The Parent Actor: a necessary show.

The Parent Actor:  A necessary show.

Since she was able to properly formulate a sentence, the routine has always been that she would provide me with either a blow by blow of her day or a synopsis of the main happenings of her time away….  Not much has changed since she was a toddler, except that now the conversations have evolved to a more complex subject matter (pun intended) and my engagement requires more depth.

When they are toddlers, they rely on us to validate that which they report after their day at preschool, because the conversations are typically light and identifiable:  counting, The Three Little Bears, Paw Patrol, the letters of the alphabet etc.; those have nothing on us.  We are able to actively participate in the discussion.  For example, when my sister asked my 2 ½ year old niece about her day and she says things such as “Alexa didn’t listen today”, her mother knows exactly how to respond, and she steers the conversation in whatever way she believes is necessary to facilitate the parenting/growth process. 

But this stage doesn’t last, obviously.   These types of conversations progress as they go through the different stages, especially as it relates to their academic endeavours, and it doesn’t matter how many degrees you possess or how street smart you are; you are not always au fait. Fast forward to a 17 year old smart young lady, who is sitting her final exams.  As much as the routine continues, the ability to actively participate changes… completely.

I come in from work, and she joins me for our usual tête-à-tête.  During this exam period, my role is to listen and engage, which usually entails anything from an exclamation or two, a question about the invigilator, listening her relay the reaction of her peers about the exam,  her report on how she believed she performed and/or her taking me through the exam paper.   For the most part, I am able to confidently participate, because these are things with which I can identify except on the matter of exam paper deconstruction. 

Now, this is where it gets tricky.  Today is that day!   After the mundane and relatable are highlighted and discussed, her report advances – it takes a turn… for me.  

What the heck do I know about Physics?

3…..2…..1…. ACTION!

“So, how was it?” I asked.

“There were no surprises.  I was able to answer all questions.  There were only two questions that provided somewhat of a challenge, but I managed to fight my way through”.

“Well, that’s awesome.  I am happy to hear that”, I responded.

She continued to explain what happened in the exam room before they began the actual test and indicated the helpfulness and professionalism of the invigilator.  Overall a good report, I am thinking.

Then things take a turn….  I wouldn’t say for the worst… but it took a turn around a clueless corner… for me.

In her quest to provide her usual blow by blow, she started to explain the complexities of the Physics paper and why she thought a question was problematic….

“….the direction of the magnetic field … the field lines go from north pole to south pole….”  She then went into an extended explanation.

“oh.  Okay.  I see.  Yes,” was all I could muster.  I am doing everything you do to show you are fully engaged.  I am making eye contact.  My phone is face down… I am actively listening.

Her explanation continues. 

“…the atmospheric pressure is 100,000 pascals…..”

“oh wow…. Hmmmmmm…”  was all I could truly say as I looked at her speak about this physics paper of which I am clueless, to say the least.  The terminologies … the concepts… MOSTLY foreign to me.  By themselves, a few of the words, one could argue, were maybe semi-identifiable, but as concepts….? Just call me Clueless Cassandra. 

At some point, I also heard something about “alternating current” and that “there was only one resistance question”.

This continued for about 20 minutes, and she was unstoppable in her relay of her physics exam experience.  Truthfully, I enjoyed listening to her talk about her experiences…  

I am sure that there are those who could say that I could have asked her to expound… but that would be a firm NO for me….

Evidently, she is a smart cookie, so I know she is aware that her mom is simply allowing her to do that which she needs to do.  Clearly, all she needs from me is for me to be there and to “engage” in a manner that meets her parent-child need, within the current situation.  Her face said it all.  Plus, she already knows that the sciences were not my forte in high school and certainly would not have been anywhere near my university experiences.

The point is that as parents, we are often called upon by our children to engage in events that are of zero interest to us.  But we have a responsibility, so we provide a situational performance as an expression of love.  When they are my niece’ age, they do not know that we do not know nor do they care that we do not know what we do not know.  They want to see mommy and/or daddy being there to support – in whatever way that support looks within context.  They want to know that we are LISTENING – that we are present.  Once we have introduced them to us being present (even when we have no real interest in the specific subject matter), it becomes an expectation and something of fundamental value in building them (in one way or another). 

After 17 years, I would have already engaged in many conversations about many things (not to mention attending a multiplicity of school-related events and performances – but that’s for another discussion); but as she gets older, the conversations become more intense and sometimes out of my realm of understanding.   These are not always within the degree of physics-cluelessness on my part.  Whatever the subject matter, our role is multifaceted and never-ending, because it doesn’t stop the older they get.  Sometimes we are required to perform our understanding and then seek the answers later from ALEXA (provided she is listening) or some other source.  Of course, in this case, I did not look up anything about the “direction of the magnetic field,” but I acted as interested as I could muster on topics of no interest to me.   In other words, I have zero interest in physics but interested in how her day went.  Evidently, she knows this and is appreciative of it, because she got what she needed from the exchange of my presence, which didn’t require my understanding of the topic (not this time around); she, instead, required my ear, my engagement and my positive reinforcement.  So while, I performed my responses, I was present and listened and supported.

Parenting requires situational role play – a little acting goes a long way, especially when you are interested in doing right by your children.  Parents/guardians, etc. should be reminded that they won’t always get everything right –  I didn’t and I don’t, but continue to play your part and make sure to perform at your best in the necessary parenting show.

Blessings!