CO-PARENTING DURING THE PANDEMIC

“In the midst of the pandemic, people will show you one of two things:  the magnitude of their LOVE, or the extent of their hate.” – Stacey A Palmer 2020

PREAMBLE: The interesting thing about chronicling the pandemic parenting experience is that not every parent – mother or father (guardian, etc.) will identify with each post, because our unique situations place us into different parenting categories.  It is the hope, however, that at the very least, there is something to be garnered from each post, no matter one’s categorization.  So, let us talk a little about co-parenting….

Since the pandemic struck, there has been a multiplicity of research about the impact of COVID-19 on different groups.  One thing that is evident is that women have been the most affected group, specifically mothers.  As the cases continue to rise, I find myself thinking more and more about those children who are a part of a co-parenting situation and how this may impact them, one way or another.

When this pandemic began, it was reported that children were not susceptible to the virus.  Recently, the reports show something completely different, as more and more children are being infected, some of whom have even died.  The CDC has reported that “while fewer children have been sick with COVID-19 compared to adults, children can be infected with the virus that causes COVID-19, can get sick from COVID-19, and can spread the virus that causes COVID-19 to others”[1].

With this report comes the many concerns that parents have about keeping their children safe.  Parents must work, so children are either left in the care of another person or are required to stay with a caregiver or must interact with someone else that is not a member of their immediate household or are simply left by themselves (age permitting).  This concern is further compounded by those who are required to co-parent.  With co-parenting comes visitations by the parent with whom the child does not reside, fully.

Aside from the daily co-parenting challenges that existed prior to the pandemic, there are added stressors associated with parents keeping themselves and the children covid-free.  As such, parents are left asking pertinent questions such as:

1. How do we navigate the risk of infection to fulfil our parenting responsibilities?
2. How can we be assured that the other parent is operating at the same Covid-19 awareness levels and doing everything to keep themselves safe?
3. What can each parent do to ensure that the child spends quality time with the other parent and protect both parent and child(ren).

I have spoken to several mothers who are having a challenge with how to ensure their child remains covid-free especially in light of the co-parenting situations.  Because of this, visitations are minimal or sometimes non-existent.  What makes this even more problematic is that the challenges extend to other fundamental concerns, such as maintaining the parent-child bond.

As adults responsible for the parenting of our children, it is important to establish co-parenting strategies that will help to ensure that the children are beneficiaries of our parenting presence and that their new normal is a lot less confusing. Still, the parent who resides elsewhere may decide to stay away to protect the child or to protect themselves from contracting the virus or for any other reason they deem significant to them.  While one can argue the validity in each parent’s choice, it is prudent to ensure that the decisions of the adults, within this pandemic context, work to the betterment and not to the detriment of our children.  They are paying attention.

So while I will not propose to have the all-encompassing solutions to suit every co-parenting scenario, there are suggestions that I believe would be helpful if safety is the number one concern:

1. New visiting schedules must be established and maintained. Agree on a time/date when the visit(s) will take place each week/month, etc.  and stick to the agreed time/date etc. Children respond positively to routines.

• Come prepared in your masks and face shield, etc. and maintain the appropriate physical distance by setting up a physical- distant seating for parent and child(ren).

• As the adult, plan the time you have with the child.  Plan a game.  Talk about something light.  Find out what you can help with re homework. etc.

• If/when you can, take the child’s favorite snack/fruit/book, etc.

• If visits are few, establish a call/facetime, etc. pattern/schedule and stick to it.  Checking in is better than checking out. 

• Without realizing, the deliberate strategies of adults will help our children to reimagine the time spent with the other parent.  Before you know it, a new co-parenting norm is accepted because it is thoughtfully established. 

• My observation is that once we are interacting with those people we love – who do not reside with us – we tend to relax our covid-prevention stance.  As co-parents, it is important to be careful not to do that with our children; unless tested, we cannot be sure of our status, etc.

It doesn’t matter your parenting background, every adult I have encountered/heard of, etc. is finding this a challenging time.  What I do know, too, is that the children are finding it quite the task to process all the changes that this situation has created.  It is, therefore, the responsibility of the co-parents to put on their adult undies and “solutionize” the heck out of this, because this will be with us for a while; no one knows for how long.

Evidently, this post does not provide an exhaustive list on how to operate in every single parenting situation, because the age of the child will determine how the co-parents operate.  The idea is to encourage parents to be strategic and deliberate in our efforts to ensure that our presence is felt in our children’s lives and that the entire pandemic parenting responsibility does not lie solely on one parent  – the effects of which are many, and for another post.

REMEMBER:  For our children’s sake, it is better to check in than to check out!

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[1] https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/children/symptoms.html#:~:text=While%20fewer%20children%20have%20been,causes%20COVID%2D19%20to%20others.