A SISTER KNOWS…!

It is interesting how 2 heavy days out of a 7-day week can infiltrate the experience of your entire week and let you feel like your entire week was bad.  These are the lies we tell ourselves that we somehow believe!  Luckily for me, a sister/friend checked in and offered a very timely reminder…  We all need people like that in our lives… those who see us in our growth stages and who are there to remind us of who and whose we are! 

So, here I am….

Society says it is “Mother’s Day” weekend, so I should be writing about mother’s day, but that is not quite me.  Those people who know me know that I am not big on “days” – not Valentine’s day, Christmas Day, Graduation Day, Fathers’ Day, etc.  For me, for example, graduation day is exactly that – the day you graduate, but not necessarily the day you are finished.  You have to first finish before you can graduate; graduation day is a formality – a choice.  Plus, I tend to celebrate my milestones very privately.  When I have completed a programme, etc, I will reflect on the journey and operate in thankfulness.  No ceremony for me! (but I will do it for my daughter’s graduation).  But that’s just me… the other days are just days, because I honestly feel that we should celebrate those people in our lives every chance we get and not wait on these “specially selected” days to do so.  Again, that’s just me.  I don’t interfere with those who do, but become a tad peeved by those who will treat a person horribly all year round and then make a big splash of these society-assigned days of celebration for public display.

But this blog is not about that…. LOL… or maybe it is partly about that.

Yesterday, a friend of mine sent me a screenshot of a twitter post that reads, “Whatever you do, stay away from women who humiliate other women for male attention.”

This statement is a very loaded one that extends way beyond the scope of what it communicates.  Therefore, when I saw this, it resonated with me, because I often observe and speak about how unkind we are as women to other women, even when we have been through a similar turmoil/joys, etc. as another woman.  I often wonder what is it about us that allows us to be this way to each other.  What I also find interesting is that the men who treat women horribly often have other women who support or assist them doing so; I call these women “Grave Diggers”.    

While I have my own why-theory, I also agree with the experts, such as Andrews (2020)[1] and Gabriel (2018) who state that women are unkind to each other for a number of reasons which include, but not limited to, jealousy, the mistreated woman violating gender expectations (such as being too assertive or confidence) or competing for the spot in favoured space/the same resources (or maybe even competing for men).  There is also evidence that women are even more unkind to each other than men are to each other.  We also know that in addition to that, women suffer at the hands of their male counterparts; either way, women are feeling the brunt from all angles.

I remember being in one of my gender classes having one of those deconstructed in-class discussions, when my lecturer asked the question, “should a woman expect support from another woman just because she is a woman?”.   I don’t remember getting an answer, but this has been food for thought; let’s just say that I have a mixed response to this – one that requires its own post to discuss.  Still, the question that begs to be asked is:

is it unrealistic that a woman should expect support because she is woman – she is me, and I am her – i.e. our struggles are similar?  

For my female readers: Have you ever walked into a room with more men than women and you automatically gravitate toward the space occupied by the women hoping for some kind of solidarity/warm welcome, etc., but you receive quite the opposite for no apparent reason, even when your intentions are pure?    For the purpose of mentioning the flip side, I guess  I could also ask… “have you ever walked into same room and gravitate toward the male side of the room and completely ignore the other females…”.  

Many women look at their intersectionality as a divider – a complete separation – than they are able to see the similarities.  For example, she who is educated, uptown, married and mother is often unable to identify with she who is uneducated, downtown, unmarried and mother; meanwhile, they are both suffering the same fate in their homes/work life, etc. If we stopped to engage (beyond critiquing each other’s attire, affiliation, background and approach, we would discover that we are sisters in our pains and joy, our purpose and healing.  I have had women look me up and down and decide, without a word exchanged, that they “can’t stand me” (to a textbook introvert, this is not always a bad thing, but I digress).  I have had women with whom I had never interacted “borrow hate” (a concept I introduced in an earlier blog) and treat me according to what has been spewed.  I have had women who have been the “grave digger” in my life; some of these women have been older women who are also mothers with similar struggles. I have also witnessed the silence of women in situations where another woman needed her support.

Let me hasten to say that, regardless of what we may feel, I am certain that there is a woman somewhere who didn’t have the best experience with us, whether or not we argue this to not be the case.  A friend of mine once said to me, ‘…we are all a villain in someone’s story.”  And I am not talking about the smearer (reference to an earlier blog)….

I have also had the very opposite of that.  I have enjoyed beautiful relationships with women who have stood firmly in support of me.  I have had beautiful friendships that have died a natural death, but still left their marks, so love for them remains to this day.  I have had friendships that transcend death.  I have had friends who are like sisters and sisters who are friends.  I have also witnessed friendships between other women blossom beautifully.  Bottom line, my experience has been good and bad, and I am deliberately not saying which I have had more of (the good or the bad). 

Advocacy can be tiring, because I feel like the more things change is the more they remain the same; therefore, what is the point?  For as long as I have known myself women have been complaining about the way we treat each other.  It feels like it won’t ever end.  Could it be that we have been taught these unrealistic expectations of each other or is it a fair expectation to have had.  Regardless, I encourage all of us women to extend beyond competing and insecurities and stand in support of each other, despite our intersectionality, and despite those invisible barriers that have been created to keep us blinded and divided.  We don’t need to know a woman’s personal story to understand her plight; all we need to do is to think about our own struggles.  I have had so many conversations with women from different socio-economic background, and my biggest takeaway is that we are one and the same – in our love life, in our quest for peace, in our desire for success, and in our MOTHERING, etc. (see what I did there)  Let love reign.

As you ponder on these things, please enjoy the reading of my poem, A Sister Knows, from my recently launched book, The Chronicles of A Woman:  The Truth-Teller.  Once you have enjoyed this beautifully executed piece, head over to www.amazon.com, and get your mother, sister, friend, wife, aunt, etc. a copy.  You will NOT be sorry you did! 

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[1] Andrews, S (2020).  Why Do Women Don’t Always Support Other Women.  Forbes.  https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2020/01/21/why-women-dont-always-support-other-women/?sh=5dd6e6193b05