I happened upon a snippet of a poem by T’Sleeveless on Instagram, called “Teach A Boy To Cry”. The few lines I heard caught my attention, so I went in search and found it in its entirety. The poem, so raw and beautifully executed, articulates what I have always argued to be how most men feel about the expectations that society has thrust upon them. Ultimately, they all want the same thing – allowance to be and feel how they do at their core, without being labelled weak or unmanly.
Needless to say, many of the ways that men have been taught to love and execute masculinity are problematic and toxic with devastating outcomes; this leads to a vicious cycle which is passed on from generation to generation. The perpetuation of toxic masculinity is rooted in the fear of being chastised and seen in a manner that renders them anything other than what society instructs. Essentially, toxic masculinity dictates how he should be:
- He has been told that he MUST be strong – that crying is weak. When he suffers loss of any kind, he should “man up” and avoid vulnerability, which include withholding his tears and any other manifestation of pain that could be deemed as feminine energy. Because of this, men are forced to perform strength through acts of violence, caused by the lack of problem-solving skills.
The outcome is that he ends up with unresolved emotions/issues with pent up anger that is usually released in less than favourable places and ways.
- He has been taught that a woman’s love must be accompanied by sexual favours. If it isn’t, his interest wanes, and he quickly move on to the woman who will fulfill this expectation.
The outcome is that he ends up with transactional relationships with females that are typically void of real friendships, or worst, he ends up contributing to the rape culture.
- He has been told that to have one woman is weak.
The outcome is that many men have associated their self-worth to the number of sexual partners. In his mind, once he “gets it”, his self-worth increases and so does his value among men, so he continues on this trend, thereby decreasing his lifespan.
The outcome is that he is empty and lacking real support with foundational value from the relationships he pursues.
- He has been told that to treat the woman as equal contributors to life in general is weak; he learns that the woman is beneath him and that she should occupy a certain place and operate in specific gender roles, which ultimately renders her less than him. The outcome is he continues to perpetuate misogynistic ideologies in the workplace, among his peers and at home. Ultimately, women typically come to their own realization about what is acceptable, in society in general, but especially in relationships and end up leaving, if not physically then mentally and he ends up leaving from relationship to relationship.
Despite what he has been taught, and how much he tries to fit in so that he is playing his role well, those of us who pay attention know that the man who operates in awareness of himself, despite societal dictates, feels deeply and wants what the rest of us wants – to be at peace and to have a life free of drama – one that is consistent and stable – and we are not talking about a life where women stay hush about indiscretions (on the job, in his personal or public life) and does not hold him accountable. They, like their female counterparts, want to be seen AND accepted for who they truly are, without the emotional restrictions that have been placed on them.
T’sleeveless, who describes himself as a “mental health poet,” explores the male dynamic by highlighting the notion that most men are afraid of opening themselves up and showing the pains they experience out of fear of how they will be perceived and received. That, for me was the thesis of his piece and central to the toxic masculinity ideology. He asserts that the “manufactured masculinity,” while dangerous, is what is expected but the effects of which are lonely because while society judges what men have become, no one deconstructs how they have become who they are. He further states that the man has become accustomed to using jokes as a conduit for his pain because his pain “has to be transformed into an art form to be worthy of observation.” Men have been taught that pain is private and to outwardly express pain is a sign of weakness. Because of this, the man’s go-to expression for any type of emotional/mental discomfort is to engage in a physical war or to suppress how he feels from fear of being ridiculed. As T’Sleeveless points out, “nobody taught the boy to cry, but they taught him how to fight.” This observation of toxic masculinity is seen in every space the male occupies; for example, he teaches his sons what he knows, and the conversation among his friends and colleagues perpetuates this dangerous narrative. Furthermore, women end up expecting this “strong man” ideology without understanding its dangers until she herself suffers at his hands or she ends up raising a son to become a man she would never date, in her quest to raise him to be “strong.”
As T’Sleeveless aptly puts it, “everybody judges the weak man, and nobody checks on the strong one.” The conundrum seems to be the ways in which to change the mindset of all in the face of what is generally accepted to be masculine: He doesn’t cry; he fights. He doesn’t constructively address his losses, he quickly moves on from them. He doesn’t partake in any activity that may render him feminine, he subscribes to gender roles, even when they do not make sense for his unique situation. He suppresses emotions in his effort to appear tough; though he yearns unconditional love, he confuses the act of sex as a care indicator, and the list goes on.
Who then is the strong man, and who is weak?
Like the poet, Latteras R. Whitfield from The Dear Future Wifey Podcast bore his soul by highlighting his recent heartbreak and its impact on him, which he openly said was caused by a failed relationship. The episode, which has been viewed approximately two hundred thousand times by people all over the world, garnered hundreds of comments from men and women who applauded him for his refreshingly honest bravery (he openly cried during the podcast) by thanking him for using his personal situation to bring awareness to what men experience in REAL LIFE, which many viewers (male and female) believe will encourage more males to express the truth of what they go through. One of the toxic traits highlighted from the comment section is that most men, instead of being honest about the impact of a breakup (to themselves and others), would instead, quickly replace that pain/hurt with someone else, which many have admitted to be a lonely and dark space riddled with the lack of self-esteem and self-control, which many have also admitted is less than what they make it to be.
Hopefully, as T’Sleevless through his poetry, and Latteras R. Whitfield through his podcast, continue to shed light on the TRUE experiences of most men, we will see a shift in the expression of masculinity to that which is more positive and indicative of that which will allow us to redirect our thoughts on what it means for the men to be masculine. As I imagine it, a man who operates in his awareness of his pain and struggles, regardless of his orientation, and is not afraid or ashamed to acknowledge them by crying if he needs to, and is working on making himself a better version of himself for himself, his family and the wider society and one who doesn’t have to hide his pain, needs and desires because of an ascribed gender expectation, is a “strong man.” The man who respects himself, his family, and the wider society and who is not contributing to the demise of an individual or community is a strong man. The man who is not afraid of his tears, despite what he has been forced to believe, is huMAN. For this to happen, however, there needs to be male/female collaboration toward a changed mindset, which may also include deconstructing the notion of toxic femininity and the ways in which this works in perpetuating toxic masculinity.
PARENTING, ADVOCACY AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN 