IS A FICKLE FRIENDSHIP FAKE OR IS A FAKE FRIENDSHIP FICKLE?

Can anyone say today’s blog title five times without being tongue-tied?   Try it and let me know….

I couldn’t.

Friendship is an important part of every person’s life.  It contributes to the overall well-being and happiness of an individual.  Even the recluse relies on “friendship” of some kind in order to survive, at some point – in some way, shape or form. Similarly, the introvert also enjoys a small circle of people with whom they share friendships in the same way an extrovert has their own group of friends that is important to their well-being.   Whoever you are, Psychologists argue that friendship, in its different degrees, adds value to a person’s life.

Before we delve into the question posed in the title, let us define (and later deconstruct) the key words.

The Oxford dictionary defines fickle as “changing frequently, especially as regards one’s loyalties or affections[1]”. According to Leibowitz (2018), friendship is a relationship between two people in which each participant values the other and successfully communicates this fact to the other.”  Finally, and from my perspective, when something is fake, it is not real.  It is contrived and it is made up to look like the real thing, except it isn’t.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way.  I do not know a sane person who would, out of nowhere, declare a friendship without there being a mutual exchange of such.  Arguably, this mutual exchange isn’t always explicitly stated but often involve actions that serve as relationship-forging/defining indicators.  When this happens, we start to treat each other in a manner that reflects the nature of the relationship we have forged, over time.  With this, there are certain expectations that we would have established of those relationships that we do not necessarily require of regular interactions.  After all, when two people operate in a friendship space – where they both enjoy an equal exchange of agreed upon behaviours – bonds become tighter and a person’s quality of life improves, in an ideal world.

The problematic nature of relationships that make a person question the friendship they believe they may have forged comes from the discovery that those things that the person requires of you, which is given to them and taken from you by them is NOT reciprocated.  It is either not always reciprocated or the exchange happens sporadically or only when it is convenient to them or only done in private. 

When this happens continually is when you begin to question if this friendship that you thought you had with someone is real or fake.  The fickle and convenient nature of the friendship is exposed when one person realizes that they are not getting what they are giving.  Let me make something clear here:  the definition of friendship being used within this context is the one mentioned earlier.  Therefore, consider that within that mutually established space, and try to garner how it would become problematic when the friendship “agreement” is breached. If you require, are given and then take the spoils of a friendship that you only sporadically return, then the friendship is no longer a friendship but something else.  The question that begs to be asked is…Is this friendship fake? 

The fickle nature of a relationship is what will cause it to crumble.

Let me just go off track (or maybe the analogy is fitting) and just say that this notion of a fake friendship shouldn’t be a surprise to any of us really.  If orgasms can be faked and have been by many for many different reasons usually beneficial to all involved, then I imagine that it is easy for a person to fake their closeness to you, if they discover early that there are benefits to this.

The flip side to all of what I just said is that the nature of a person’s friendship with you may change for a myriad of reasons.  A person’s ability to reciprocate within that mutually-agreed friendship space is sometimes interrupted by the challenges of life that he/she may be experiencing but unable to say.  While this does not necessarily need further discussion, I believe that most would agree that this interjected scenario is not that which may cause the crumble and problematic nature of the relationship.  Within the ambits of a true friendship (as opposed to a fake one), this scenario is often understood, discussed and forgiven.  This happens when this type of lull in the friendship is not usually the modus operandi within the friendship space

Whether a relationship is romantic or platonic, the levels of friendship defined and discussed here are applicable still.  Whatever the case, close friendships can only be sustained when both parties operate in “Sacred Reciprocity”.  Once something is sacred to us, we treat it with the love of God.  Anything outside of that will result in unmet expectations, which will ultimately result in strife.   We are encouraged to understand and accept that relationships/friendships end every day when realizations occur.  Sometimes we are just not meant to be, and that is alright too.  After all, people do fall out of friendship in the same way we fall out of love.

So, to answer my own question – “is a fickle friendship fake or is a fake friendship fickle, I will say this…

Even though I feel like the answer can be found within each unique friendship situation, the question seems null and void If we operate on the premise that sometimes people come into our lives not for us but for them.  It wouldn’t matter, either way, if we accept that maybe we were sent to fulfill a purpose in their lives (almost like doing the work of the Lord), so we won’t necessarily gain what we give – that simply would not be an expectation that we hold.   Honestly, we won’t always have access to what our purpose is/was in that person’s life, and sometimes they won’t even be able to fully understand what our purpose was until the time comes for the lesson to be applicable – sometimes long after our “friendship” with them has ended.

As difficult and disappointing as this is to swallow, we have to accept the idea that people are people, who operate in time and season.  Some are for now; some are for later, and some are forever!  If we truly get this, falling out of a friendship or have a friendship leave us, is a lot less painful.  You may even find that there is no pain in the end, there is only well-wishes.

With that being said, the ones who are constant – those who return exactly what they require and take from you – are operating in “Sacred reciprocity” and should, therefore, be cherished, because those are also blessings.  When friENDships end, those should be celebrated too, because there is ALWAYS lesson to be garnered, no matter how disappointing or painful.  

If you have not gotten anything else from the title, etc., I’m sure you will get a little laughter from attempting to say it five times straight without tongue-twisting…

….“Is a fickle friendship fake or is a fake friendship fickle”

As you ponder on the friendships in your life, please enjoy a member of NEAT[2] reading of my poem, “Sacred Reciprocity”, which she performed on March 13, 2021, at the virtual book launch of my first poetry anthology, “The Chronicles of a Woman:  The Truth-teller”, which is now available on www.amazon.com or contact me, if you are in Jamaica and would like to purchase a copy.  The poem highlights the significance of returning the love (friendship) you receive, in Christ!

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[1] https://www.researchgate.net/publication/330476073_What_is_Friendship

[2] The New English American Theatre (NEAT) is a German non-profit theatre troupe in Stuttgart, Germany. The troupe presents an annual fundraising project called “V-Day Stuttgart” to raise money in order to fight gender-based violence in and around Stuttgart.