Tis the season to be jolly…tis the season for giving…yaay yaay… we know this… this is what society continues to feed us…so we get it! We are supposed to be singing Christmas carols in the mornings as we rise and feeling a sense of love and inexplicable joy – all this should be automatic, because it is, after all, the Yuletide season.
It’s also the time of year when our children expect gifts, and it is the time of the year when parents feel the most pressured to live up to our children’s expectations.
So what do parents do if we are not jolly or couldn’t care less about the yuletide and its fa la la la la, but we know it’s not about us – that it is not about us and our gloom? It’s about our little (and not so little)ones who have their hearts set on ripping apart that paper to see what “surprises” are in store. My daughter spent so much time giving me hints about the many gifts that she wants this Christmas. She’s been telling me lately that her doll needs a companion, as well as listing the many gadgets that all eight year old girls “need”.
What do we do when the pressure to ensure that everything that our children need – love, food, shelter, happiness, etc – sometimes clash with our mood/ability (the lack thereof) to provide everything while struggling to keep our happiness and festivity at the right level to ensure that our children experience that sense of joy that we experienced as children (whether or not we did when we were children)?
There are so many mothers (and fathers), who feel a heavy sense of gloom, for so many reasons: a sense of gloom that becomes magnified during “the season to be jolly”. It is even more difficult for single parents who have to do everything with and for the children, because there is no one to take the reign when the primary care giver feels like putting it down. Single parents, in 2011, doesn’t necessarily mean single parent households, but in some cases it means doing it alone, despite having the other parent in the same household.
It is important for us, as parents seeking to find that extra parenting oomph during this yuletide season, to take the time to regroup, to replenish our mental state so that we can muster the right amount of fa la la la la that is needed to make it through this time. The way I see it, our children should not be raised in a false sense of reality. While I agree that children do not need to know everything that is going on with us as parents, they need to understand when mommy or daddy needs to take time away from everyone (including them) to make time for ourselves. Children must understand that it is okay for moms (dads too) to feel sad from time to time, in spite of the Christmas joy that is being “spread” everywhere. Parenting is one of the most difficult “jobs” anyone could ever have, if we decide to parent the way we should in order to raise well-adjusted, kind, loving, and honest children. Let me hasten to say that I am absolutely not against singing a happy song and doing a happy dance during this time, but as important as that is, it is equally important for parents, especially when our hands are full and our heads are bursting with our many parenting responsibilities, etc. to understand when we need to regroup in order to fulfill our INSURMOUNTABLE duties.
At the end of the day, the yuletide season lasts only for just that – a season. Our parenting will have continued after the gifts no longer bring the excitement they did on Christmas morning and all the leftovers have been devoured. Yuletide or not, parents don’t always feel like playing the role. We won’t always feel like laughing when everyone else is, and that is okay. Sometimes mom feels like curling up in bed and eating from a bowl while everyone else is sitting nicely exchanging yuletide platitudes at the table well decorated with the food cooked by us. That doesn’t mean that we don’t love our kids/family; it just simply means that we are regrouping when we feel the need to – even when it is NOT convenient for everyone else. The fear for many of us, as moms, is that we are afraid of what the “others” will think, if we don’t show up at the table; so, like we always do, we sacrifice our mental state for the “greater good”. When the truth is, if we explained our absence in a loving way to our children, it can make the world of a difference to our mental health and to their ultimate well-being. Truth be told, if they don’t understand it now, they will process our “intermittent” absence from the “gathering” in a different way when they get older (young adults). In the end, it will be better for all involved, as far as I am concerned.
Take my humble advise and do what needs to be done, no matter the time, if it means taking care of our mental health. Fa la la la la can wait; sometimes regrouping CAN’T. After all, if our mental health is screwed up, so will our children be, and the Yuletide seasons will mean nothing to anyone, at the end of the day! Façades don’t raise well-adjusted children.
As long as we create an environment that explains to our children that they are loved, etc. even though mommy/daddy are not in a celebratory mood, we will have done the world of good, which will have ultimately benefited all involved, in the long run!
The fact is, life is not about how much you have on your table or how much gift you receive; it is about doing what’s best for us, as parents so that we can, in the final analysis, be the best parents we can be to our children. REGROUP NOW, OR SUFFER LATER!
Peace be with you, as we strive to uncover the truth about parenting!
PARENTING, ADVOCACY AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN 
I think a lot of people don’t realize just how much effort it takes to be a parent until they get to the Christmas holidays. How do you explain to a child that it’s the season to be giving, whilst there’s such consumerist craziness all around? And also, you WANT to give to the child, yes?
For me, personally, Christmas is very hard. I cannot imagine how it is for parents who have to struggle, not just in terms of ready cash, but just with the idea of trying to be seen as a perfect parent. But I agree with your admonishment of regrouping; it’s like when they tell you to put on your own safety-gear in the case of a plane crash before you help your child. How can you help them if you need help yourself?
indeed Meisha! if we want to truly be there for our children, we must first be there for ourselves. I have discovered that pausing to take time out for yourself does a world of good, to both you and the child for whom you are responsible. Some people don’t understand the importance of “regrouping”; but it is as important to the mind as a balanced diet is to the body!
I can so relate to the pain of that parent, I too struggle not only in the yuletide season but throughout the year. In some ways my children have come to understand the reality of our family situation so even now during the yuletide season, it is not that bad. The reqrouping thing I do all year round although I don’t seem to be reqrouped any at all but it does help. Parenting is hard and it’s an awesome responsibility and I sometimes wonder if I am doing a good job (most times I don’t think I am). But as we parents continue to struggle to make our children well adjusted individuals, we have to lean on the wisdom of God to guide us or else all is in vain.
as far as i see it, there is no ONE solution to the parenting woes. I am sure that you are doing everything in your power to do that which is necessary to ensure that you are raising well-adjusted individuals. It is, as a matter of fact, trial and error, but I know that with God’s continued guidance you will continue to do right by your kids; that, to me means you are being the best parent you can be. Once you are being the best you can be to yourself and your children, all else will fall into place.
Blessings!
This piece is spot on! My love is so palpable(physical) with my kids that if im not doing so well on any given day,my kids recognise it immediately.But i always ensure that i chase my depletedness with a vocal massage(emotional) that is reassuring to them and that usually manifests itself after “regrouping”.So they get it and have always uniformly show up in my bedroom with grand gestures support!. This article is well written and im sure it has alot of people rethinking the true definition of parenting.
thanks cupid! your comments are always welcome. as i write more on the topic of parenting, i hope that we can articulate the side to parenting that most people don’t necessarily place at the fore. in any event, this regrouping is such an important part of who we are as human being/parents. continue doing what you do; i am sure it wilL CONTINUE to pay off in the end.
Thanks for sharing Stace it is so true, just last evening I felt so overwhelmed and was telling the girls just “stop saying mummy for a second” say daddy too and telling daddy listen u can make decisions too! Sometimes its too much n regrouping is necessary for the greater good.
Whilst I like the silly season I actually do not go out of my way with the gifts giving as long as an item is under the tree it has to do, as after the season its back to reality, school fee, extra curr activities, snacks and d list goes on.
I often tell myself the big P for parenting aint no joke, we must continue to support n encourage each other n with this I say thank u Stace