Are you “her” or “him” hiding in plain sight?!

As the story is told (with my own twist), she left him and moved on to a new relationship and was thriving there.  He didn’t like that, so he hatched a plan for her to come back “home”.  If she didn’t do as he wanted, he had something more sinister in mind.  In his quest to achieve his desire, he quickly learns that she has no interest in being with him, no matter the strength of his argument.  This wounds him deeply, so he decides to cut her, literally, as deep as the proverbial wounds he feels.  He slices her open, and her guts almost falls to the ground.  Luckily, she makes it to the hospital in time, and a miracle is achieved.  Though she could have died, she didn’t.  She is spared to tell her story – one that has been told time and again — decade after decade – country after country – culture after culture.  For those who do not try to cut you with a knife – to kill your body – will cut you with well-told lies meant to defame – to kill your soul!  But the end is not what most expected.  This time, she decides to do what many before her (and many after her) has done.  She will not press charges, and she wants people to leave her to make the choice that suits her, which she deems should be up to her.  But life isn’t as simple, not in this case.

Of course, this became the talk of the town (Instagram and twitter).  So, I read and listened quite curiously to the opinion of those who chimed in.  For the most part, everyone thought that this young woman was a complete arse, an uneducated fool, a “kunumunu”, a “mukut”, “a Yam head”, a “man-fool” etc. for “allowing” a man to do this to her and then to turn around and defend him (she didn’t want to press charges, allegedly).   While I do agree that anyone who does this to any person should be punished, as the law of the land dictates, I couldn’t help but wonder, as people, mostly women, could be seen (and heard) calling her things like a “decrepit”, the “scum of the earth”, etc.  This struck a chord with me. 

Often, we conclude that with such a gruesome attack (to physically or emotionally kill) that a person (victim) would walk away – leave the “offenders” and heal enough to live one’s life to one’s fullest potential.  This, unfortunately, is not often the case.  Most people do NOT leave after being physically or emotionally battered on the first, or second or third or even the tenth “battering” — despite its gravity.  People stay.   The interesting thing is that many like to justify their “stay” on the premise that their abuse (relationship experiences) is dressed more beautifully than the other person’s.

But why does s/he stay?

The matter of staying in abusive relationships is a very complex one.  Domestic violence researchers have actually written much, but mostly from the perspective of women who stay.   Regardless, they all agree on one thing:  The reason for people staying is complicated.  Whiting (2016)[1] states that the challenges that domestic violence victims face are unique.  Many of these challenges are attached to a person’s own view of what “love” (and abuse) constitutes and what they have normalized within that relationship space.

In my own experiences, those of others I know of or have heard about, the many experts I have read or listened to, no one has been able to fully comprehend the complexities of relationship and why people operate the way they do when they become romantically involved, yet alone one that which is abusive.   For even those who have written beautifully on, discussed about, shared with, have themselves been a part of the group of many, men and women, who continue to stay in situations that are damaging (physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, etc).

Why though?

Aside from my own observations, this is what the experts have confirmed as some reasons (in a nutshell), all of which are very layered and not sufficiently captured herein:

Shame:  victims tend to be embarrassed to admit that their marriage/relationship has failed for many reasons, especially if this person was first presented as the “best thing ever”.  They sometimes do not want anyone to know that they are like the “others”, so they cover up and make excuses in situations where they shouldn’t.  The truth is that the “shame” argument is also a very complex one attached to several variables that often remain hidden.

Trauma and low confidence are linked, especially in relationships where there is a combination of abuse types.  According to Whiting (2016), perpetrators harass and accuse victims, which wears them down and causes despair and guilt.  By the time they have gone through the rigours of the abuse cycle, they are so worn and confidence-robbed, that leaving appears impossible, especially when they believe that no one else would like them or want to be with them….

Practical reasons:  a person may decide to stay for reasons associated with ties to the home, finances, or just simply related to the children or resources invested into the home/other assets[2].  Other practical reasons could be attached to financial needs or other personal reasons related to security.

Normalizing abuse:  many have accepted and given excuses for unhealthy behaviours in relationships, thereby making it difficult to accept that they are actually being abused and invariably leave[3].

Fear:  For some, leaving can also be very difficult, especially when there is physical abuse:  if a person tries to leave, they know that there is a very high chance that they would be harmed, so out of fear they remain.  Aside from the obvious fear of physical harm, there are also other “stay-reasons” attached to fear; for example, fear of being alone, fear of chastisement, fear of the smear-campaign that often follows when a victim leaves an abuser, fear of loss, etc.

The abuse cycle can be intense and addictive:  Some people remain in situations they shouldn’t be, because the love-bombing and hoovering stages after the abuse feels good.  In these moments, the abused is reminded or are given a glimpse on what it feels like to be “loved”.  When this happens a number of times, it becomes addictive despite the levels of abuse they may have experienced outside of “make up”.

Good sex:  both men and women have been known to remain in situations that should have ended because of what they experience in the bedroom.  For some, great sex trumps everything else.  Many will not admit this, but once sexual needs are being satiated, they will ignore all else or suffer through the turmoil. 

As complex as the reasons for staying are, is as complex as people fashion themselves better than the next person whose abuse is clothed more beautifully than another person’s.  Here are a few scenarios to consider:

You are in a situation where your partner is a serial cheater who has multiple partners outside of your “commitment”.  He/She brings home an STI or two, some curable, others, not so much.  You develop depression and other stress—related illnesses because of your situation; yet, you stay.  In your mind, you are “better” than this young woman.  Her abuse is more public and gruesome, so it gives you the right to publicly shame her and chastise her choice. 

Or

Your partner doesn’t cheat, but the narcissistic abuse within the relationship is so toxic and damaging, you feel as if you are literally losing your mind.  So much so, you are having suicidal ideations, but you remain silent.  Your organs are responding to this, and you are getting sick.  No one knows the internal hell you are enduring, because it is beautifully masked under luxury cars, the well-manicured lawns and the many Degrees, etc.

Or…

Like her, you are being physically beaten, but you tell yourself that it is because he was having a bad day.  Your Church tells you that divorce is a sin, so you stay.  You and your husband/wife pray about it, and all is forgiven… until…. He does it again… and the process of staying is repeated…

As much as we like to divorce ourselves from certain situations and fashion ourselves “better” than another person, let alone this young woman who was literally gutted, I doubt there could be any contesting my assertion that people – both men and women – don’t always leave at the first red flag/offense, regardless of the magnitude.  In fact, a person who leaves at the first sign of trouble is an exception.  My readings indicate that many people in abusive situations do not seek help until years after the abuse begins.   “On average high-risk victims live with domestic abuse for 2.3 years and medium risk victims for 3 years before getting help.”[4] Plus, there are those who leave and return…  For many, leaving happens after an endurance period.  The question that begs to be asked is what is the period that renders you “better” or which abuse situation is “excusable?”

Whatever the reasons and however your own relationship situation is presented, when you get right down to it….

…at the end of the day, many of us stay until we leave.  So, there is that!   

While some of us can readily articulate our why, there are more who simply cannot, because the matter is too complex to put into words. 

I guess there are many human “fools”/ “arse”/ “yam-head”  walking around; it’s just that some of us (men AND women) are fools, etc. hidden in plain sight.

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[1] https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3672&context=facpub

[2] https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/women-leave/

[3] https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/why_leaving_abuse_is_hard/

[4] SafeLives (2015), Insights Idva National Dataset 2013-14. Bristol: SafeLives