“Do you respect me?” he asked.
“Am I respectful to you”? she asked respectfully?
“It is not about whether you are respectful or not. I just know you do not respect me, and that’s the problem I have with you”, he pontificated.
She pondered her retort. “Within this context, why should it matter if I respect you if I am operating respectfully? How I feel is my business, and I should NOT be required to share that with you. I am respectful, and that is all that should matter.”
_______________
Should it though? Is that really all that should matter? Should we care if we are actually respected if a person is respectful toward us?
Well, lemme chime in on this respect debate.
I can’t tell how many times I have observed people arguing about whether or not someone respects them and the anger or strong emotion they expressed at the thought that they may not be. In this respect debate, I find it curious how completely enthralled we become in whether or not we are respected by others (even those we do not respect) that we do not even stop to think:
- Why is it so important to us to be respected by all?
- Will everyone we encounter/interact with/know respect us?
- Should we care that everyone doesn’t respect us?
- Do we truly even want the respect of everyone?
- Is it a realistic expectation that everyone we meet will respect us?
There isn’t a shortage of respect quotes – some of which are instructive while others are simply words on paper that do not carry much weight. I will, however, borrow two (sources unknown), which will serve as the backdrop for this piece, somewhat.
- “You cannot force someone to respect you, but you can refuse to be disrespected.”
- “respect is earned”
The Oxford Dictionary defines “Respect” as a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.” Though conceptualized decades ago, Hoban (1977) asserts that respect is conceived as “an openness to others, esteem for others because of their human decency and degree of excellence of their performance[1]” (p.232). Notably, both definitions provide insight into the premise on which the complexity of the respect debate lies, because I am getting from both that respect hinges on the respecter and not so much on he/she who wishes to be respected. Essentially, only I alone can determine what value I place on what you deem your “qualities, abilities or achievements” to be. When picked apart, the definitions speak for themselves. One uses the phrase “elicited by…,” while the other highlights a link between another person’s action and the recipient’s response to that action, i.e. “…esteem for others because….” Key word: “because”. In my mind’s eyes, when you are respectful toward someone, this is more about the standards you have set for yourself – standards that may dictate that regardless of who a person is and how you feel about them, you will treat that person with the dignity that a human being deserves, no matter your true feelings toward that person. The problem with this is that there IS going to be someone who believes that your respect-expression does not reconcile with their respect-expectation. In any event, the way I see it, to respect is subjective and very personal and tied to a person’s value system and thereby a personal choice; whereas, being respectful is a performance that can be given to anyone regardless of their value system and perceived behaviours and is more a reflection of you than it is on the person you are being respectful toward.
Clearly, you can be respectFUL without respectING?
To further deconstruct this respect debate, it follows that I should attempt to respond to the five questions asked earlier:
Why is it so important to us to be respected by all?
To some, to be respected serves as a validator of self. Others crave respect, because it provides a “regular acknowledgement” which adds to their identity and social status, thereby adding to a sense of belonging[2]. From my perspective, many of us are more focused on being liked by everyone that when total acceptance is not meted out, this is translated as disrespect. Therefore, it is hard to function in that space of feeling disrespected if it isn’t so.
Will everyone respect us?
My discussion, thus far, answers this, so I guess this is an obvious one. ABSOLUTELY NOT. The truth is, we will never be respected by everyone nor should have that desire. I know this is an extreme scenario (but not farfetched), but why would it be so crucial to anyone to be respected by a predator, a white-collar criminal or liar.
Should we care that everyone doesn’t respect us?
No, we shouldn’t. Value systems are not created equal. Plus, we do not have access to people’s private thoughts, so we shouldn’t be too caught up on the validation of man, but rather on how we treat a person, regardless and how we are treated. It shouldn’t matter who it is; in fact, we should let the respect we have for ourselves guide how we respond to another person, ideally; but we do not live in an ideal world, evidently. Further, the way we show AND give respect will differ. Some people expect to be revered, while others expect to be catered to. Fundamentally, the standard of respect that we get should be incumbent on basic human rights and decency.
Do we truly even want the respect of everyone?
It doesn’t matter if our answer to this one is yes, because realistically, we will NEVER have the respect of everyone, nor will everyone be respectful toward us, even those who claim to respect us… and get this, we don’t even respect everyone we meet – so there’s that.
Is it a realistic expectation that everyone you meet will respect you?
The hope is that the people we meet and interact with for a short or extended period will be civil and not infringe on our personal space and rights – that they will be respectful. Despite this hope, we should understand that the expectation that everyone will respect us or show us respect is an unrealistic one, regardless of our achievement, performance or abilities. With this basic understanding, I believe that the respect debate won’t cause so many of us to get our panties in a bunch or cause us to have sleepless nights worrying about who respects us and who doesn’t.
So what then?
Ultimately, the question that begs to be asked is, should we be concerned about how a person truly feels about us or should we be more concerned about how we are treated and how we treat others?
Ponder on this, or don’t….
At the end of the day, let us simply endeavour to be respectFUL, because half of the time how we feel about someone (or how they feel about us) is just that – a feeling and not a fact! Bottom line, being respectful doesn’t require for you to actually have respect…; it requires for you to show it – to perform basic human decency toward another. Essentially, the performance of respect is not a guarantee of what is… furthermore, we do not have access to people’s private thoughts, even those with whom we are very “close”, so we will never truly know.
[1] Hoban, C. (1977). Educational technology and human values. Educational Technology Research and Development, 25(3), 221–242.
PARENTING, ADVOCACY AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN 
Really like this piece Miss Palmer. It is instructive and so it forces me to be thinking about Respect long after reading. It calls for my assessment of whether or not I have been respectful for the mere fact that God’s creation deserves that decent interaction or am I “showing respect” because I want to be respected?.