My last two posts have inadvertently been about operating in love in one way or another, and today I feel compelled to extend the conversation, but from a slightly different perspective. Interestingly, “love” has also been the topic of discussion from several perspectives in at least six conversations with six different persons – all unrelated. Additionally, I have seen so many memes and quotes about encouraging people to stop loving those they have either broken up with or stopped being friends with. Over the years, I have also encountered persons who have, in fact (or in pretend), openly expressed hate for ex-friends and/or ex-lovers, etc. In this same vein, I recently happened upon the following quote on Instagram that had thousands of “likes”, and I thought, here we go again.
“you don’t know pain until you have to force your heart to stop loving somebody”.
But why should this be the go-to alternative though? To stop loving someone…. Sounds to me that maybe we should stop ASSOCIATING the LOVE we feel with what we THINK we should do….
As far as I know it, the opposite of love is hate. When you force yourself to stop loving someone, does that mean that you are now teaching yourself to hate them or are you indifferent toward them….?
And why should that be necessary anyway?
It appears that somewhere along the lines, many of us have blundered in learning and teaching how and when to let go and therefore confused about what to do once we have let go or have been let go. Not only have we blundered, but we continue to perpetuate and romanticize the “hate narrative” to validate the end of a relationship.
Silly human beings we are!
Evidently, the end of “time spent” is not an automatic signal of/to hate – or at least it shouldn’t be. As I stand by this assertion, it is not difficult to imagine that there are many of us in these streets performing something that that we may not necessarily feel. Either that or we have not learned (directly or indirectly) the healthy way to operate when we still feel love for the person from whom we have permanently walked away or for those who have walked away from us. As a matter of fact, to still love the person whom has wronged us or whom we have wronged without having an interest of re-engaging like “normal” is very freeing, light, and Christ-like; this, I know, is NOTHING to be ashamed of. As I imagine it, hate is heavy! While I have never hated anyone, I have been the recipient of hate – raw and undiluted – (or the performance of it), so I cannot imagine walking around with that level of negative intensity toward anyone.
I don’t remember who said this (Iyanla or Oprah), but I am just gonna rest this right here, only because it seems fitting (so process it however you see fit – within context)….
…..“you can’t hate someone that strongly unless you have once loved them”
Relationships (friendships, marriages, etc.) are as important as they can be great when they are, but when the end comes things tend to become sour, and we have been taught that with that souring there should be an accompanying hate. We have also been taught that we should wait on hate/disdain to be present to walk away. Nothing could be farther from the truth; thus, it is within this thought process that the unlearning has to occur. Loving someone has nothing to do with staying, the same way we should not wait for hate to walk away. It makes no sense to pretend that you hate someone in order validate that you are done. What good will that do?
Do not be ashamed of love.
We need to seriously normalize the admission of love instead of propagating the hate narrative. For more reasons than one (some more obvious than the next), it makes sense for those actors and/evils among us to unlearn that “hate narrative,” so that we are not forced to perform it when we leave or when we are left. It is perfectly fine to walk away from that which is bad even when we feel love. This is applicable in every situation that requires it – work, friendship, lovers, etc. It is way better to heal in love than to navigate and/or perform hate and then attempt to heal yourself in that negative space (naah go happen); I imagine this to be an unnecessary inconvenience and an exhausting uphill bother.
Ain’t nobody got time for dat!
Obviously, boundaries are necessary in every aspect of life. Thus, I understand why some find it important to send a clear message once a situation has “ended,” i.e. to indicate “hate” as a demonstration of boundaries – even if it is only to maintain a façade. One source points out that when people declare their dislike for others, it helps another to understand the boundaries between social circles. The source further asserts that this is a powerful motivator for people to form bonds[1]. In other words, if I show my disdain for one, the other may believe my loyalty to them. I get that (I expounded on this in a blog a while back). But how exhausting.
At the end of the day, we are all struggling with something in this very crazy epicenter. Love shouldn’t be one of those struggles. Love who you love, because love, as defined, is a beautiful thing and nothing to be ashamed of, even with the complexities we have been told that it comes with. I end, however, by stating that it is not the love that is complex, it is what we have been taught to do with it and how to respond to it that makes it complex. UNLEARN THAT! Bottom line, be honest with yourself about love and who you love, but be the first to skedaddle if you must (IN LOVE).
Blessings!
PARENTING, ADVOCACY AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN 
“Loving someone has nothing to do with staying, the same way we should not wait for hate to walk away”….. a real eye opener here! Thanks Stacey.