Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted someone to stand up for you, and they didn’t.? How disappointed were you that your expectations that this person whose experiences were similar to yours and who “looked” like you did not open their mouth or do anything to defend you?
Many of us are able to identify with this – man and woman.
It seems that women have had the most unpleasant experiences with not getting the assistance from their female counterparts and have suffered the greatest disappointments because of this. So much so, that women have been re-socialized to have zero expectations, for the most part; female to female assistance is no longer a requirement or an expectation among many women.
Was it ever though?
There are many references of this within the Jamaican landscape and certainly the world over with the prevalence of the continued lack of pro womanhood being played out in our society, and recently seen by the beating of a teenage girl by a group of women, which has unearthed so many issues that women and girls face in this world – by other women – and by society in general. I am reminded of a simple, yet profound situation that was relayed to me ….
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Sandra enters the room with trepidation, grappling between utilizing her voice for the greater good or being silent in order quell the concerns of the irate few. The day before, she was made aware of a “complaint” that was lodged against her.
“Why do you always allow Sandra to speak?” quipped Beatrice to the instructor.
“When given the chance, you have nothing to say, so what is your real problem with her?” the instructor hastily replied.
The instructor was clearly annoyed for more reasons than one. She was tired of the unfounded complaints. Also, she was very tired of the way she observed a few of the young ladies chastising Sandra for utilising her voice, when it was evident that the entire group benefitted from what she had to say. Further, many of them refused to speak up, even when given the opportunity to do so.
Beatrice really didn’t know how to answer the question, because she knew that the instructor was correct. There really was no legitimate reason for wanting Sandra, the person of her exact likeness, to be silent other than what she had been taught – inadvertently. The lack of support, for no real reason, made no sense. Still, it was what she knew.
Agatha, who was in ear shot of the conversation, agreed with the instructor (quietly to herself) that the Beatrice’ and the other girls’ complaints were invalid. Even though she could identify with being silenced, she has never spoken up for Sandra. After all, it wasn’t her fight.
In the end, Sandra decided to ignore the “silencing” and continued to utilize her voice – for herself and for the greater good – as she should (something that the instructor encouraged).
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This is a familiar story[1] not unique to Sandra’s experience.
(Some) women do not like to hear the “voice” of other women.
When asked what gave her the courage to continue to speak, etc., Sandra (in her late teens) expressed the following:
- Her intention was not to expose anyone else’ limitations.
- She spoke when she asked….
- Only very few chose to speak in the sessions, despite being asked/begged.
- She always pre-read and therefore had contributions to make.
- She was taught very early to utilize her voice, especially to edify.
- She refused to cater to the insecurities and unfounded chastisement of others.
Having listened to her, I explained that attempts to silence the woman is an age old one that would, more likely than not, follow her into adulthood, because it existed before her and would, more likely than not, be around after her. It happens at the workplace, in the homes, in marriages, in the church, in politics, etc.
The fact is that women have had to overcome many historic barriers in order to enjoy the right to speak up in many forums. Unfortunately, there are others who are working twice as hard as we have fought to secure our space to ensure that we don’t forget our “place” and stand in the silencing.
The plight for us is that there are also some women who continue to do what has been done to us; we attempt to silence each other (sometimes in sinister ways), and we are taught this from very early in our childhood, whether directly or indirectly. Despite this, women are encouraged to utilize our voice, because it is in this use that major societal transformations are made. Even so, there are times when our lack of speech is necessary and will send a strong message. In this case, the power attached to the silence is ours – we would have exercised agency – which at one point we didn’t have.
The questions that beg to be asked within the parenting scope are:
- How do we raise our daughters to be aware of the power of her voice and not be afraid to utilize it?
- How do we raise our sons to reject the “silencing of the woman’s voice”?
- How do we change the mind-set of those who have been taught to silence the woman’s voice thereby perpetuating and projecting this mind-set unto our children and society at large?
- How do we normalize women supporting each other instead of taking part in the silencing?
Evidently, within each question lies the answer.
The silencing happens so early in the socialization of our children that if we become more aware of its effects, we can strive to raise children to become more supporting human beings, thereby normalizing the UNSILENCING OF THE FEMALE’S VOICE. This is not an impossible feat.
Honestly (and maybe uncomfortably), every person (man or woman) falls into the category of one of the four characters (or is a combination) presented earlier; so…..
Are you Beatrice? Are you Sandra? Are you the instructor? Are you Agatha?
Regardless, it is never too late to change one’s disposition/position…. for the better.
After all, “When you know, you grow”.
[1] A true experience with some embellishments/name change, etc.
PARENTING, ADVOCACY AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN 