A LIVING CHANGE!

“Live your life in a way that suits you,

but don’t set out to hurt people.

Apologize when you are wrong,

And don’t hesitate to walk away

from that which doesn’t

serve your soul.”

Stacey A Palmer, 2021

On this journey called life, we either change or we remain the same.  Many have actually said that this current situation has highlighted much of societal ills as well as those ills that exist in us.   In other words, we can’t help but notice the world as a whole an ourselves as individuals.  Many of us would never openly admit our flaws, but we have to live with them.  On this pandemic journey, some of us have changed for the better, others of us have changed for the worst, then there are those of us whom have remained stagnant, usually by choice or by fear.  There are those who are literally out in these streets making other people’s lives a living hell, with very little regard for the repercussions.  Either way, the way we choose to respond to life – to our situations – especially as the world struggles to completely recover from this ensuing pandemonium, is really up to us, within our individual context.  Whatever the case, the way I see it is, we have a choice to live our lives on our terms, but we must understand and be prepared for what will follow, because good or bad, something WILL follow.   

A few days after my soup and patty customer service situation (last blog post), I had an interesting experience with someone (not a stranger this time) that was cause for pause.  ‘twas one of those situations that tested my internal evolution – that part of me that I have to live with and must answer to when no one is around – the part of me that stays in prayer and not connected to any mere mortal.  Within that “interesting experience”, I had two options:  I could have stung with my retort or I could have silently walked away in love.  I chose the latter.   Having experienced pain at its highest level and having learned how to use pain for purpose, it is the most difficult thing, today, for any human being to ruffle my feathers deeply.  I may feel the emotion of an “insult,” for example, because I am smart enough to know what a person is attempting, but it doesn’t stay with me – certainly not for an extended period.  I outgrew that when the lesson of “Pain’s Purpose[1]” became cemented into my psyche. 

The way I see it, every day presents itself as an opportunity to reflect and to correct.  In fact, I relish AND crave growth.   Change is hard, especially once a person has decided to become a better human being.  Once we have made this commitment to ourselves, we do not have a choice but to work toward changing those habits that we have been comfortable with for a long time, especially those that do not serve our souls or that which have been damaging (in one way or another) to ourselves and to others (this includes the the unkind things done to us).  This is where we MUST make the choice to be intentional about our growth.    

In so doing, we must be prepared to answer to ourselves in our quiet and sacred spaces, reserved only for those who belong there.  The more we interact and the wiser and more deliberate we become, is the more unapologetically resolute we are about those we WANT there.  That, to me, is the most freeing and enlightening thing ever!  When we discover what brings that internal peace – true peace that cannot come from anything else outside of us – we operate on our own terms by living a life that makes our soul smile. 

With that being said, one of the kindest and most valuable gifts we can give ourselves is learning to walk away in love.  By that I mean, when exiting stage left, we harbor no ill-will or hatred toward those who have wronged us, those who have offended us, and/or those who do not honor who we are or are becoming – those who do not mean us well.    When you get right down to it, there is truly no need for a repetitive and counter-productive back-and-forthing about that which you need.  You simply leave that space, for good, but with LOVE!  That is an awesome feeling of intentional self-care built on the foundation of LOVE.  As a “walk-awayer” and a textbook introvert, I learned a long time ago that not everyone is for us, and we are not for everyone.   I don’t think there is any human being who knows this more than me.  Truly!  As the Bible reported it, many people hated Jesus and openly showed Him that disdain.  Why, then, would I be so pompous to believe that everyone is going to like/love me, and why would I walk around being flustered by those who don’t?  Pointless!  Therefore, when we discover that people do not mean us well, for whatever reason, walk away – with LOVE!

To complement the ability to walk away (in love) is being able to apologize for that which we may have done to others, because none of us is always blameless.  The complex thing about an apology is that a person may not require it or may not even accept it (this is also applicable when the apology is being given to the “walk-awayer”. You may accept it and still decide to skedaddle with love).   What is important is what we feel internally in that sacred space – that place that gives us inner peace.   Once you know that you are operating from a genuine place, let it go and move on.  The truth of the matter is that the more we are going to blunder about so many things as we traverse life’s road, including those we entertain that we shouldn’t, because we ignored those red flag moments or for whatever other reasons we may have opted to entertain these people.  None of it is a mistake… all of it is a lesson.  Learn it!

As we continue to navigate this pandemic and struggle to return to “normalcy” (whatever that means to each of us), we have the choice to live our lives in a way that suits us without deliberately causing harm…

As for me, I will continue to live on my own terms and let that which pains me (on whatever level), propel my growth!

[1] Pain’s Purpose, from “The Chronicles of a Woman:  The Truth-Teller” by Stacey A Palmer available on www.amazon.com

The Virtuous Customer/Service?

The week was a hectic one; I hardly had time to scratch my head… not quite that, but you get it.

So Saturday rolls around, and I decide that I would not be making any lunch or dinner… too tired for that.  Maybe, I could run out and get us something for lunch.  I have been avoiding eating out for a pile of reasons, but today was necessary.  A woman is tired!

I hate crowds, so I usually avoid them.  (I am the person who goes to the supermarket just as they are opening the shutters).  At this particular place, the rush hour is usually anywhere between 11:50 a.m. and 2:00 p.m., so I get there at 11 a.m., which is when the soups will be ready (soup on a Saturday is a big deal at this place).  As soon as I arrive, I am immediately let in, because they are below the threshold.  I am glad. The cashier tells me that the soups (Beef and Vegan) were both ready, so I place my order – one beef and one vegan.  I decide to add a Patty to my order, because it has been ages, so why the heck not.

Who could be happier than me that this entire trip (to and from) outside of the sanctity of my personal space was going to be less than 30 minutes?  The introvert in me is doing cartwheels in my head (because that is the only place I can do them).   I look around for an unoccupied space – one in which I will be distanced according to my comfort.  I spot one and quickly head there.  I am observing the servers do their thing.  They seem confused though.  Each customer’s receipt has a number, but there doesn’t seem to be any real system in place.   I am thinking, “Dem must know.”  I am distracted, so I don’t even realize that 15 minutes have passed; plus, of late, I have been working on myself and exercising and practicing patience.  Perfect opportunity to see if my work is in vain.

The servers are serving soups around me, behind me, on top of me but not TO me. 

“108, 110, 114, 112, 111, 113, 115….”  They are shouting.  The people before me and after me are leaving with their soup order…

My number is 109, so what’s happening. 

Den suppmm coulda really go so? 

It is now 20 minutes in.  At the 15 minute mark, I had observe one server quietly say to the next “10 more minutes for the patties”

“Where is the breakfast I ordered 30 minutes ago” one lady said annoyingly.  Apparently she is number 117.  The server cannot find this lady’s order and confusingly says to her, “what did you order… may I see your ticket”.

This lady is about to lose her mind…. She doesn’t though.  She hisses her teeth and reluctantly hands the server her ticket and places her hands akimbo. 

Okay, I am thinking, let me see if they are going to tell me (and the other customers) that the patties are not ready.  By this time we are going into the 25 minute mark, and I am repeating one of my daily prayers behind my mask, “Dear God, Let love into my tone”.  You see, we don’t always come across the way we intend, and people do not care about intention, they care about perception.  This happens to me from time to time, so I am working on fixing that because I have no ill-intentions and would love if that could reconcile in my tone, for the most part…. I am too direct, apparently.

I am also saying this knowing fully well that most times what offend us are those trauma-related triggers that remain unresolved and have nothing to do with the person, who has “offended” us (but that is for another discussion). 

So here I am repeating my prayer, because I am on the brink of saying something.  Remember that I am also working on patience, so I have several things contending with in this little outside trip that is now taking way longer than it needed to be. 

What a Sabbath lesson this finna be!

Just wait it out, my mind tells me.  Then something else says to me, “you have a right to say something’. 

“Dear God, Let love into my tone. Amen” …. I walk closer to the counter and say,  “can you say what is happening with 109…. It has been way too long”.

