my feet with resubmitting my research proposal, when all I had to do was make a few corrections and resubmit it for it to given to my supervisor (since I had already passed).   I finally handed it in four days after the fact.  A close friend of mine, when I was being hard on myself, said, “Stacey, you have been going at it really hard for the last decade… cut yourself some slack… you are entitled to operate on go-slow…..”   When she said that it hit me that I HAVE been going non-stop….emotionally and otherwise.   So, I did just that – I cut myself some slack.

Today, as I sit and ponder about my life (personal and parenting), it occurred to me that I have not a darn thing to worry about.  I am reaching for that same full tank of faith I operated on when I applied to and was accepted into grad school (without having a dime)… that same full tank of faith that took me  through many sleepless nights doing assignments and preparing for presentations and exams… that same full tank of faith that made me pass EVERYTHING without a single fail… that same full tank of faith that provided for me when “water was more than flour”… that same full tank of faith that provided me the needed strength to deal with my daughter and her medical complaints, etc…. I am operating today on that full tank of faith that was recently restored by reading blog posts by fellow bloggers, Maya Deer –Troy, Tessa Barry and Michelle Coffee Scott, all of whom spoke about faith from different ends of the spectrum.

I am writing this totally from my heart, so the lesson in this post is to reach for something else bigger than you when “you” appear to not be enough… for me it was my full tank of faith … it brought me to it and it brought me through it… and while I am not done yet, I am still holding on to it….  As parents (single and otherwise), we must sometimes “cut ourselves some slack” – give yourself a break!  The same is to be applied to everyone else who is not yet a parent.  Find that thing greater than yourself and hold on to it when you feel like you can’t make it another day, and “cut yourself some slack”.

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

NamaStacey!