He is relentless in his attacks. Day after day, month after month, year after year – his “blows” keep coming.
He just does not stop.
But where does she turn? To whom does she report this? Down-trodden, brow-beaten, belittled and disparaged all describe her wounds, so no one takes them seriously. They can’t see them, because they manifest on the insides and affect her sleep, the way she eats, her liver and her heart. And he knows this so he continues….
…..him unaccountable and her unaccounted for!
At least he doesn’t hit you, they say.
At least he provides for the home, they say.
At least he puts gas in the car, they say.
At least he carries your bags, they say.
At least he still “loves” you, they say.
Is she alone in the know? Doesn’t anyone else realize the repercussions of his in-actions?
So she questions herself, and she blames herself for ALLOWING the proverbial beatings to continue. It should be easy for her to cut him off – to leave the space they created together. It should be easy to ward off his attacks – to stop him from the words he spews that no one sees or hears.
“you know he doesn’t really mean it, because his bark is worse than his bite…just ignore him…” They all tell her.
The “It is because he doesn’t respect you…” statement takes the responsibility from him and places it solely unto her.
So are you saying she is deserving? Are you saying he is well within his rights…?
Let us take a few minutes out of our 24-hour day to understand that gender based violence/intimate partner violence (GBV/IPV) is not just about the obvious bruising of a physical beating or rape. It happens in other ways that are not discussed nor accepted, because of the mask it wears. It is an uncomfortable conversation that few are willing to have, so it is often left out of the loud discourse. So here are some real-life perspective-putters to indicate a few ways in which the mask is worn to cover up the GBV/IPV:
- It is the money that is withheld for the child-rearing
If the child is to continue attending school and keeping up appearances then mommy has to keep up appearances too, and keep down her voice. She must keep up her silence and keep her suffering as part of relationship-rearing or else half the usual monthly amount is put on the table halfway into the next month, then nothing for several weeks past the next month end. He is upset about something, so he is done talking and acting now.
- It is the remarks about her to other women who rumour-mill and chastise: Yes, he doesn’t hit you, but to keep your man you must please your man, that’s why he tells others about how boring, etc. (or worse) you are, so you could get your act together and start working on what he wants you to become (in his image and likeness, for him to call you niceness)
- It is the withholding of sex: Withholding sex doesn’t stop there; it is often a pre-cursor to withholding anything next, like withholding his “ok” for you to go out with friends because he doesn’t like that you are finding your voice and talking back.
- It is the public love and private shame: Whenever you meet his friends you can’t “bad talk” him because he is sweet when you’re out together in public and even if you do (yes you tell them the truth about his indoor stain) they won’t believe you. In the house you’re called names, shouted at, given the cold shoulder and scolded in advance before going out to be part of his fake show. Whenever you start to love going out with him and hate coming home with him – you hate to have to come home to him – to the different person he becomes, then you must accept that you’ve been battered and bruised.
- It is the public shame and private love: You may not fit his “ideal” in public. It could be because of your appearance or your lack of social graces (or pretenses). It could be any number of reasons. At home he wants you to satisfy him, so he “loves you” when you do the things he likes in bed.
- It is the belittling: A woman (or man) who internalizes their frequent belittling could suffer debilitating forms of low self-esteem and often is unsure why she/he is always listless and tired.
- It is the false-witnessing: False-witnessing loves blame-taking. When combined, they are often the most emotionally draining and damaging feature of these low blows. The resulting effects is typically a complete break-down. The climb back to better emotional adjustment is very demanding especially if pursued in that same false witnessing – blame-taking environment.
- It is the unpaid bills: He seeks total control of the household, so as children become teenagers and as they become more assertive or less of their usual pliable selves, he will have none of it. You seek to negotiate a little bit of understanding from him on their behalf, but in response he draws another weapon. Two bill cycles and the arrears building up on light, water, internet, and cable, you cannot add those to your share of bills so you retreat, and you tell the children “you know all you father, so he is”, and you allow the “weaponizing” of bills to “cuff” you back to silence.
- It is the gaslighting: This takes many very damaging forms, but if you’re lowly educated then you would often hear “…that you can’t do? Well you get worse…” (even if you have been exceptional at other things – many other things). If you’re well educated then look out, the gaslighting stings – it really stings. “how you cannot understand this simple thing, how many times we went through this? As a matter of fact, if you didn’t misunderstand me – as usual, we would not have been in this situation…like is only book sense you have…it have a book about why educated people do stupid things, that book is about you?”
- It is the lambasting: You’re always criticized – it doesn’t matter about what – you’re criticized. Worse, it’s when the lambasting comes on top of the belittling, false witnessing and game-playing come gas-lighting. If this is not challenged, it becomes a normal part of the relationship, and it will occur anywhere, anytime – public or private. It can be very embarrassing. Be careful. If lambasting increases, and in the opinion of the “lambaster” the “lambastee” getting worse, frustration can build up, and out of the unexpected comes a vicious slap or an intensifying of all of the low blows or hidden blows above.
WARNING! These things are not easy to recover from – man or woman.
All things considered, the next time you are tempted to participate in chastising into silence anyone who suffers the low blows that mask GBV/IPV, understand that the effects are sometimes more sinister and could take a lifetime of recovery efforts. The next time you scoff at her for speaking her truth about the silent pain she suffers through his unaccounted acts of violence, understand that the outcome is often more devastating than meets the eye. Understand that this is not a “downtown thing”, but an everywhere thing.
Understand that GBV/IPV continues to survive in higher places because of the mask it wears!
So, tell your daughters and your sons….
Tell your sisters and brothers….
Tell your aunties and uncles….
Tell your mother and father…..
Tell your co-workers and your friends…
Tell anyone who listens or who are willing to hear….
…that instead of shunning the other manifestations (of GBV/IPV) that have similar devastations… to lift a sister (and brother) up in prayer of hope and healing.
Let us endeavour to help by using our words to heal the wounds that we are often not equipped to see! After all, GBV/IPV is like a nuclear weapon – like a virus – though not seen, it silently disintegrates….
Thanks to Kaydia Allen, BSc, MSc, Mental Health Nurse (UK based) for her insight and expertise.
Thanks to Learrie Barry, MA Development Planning (Grenada based) for providing real life references to substantiate the “GBV mask” indicators, based on his extensive experience of working in the field and at the policy levels.
[1] Gender Based Violence/Intimate Partner Violence
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