She avoids eye contact and looks down as if she is caught red-handed.  “aahhhmmm, you will soon be served”.

Okay, so now I am legitimately becoming irritated, because what the heck does soon mean within the context.  So I ask, “what does soon mean…?”  After all, her soon could be the country people “soon” that they tell you when you ask for directions… “just up the road… you will soon get there…” they tell you, and you drive for another 40 minutes before you arrive at the destination.  Anyway….

“We are waiting on the patties….about 5 more minutes” she answers, almost beneath her breath.

Dear God.  Let love into my tone.  Amen…

“Ok, but don’t you think this is something that should have been told to the customers before, so I could decide if I wanted to wait or not?  I have been waiting for over 25 minutes.”  I don’t know if she received the “love into my tone”, but I tried my best to be as calm-sounding (no raised decibel – just conversational) as I possibly could be, within that scenario. 

Her body language suggests that she is aware of her blunder.  “Sorry about that miss.”

Three minutes later, my order is ready and handed to me.  “Sorry for the wait,” she offers with a half smile.

“Thank you, “ I said, with a lot more “love into my tone”.  I then make my exit with my two large soups and the piping hot patty.

But the question that begs to be asked is, at what point of customer-service-foolery, should a customer continue to be silent or say something.    I know patience is a virtue and all, but does that mean that patience requires one to be long-suffering in ones attempts to acquire a good or service?  Should I have waited for the 30-minute mark, or should I have just not said anything and waited indefinitely.  Is that what patience requires?

What does that mean anyway –  “patience is a virtue”? One source says it is the ability to wait without getting angry.  Another source indicated that this is attached to the ways in which we approach the situation that requires us to wait.  In other words, the source asserts, we should (in every situation) make every effort to “supplement knowledge with self-control, self-control with endurance, endurance with godliness, godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.”[1]  One other source agrees that patience is very necessary to cultivate but argue that it is not about just sitting and enduring but more about how you respond to that which you have endured.  This makes sense, I suppose.

In my estimation, it would have been prudent for the cashier to indicate to me, upon taking my order, that the patties would not have been ready for 20 – 25 minutes and then let me decide if I wanted to wait.  After all, the soups were ready, which means that I could have been out there in 5 minutes and not as long as it took.  By not doing that which I deem to be customer-service-common-sense, she took away that right and decided that I had all the time in world.   

In the end, her body-language told me that she knew they were in the wrong, and so I am hoping that she would have operated differently the next time something like this happens.   As for me, I am happy to have let love into my tone, but was I patient enough or was I right to inquire about my goods when I did, thereby asserting my right for better service?

I do agree that patience is a virtue, but at what point during the poor customer-service experience is the customer allowed to assert our rights?  I think I did well, all things considered.  Fundamentally, the difference is how we approach the situation – both the customer and the server!

[1] https://www.christianity.com/wiki/bible/patience-is-a-virtue.html

Are you “her” or “him” hiding in plain sight?!

As the story is told (with my own twist), she left him and moved on to a new relationship and was thriving there.  He didn’t like that, so he hatched a plan for her to come back “home”.  If she didn’t do as he wanted, he had something more sinister in mind.  In his quest to achieve his desire, he quickly learns that she has no interest in being with him, no matter the strength of his argument.  This wounds him deeply, so he decides to cut her, literally, as deep as the proverbial wounds he feels.  He slices her open, and her guts almost falls to the ground.  Luckily, she makes it to the hospital in time, and a miracle is achieved.  Though she could have died, she didn’t.  She is spared to tell her story – one that has been told time and again — decade after decade – country after country – culture after culture.  For those who do not try to cut you with a knife – to kill your body – will cut you with well-told lies meant to defame – to kill your soul!  But the end is not what most expected.  This time, she decides to do what many before her (and many after her) has done.  She will not press charges, and she wants people to leave her to make the choice that suits her, which she deems should be up to her.  But life isn’t as simple, not in this case.

Of course, this became the talk of the town (Instagram and twitter).  So, I read and listened quite curiously to the opinion of those who chimed in.  For the most part, everyone thought that this young woman was a complete arse, an uneducated fool, a “kunumunu”, a “mukut”, “a Yam head”, a “man-fool” etc. for “allowing” a man to do this to her and then to turn around and defend him (she didn’t want to press charges, allegedly).   While I do agree that anyone who does this to any person should be punished, as the law of the land dictates, I couldn’t help but wonder, as people, mostly women, could be seen (and heard) calling her things like a “decrepit”, the “scum of the earth”, etc.  This struck a chord with me. 

Often, we conclude that with such a gruesome attack (to physically or emotionally kill) that a person (victim) would walk away – leave the “offenders” and heal enough to live one’s life to one’s fullest potential.  This, unfortunately, is not often the case.  Most people do NOT leave after being physically or emotionally battered on the first, or second or third or even the tenth “battering” — despite its gravity.  People stay.   The interesting thing is that many like to justify their “stay” on the premise that their abuse (relationship experiences) is dressed more beautifully than the other person’s.

But why does s/he stay?

The matter of staying in abusive relationships is a very complex one.  Domestic violence researchers have actually written much, but mostly from the perspective of women who stay.   Regardless, they all agree on one thing:  The reason for people staying is complicated.  Whiting (2016)[1] states that the challenges that domestic violence victims face are unique.  Many of these challenges are attached to a person’s own view of what “love” (and abuse) constitutes and what they have normalized within that relationship space.

In my own experiences, those of others I know of or have heard about, the many experts I have read or listened to, no one has been able to fully comprehend the complexities of relationship and why people operate the way they do when they become romantically involved, yet alone one that which is abusive.   For even those who have written beautifully on, discussed about, shared with, have themselves been a part of the group of many, men and women, who continue to stay in situations that are damaging (physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, etc).

Why though?

Aside from my own observations, this is what the experts have confirmed as some reasons (in a nutshell), all of which are very layered and not sufficiently captured herein:

Shame:  victims tend to be embarrassed to admit that their marriage/relationship has failed for many reasons, especially if this person was first presented as the “best thing ever”.  They sometimes do not want anyone to know that they are like the “others”, so they cover up and make excuses in situations where they shouldn’t.  The truth is that the “shame” argument is also a very complex one attached to several variables that often remain hidden.

Trauma and low confidence are linked, especially in relationships where there is a combination of abuse types.  According to Whiting (2016), perpetrators harass and accuse victims, which wears them down and causes despair and guilt.  By the time they have gone through the rigours of the abuse cycle, they are so worn and confidence-robbed, that leaving appears impossible, especially when they believe that no one else would like them or want to be with them….

Practical reasons:  a person may decide to stay for reasons associated with ties to the home, finances, or just simply related to the children or resources invested into the home/other assets[2].  Other practical reasons could be attached to financial needs or other personal reasons related to security.

Normalizing abuse:  many have accepted and given excuses for unhealthy behaviours in relationships, thereby making it difficult to accept that they are actually being abused and invariably leave[3].

Fear:  For some, leaving can also be very difficult, especially when there is physical abuse:  if a person tries to leave, they know that there is a very high chance that they would be harmed, so out of fear they remain.  Aside from the obvious fear of physical harm, there are also other “stay-reasons” attached to fear; for example, fear of being alone, fear of chastisement, fear of the smear-campaign that often follows when a victim leaves an abuser, fear of loss, etc.

The abuse cycle can be intense and addictive:  Some people remain in situations they shouldn’t be, because the love-bombing and hoovering stages after the abuse feels good.  In these moments, the abused is reminded or are given a glimpse on what it feels like to be “loved”.  When this happens a number of times, it becomes addictive despite the levels of abuse they may have experienced outside of “make up”.

Good sex:  both men and women have been known to remain in situations that should have ended because of what they experience in the bedroom.  For some, great sex trumps everything else.  Many will not admit this, but once sexual needs are being satiated, they will ignore all else or suffer through the turmoil. 

