I am literally experiencing a kaleidoscope of emotions right now. I am tired, drained, angry and confused from all the news about women being beaten, raped, abused in one way or the other and killed. I just don’t get what is happening. I know that this is nothing new and that women have been suffering at the hands of men for ages and that this is a global crisis, but it just seems more prevalent now than it has ever been, and I feel …. HELPLESS!
I thought about all the other adjectives I could use to describe how I feel, but literally could not come across anything else that correctly sums it up than helpless. In fact, it made me scared to write that word, because I felt that admitting my situational helplessness was making me more vulnerable and endangered than I have been feeling of late, and I do NOT want to even echo that out into the universe, for VERY obvious reasons. So, there you have it.
But really and truly, what is going to happen to us women? What do we need to do to put an end to this violence that is being meted out to us? What is it that we are missing in this man-woman equation? Why is the man-woman math not adding up? WHAT ARE WE MISSING AS A WORLD that allows so much hate to be projected and perpetuated toward the female species by our male counterparts.
I wrote an entire three-page blog on the matter of rejection and it being a main reason, but I just didn’t feel like posting that, because my heart feels so broken, and I didn’t feel like appearing to rationalize the male’s response to us, nor did I feel like confusing the issue with what may come across as justification, even if that weren’t my intention. I made the decision to abandon that three-pager (for now) and just let my emotions guide this piece, because there is a time and place for one’s emotion, and this Gender-based violence pandemic, is such a time; YES, GBV is a global pandemic!
Women are hit hard with a double whammy since the bulk of the COVID-19 pandemic responsibilities have landed on our heads and statistically we have been the most affected; plus, we are also forced to deal with a continued GBV pandemic that appears to have no end in sight!
Enough already!
As women, we have had so much to deal with. We carry the man’s seed to bear his children. But it doesn’t end there; we are responsible for mothering children (even those that are not our own), which involves everything from feeding the children to transforming society. And it doesn’t end there. We are responsible for raising girls who should know how to protect themselves from men who violate. We are also supposedly responsible for raising girls who should know what to do to PREVENT men from violating us. We are also responsible for raising boys to become men who love and respect women. BUT GUESS WHAT? This is not going so well, because they end up killing us. It is too much!
With this in mind, is it, therefore, wrong of me to stand resolute in my assertion that ….
women continue to raise boys to become men that we would NEVER date.
But why though?
I concur with Psychotherapist, Barth (2018) that “the social context in which many of these men have grown up teaches that emotions like sensitivity, sympathy, kindness, understanding and dependency are signs of weakness, and that “real men” are tough and hard[1].” We teach our sons not to cry. We tell them that the kitchen is the woman’s place. We don’t teach accountability from an early age. We equate bad behaviour with cute behaviour – to “boys will be boys” behaviour. The discipline of boys is luke—warm, while we are hard and fast with our daughters, and the boys witness this in their homes, and in society. We are unkind to girls, and little boys see this, which continues into their adult lives. We chase boys from the room when “female matters” are being discussed, so they are clueless when they get older. We do this, then we normalize these behaviours that spill over into society, and the vicious cycle continues.
What a heavy burden for the woman to carry. It seems that we carry the burden of societal ills on our heads, (and I am deliberately not saying shoulders). We do so much, yet we continue to be hated. It has to be hate that allows a man to kill a woman who may have offended him in one way or another. Why is it so necessary to eliminate the woman’s body – her entire being – when she offends you? Why isn’t leaving the situation a viable option. Why isn’t conflict resolution an alternative?
Admittedly, I am so conflicted, because even while writing this in my attempts to understand this frightening madness, I feel like I am doing the exact same thing that society continues to do to victims of GBV – BLAME WOMEN! It is our fault for failed parenting, and it is our fault for a failed society. We blame a woman when she is beaten by her partner/lover…. She deserves it, because she shouldn’t have cheated or lied, or she should have taken better care of HIS children (never mind that the man is not playing his role). We blame a woman when she is raped… she deserves it, because her butt cheeks were out – her shorts were too short. We blame a woman when she is killed by her lover/the man who takes her to work in the mornings …. She deserves it, because she took his money and his gifts, and she knew she didn’t want him.
The audacity of me – a woman – to be talking about the role that a woman is expected to play in the upkeep of society within the context of its moral standing. This is what we have been taught though. This is what society dictates. Even as I have some discomfort in my own assertion (because it feels “blamey”), I cannot help but agree that the role of the mother IS a significant one that cannot be ignored. Be very mindful, though, that mothering is not limited to she who gave birth to him; we send our boys to school for 8 hours out of the day where 75% of the teachers are females; they are being mothered there too. Let that sink in for a bit. The global society tells us that she should bear the children, rear/raise the children/ teach boys what it means to be a man. She is responsible for teaching a boy how to treat a woman, and when she raises a boy who becomes a man who hates women, she is chastised, because she failed to ensure that he acted in accordance. It is her fault.
Women are not able to catch even one break!
The audacity of society to burden the woman simply because she is woman. But… we cannot ignore our role and the impact that we are making (positively or negatively).
So where are the men in the parenting process? What is the role that the men are expected to play in the boy—rearing process and why is it the woman’s fault for raising someone who becomes a murderer, rapist, abuser, etc.
The interesting thing about this is that men who abuse women would confront anyone who violates his own mother. Yet, he has no qualms about massacring the one who operates in his mother’s likeness. She who bears his child. She who is contributing to the growth of society. She who is simply trying to make ends meet to care for her family. She who has just started life. She who is loving her growth and contributing to his. She who cares for him. What foolishness is this, and from whence does this foolishness stem?
The audacity of these men who continue to abuse, rape and murder our women to think that somehow, their mothers are the only ones worthy….
(The question that begs to be asked here is, “Could it be that the “protection” of his mother is simply a performance of what is expected rather than a true enactment of the respect they ACTUALLY have for their mothers?”…. since maybe they have NO respect for their own mothers?)
Why then, having suffered so much at the hands of men who hate women, who were raised by women whose pain have been evident to them (men the world over), do we (as women) continue to raise boys that we would never date?
Evidently, I have answered nothing really, because I have NOT the answers. No one does, apparently. This is why there have been so many Conventions, Treaties, international think tanks, global meet-up, global funding, advocacy groups, public outcry etc. established to figure this out, but NO ONE has been able to quell the noise – to eliminate the concern – or to stop the violence against women. Gender-based violence is that enigma that we have not been able to decipher….
… not a single solitary soul knows why!
Do these men not realize that the women they abuse, rape and murder are their own mothers (I am her; she is me)….. or is their knowing the reason for their doing?!!!
Loads of food for thought to ponder. May God help us all!
As we pray for each other while we navigate this GBV pandemic, please enjoy another reading from my recently-held virtual poetry book launch (March 14, 2021), The Chronicles of a Woman: The Truth-teller. This performance of Worthy Too is quite fitting, since it examines the connection between the man’s treatment of his mother in relation to the treatment of other women. When you are finished, thank you for heading over to www.amazon.com, and purchasing your copy.
[1] https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/why-are-men-so-terrible-what-can-we-do-about-ncna895306
PARENTING, ADVOCACY AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN 