Enough… Really?!

It is an age old problem that men and women continue to have.  Guy meets girl – they fall in love/lust; they get together; they have baby(ies)… they no longer get along…they hate each other, then they break up.  Regardless of the nature of the breakup, one thing is for sure, they must co-parent – there is a child(ren) in the mix who requires that both parents come together and parent with the child’s best interest at heart/in mind.  At the very least, that is what should happen – ideally.

In an ideal world both mommy and daddy should put all those unhealthy and disruptive emotions aside in order to provide the best care possible to the child.  Usually, it is the woman who automatically has primary “custody” of this child, which invariably means that the bulk of the parenting responsibility rests on her shoulders.  These responsibilities include everything (and anything) from providing emotional support to ensuring that proper care, in every form, is provided.

Having observed and spoken to several mothers, myself included,  (especially in parenting apart scenarios) I have come to the conclusion that fathers, for the most part believe that the onus is on the woman to ensure that all the needs of the child – those needs at home and outside of the homes, rest on the woman.  It is believed that in order to be classified a “good woman/mother”, one must be able to, without murmur of any kind, carry the bulk of the responsibility.

Apparently hair-combing, clothes washing, food-cooking, lunch-packing, supermarketing, tear-drying, story-reading, homework-monitoring, test-preparing, problem-solving, esteem-building, and the list goes on, do not qualify as work; and mothers, despite having full time jobs, should ensure that every other needs of the child(ren) are being met.  God forbid that she forgets to do one or two items on the inexhaustible parenting list, she is labeled a “bad mother”.

Whatever adult “foolishness” we are accusing each other of, the issue of providing “equally” for these children who fall victim to our “separation” woes is a major one.   How much monetary contribution the mother deserves is a question/topic that many men have bitterly discussed, once the separation takes effect.  For many, the dollar amount is determined based on a number of variables too many to mention, but let me take a jab at a few:

• The level of respect he has for the mother
• What the new woman dictates
• The brain capacity of the man to separate the welfare of the child from the emotional attachment to the mother;
• Affordability
• The level of hate/love he continues to harbor for the mother

My research/observation reveals that many men (in parenting apart situations) who are no longer with the mother of their children are hardly concerned with how much it takes – REALLY takes to care for a child.  It reveals, also, that men are hardly concerned with the work that goes into creating the “final product”, but are concerned mostly about how the child looks when they are being picked up by daddy once in a blue moon (or every other weekend) to go on outings “with the family”.  If clothes, for whatever reason, appear “not up to standard” or the hair not neatly groomed because mommy was too tired, then mommy isn’t a good mother.

Too often than not, the emotions that we feel for each other, good or bad, as parents, are what propel our actions, or the lack thereof, toward our children.  Instead of focusing on how we feel about each other and what went wrong in the “relationship” or whether or not we like each other, it would make sense to rise above that and come together as two people who are working toward the good of the child(ren).  What does it take to sit with your child’s mother/father and pen the exact dollar amount that it takes to raise a child in the way that both parents want the child to be raised? A lot, apparently!!  Apparently, we are not evolved enough as human beings to rise above our “disdain” and focus on the children. Also, it is the fear of many of our men that mommy will take the money to care for herself (do hair, nails; buy shoes, etc.).  God forbid that she should take a “mickle” from your “muckle” to put toward a pair of shoes for herself – the cardinal sin she will have committed.  Whatever the case, this is where a discussion is required to determine what it really takes – what is enough – exactly HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?  Many of the mothers I have spoken with and have observed, myself included, would rather go naked/hungry than to deprive their children of that which is essential.

That being said; the truth is, everything takes money, and the assumption/argument should never be that the “mother should make it “work” – that she should just make do with what you, the father, have decided to “give” her to care for the child you both are responsible for parenting.   Having so many other things to deal with, “making it work” adds another notch to the parenting stress level, especially in light of the fact that she has ALL the other very critical and needed parenting roles that MUST be fulfilled.

I know that there are many women who do not require the “monetary assistance” from the father of the child.  Does this mean, therefore, that the monetary contribution should be minimal or non-existent?  It is very difficult to place a dollar value on all the work that a mother puts into caring for her child(ren), but that should be taken into consideration the next time a man makes the uninformed/unilateral decision on what is enough.

Enough of letting your emotions determine how much you provide.  Enough is enough once you both have had a conversation on what enough is.  A compromise must be made on the dollar amount; if at the end of the much needed discussion it is discovered that what you can truly afford is NOT enough. Let go of the bitterness of the break up and try to behave in a manner that fulfills the needs (ALL OF THEM) of the child.

For all those men who are NOT “guilty” and are fuming from this, there really is no need to fume as I am clearly not referring to those of you who actually care enough to ensure that enough is, in fact, enough.  For those of you who know that you could not care less, and have no interest in whether enough is enough – take heed! I dare you to!

As far as I see it, enough can be enough if you have given all you are truly able to give … where you fall short on the dollar amount, help out with the homework, the child’s laundry, the story-reading, the disciplining, or anything else that falls on the inexhaustible parenting list.  Enough of the adult crap, and let’s focus on what’s enough for our children….

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

@Stacey A Palmer 2012