As complex as the reasons for staying are, is as complex as people fashion themselves better than the next person whose abuse is clothed more beautifully than another person’s.  Here are a few scenarios to consider:

You are in a situation where your partner is a serial cheater who has multiple partners outside of your “commitment”.  He/She brings home an STI or two, some curable, others, not so much.  You develop depression and other stress—related illnesses because of your situation; yet, you stay.  In your mind, you are “better” than this young woman.  Her abuse is more public and gruesome, so it gives you the right to publicly shame her and chastise her choice. 

Or

Your partner doesn’t cheat, but the narcissistic abuse within the relationship is so toxic and damaging, you feel as if you are literally losing your mind.  So much so, you are having suicidal ideations, but you remain silent.  Your organs are responding to this, and you are getting sick.  No one knows the internal hell you are enduring, because it is beautifully masked under luxury cars, the well-manicured lawns and the many Degrees, etc.

Or…

Like her, you are being physically beaten, but you tell yourself that it is because he was having a bad day.  Your Church tells you that divorce is a sin, so you stay.  You and your husband/wife pray about it, and all is forgiven… until…. He does it again… and the process of staying is repeated…

As much as we like to divorce ourselves from certain situations and fashion ourselves “better” than another person, let alone this young woman who was literally gutted, I doubt there could be any contesting my assertion that people – both men and women – don’t always leave at the first red flag/offense, regardless of the magnitude.  In fact, a person who leaves at the first sign of trouble is an exception.  My readings indicate that many people in abusive situations do not seek help until years after the abuse begins.   “On average high-risk victims live with domestic abuse for 2.3 years and medium risk victims for 3 years before getting help.”[4] Plus, there are those who leave and return…  For many, leaving happens after an endurance period.  The question that begs to be asked is what is the period that renders you “better” or which abuse situation is “excusable?”

Whatever the reasons and however your own relationship situation is presented, when you get right down to it….

…at the end of the day, many of us stay until we leave.  So, there is that!   

While some of us can readily articulate our why, there are more who simply cannot, because the matter is too complex to put into words. 

I guess there are many human “fools”/ “arse”/ “yam-head”  walking around; it’s just that some of us (men AND women) are fools, etc. hidden in plain sight.

[1] https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3672&context=facpub

[2] https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/women-leave/

[3] https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/why_leaving_abuse_is_hard/

[4] SafeLives (2015), Insights Idva National Dataset 2013-14. Bristol: SafeLives

From Fear to Fair…

I don’t think anyone needs any special skill or gift to see what is happening, as this whole pandemic has truly highlighted how hardened we have become as individuals and as a larger society, in a way that I am not sure I can truly say that we have ever observed before.  Maybe it is because we have had no choice, because the circumstances of the pandemic have forced us to pay closer attention to our surroundings.  In fact, it seems everything is more pronounced, because this is a time when we need each other to be accountable to, for and with each other, and we somehow aren’t.  Maybe it’s because we have been forced to slow down, so we have no choice but to pay closer attention.  Whatever the case, there is something happening all around that is causing many of us to act in ways that are just downright sad… I don’t know how else to put it than “sad”.  

While I will not assert that what is being witnessed now is in direct relation to the pandemic – that it didn’t exist before, it appears that the inequities during this time are somewhat more glaring.  On a larger scale, “laws of the land” are not applicable across the board.  Depending on who you are and your status in society, certain laws do not apply.  The poorer you are, the more accountable you are required to be; imagine, therefore, that the reverse is also true.  Your elevated position in society will determine how you are allowed to operate.  Thus, inequity and unfairness continue to be the order of the day.  This lack of accountability and injustices are reflected in every facet of society – in the workplace, in the classroom, in the boardroom, when we eat out at restaurants, or as a customer in a store, as well as within the confines of our homes.

When I think about eliminating inequalities as a main feature of the Sustainable Development Goals, the first thing (and probably only thing) that comes to mind is that of the male/female disparity (how women are treated in comparison to their male counterparts) because this is what the targets of the SDG 5 highlights[1] , importantly and rightly so.  The truth of the matter is that inequalities exist within any space where there is marginalization (between and among same sexes), and I argue that we are all marginalized somewhere at some point; this is the crux of gender inequality.  I also assert that within every marginalized space, there also exists intra-marginalization.  This means that even people who are considered marginalized by a larger society have groups within that marginalized group that are not given the same allowances as the rest of that larger marginalized group, for one reason or the other, often related to their intersectionality.  The literature highlights that marginalization is very complex and fluid as people’s status in society changes.  According to Kagan, et al (2004), to a certain extent, marginalization is a shifting phenomenon, linked to social status.    Within the context of power dynamics/power imbalance, there are more reports of inequities being displayed, which go unchecked and which serve to sustain power.

It is no surprise to me the ways in which inequality is manifested in the different facets of society.  Because the focus is so much on whether women have equal access as their male counterparts, we often miss the signs when the inequities being meted out are being done among sexes or in spaces within our homes, school, organizations, etc.   

A few months ago, for example, I observed a person in charge turn a blind eye to the unequal distribution of a particular resource that the worker should have received.  It was interesting to see how easy it was for this person to have decided that this would have been their course of action with absolutely no level of accountability.  In this case, the power imbalance and lack of accountability within this setting, despite what should obtain, occurred unchecked, which invariably leads to a culture of unfairness. In other words, one group, because of the power they hold, gets to exercise unfairness over those whom are “powerless”.

 In a similar vein, about a year ago a group of students expressed their concern about an issue with another class.  When I suggested they write about it and exercise their right as students, they indicated their fear and expressed their experience of being victimized when speaking up within the classroom setting.  The students all agreed that they would let things remain as they were and simply stay with the issue out of fear of “reprisal” from this “person in charge”, because this is what they had seen happen before.  They further explained that the lesser of two evils would be for them to suffer in silence since their tenure (the students, ie) would soon come to an end. As far as they were concerned, there was no accountability in that particular space.

Likewise, a person will ignore the price you have asked for a service you provide and unilaterally decide how much to pay you without any consideration of what the service is actually worth or what you have to do to get it done, because of who they are and what they may have access to vs who they deem you to be as well as your need. Consequently, many experiencing “powerlessness” have had to remain silent for fear of “losing out”, especially within this new pandemic dispensation.

Further, the service you receive or not receive in certain establishments is often hinged on who you are, who you know and the ways in which you are perceived to have carried yourself.  The interesting thing is that many of us will have seen these things and remain in our comfort and silently watch another person experience inequalities/injustices.  In my estimation, many of us are guided by greed and/or fear and would never operate in fair(ness)… thereby perpetuating a vicious cycle.

We don’t have to look far within our surroundings to realize that despite the systems that may be in place to ensure equality/equity, a person can decide to cheat you out of something you have worked for or are deserving of, for whatever reason convenient to them and then turn around and chastise you for standing up for yourself.  In fact, in many instances of unequal distribution of resources, those without the power often feel like they are not able to stand up for themselves; when you do, people are quick to tell you that you are not being humble, because you do not allow them to mistreat you.  Therefore, a system is NOT a deterrent; enforcement of a systems is. 

Everyone wants more than they have; for some, even if it means cheating someone else out of the little they should get, especially now that the pandemic is looming and tomorrow’s resources appear to be limited and uncertain.  People are not just stock piling toilet paper, they are stock piling everything else and ensuring that those they view as being beneath them remain that way – beneath them and with less than them.  The funny thing to note is that some are even stock-piling the little power they think they have over others.  It is an interesting time and very interesting to observe.  So much so, that part of the reason for the silence of those who “suffer” this iniquitous fate and for those who witness it and may be able to do something about it (but don’t) is to NOT run the risk of disrupting “bad behaviour” for fear that we may disrupt that which gives us access to “more”.

As unfortunate as this is to admit, my simple conclusion is that life isn’t fair and will continue in this vein for as long as we remain on earth, regardless of what we do to try to achieve equity/equality.  What the “powerful” do not yet realize is that at some point they too will be marginalized and may require the dignity of someone who knows what it means to be treated unfairly to be fair and just.    For example, the fact that a person may appear to be in need of something that we may have doesn’t mean that they should be treated unfairly or in an undignified manner.  For those of us who care to make a difference, we are encouraged to check and correct ourselves in our daily interactions with others, if fairness/equality/equity is what we aspire toward….

….plus, life has a way of showing us…!

[1] https://www.globalgoals.org/

Fixing the mental “Klunk Ku Klunk”

I am driving along minding my business and singing along to the sweet sounds of 90s R&B, when suddenly I heard it.

Klunk ku klunk ku klunk.

Dah heck?!!

Why do I feel as if I am on the bumpiest road ever?  Except, I am not!  Immediately, I can tell this is not normal.  Although I am moving, things were not normal.

This doesn’t feel right, I thought. Maybe the shocks need to be changed, I surmised.  I am not mechanic nor do I truly understand the inner workings of a motor vehicle, but I have just about enough knowledge to know when something is wrong with my car.

After another day of making this observation, I called my mechanic, who took the vehicle to have it properly checked and let me know that the “links” needed to be changed.  On his first assessment, he also let me know that I would have been able to drive for a few more days, etc., but I was not comfortable.  The sound made me nervous, so I had to get it repaired with immediate effect, despite the unplanned financial sacrifice it would take. 

In a jiffy, my car is repaired by one of the most reliable mechanics I know, who ensured that all was well in my car-driving world, and I was back on the streets again!

See what I did there?  I recognized immediately that there was an issue with potential disaster looming.  Right away, I did as the problem instructed.  I knew it was time to call a mechanic, because this was an issue I couldn’t have solved on my own.  I didn’t have the right tools nor proper know-how regardless of my ability to read and understand.  With his years of service and expertise, I was sure he would have been able to fix the issue, or refer me to someone more capable, at the very least; I trusted that.  Plus, it would not have served me and the things I must accomplish in my day to day had my car been further damaged, because of my lack of proper intervention.

As I move forward with this piece, please keep in mind the concept of “proper intervention”.

I say all this (and this was a true story) to bring to the fore an issue that continues to plague human beings, especially in this time – our MENTAL HEALTH.  I have witnessed well-thinking, educated, good-intentioned human beings who know deep down that something wasn’t right with their mental space do nothing or hardly anything to get proper intervention to resolve the matter; admittedly, I am guilty of that.  We hear, in our personal lives, our own version of the “klunk ku klunk” sound that my car made; so many of us are walking around with issues in our lives/mind, etc. that we know we cannot resolve on our own; yet, we do nothing about it. 

We are quicker to fix those things that are clearly seen, but never our mind space – not until it is too late, for many of us.  I think I have discussed mental health more than any other topic in the past four months.  But there is a reason for that… all you have to do is to pay attention and you can’t help but see/hear, etc.  what is happening globally in our current climate.

It is being reported that mental health continues to worsen, and many countries are ill-prepared to handle the crisis.  With this, we can all agree that mental health is not just the “hot topic,” nor is it to be considered buzz words; it is a necessary topic that has become even more discussed and addressed now than it has ever been.  But it has to be more than just a topic of discussion, we have to change the narrative in terms of how, when and where we enter into these discussions about caring for your mental state with “proper interventions”. 

So what then is mental health?

There are many different types of mental illnesses, also called mental disorders, that range from depression to schizophrenia to eating disorders, and these have many different presentations.  While this is definitely not my forte, I will not be discussing how these manifests.  However, I am aware that many times we won’t truly know our diagnosis, if we do not seek proper interventions.  But how many of us actually do that?  Unfortunately, we have been taught to minimize that which cannot be touched and to self-fix, so we do not run to get the help we need at any cost, because many of us are convinced that our mental health is easily fixed by a prayer and a pause (from life).  While I believe in the power of prayer, the evidence is there to support that prayer also requires work; we need to allow the Lord to lead us to the right mental health professional, so that we can get the proper mental health care.  The same way we rely on the best orthopaedic surgeon to fix our broken bones, or the best ophthalmologist to rectify our cataract, or the best orthodontist to straighten our smiles, is the same way we should normalize seeking the “proper interventions” (by a trained professional) to resolve those mental issues that we KNOW we are experiencing before it is too late. (It is for this very reason that women who experience what is commonly referred to as “invisible” abuse are not given the same level of interventions as those who experience physical abuse; but this was discussed in an earlier post).

How many of us have saved in our phones the numbers for a mechanic, a physician/surgeon, a gynaecologist, a dentist, an ophthalmologist, etc.?  How many of us have the number for a therapist/psychologist – mental health professional?  The checks in my own little corner reveal that majority answered “yes” to the former, and “no” to the latter. For many mental illness/health is an enigma that is kept hush-hush thereby creating different unhealthy responses that may include, but not limited to:

  • Parents note that something is off with their child but ignore it or chalk it down to “growing pains”.
  • Women realize that they are not operating as “normal” and try to self-fix.
  • Men refuse to talk or seek professional help, because of the stigma attached to going to therapy; instead, they redirect in unhealthy ways.
  • Workplace do not put the proper systems in place to make workers comfortable to address their issues.
  • Schools do not do enough to pay attention and intervene the necessary help, before it is too late.
  • The church believes that everything will be solved with prayer and fasting without encouraging congregants to be led to “proper interventions”.

In the end, when things become sinister, the conversation is usually, “…. had I known/paid attention, etc.”

According to the World Health Organization, “Mental health is a state of well-being in which an individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and is able to make a contribution to his or her community.  Mental health is fundamental to our collective and individual ability as humans to think, emote, interact with each other, earn a living and enjoy life[1]”.

  • How any of us can read this definition and truly say that we are doing and experiencing all that is required to achieve mental health? Or
  • How many of us are just literally going through the motions?
  • How many of us feel temporary gratification?

In 2020 and since the start of 2021, the public cases of what it looks like to have a mental breakdown have become more visible.  More and more, celebrities and people who operate in the public space have been acting to raise awareness by sharing their own experiences about the dangers of mental illnesses and more critical, the dangers of not seeking the “proper interventions”.

Interestingly, while writing this, I was alerted to a “live” YouTube video of a vlogger reporting on an individual who had deliberately driven herself into a river (allegedly), where she ultimately passed away.  We then watched live as her vehicle was pulled from the river….  In other news, the world watched with bated breath as the tennis player, Naomi Osaka, made the decision to forego being interviewed by the press.  In the end, she made a statement about her mental health as the reason for her decision.  Of course, the reviews from “onlookers” were mixed.  Most people agreed with her stance, while others criticised her decision.  This is what we often do to others who are experiencing mental turmoil and who decide to do what they feel is best for them.  We chastise them into silence, thereby silencing what could have been real discussions that would help real people experiencing real life situations to seek the proper interventions needed.  Still, while both scenarios had different outcomes, it served to raise awareness and to open even wider, the mental health dialogue.  Regardless, the narrative must be changed, but how do we do this, for good?

Normalize talking about it, and normalize seeking proper interventions that come from a capable mental health professional.  In some parts of the world, mental illness is not a feature of the subsidized health benefits, so this must change. Not enough of us are quick to seek the professional help needed to adjust our mental health, thereby preventing us from achieving WHO’s standard mentioned earlier.  Aside from working to change the narrative, there are many of us who believe that there is nothing that a trip/staycation cannot solve.  I won’t suggest that these things are not helpful on a surface level.  I am saying that the same way we are quick to address the klunk ku klunk in other areas of our lives is the way we should be proactive and quick to address the brokenness in our mental space, and the systems in place must be of such that it facilitates this. 

As someone who has had my own experiences with mental illness, directly and indirectly, I understand the complex nature of getting the necessary proper intervention.  I also understand that many of us are not trying to deliberately harm ourselves by not taking this matter as seriously as we should.  Aside from the system barriers, for many, it is it is our own personal belief system that often impedes how we proceed with taking care of our mental health; for example:

  • Some of us have trust issues, so we talk to trusted friends and family who are incapable of offering the proper intervention.
  • Others of us have shame ingrained in us, so we keep our mental anguish hidden
  • For others, it is it financial issues, where we are unable to pay for the service
  • Others of us have denial issues that prevent us accepting what is.
  • Then there are others who are far gone and are therefore incapable of making the decision on their own.

The solution to address this mental health crisis during this time is not only about “talk to you friends/check up on your friends”.  While it does include that, it is much deeper than that.  If someone told us that they fell and may have broken an arm or leg, we would have insisted on them visiting a physician.   We would probably even offer to take the “injured” to the doctor’s.  Mental illness is an invisible injury that requires the same level of urgency. We should help to change the narrative and encourage and insist on those who we know are not ok going to see a mental health professional – someone who can help us to address the “klunk ku klunk” in our mental space – so that we can get the proper interventions needed the way I was quick to do when I discovered that something was not right with my car.

Soon, I shall take my own advice and utilize the numbers I have been walking around with for months!

[1] https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/mental-health-strengthening-our-response

REJECTION IS AS NECESSARY AS IT IS INEVITABLE!

I am STILL trying to figure out why the world is so cruel to women.  The data presented on the World Health Organization website[1] is frightening and puts into perspective that violence against women is a global crisis, so much so that it is being referred to as “devastatingly pervasive”. The question that begs to be asked is, are we being targeted simply because we are women or is there something else at stake here?  

What readily comes to mind is that of rejection, which has always been of interest to me.  I often think about its inevitability and our response to it.  In more recent times, it has been bothering me as we begin to see an insurmountable rise in the crimes being committed against women.  The gruesome nature of these acts are overwhelmingly frightening and one can’t help but wonder why.  Not just the obvious why? But those hidden reasons that we do not readily have access to – those that are connected to childhood and how we were raised. 

As I pondered, the matter of rejection keeps emerging in the media as one of the main reasons for these gruesome crimes against women.  Because of this, I am forced to ask:

  • Why have we not successfully reinforced the natural nature of rejection?  (As sure as the night will turn to day, is as sure as rejection will happen at some point in our lives). 
  • So why have we not understood and accepted this? 
  • Why isn’t rejection normalized?! 
  • Why have we failed to reinforce this inevitability with our children – with our boys – so that when they become adults they are able to understand its necessity and are consciously able to move on from it without hate and anger, despite how we may  feel?

Let us put this concept into proper perspective, before I continue.  According to the Oxford dictionary, reject means “to dismiss as inadequate, unacceptable or faulty.”  In other words, you are simply not what we are looking for, because you do not have those things that we want, for whatever reason.  Understood, but why do we respond so deeply to being rejected?  According to Nafeen and Jahan (2019) rejection is a looming threat in everyone’s life; with every attempt at something new or difficult, there is the possibility that one will be rejected. 

Aint that the truth?!

I have helped my offspring to navigate a few experiences when she was much younger, where I had to introduce her to what it meant to not be ‘selected”….  I can’t say that after one introduction that she was became fully accepting of and easily maneuvered future rejections, because that didn’t happen.  What I noted is that it required constant reinforcement of the idea that being “rejected” is not the end of the world.  Now that she is much older, I do see that she is more understanding that rejection will happen, especially as she begins to grow and explore more of the world around her, and where she, too, has had to reject certain people, places, animals and things (LOL).

As adults, it is our responsibility to let our children (boys and girls) know that rejection does not stop the more seasoned we become in our adult life.  In fact, adults continue to get rejected way into our adult lives outside of a romantic interest but within a broader context of LIFE … jobs, promotions, loans, friendships, interviews, journal articles, and the list could go on …. In the past two years alone, there were several things that I wanted and “tried out” for that I was not “selected” for, because I didn’t have what was “required” or it simply just was just not meant for me.  Admittedly, those moments were disappointing and at times demotivating, but, for me, those feelings were temporal and temporary, and served as my redirection into that which I was better suited.   I accepted, and I moved on.  Furthermore, it is also important to understand and accept rejection, because there are also benefits to be derived in this space of discomfort.  While Harvard Business Review agrees that rejection can be filled with discomfort and pain, they also state that rejection can help us to become better, come up with new ideas or to redirect our path into something else.

The truth of the matter is that there are some rejections that are way more stressful to navigate; those are the ones that we must ensure that we have those uncomfortable conversations about so that we learn how to properly respond to.

Nafeen and Jahan (2019) highlight that rejection is a kind of extreme stress felt in response to a number of factors which can lead to rejection sensitivity, social distancing, exclusion, identify conflict, insecurity and even violence.  For some, rejection is such a sensitive issue that many of us have not learned to properly accept and/or navigate.   We do ourselves and society a disservice by not teaching ourselves and our offspring/those in our ward how to handle rejection.  This should be something that is embedded into the psyche of our children once they are able to understand the concept. 

I do understand that for many the matter of rejection is a complex one that may have caused childhood trauma that they have not properly healed from.  Therefore, when it happens in adult life, it sends off a trigger that may cause a person to respond in irrational ways.  I don’t understand and cannot accept, however, the gruesome manner in which some of our men (and women) have opted to respond to being told “no”.

With this in mind, I wonder…. Should handling rejection be taught throughout formal schooling and practiced in role play for both girls and boys so that our society (those coming up) understand that rejection is as inevitable as it is necessary? I truly believe so.  My readings reveal that it as important as it is to teach children to address problematic behaviours within themselves, it is as important for us to help them to overcome rejection and to move on from it.  This is something that is not just for school but should be reinforced within homes non-stop, so that it is normalized as part of everyone’s rite of passage. 

After all, we reject, and we are rejected throughout our life – a cycle that continues until we die!  Literally.

As stated earlier, I do understand the complex nature of rejection.  I imgine what it would be like for a child whose parent(s) may have rejected him/her and how devastating that would be in relation to how he/she responds in his/her adult life, especially if the matter is not resolved.  But I also imagine that if this is introduced early with tips on how to handle rejection, then it being normalized would be an actual thing.

Rejection, being a prime reason for gruesome crimes being committed against women, is not unique to any one country.  This is an epidemic that is occurring the world over.  This is a global concern.  A study, Macquire University, Australia (2010)[2] posits that “some men, having experienced rejection within their families of origin or in relation to past partners, become sensitive to potential rejection in their current relationships,” which lends itself to what the study asserts to be a “rejection-abuse cycle,” which identifies a pattern of perpetrator behavior, which links rejection, threat to self, defense against threat, and abuse.

A woman leaves a man for someone else.  Does she deserve death?  Why?  What does it profit a man?  Literally!  He eliminates her body, so she no longer exists, and what is the derived satisfaction? 

Or an even more common occurrence…. you see her; you want her, and she tells you no, and you become angry, so you eliminate her for good. Why?  What is it about rejection that is too much for you to handle?  Then there is the flip side of this.  A woman becomes rejected by a man, but she appears unbothered.  Guess what… she is also punished for her response, or the lack thereof.  Crazy right?!  But it does happen.

“She wants you, but you don’t want her” is as NORMAL as “him wanting you, and you having no interest”!  I want a job, but the job doesn’t think I am suitable, so they don’t take me.  This is also normal and okay.  He applied for a loan, but he does not have enough support to indicate his ability to repay, so he does not get loan.  This is normal.  Your friend, for whatever reason, no longer wants to interact, so you both walk away from the friendship.  It happens, and this too is alright! 

Not everything that we want will want us, and not everything that wants us is desirable to us (job, partner, friendship, etc).  And if you have not been taught to say NO when you are not interested, then that is also something that should be taught (but that is for another blog).

We can all agree that it can be one of the most daunting experiences when you have your heart set on something and you do not get it – were not chosen for it in the end.  Sometimes, this is God’s way of preparing us for that which is better for us; we should, therefore, let the feeling of rejection pass through us so that we don’t end up damaging ourselves and others.

I am sure that many will argue that the solution is not as simple as teaching about how to manoeuvre rejection, etc. since the way people respond may have a lot to do with some deep rooted psychological issues (for example, sex, power, gender roles, socialization, etc).  We agree earlier that rejection is complex. I still assert that rejection needs to be introduced early into childhood so that it can be normalized.

The bottom line is, we need to properly introduce into our everyday discourse those conversations that seek to explain, etc. the matter of rejection and its inevitability and necessity so that we are lot less aggressive with our responses.  This will, I believe, help our children to become men (and women) who seek healthy and helpful alternatives to character and/or physical assassination with the normalized understanding that rejection is inevitable as it is necessary!

[1] https://www.who.int/news/item/09-03-2021-devastatingly-pervasive-1-in-3-women-globally-experience-violence

[2] Brown, J., James, K., & Taylor, A. (2010). Caught in the rejection-abuse cycle: Are we really treating perpetrators of domestic abuse effectively? Journal of Family Therapy, 32(3), 280-307. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6427.2010.00494.x

No, thanks! No deterrent.

“when your intentions are pure, you don’t lose anyone; they lose you” – Nipsey Hustle

Have you ever ignored a gut feeling to extend a “helping hand”, for one reason or the other but didn’t; only to learn later that had you gone ahead with that push-to-do-something, it would have made a world of a difference in someone else’ life?

Admittedly, this has happened to me on more than one occasion, but my latest disobedience resonated….

Several months ago, I had the strongest inclination to do extend myself to someone, and I didn’t.  The empath in me had a gut-feeling, and I allowed the part of me that doesn’t like to bother people – the part of me that prefers to just keep to myself – that part of me that likes to stay in the background – to find all the excuses in the world not to do that which I knew deep down, at the time, would have been the right thing to do.

In my mind’s eye, this person did not want to be “bothered”.  As it turns out, I should have reached out and had the conversation, offered the assistance etc. I felt the need to at that time, because not only would what I had in mind been useful/needed/required, it would have been timely.  When I learned later about the nature of what was happening and what would have been a prudent “intervention”, I was completely bummed and saddened.

This particular situation reminded me how important it is for us to offer a helping hand, regardless of how we perceive it will be received.  Oftentimes, we preempt a person’s response based on our past experiences, or we simply misinterpret a person’s action/inaction, which ultimately leads to a fear of being turned down (or whatever else reason), so we end up not doing what is needed.  Since we live in a world where we all need people, no matter our personality dispensation, it is not our responsibility to worry about how our act of kindness is received, especially when our intentions are pure (and the ways in which we give reconcile with that).  Even if the response to our act of kindness is negative or something less than we had hoped, it is better to offer the helping hand and have the hand turned down than to do nothing and run the risk of not making a needed change in someone’s situation.  After all, extending oneself/resources should not be about us.

The flip side of this is that there are many of us who are uncomfortable by kind gestures, for a myriad of reason which include the ways in which past gestures (of kindness) have either been used against us after the fact, or we have been made to feel like the extension of a helping hand has strings attached – almost like indentured servitude – or the ways in which the kindness was extended felt unkind.  Realistically, some of us struggle with receiving help, even though we may love to give help.   

As a cautionary note, we need to develop thicker skins as it relates to having our kindness rejected.  We have to learn to not take a “No, thank you” personal.  After all, our obligation on the face of this earth is to look out for each other, especially in this very challenging time that forces us to be insular.  Further, we must be mindful that we have very little or no control over what people interpret our actions to mean, because more times than not, a person’s interpretation of what we do and who we are is often hinged on their own experiences and/or limited understanding of what we do and who we are, especially when they have limited access to us.

Although I highly doubt that I will ALWAYS follow that gut-feeling, I pray that I am obedient when the discernment speaks loudly.  Bottom line, if we are being “led” to extend ourselves to someone, it is often because answered prayers/miracles usually require the act/intervention of a physical person.  The miracles that we need to make a difference in our day/life, etc. do not accidentally fall from the sky like our childhood story books tell us.  God’s blessings usually occur through someone else.

Furthermore, if a person misinterprets our pure intentions, the questions that beg to be asked are:

  • How is this any of our business?
  • Should we be concerned? 
  • Should we worry about this?
  • Should we spend time deconstructing their perception?

The only thing that comes up as answer to the questions is…. “naah, seems pointless”.

Whatever the case, we still have to check ourselves to ensure that the ways in which we extend ourselves is done in a kind manner.  When we give someone something (advise/resources, etc.), it must also be done with KINDNESS – with respect, with humility – with LOVE.  Sometimes we don’t even have to let the person we are helping know that the help is coming from us…get them the help discretely, and keep quiet about it.

In the meantime, let us pay closer attention to the people in our space (“look to the left, and then to the right of you”[1]), follow your gut and the Lord’s leading and offer a helping hand (with love and humility, etc.); everything else will fall exactly where it should.  Guaranteed!

[1] Taken from “Looking Beyond,” a poem found in “The Chronicles of a Woman: The Truth-Teller” by yours truly, Stacey A Palmer.  Thank you for getting your copy today from https://www.amazon.com/Chronicles-Woman-Truth-Teller-Stacey-Palmer/dp/9769661708/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Self…? CONTROL!!

Jesus loves little children….

Cows love to graze….

Dogs love bones….

Cats love tuna

And….

I LOVE ice-cream!

Ever since I read that article about Corona and Ice-cream several months ago (and wrote a blog about it), I have been very skeptical about indulging in one of my favourite pass time – eating ice-cream.  Lately, however, I have slowly lifted my self-inflicted ice-cream ban.  So, imagine my absolute delight last Sunday (having craved ice-cream for several weeks) after my early morning supermarket run, when I called the Devon House Ice-cream[1] outlet and was informed at 9:30 a.m. that they were opened. The backstory is that they usually open at noon, but I figured that since it was “mothers’ day’ and due to the COVID restrictions they would be open earlier than normal to facilitate the ensuing lockdown.

I pulled up to the spot, right, and there it was – opened like the lady on the phone had stated. If you know me, you know that the dopamine in my brain was activated.  Let’s just say that the lark had nothing on me.  Yes, I love ice-cream that much!  In my head I am skipping, but I walked calmly toward the entrance, with the intention of buying a small tub for one or two sittings – 16  ounces to be exact.    Now that I think about it, I am the most engaging with customer service personnel when I am in the ice-cream parlour; as soon as I went in, I became my usual ice-cream chatty self.  I am either encouraging the server to push down on the ice-cream when packaging it – that way I get the most from my purchase, or I am negotiating with the cashier who is usually encouraging me to get more.  I typically go once every six weeks. 

Now I know y’all are thinking… how can someone who loves ice-cream that much indulge this infrequently and small amounts at a time?  Makes no sense, right?  Wrong!  In the end, this will all make some sense.

Now back the story…. So I go into the store and walk up to the cashier.  I point to the 16-ounce container and tell him that’s the one I want.  He looks at me, as if he has an ice-cream file on me – like the ice-cream gods told him my secret, and he says to me, like the ice-cream dealer he is… “we have a special today.  Are you sure that is one you want?”

I see the tactic, so I stand firm… “Yes, that IS the one I want…. The second one from the bottom – the 16 ounces,” so as to make it abundantly clear.

“Well,” he said, “we are having a special today.  You can get 2 quarts for $3,000.00” (US$19.90). 

I am smirking under my mask… half delighted and half annoyed (because although I would want more than the 16 ounces, I don’t NEED it).

He continues his sales pitch, “Usually the quart is $2,000.00 (US13.26), but if you buy two quarts, you get both for $3,000.00 (US19.90). 

Do the math people.  My 16 ounces cost J$1,200.00 (US$7.97); the quart, which is twice the amount of the one I am purchasing is more affordable, so it makes sense that I get the special.   You get the gist. 

I looked him straight in the eyes, and with all the agency that I have over myself I said, “No, Sir!  NO special for me today.  I have to exercise some amount of self-control….”  Mary Prince, Rosa Parks and Nanny of the Maroons would be proud of me.

By this time, we are both chuckling, because he knows.  I continued, “If I buy the quart or even the special you are promoting, I will end up eating them all in the space of days….so nope.  NO. THANK. YOU”

At least he knows when to quit; so he hands me my receipt, and I saunter over to my right to collect 16 ounces of my favourite ice-cream on the planet.  I chit chat a little bit with my server, who does as I instructed:  she jam-packs my mango-passion and strawberry ice-cream into my 16-ounce container, and I was merrily on my way!  My evening was gonna be blissful (I would wait until after dinner to consume).

I must tell you though.  I was very tempted…. VERY. VERY. VERY TEMPTED to purchase that wonderful ice-cream deal! But I am not like the normal/average human being, who is able to store ice-cream in their refrigerator for months and partake once in a while! Nope, and I am not ashamed to say.    If I have those two quarts jam-packed with my favorite flavours, I will devour it morning, noon, and night until it was all gone.  It would not have made it a week! 

This is my ice-cream eating conundrum, which is why I control my ice-cream purchasing.  I know my weakness, and I will not be controlled by it.  I have been asked/offered ice-cream, and I often say no, for this reason.  I usually get either get a single cone or I take away 16 ounces, ie I get the icecream I want when I do (mostly a cone or 16 ounces).

Let’s just say that I had an awesome after-dinner-delight that evening!

Moral of the story?

As I often say, “every weh yuh tun, lesson di deh fi learn” (everywhere you turn, there is a lesson to be learned).  So, here goes:

Every single person has a vice (a bad habit; a weakness, etc.).  Every single person has that thing or two that we struggle to control.  Something that if we do it or too much of it, the outcome can be devastating.  That thing could be anything ranging from eating too much candy, ice-cream, cake, etc., to lying, cheating, to having unprotected sex with multiple partners to stealing….inability to say no… anything.

As for me (and I am not suggesting that this is the only one), if I consume ice-cream to match my love for it, there are many not-so-desirable things that WILL happen (I don’t even have to list them here); therefore, I.  DO. NOT! 

I am yet to meet a person without a vice; I have, instead, met those who claim they have none.  Yeah, right!! 

Regardless, we have to learn to control ourselves.  We have to exercise self-control, because most times it is not just for the benefit of us, but for the benefit of those in our lives and sometimes for the benefit of a larger community, no matter how sweet the “deal” appears.  Self-control requires deliberate and intentional self-talk and understanding the significance of making the right choice.  Most times our vices fulfil TEMPORARY GRATIFICATION and in the end we are left to sit in regret or something more sinister.  For the people in the back, I am also not suggesting that I always operate in control…. Oh no honey! But I make every effort to.

My talk to myself on this ice-cream buying Sunday was “SELF?  CONTROL!”  and it worked!

And for all y’all whose vice is to pull down your mask under your chin to speak to someone standing in front of you…. RESIST THE URGE!  DO.  NOT. DO. IT!

I promise you… we can hear you well enough under your properly-worn mask.

[1] https://www.nationalgeographic.com/travel/article/ice-cream-parlors

A SISTER KNOWS…!

It is interesting how 2 heavy days out of a 7-day week can infiltrate the experience of your entire week and let you feel like your entire week was bad.  These are the lies we tell ourselves that we somehow believe!  Luckily for me, a sister/friend checked in and offered a very timely reminder…  We all need people like that in our lives… those who see us in our growth stages and who are there to remind us of who and whose we are! 

So, here I am….

Society says it is “Mother’s Day” weekend, so I should be writing about mother’s day, but that is not quite me.  Those people who know me know that I am not big on “days” – not Valentine’s day, Christmas Day, Graduation Day, Fathers’ Day, etc.  For me, for example, graduation day is exactly that – the day you graduate, but not necessarily the day you are finished.  You have to first finish before you can graduate; graduation day is a formality – a choice.  Plus, I tend to celebrate my milestones very privately.  When I have completed a programme, etc, I will reflect on the journey and operate in thankfulness.  No ceremony for me! (but I will do it for my daughter’s graduation).  But that’s just me… the other days are just days, because I honestly feel that we should celebrate those people in our lives every chance we get and not wait on these “specially selected” days to do so.  Again, that’s just me.  I don’t interfere with those who do, but become a tad peeved by those who will treat a person horribly all year round and then make a big splash of these society-assigned days of celebration for public display.

But this blog is not about that…. LOL… or maybe it is partly about that.

Yesterday, a friend of mine sent me a screenshot of a twitter post that reads, “Whatever you do, stay away from women who humiliate other women for male attention.”

This statement is a very loaded one that extends way beyond the scope of what it communicates.  Therefore, when I saw this, it resonated with me, because I often observe and speak about how unkind we are as women to other women, even when we have been through a similar turmoil/joys, etc. as another woman.  I often wonder what is it about us that allows us to be this way to each other.  What I also find interesting is that the men who treat women horribly often have other women who support or assist them doing so; I call these women “Grave Diggers”.    

While I have my own why-theory, I also agree with the experts, such as Andrews (2020)[1] and Gabriel (2018) who state that women are unkind to each other for a number of reasons which include, but not limited to, jealousy, the mistreated woman violating gender expectations (such as being too assertive or confidence) or competing for the spot in favoured space/the same resources (or maybe even competing for men).  There is also evidence that women are even more unkind to each other than men are to each other.  We also know that in addition to that, women suffer at the hands of their male counterparts; either way, women are feeling the brunt from all angles.

I remember being in one of my gender classes having one of those deconstructed in-class discussions, when my lecturer asked the question, “should a woman expect support from another woman just because she is a woman?”.   I don’t remember getting an answer, but this has been food for thought; let’s just say that I have a mixed response to this – one that requires its own post to discuss.  Still, the question that begs to be asked is:

is it unrealistic that a woman should expect support because she is woman – she is me, and I am her – i.e. our struggles are similar?  

For my female readers: Have you ever walked into a room with more men than women and you automatically gravitate toward the space occupied by the women hoping for some kind of solidarity/warm welcome, etc., but you receive quite the opposite for no apparent reason, even when your intentions are pure?    For the purpose of mentioning the flip side, I guess  I could also ask… “have you ever walked into same room and gravitate toward the male side of the room and completely ignore the other females…”.  

Many women look at their intersectionality as a divider – a complete separation – than they are able to see the similarities.  For example, she who is educated, uptown, married and mother is often unable to identify with she who is uneducated, downtown, unmarried and mother; meanwhile, they are both suffering the same fate in their homes/work life, etc. If we stopped to engage (beyond critiquing each other’s attire, affiliation, background and approach, we would discover that we are sisters in our pains and joy, our purpose and healing.  I have had women look me up and down and decide, without a word exchanged, that they “can’t stand me” (to a textbook introvert, this is not always a bad thing, but I digress).  I have had women with whom I had never interacted “borrow hate” (a concept I introduced in an earlier blog) and treat me according to what has been spewed.  I have had women who have been the “grave digger” in my life; some of these women have been older women who are also mothers with similar struggles. I have also witnessed the silence of women in situations where another woman needed her support.

Let me hasten to say that, regardless of what we may feel, I am certain that there is a woman somewhere who didn’t have the best experience with us, whether or not we argue this to not be the case.  A friend of mine once said to me, ‘…we are all a villain in someone’s story.”  And I am not talking about the smearer (reference to an earlier blog)….

I have also had the very opposite of that.  I have enjoyed beautiful relationships with women who have stood firmly in support of me.  I have had beautiful friendships that have died a natural death, but still left their marks, so love for them remains to this day.  I have had friendships that transcend death.  I have had friends who are like sisters and sisters who are friends.  I have also witnessed friendships between other women blossom beautifully.  Bottom line, my experience has been good and bad, and I am deliberately not saying which I have had more of (the good or the bad). 

