Beautified Abuse

Good for you if you have never offended anyone or if anyone has never offended you.  Clearly, you are living under a rock.  Obviously, we are all going to offend/hurt each other (in great or small ways) at some point in our interactions with each other – friends, family, coworkers, strangers-in-passing, etc.  Once we coexist at home, in the workplace ecosystem, church, etc., it is bound to happen.  The issue is that some of us do not have the interest in letting bygones be bygones; we possess, instead, the capacity and desire to punish – to let the offender pay – until we think we are satisfied with the sanction we have inflicted.   And many, because of the position we occupy in the different systems we occupy, find very creative and clever ways in which to do so.   Therefore, woe unto that man or woman who has stepped out of line and offended he/she whose messianic ways do not allow for the offence to go unpunished – those who refuse to let forgiveness be the order of the day.

Every year, across the globe, there are several days out of the year that are recognized as days against something abuse-related and are therefore dedicated to raising awareness and establishing strategies geared toward ending a particular abuse type.  For example, Violence against Women Day in November; Human Rights Day in December; World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse also in November, Males Victims of Domestic Abuse Day, and the list goes on.   Unfortunately, victims of certain silent abuse tactics do not have the space to end the abuse, or for it to even be acknowledged as such.

The thing about punishers whose ill-intention and ill-actions go unnoticed is that they operate in the awareness of the obvious abuse patterns and therefore avoid those.  They, instead, beautify their punishment/abuse, so it goes unnoticed or unchecked.  They recognize that certain actions often are too violent and understand that there are worst things than death, so they thrive in that space.  For example, imagine hearing someone on the job say of someone who offended them, “I can make their life a living hell” and then watch them do that, unchecked, and for an extended period.  Those who understand that there are, in fact, worse things than death, thrive in the space of utilizing access to systems and spaces that will support certain actions for which they are not held accountable and/or are allowed to continue.  Guess why? The idea that everything can be beautified makes it easier for certain abuse to occur without being detected.  Cambridge online dictionary defines beautification as “the process of improving the appearance of someone or something.”  In other words, though abuse is obviously bad and ugly, it can be beautified based on the who, when and how.

There are people who understand the position they occupy, especially within a hierarchical system, and are intentional about how they go about using those systems to assist in the beautification of their abuse.  Even without the obvious hierarchical systems in certain informal groups, there are systems that guide those who are at the helm and who have certain influences (at home, on the job, at church, etc), and the people who are a part of this understand and remain silent in observance of certain subtle, but dreadful and damaging abuse-patterns, for more reasons than one.  The beauty in this, for those who insist that offenders experience “worst things than death,” is how easy it is for them to utilize everything about their influence to let offenders feel this.  This beautification tactic may occur in multiple ways, but some of those most used are as follows:

• Publicly highlighting someone else’s contribution and ignoring yours
• Acknowledging everyone else in a respectfully chirpy way but barely acknowledging you or ignoring you altogether.
• Publicly giving everyone a well-thought-out gift, but yours looks like it was grabbed-on-the-go.
• Issuing of a back-handed compliment
• Providing access for everyone else (but you) to have that “thing” they know you have always wanted.
• Warning everyone in the group of imminent danger but ensuring that you are not told.
• Cleaning up after everyone else but ignoring your “mess”.
• Making a big hullabaloo over something minor you did, while giving allowance to everyone else for making mistakes.
• Always criticizing you/your work (openly or privately).
• Deliberately planning events where you are never invited or where they know you would be uncomfortable attending.
• Intentionally withholding key information from you
•  Deliberately doing things that they know (but others may not realize) will get a rise out of you.

Much of this inexhaustive list is hinged on the ways in which the abuser’s/punisher’s space responds to them.  In other words, who they are in the space and the power they yield.  What better way to ensure that you feel their wrath than to be “kind” to everyone else and not you.  That way they have discreetly engaged the masses to see them as better and you as deserving of whatever it is that they are doing to you.  Though it may be obvious that you are being treated differently, it might be viewed as justified within the context of their general “kindness” to everyone else. 

But they know what they are doing.  And you know what they are doing.  And they know that you know what they are doing, which is why they have taken great measures to beautify their abuse.  But they are not the only ones who can be strategic.  Even the abused can find a way to see the beauty in the abuse and heal from it.  That oxymoronic statement (beauty in the abuse), in and of itself, feels abusive, but ruminate on the following points to see if this method to the madness is making some sense:

• Knowing is half the battle:  Understand that the beauty in recognizing that abuser and their abuse tactics is that you understand you will overcome and are better able to navigate once you know what is happening.  Typically, once we are aware, our responses can be measured and intentional, so can our healing process.
• Though the background and pains of the punisher is not your concern, generally, the beauty is understanding that abusers are typically people who have deep-rooted challenges, insecurities, and traumas that they are yet to address.  This knowledge may help you to better balance/manage your response, especially if this is happening in spaces where you spend most of your time (school, home, work, etc.). 
• Evil exists.  And evil doesn’t always appear the way the story books tell us.  Evil can be pretty and dolled up and at the top of the food chain.  Evil is clever in their attempts to harm.  It is why the beautification tactic works.  Knowing, therefore, is growing.

The next time you are being silently but publicly abused in unconventional ways, fret not thyself.  There are resources available to help with this, such as getting the help from qualified mental health professional; speaking to someone you trust; and finding ways to uplift yourself. While it is not the easiest thing to navigate as this is meant to break you and bring emotional/psychological harm to you, you can overcome it once you are aware.  Experts agree that getting out of the situation is the goal; however, if that is not immediately possible, for example if it is happening on the job, it is important to believe in yourself and learn to trust yourself.  This means that you recognize what is happening and trust yourself to find an ally that can help you navigate it, especially if you decide to record and report the situation to HR. While this type of abuse will likely continue unchecked, it is always important for victims to explore ways that they can help themselves to mentally navigate these spaces until they are able to leave.  Psychologists agree that a key step to overcoming abuse, even those that have been beautified, is to first recognize what is happening.  Beautified abuse is a form of Covert abuse that doesn’t just occur in intimate partner relationships.  This type of abuse happens in any setting where people co-exist and ultimately offend each other in one way or another. 

Other References

Some Thought about Victimization, Anger and Abuse.  https://www.mentalhelp.net/anger/victimization-and-abuse/

Darji and Howard (2023).  Covert Abuse:  Signs, Effects, and How to Get Help.  https://www.choosingtherapy.com/covert-abuse/#:~:text=Covert%20abuse%20is%20characterized%20by,verbal%20threats%2C%20or%20physical%20harm.