MY DISQUIETED STILLNESS

Each time I blog post, I am “led” to do so, one way or another.  As it stands now, there are about five pieces stored in my repertoire that I have written over the past three months and have not yet posted, for one reason or the other.   Simply put, I have been feeling quiet.

Needless to say, life has been happening and I have been simultaneously distracted, swamped and “still”.  With this, I have just not been led to post, despite my desire to maintain my blog momentum and honour the commitment that I have made to myself…   Admittedly, I revamped this space during what I could argue to be one of the roughest times in human history and one of the most challenging times of my life.  I did it though.  So the space continues to be significant, for me.

But life happens.  I am always in observe mode – that is a constant.  However, lately, I have just been soaking in what has been happening around me and observing everything more quietly than I typically do, and my prayers have been more frequent and internal.  As much as I have been forcing myself to finish a very relevant piece that I have been meaning to post, I simply could not.  My spirit has been both quiet and disquieted.

My assertion that everyone on this planet has something that they are grappling has not shifted in the least; in fact, my observances continue to validate this daily.  As for me, there are several matters that I am trying to navigate and resolve within myself and around me.  Accordingly, I have been spending less time talking and more time observing and processing and doing.  In the midst of it all, one can’t help but observe that the world is a very scary place at the moment.  There is a looming doom that has just permeated the air, and one can’t help but think about the deaths, the many threats to humanity and the ensuing impacts on our natural environment brought on by humanity, among other things.  Added to that, are the many debates and reports about the vaxxers vs anti-vaxxers, the mask-wearers vs the anti-mask wearers, the continued rise of Gender—based violence, the rise in gas prices, the lack of resources, hunger, loss of job, among other major worldwide challenges that are affecting us now. 

In my quest to try to understand and make sense of it all, I feel clueless about the why, when, where, how and what of it all.

• What is the purpose of what is happening? 
• When will it end?
• Why are we responding the way we are?
• How will we move forward to bring this thing to an end?
• Where will humanity be days, months or years from now?

It is no wonder, that everything I have written, though important on some level, seem so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.  The existential crisis is real.

I learned a long time ago that as important as it is to speak up and to respond to your environment is as important as it is to be still.  To listen – truly listen, which you can’t fully do when you are participating in the noise. The noise now is the pandemic and everything that is as a result of it. 

It was pure happenstance that I came across a twitter post from a user, who matter-of-factly stated that the pandemic was mentally and physically draining.  As obvious a statement this is, not many are quick to initiate a conversation about what these mental and physical problems are.  However, my click on the comment section revealed that different people from all walks of life shared the exact sentiment and went on to express the challenges they, too, were experiencing, despite their ability to still be able to provide for themselves or regardless of from whence they come (rich, poor or in between).   It was as if people were waiting on someone to admit it, so that they could vent.  What remained clear throughout the thread is that people’s level of coping were both varied and dwindling. 

All in all, what I do know is the obvious:  we do not know the what, where, how, when and why of tomorrow.  Because of this, cabin fever is real.  As much as some of us appear to be going stir crazy and existing in reckless abandon regardless of the mandates and protocols in place, there are those of us who are gung-ho about trying keep ourselves, etc. circumspect as well as trying to make sense of it all without even understanding why we should.

In spite of it all, I am reminded that when you feel clueless and your spirit is disquieted, the best thing to do is to sit and BE STILL in the space where you have the most to say and the most to do.  Hardly anything gets solved or resolved in the middle of confusion and madness; it helps to stop and process.  After all, nothing lasts forever.  Soon, all of this will be a thing of the past.