Advocacy can be tiring, because I feel like the more things change is the more they remain the same; therefore, what is the point?  For as long as I have known myself women have been complaining about the way we treat each other.  It feels like it won’t ever end.  Could it be that we have been taught these unrealistic expectations of each other or is it a fair expectation to have had.  Regardless, I encourage all of us women to extend beyond competing and insecurities and stand in support of each other, despite our intersectionality, and despite those invisible barriers that have been created to keep us blinded and divided.  We don’t need to know a woman’s personal story to understand her plight; all we need to do is to think about our own struggles.  I have had so many conversations with women from different socio-economic background, and my biggest takeaway is that we are one and the same – in our love life, in our quest for peace, in our desire for success, and in our MOTHERING, etc. (see what I did there)  Let love reign.

As you ponder on these things, please enjoy the reading of my poem, A Sister Knows, from my recently launched book, The Chronicles of A Woman:  The Truth-Teller.  Once you have enjoyed this beautifully executed piece, head over to www.amazon.com, and get your mother, sister, friend, wife, aunt, etc. a copy.  You will NOT be sorry you did! 

A SISTER KNOWS by Stacey A Palmer, performed by Jayd.

[1] Andrews, S (2020).  Why Do Women Don’t Always Support Other Women.  Forbes.  https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2020/01/21/why-women-dont-always-support-other-women/?sh=5dd6e6193b05

Parenting and Trauma: the “Broken Repair”

I am certain some of what will be stated in this blog I would have already mentioned to some extent in previous blogs; either way, I think it prudent to those of us who are on this parenting/mothering/fostering/child-rearing journey to hear the experiences of those of us who are still learning as we go along, wherever we are on the journey.

So, I recently had a very open discussion with my offspring about how trauma can be manifested in the parenting process.  As I listened to her articulate her experiences in how she has been parented, it dawned on me that some of what was given to her (in the overall parenting of her) is not what was always required by her – there are things that were lacking in her “growth experience”.

Now if you ask any person who knows me, observes me, interacts with me, etc. they will tell you, beyond doubt, that I offer all of myself to my child.  I give of my resources, and I make myself available, so that she has all that she needs and wants.   While she has agreed that I am one of the most reliable persons that she knows, she has also asserted that there are elements of my parenting that might be lacking.  For her, I am not always “emotionally reliable”, despite being available to her beck and call. 

WOW!  What a punch-to-the-gut wakeup call that was.  That was hard to hear, as I felt that I have emotionally made myself available to her; after all, she could reach me any time, and I would come running and she could talk to me about anything (or so I believed).   From the perspective, I am sure that we could all agree that none of us is any one thing all the time, especially with parenting. 

But what good would it do to argue absolutes, right?! 

Time for introspection, which is always needed in relationships, especially those with our children.  Situations are not always hunky-dory, and as parents, we do not always have control over other variables in the parenting process, but as mothers, especially, we tend to take on the entire responsibility, even when some of those responsibilities lie elsewhere.

In this much needed tête-à-tête, she further stated that while I am there for her, there are things in this entire process, all sides included, that have not necessarily been good to her and for her.  While I was aware of some of what was problematic, I didn’t necessarily realize the extent to which these “things” truly affected her, nor did I realize the ways in which my response to those things bothered her. 

In going forward, it is therefore important for me to take responsibility for my part and to truly reflect on how those things have created some type of trauma for her and to also continue to provide the necessary interventions to help her to heal so that she can properly navigate the world outside of the parenting process.  I have had many conversations with other parents who do not always get the opportunity to know about those things that truly trouble their children or they either find out when those children are full blown adults when wounds would have completely festered.   I have also had conversations with parents who have had similar situations, where they were forced to introspect at very critical points in the parenting process.  As hard of a conversation it was to have had, I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to process my role, from her perspective.

A part of myself wants to blame myself, but then I reflect on one of my recent blogs about operating in ones best…  So I let go, and let God!

As I ponder further on our conversation, the following came to mind:

What (some) parents do not realize

  • Our children’s trauma may not look like ours for them to be considered trauma. 
  • Though our children may acknowledge and applaud what they deem to be our parenting strength in some areas, it doesn’t mean that they are not lacking and needing from us in other key areas.
  • Our children do not care what anyone on the “outside” thinks we are doing, if they remain unfulfilled in an area(s) that they believe is key to their development at any given point.
  • Parenting is not about the validation of the world; it is about what we ACTUALLY do or NOT do in the process of parenting them.
  • What our children require do not remain constant in all areas; therefore, we must pay attention.
  • The fact that you may believe that you do not have trauma in your own life, doesn’t mean that you won’t or can’t or have not inflicted trauma unto your child.
  • The behaviour/lifestyle of a parent can cause trauma on a child or affect their view on life. They see AND internalize more than we realize.
  • It is wise and prudent to accept responsibility (and let them know) for the role you have played in a child’s trauma.
  • Observed reckless behaviours can be trauma-contributors.
  • Our children’s needs change as they evolve.  They may not always say what those needs are, so sometimes we misread.
  • Sometimes the choices that we have made for what we deem to be the good of them turns out to be at their detriment.
  • Once we recognize our parenting ills, we have to try our best to fix ourselves or at the very least help them to navigate so that they can heal, which often requires help outside of what we don’t know (professional help, ie).
  • Getting your child professional help doesn’t always mean that you are a parenting failure
  • Good parents make parenting blunders too; no parent is a perfect parent.

What children do not yet know

  • Good parents make parenting blunders too; no parent is a perfect parent (this is true for both parent and child).
  • Parents are human beings with issues, baggage and traumas of their own.  We become sad, defeated and broken at times; We get tired too.  It is easier for us to fix physical tiredness than it is for us to fix emotional fatigue.  Sometimes it doesn’t matter how many degrees we have, we are clueless what to do with our emotional fatigue. 
  • Though they may see us as “strong”, we are not always strong in all areas of our lives as it may appear to them. 
  • We collect our parenting tools as we go along, depending on what is needed at any given time.
  • Sometimes we do not know that we do not possess the RIGHT tools until we are told.
  • Some parents do not tell nor do they realize that they have traumas, but they are often manifested in some reckless behaviours.
  • Parenting is probably the only thing in our lives that requires for us to be there even when we can’t; we cannot apply for departmental, sick or vacation leave from parenting.  We just must, because even when they are not with us, we are parenting nonstop, in our minds.
  • Some of the things that they become angry at us for today, they will say “thank you” for later in life.
  • They (our children) won’t quite understand why parents do what we do until they understand (whenever that is); this simply means that their appreciation (of us) or the lack thereof won’t manifest until it does (often into their adult lives).
  • The more exposed they become to the world, is the more their views of who we are as parents and what we have done will change (good or bad).

The bottom line is that parenting is as complex as being a child is.  Our children see, process, and internalize at every phase in their lives. 

So what do we do about this very complex matter of parenting despite ourselves (what we bring to the table or don’t bring?)

I do not quite have the answer to that question, to be honest.  I am still learning.    

What I can say is that we have to be very open about wanting to be better parents (that sometimes means fixing ourselves) at every stage of the parenting process.  Listening to our children helps at every stage of parenting them.   It is true that what they require is not always what we give, but what they require is sometimes not known to even them.

While some of us have exposed our children to some things that they shouldn’t have been exposed to by virtue of what we have accepted or have done in our own lives, the pandemic has brought with it another set of parenting challenges.  Some parents are operating on E (nothing left), when the truth is our children, at this time, require the most of us, as they themselves are operating on their own versions of being empty (E).  Accordingly, we have to be willing to, at the very least, try to help them heal from what they are experiencing and have experienced that might be traumatic to them.

After all, there is value to be found in the “Broken Repair” (check out image at the top of the blog, which is one of my poems from my recently launched book, “The Chronicles of a Woman: The Truth-teller”, now available on http://www.amazon.com.