MINDING OUR children’s BUSINESS.

If you know anything about us introverts it is that we are good with just a hello.  The unnecessary chatter is not something that we encourage, unless we are with those very few we truly want to chat …

So imagine my complete inconvenience when I was stopped by someone whose sole purpose was to remind me of an experience my offspring had several moons ago.  So why did I even stand there to listen you may ask?  The answer is simple, I just did.  Furthermore, the introvert is always accused of being “rude”, “stand-offish”, “unfriendly”, “weird”, “sometimeish” … and the list goes on, so in a failed attempt to abide by society’s expectations, I stood in self-inflicted punishment while this person (not a part of the parenting village) provided their unsolicited take…

To pass the time, I started writing a poem in my head while this person spewed.  Somewhere between the middle of this person’s opinion and my internal poetry-writing, I was interrupted by another thought (because us introverts think A LOT – it is how we create): 

We should NEVER chastise our children for making similar “mistakes” we made as children, and we should never entertain ANYONE who thinks they can.

 I am careful to say “entertain”, because it is not always necessary to “confront” and/or “put someone in their place”.  It is better, in some cases, to “maintain the peace” and find a reason to excuse yourself –  to just skedaddle from the ramblings.  Sometimes you may just have to stand there. After all, “there is no point in making an enemy out of a thief; just hide your valuables, and keep it moving” (2020 lesson no.5).     

I digress… (as I usually do…)

The truth is, I really could have excused myself, but I chose to remain, for more reasons than one.  Plus, sometimes you have let a person “tell you who they are” by hearing what they have to say. 

Later that day, I also thought about some parents’ need to share too much of  parenting experiences with others.  Some parents volunteer too many “private” details about children’s business with others who do not always have good intentions or thoughts. 

We need to stop!

While sharing is necessary to help with the parenting process, we must be careful with whom we share and about what we share in relation to our children’s growth journey.  While I will be the first to admit that I do not know everything, I continue to teach my offspring to stand firmly in her truths and to NOT let anyone use her journey as a weapon against her by shaming her into permanent hiding.  After all, we live in an era where shame is one of the most popular weapons used by many, especially grown folks. Social media and the finger warriors are just as vicious as those adults who will place their limited understanding and visceral misinterpretations unto our children thereby attaching certain labels that have nothing to do with who we are raising our children to be or who they are at their core. 

Sometimes life requires us to learn by actually learning.

Let me give pause for a second to those who may argue that they won’t hide what their children do…. Read again.  That is not what is being promoted here.  In fact, a part of how we handle these “indiscretions” as parents is to hold our children accountable.  The manner in which we do so is incumbent on the individual context. Also, depending on what they have done, there is likely to be some amount of embarrassment and shame.  The point is to not let another adult (parents included) weaponize that shame by attaching labels about who our children are NOT.     

We must, therefore, be mindful of the adults in our children’s space.  We must also respect our children’s privacy by treating with dignity their “sacred truths” from which life-long lessons are formed.  While a person may have some access because of proximity (in one way or another), not everyone you know should know what is happening with your child.  Not everyone who thinks they know what you know that they do not know should be allowed to speak on your child – at least not to you or to the child. Such a person should definitely not be allowed to take up residence in your psyche. Their opinion about what they may think they know should be treated as such – an opinion. After all, “context is important to critique”[1].  In other words, if you do not have access to context, then your interpretation might very well be skewed.

How many of us actually realize this?

In this age, with everything being so fast-paced and where morals are not quite what they were, it is prudent for us to speak positivity over our children.  Consequently, we have to be very deliberate about those we allow to interject their thoughts unto them.   Our children will ALWAYS do something that hurts or shocks us.  This is nothing new.  It is how we respond that will, more likely than not, determine the extent of their growth (or the lack thereof).

Show me a parent who has never had an off-putting experience with a child, let alone their child, and I show you a liar. 

When I think back on my youth, I shudder to think about some of the things I did, some of which my mother is clueless about to this day.  I also had the experience where adults chastised me into thinking that my indiscretions made me the worst person alive.  While I am not encouraging us to let our children roam wild in the proverbial streets (for all those people in the “back”), our children deserve the support, understanding and allowance we may not have been given when we were children. 

What many of us fail to truly grasp is that children become adults who take their childhood experiences with them into adulthood.  How we respond or allow others to respond to their journey will make a difference to how they respond when they, too, become adults.

Ease up pan di critique, and offer a word of encouragement.  You were a child once… remember?

Takeaways:

• Be very selective with whom you speak about your child.
• Do not volunteer your child’s business in a space that is not “safe”.
• Honour and monitor your child’s privacy.
• Help your children to use their “indiscretions” as life lessons
• There is a difference between chastisement and holding our children accountable.
• A child’s “growth’s journey” is necessary for their overall development.

BRAWTA:  A brisk walk will deter a chatterbox who doesn’t know that they don’t know what they think they know ….

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[1] Stacey A Palmer 2018