While the challenges of the pandemic are mounting, we are forced to dig deep within the recesses of our soul and everything we have been taught in Sabbath/Sunday school about God’s goodness and His grace, in order to get through it all. I know that I cannot be the only parent who has said “I’m over it” at points, because I am also the parent who says “everything happens for a reason…” or “in God’s timing….”. Even though we are not always one way, we MUST ensure that we maintain a positive outlook, for the most part.
Though difficult, it is NOT an impossible feat.
Within this context, I do not know any parent/guardian interested in “parenting right” who has never once said, this is hard. As a parent of an almost 17-year-old, I agree. Parenting is one of the most challenging tasks I have ever undertaken, because it requires every single facet of who I am as an individual – mental, physical, psychological, emotional, financial,, etc. All the ALs you can think of, parenting requires it and does not care if one or all are depleted.
Parenting requires you to dig deep into the reserves you don’t even know you possess.
I literally was minding my other business outside of the parenting scope and happened upon UNICEF’s definition of “positive parenting” (which motivated today’s post) and realized that it is not just a concept to be read and left in the pages of UNICEF’s document. It truly is something that must be deconstructed, ruminated and acted upon. So as UNICEF puts it, positive parenting involves
“educating parents on children’s rights and development to improve parenting practices, with the goal of ending violence, abuse and exploitation of children. Helping parents improve their skills to manage their children’s behaviour. Positive parenting is the foundation of curbing violence at home and in the community. It encourages the engagement of fathers and men and considers the various stages of a child’s life cycle”
Well dang! That was quite a mouthful and is not for the faint of heart. At first glance, you wonder… am I even capable of achieving this.
Within most cultural context, children are often told to be quiet; parents do not encourage arguments, because this is seen as a sign of disrespect. Therefore, when we are speaking to the child about a sensitive and often “disciplinary” matter, we do not require their feedback. Is this always correct? We must consider the rights of children[1].
In order for us to truly improve how we parent, we must be willing to do so. I know, for me, my daughter has complained bitterly bout my PMSing stage, and I have had to check myself and truly correct myself in order to become to her and for her and myself a better version of me right before that menstrual cycle hits.
Pre Menstrual Syndrome (PMS) is no joke.
During this time, it affects how the woman may or may not respond to many things in different facets of life. It is something that can be carefully monitored and corrected, but it takes serious monthly deliberation and concentration. Me. Naah. Aks. Christ. While this PMSing stage is one such example of what can contribute to negativity and how we can improve, there are many other examples that both mother and father can draw upon and work toward positive change for the benefit of child, self and society.
When we teach our children their worth, they learn to value themselves. The sad thing is that this is not the end all be it all to violence and exploitation against children. Children continue be harmed in so many ways by their parents, family friends, and members of society who are supposed to be protecting them. I want to make it clear that the harm is not specific to just physical, but psychological/emotional. Parents continue to inflict emotional and psychological traumas unto their children by virtue of the things we say as well as our actions (or the lack thereof). While children are often said to be resilient, the effects of these unseen traumas are life-altering and damaging and often very hard to correct. As parents, we have that responsibility to check ourselves and correct ourselves.
It is never too late.
The fact that the mother is not mentioned anywhere in the definition suggests that the bulk of the parenting responsibility lies with her – that it is a given. I find that somewhat problematic (but that is for another post). Still, the engagement of fathers is very vital in every child’s life – true – but I often argue that it should not just be the engagement of fathers, but it should be the engagement of a positive father. A father who wants to do right by his child. A father who understands his role in his child’s life and will do that which is necessary to ensure that his positive presence is felt. Children observe. Children ruminate. Children deconstruct. And then they carry with them those key points that they, too, garner. So fathers are also REQUIRED to understand that the nature of their “engagement” is critical to who the child become as adults.
Honestly, it is difficult, because within the deconstruction of this positive parenting definition lies a ton of variables that must be considered in order to get to the crux of achieving that which is required for the various stages of a child’s life cycle, especially in parenting situations that are not ideal. Nevertheless, I am sure even those situations that appear ideal, parents will quickly argue that all that things are not always what they appear to be.
The half has never been told.
Notwithstanding, as parents, we do have that responsibility to help ourselves to improve ourselves so that we can properly raise children who will, in turn, become good citizens, who will be of benefit to society and in turn become “positive parents” too. It is important, however, that within this very great responsibility for us to recognize our weaknesses, discrepancies and blunders throughout the various stages, and learn from them. In other words, we must strive to be better each time. I have had my share of shouting when I shouldn’t have. I have had my share of being quiet, when I needed to have said something. This is something that my daughter hates, and it doesn’t matter that in my mind I am very warranted. Her response to my shouts (and me being too quiet) forces me to be introspective.
The truth is that as parents, guardians, caregivers, we are NOT always positive. While some of us never shout, we have certain bad habits and behaviours that are just as damaging when observed by our children. As parents, we have to learn to be honest with ourselves, but especially our children (throughout this parenting process). An apology followed by corrected actions do wonders to the positive parenting process. We should allow our children to witness our growth, so that we can help them to grow into who they have the potential to be thereby making positive contributions to society when they become adults.
[1] https://www.unicef.org/child-rights-convention/convention-text-childrens-version
PARENTING, ADVOCACY AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN 