It Takes A Village To Raise A Child; BUT….!

After reading a news item about a mother who was denied bail for throwing hot water on her 12 year old son, because he came home in soiled school clothes, I was flabbergasted, to say the least. What could cause a mother to do this to her own child?  Although this is something inconceivable, to me, I quickly without judgment, began thinking about all the things that could possibly be going on with her that could have caused her mindset to be significantly “altered” to the point of NO RETURN!

I have spoken to so many mothers who are completely stressed: mothers who have very little or no support, one way or the other.  Some are okay financially but lack the emotional support necessary to effectively function in the parenting process; while others are finding it increasingly difficult to make “ends meet” and are basically living hand to mouth.

Lord knows I have had my share of being “too stressed to think”, so I completely understand how being this stressed can impact a woman’s ability to parent.  Too often, as mothers, we play the role of super woman, believing that we can and should play all roles at all times, when the truth is this, playing this role all the time can literally kill us.  Sometimes we need to take break from the routine. There are days when I feel like my head is going to split open, and I must zone everything and everyone out, including my child. When this happens, we must call upon members of the “village”.  As parents, we need to have a village of our own from which to draw strength/assistance when the going gets too tough.  The saying is true – “it takes a village to raise a child”.

I feel compelled, however, to point out that this village MUST never consist of all and sundry.  Unlike the physical “village” in which we reside (and have very little or no control over its members), it is of utmost importance that we select VERY carefully those people who become members (long term or short) of this parenting village.  Therefore, it is the responsibility to of the parent(s) to reject any “intervention” or assistance that does not “sit well” with us.  It is very critical that we understand that, even when we are very close to someone, we have to be careful the kind persons we expose our children to.  Too often, I have heard, when the “story breaks” that a parent is saying… “I didn’t follow my gut feeling…” in one situation or another – whether positively or negatively (but often to the detriment of the child).

Although there is absolutely no guarantee in life, parents should (because we have a responsibility to) as best as we can, ensure that our village consists of those people who will be able to make positive contributions to the parenting process.

Our village, can therefore, consist of (but not limited to):

TRUSTED friends and family members:  utilize those people who offer you genuine love and support and who are able to take some of the weight off your shoulders.  Be careful not to include those people you KNOW are not good for/with children.  In other words, being a family member or close friend does AUTOMATICALLY qualify a person to care for my child.  Sometimes the people we love are NOT the best caregivers nor do they possess the kind of values, etc. that we want to expose our children to. Thus, unsupervised visits/discussions, etc. are never allowed.  The person may feel hurt that you have not allowed them “in”, but our number one priority (as parents) is NEVER to protect an adult’s ego, but REMAINS ALWAYS to protect our children in every way, shape or form.  The fact of the matter is, while some of our friends are good for us, they are not always good for your children.

(TRUSTED) teacher/guidance counselor:  There are days when the issues at home and at school overlap, and I am not able to manage.  This is where I seek the expertise/guidance of someone trained.  Sad to say, but not all teachers are approachable nor have your child’s best interest at heart.  It is, therefore, key to develop a relationship with your child’s teacher(s) in order to keep abreast of changes (or the lack thereof) that’s going on with your child.  Too often, we are afraid of talking, but guidance counselors are there to assist – utilize their expertise.   The God’s honest truth is that our stories, as parents, are NOT unique – someone else has walked or IS walking in your shoes!

Other parents, etc.: There is nothing wrong with calling another parent and planning a play date with their child (and parent).  Get another parent’s number from your child’s class.   You can share recipes or verify homework…   This doesn’t mean you are trying to be friends – it just simply means you are being practical.  Because our stories are not unique (our struggles as parents are pretty much the same), I believe it is important to liaise with other parents.

RELEVANT books/tv shows, etc.:  I do NOT have all the answers to all the parenting issues that arise.  So I, from time to time, research these issues in an effort to find the best solution.  These may come in the form of a documentary, tv show, book/magazine, etc.  While I am not in agreement with everything that everyone says/writes, I do find the answers, many times hidden away in a book, etc.

PASSING STRANGER:  you have no idea how much you can learn from someone you have never met.  You can learn from a stranger, what to do and what NOT to do just by observing them in a parenting scenario.  Your village can consist of people who are passersby.  There is nothing wrong with listening and wading through information that you may find useful at some point or another in the parenting process.

While I ABSOLUTELY do not condone the abuse of a child, if we do not create and utilize our own little “parenting village”, we will snap, because we CANNOT and should not do it on our own.  Do not be afraid to ask for help when you need it.  I do not know the story of the mother above, but clearly she snapped somewhere/somehow.

It takes a village to raise a child, but choose your village wisely!

Peace be with you, as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.