I am STILL trying to figure out why the world is so cruel to women. The data presented on the World Health Organization website[1] is frightening and puts into perspective that violence against women is a global crisis, so much so that it is being referred to as “devastatingly pervasive”. The question that begs to be asked is, are we being targeted simply because we are women or is there something else at stake here?
What readily comes to mind is that of rejection, which has always been of interest to me. I often think about its inevitability and our response to it. In more recent times, it has been bothering me as we begin to see an insurmountable rise in the crimes being committed against women. The gruesome nature of these acts are overwhelmingly frightening and one can’t help but wonder why. Not just the obvious why? But those hidden reasons that we do not readily have access to – those that are connected to childhood and how we were raised.
As I pondered, the matter of rejection keeps emerging in the media as one of the main reasons for these gruesome crimes against women. Because of this, I am forced to ask:
- Why have we not successfully reinforced the natural nature of rejection? (As sure as the night will turn to day, is as sure as rejection will happen at some point in our lives).
- So why have we not understood and accepted this?
- Why isn’t rejection normalized?!
- Why have we failed to reinforce this inevitability with our children – with our boys – so that when they become adults they are able to understand its necessity and are consciously able to move on from it without hate and anger, despite how we may feel?
Let us put this concept into proper perspective, before I continue. According to the Oxford dictionary, reject means “to dismiss as inadequate, unacceptable or faulty.” In other words, you are simply not what we are looking for, because you do not have those things that we want, for whatever reason. Understood, but why do we respond so deeply to being rejected? According to Nafeen and Jahan (2019) rejection is a looming threat in everyone’s life; with every attempt at something new or difficult, there is the possibility that one will be rejected.
Aint that the truth?!
I have helped my offspring to navigate a few experiences when she was much younger, where I had to introduce her to what it meant to not be ‘selected”…. I can’t say that after one introduction that she was became fully accepting of and easily maneuvered future rejections, because that didn’t happen. What I noted is that it required constant reinforcement of the idea that being “rejected” is not the end of the world. Now that she is much older, I do see that she is more understanding that rejection will happen, especially as she begins to grow and explore more of the world around her, and where she, too, has had to reject certain people, places, animals and things (LOL).
As adults, it is our responsibility to let our children (boys and girls) know that rejection does not stop the more seasoned we become in our adult life. In fact, adults continue to get rejected way into our adult lives outside of a romantic interest but within a broader context of LIFE … jobs, promotions, loans, friendships, interviews, journal articles, and the list could go on …. In the past two years alone, there were several things that I wanted and “tried out” for that I was not “selected” for, because I didn’t have what was “required” or it simply just was just not meant for me. Admittedly, those moments were disappointing and at times demotivating, but, for me, those feelings were temporal and temporary, and served as my redirection into that which I was better suited. I accepted, and I moved on. Furthermore, it is also important to understand and accept rejection, because there are also benefits to be derived in this space of discomfort. While Harvard Business Review agrees that rejection can be filled with discomfort and pain, they also state that rejection can help us to become better, come up with new ideas or to redirect our path into something else.
The truth of the matter is that there are some rejections that are way more stressful to navigate; those are the ones that we must ensure that we have those uncomfortable conversations about so that we learn how to properly respond to.
Nafeen and Jahan (2019) highlight that rejection is a kind of extreme stress felt in response to a number of factors which can lead to rejection sensitivity, social distancing, exclusion, identify conflict, insecurity and even violence. For some, rejection is such a sensitive issue that many of us have not learned to properly accept and/or navigate. We do ourselves and society a disservice by not teaching ourselves and our offspring/those in our ward how to handle rejection. This should be something that is embedded into the psyche of our children once they are able to understand the concept.
I do understand that for many the matter of rejection is a complex one that may have caused childhood trauma that they have not properly healed from. Therefore, when it happens in adult life, it sends off a trigger that may cause a person to respond in irrational ways. I don’t understand and cannot accept, however, the gruesome manner in which some of our men (and women) have opted to respond to being told “no”.
With this in mind, I wonder…. Should handling rejection be taught throughout formal schooling and practiced in role play for both girls and boys so that our society (those coming up) understand that rejection is as inevitable as it is necessary? I truly believe so. My readings reveal that it as important as it is to teach children to address problematic behaviours within themselves, it is as important for us to help them to overcome rejection and to move on from it. This is something that is not just for school but should be reinforced within homes non-stop, so that it is normalized as part of everyone’s rite of passage.
After all, we reject, and we are rejected throughout our life – a cycle that continues until we die! Literally.
As stated earlier, I do understand the complex nature of rejection. I imgine what it would be like for a child whose parent(s) may have rejected him/her and how devastating that would be in relation to how he/she responds in his/her adult life, especially if the matter is not resolved. But I also imagine that if this is introduced early with tips on how to handle rejection, then it being normalized would be an actual thing.
Rejection, being a prime reason for gruesome crimes being committed against women, is not unique to any one country. This is an epidemic that is occurring the world over. This is a global concern. A study, Macquire University, Australia (2010)[2] posits that “some men, having experienced rejection within their families of origin or in relation to past partners, become sensitive to potential rejection in their current relationships,” which lends itself to what the study asserts to be a “rejection-abuse cycle,” which identifies a pattern of perpetrator behavior, which links rejection, threat to self, defense against threat, and abuse.
A woman leaves a man for someone else. Does she deserve death? Why? What does it profit a man? Literally! He eliminates her body, so she no longer exists, and what is the derived satisfaction?
Or an even more common occurrence…. you see her; you want her, and she tells you no, and you become angry, so you eliminate her for good. Why? What is it about rejection that is too much for you to handle? Then there is the flip side of this. A woman becomes rejected by a man, but she appears unbothered. Guess what… she is also punished for her response, or the lack thereof. Crazy right?! But it does happen.
“She wants you, but you don’t want her” is as NORMAL as “him wanting you, and you having no interest”! I want a job, but the job doesn’t think I am suitable, so they don’t take me. This is also normal and okay. He applied for a loan, but he does not have enough support to indicate his ability to repay, so he does not get loan. This is normal. Your friend, for whatever reason, no longer wants to interact, so you both walk away from the friendship. It happens, and this too is alright!
Not everything that we want will want us, and not everything that wants us is desirable to us (job, partner, friendship, etc). And if you have not been taught to say NO when you are not interested, then that is also something that should be taught (but that is for another blog).
We can all agree that it can be one of the most daunting experiences when you have your heart set on something and you do not get it – were not chosen for it in the end. Sometimes, this is God’s way of preparing us for that which is better for us; we should, therefore, let the feeling of rejection pass through us so that we don’t end up damaging ourselves and others.
I am sure that many will argue that the solution is not as simple as teaching about how to manoeuvre rejection, etc. since the way people respond may have a lot to do with some deep rooted psychological issues (for example, sex, power, gender roles, socialization, etc). We agree earlier that rejection is complex. I still assert that rejection needs to be introduced early into childhood so that it can be normalized.
The bottom line is, we need to properly introduce into our everyday discourse those conversations that seek to explain, etc. the matter of rejection and its inevitability and necessity so that we are lot less aggressive with our responses. This will, I believe, help our children to become men (and women) who seek healthy and helpful alternatives to character and/or physical assassination with the normalized understanding that rejection is inevitable as it is necessary!
[1] https://www.who.int/news/item/09-03-2021-devastatingly-pervasive-1-in-3-women-globally-experience-violence
[2] Brown, J., James, K., & Taylor, A. (2010). Caught in the rejection-abuse cycle: Are we really treating perpetrators of domestic abuse effectively? Journal of Family Therapy, 32(3), 280-307. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6427.2010.00494.x
PARENTING, ADVOCACY AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN 
We live in a world that makes or wants perfection so we don’t show faults or emotions. We are weak society says; therefore, we never confront hurts or disappointments for fear of yes rejection. Glad you say let’s have that conversation with our child(ren). There’s so much to be done. Continue penning.
“What I noted is that it required constant reinforcement of the idea that being “rejected” is not the end of the world.”
It really needs to be said over and over to ourselves.