Compartmentalized and All That Jazz!

Life is so weird and unpredictable…one minute you are up and the next minute you are down…you know you should be grateful for your “blessings”; still, you find yourself experiencing a sudden sense of blah and gloom. A sense of hopelessness that totally interferes with your routine, and then you find yourself stuck – unable to pick yourself up long enough to carry out your mundane…‎​You find yourself sinking deeper and deeper into the abyss of despair and you are comfortable there…well almost; until, almost like a “PING” of life, you hear a voice crying out…”Mom, where is my breakfast…can’t you see I’m starving…?” then, you are pushed back into your parenting reality – a reality that awaits nothing or no one.

What do you do then? You have no choice but to set aside your despondency – if even for the fifteen minutes it takes to prepare the breakfast of choice – to feed the child with whom you have been blessed….because you know then and there, in the moment of living up to your (aspired) title of “world’s greatest mom”, that the gloom can wait (it has to), but the hunger of a whining child can’t… What do you do when the pressure seems unbearable; when you feel like just sitting and staring at the wall, because you are too bombarded with everything that’s going on, at work and in your personal life, to even give one hoot about a child who comes crying about her friend that no longer wants to play with her because she says she is” too black” or anything else of equal importance?  You COMPARTMENTALIZE.  Now this is not as easy as it sounds.  In fact, it is one mammoth task.  But, I have come to find that, more than anything else, it involves a lot of self-talk and practice.  Sometimes, in the midst of it all, you literally have to say to yourself, “one thing has nothing to do with the other, because my child comes first…” then we do what so many moms do – we compartmentalize!

Compartmentalizing has become an automatic way of life for so many mothers/parents (single and otherwise).  We have learnt to box away one thing in order to deal with the next.  We cannot afford to allow our annoyance at our boss, disgust with our partner/ex, heartbreak from a betrayal, or lack of resources, to come in the way of our parenting…and as much as we would rather not parent during these times, we truly do NOT have a choice; because, as always, we find ourselves thinking about our “babies” (who are quick to tell us that they are no longer babies) – we find ourselves thinking, first, about their needs, so compartmentalize we must!

Compartmentalizing has worked for me, for the most part, because had I not, in many instances, I would have certainly lost “it” on the wrong person – my “baby” – and that, to me, is ABSOLUTELY not worth it, nor is it ok.  For me, it just means putting my everyday issues in their rightful places and dealing with them accordingly, so that it doesn’t affect the parenting process, as best as I possibly can.  Compartmentalizing means telling ourselves that this child has nothing to do with the “madness” that’s taking place in my life, as well as not taking it out on her… It means sitting together with your partner/ex/baby daddy/mamma/surrogate in front of your child’s teacher to discuss school-related matters as a united front, even when you are both not on speaking terms or after a huge fight, because you are fully aware that your child’s well-being is far more important than anything disdain you may have toward each other – THAT is the ULTIMATE level of compartmentalization that any parent can ever attain.  Can this be really done, you may ask?  Yes, it can be – it has been.  I have been there, so I KNOW!

For me, when I look at my daughter, I know that in the grand scheme of things, parenting her is what falls as top priority on my list of “things to do”, and I feel strongly that I owe it to her to honor that responsibility.  I look at her and I see someone who needs me; so I, from time to time, put my other issues in their different places in order to ensure that she is given the time, etc. that she needs.  I say “from time to time”, because there are days when I simply CANNOT compartmentalize. Those are the days when I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, and the weight is too much to bear.  This weight is something that is NOT unique to any one parent; and certainly not unique to me – we all experience this from time to time. THAT, to me is okay.  That is REALITY.  It’s okay to experience this… to make mistakes in the parenting process… to falter as parents; as long as our mistakes are corrected along the way.  After all, as far as I see it, we are all parents in training. Pick up the pieces, and try again.

When I snap, I quickly apologize and explain to her in a kid-friendly way that mommy doesn’t mean what was said, because mommy is having a bad day.  Usually this works; but NOT always.  This is when I start feeling like crap, because of the look on her face.  This look on her face is what reminds me to COMPARTMENTALIZE the next time around.

Because we are so human, as parents we do not always do the right thing and at the right time.  Sometimes, this compartmentalized issued is not as clear-cut as placing our INSURMOUNTABLE issues in their rightful places.  It is not so easy to box anything away when they appear at the fore of our minds. So we MUST self-talk until it is embedded in your psyche – practice does become perfect.

Be reminded, therefore, that the next time (and there will be many) you are faced with your issues in the middle of parenting a (whining/crying/sad/happy/angry, etc.) child, remember to compartmentalize…remember that it is NOT your “baby’s” fault.  Remember that in the grand scheme of things, your responsibility to your child’s overall care is what comes first; so, COMPARTMENTALIZE TODAY!

Peace be with you, as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting!