SHAME, ON YOU!

One of the most devastating things that can happen to anyone is to be in a space (public or private) where shame is used by someone to inflict punishment. When public (or even private) shame is observed as a common theme in any relationship, it is often a solid indicator that it is time to skedaddle.  But that is not often the immediate response, especially when love is present (by the shamed), and in instances when the shame act is subtle and by someone from whom it is least expected.  One of my most hurtful adult experiences was when a close friend publicly humiliated me in her home.  For someone like me who does not like going into people’s personal space, this was traumatic.  Needless to say, I was so ashamed, I could only cry in the moment and have only spoken about that particular shaming to one confidante (RIP) over a decade ago. To make matters worse, despite this person’s follow up “love presentation”, we have never had a discussion about THAT shaming.   

Having witnessed the ways in which shame (through humiliation) is used as a hurt-tactic by “well-thinking” professionals and having undergone and overcome a series of “shame” attempts and events, I now understand its effects and why people do this. Still, “I shame you see!”  is a sentiment used by many, in jest, when describing an event – public or private – that brings a disruption to ones self-worth and makes us question who we are within context of the incident that brought us the shame.  This response is often a protection mechanism designed to minimize and compartmentalize the true effects of shame.

According to Oxford online dictionary, “shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour.”  Obviously, this wrong or foolish behaviour can be of our own doing and/or by someone else, but often brought about as a result of what has been done to us.

Since many of us will only openly admit shame in jest, hardly are we willing to openly discuss the silencing nature of shame and the ways in which it is used as a weapon to:

• assert positionality
• silence others,
• keep someone in their place
• isolate/alienate others
• chip away at a person’s self-worth.
• inflict emotional and psychological harm. 

Even though we publicly undermine the potency of shame to protect ourselves, those who commit acts against others to deliberately cause shame, understand its effects.  The American Psychological Association agrees that shame, not to be confused with guilt, has a myriad of emotional and psychological negative effects that ranges from a “withdrawal from social intercourse” to “retaliative anger.”  It is not hard to imagine that anger will occur as a defense against the shame that results from an attack[1]. When shame happens as a direct result of someone’s deliberate intentions, we want to curl up in a ball and hide, lash out, or immediately protect ourselves. From my perspective, our response is incumbent on several things to include who, what, where and when, simply. Notwithstanding, if we understand the posture and deliberation behind the shame-attempt, there is a chance that we will be able to respond more positively (internally and externally), thereby minimizing its effects and disarming the “shamer.”

Shame as a weapon

The people (shamers) who are adamant about and rely on the damage of shame, understand its effects at varying degrees.  These are sometimes those who may want to physically harm you but won’t or can’t for several reasons. Based on the position they occupy, they may not be able to survive the inconvenience of having to answer to a legal system, so the next best alternative is to inflict pain through strategic acts of humiliation that cause shame.  The truth is, those who understand the damaging effects of shame are more likely to be strategic at their attempts and will utilize everything and anything in their environment to ensure that the “shame message” is effectively received by the intended victim and by those who are supposed to witness the shaming (since shaming often relies on an audience).  But this very potent weapon has been around for ages; shame, for a long time, has been the weapon of choice for many, and the extent to which they shame and humiliate you is usually connected to the amount of hurt, disdain, desire, or anger they may feel toward you.  The curious and surprising thing about shame is that you never know when the feeling will occur as it is often brought on by something internal or triggered by the acts of those with the understanding of what it will take to cause you shame – typically someone who is close to you.  But it doesn’t always occur with immediacy.  If you are a compartmentalizer, like me, your response may be delayed.

As I navigate my own shaming, I was recently discussing with a friend that the “keep your head up” posture in the midst of shame is not always a flat-affect indicator nor is it always a real expression of unshakeable self-esteem; these acts are often performances to get you through the public effects or to minimize public scrutiny of your handling of the shame and its effects on you (keep in mind that shamers more often than not rely on an audience/their environment for the shaming to be effective). After all, we all experience different feelings about ourselves situationally. Understandably, those who have experienced shame learn how to publicly navigate the feeling whether internally or externally.  In my quest to keep my effect internal or relegated to a “safe space”, I, in happenstance, discovered that confidence is a skill that we can all learn.  This confidence performance does not, however, minimize how we feel internally.  It simply serves as a buffer for public scrutiny, since the confidence appearance often masks the shame-effects to onlookers (usually a part of the shaming process).  While I agree that we can use this skill to minimize the physical manifestation of shame, it is a more complex and nuanced undertaking to eliminate its internal effects.

Shame, who?

Psychologists assert that shame is a natural part of the human experience.  Therefore, those who use shame as a weapon understand the effects of shame and/or are typically closely connected to you and therefore know what will trigger the feeling or what acts of humiliation will bring about the desired outcome. But shame is not only caused by the external; shame comes from within.  Shame is often hinged on regrets as well as those expectations you have of yourself and others.  For example, one of the most difficult things for a person to admit is that the people you choose to have in your life do not necessarily want you there….  It is difficult to admit that the people you love see you as beneath them and only need you to fulfil a certain role beneficial to them.  The recognition of that can bring about internal/private shame. 

It is important that we understand that shame can come from perception (internal) as much as it can be brought on by reality, and intention (external).  But these are not mutually exclusive since the ways in which perception and intention intersect is incumbent on access.  In other words, those who have access to your perception of self, pain, life, etc. can use that access to intentionally inflict a trigger that causes shame.

Manoeuvring Shame

To manoeuvre shame, as debilitating and as negative as the feeling is, one must first accept that shame is a natural part of the human experience, especially since it is connected to how we view ourselves as well as how others view us.  Rosko (2020) makes the point that shame is impossible to avoid as much as it is invaluable to growth.  This author asserts that shame is an excellent teacher that serves as a useful gauge that lets us know where we fall in the ambits of society and that lets us know when “we fall short of our own values as well as others’ expectations….and tells us who we are and who we expect ourselves to be.”  This excerpt, when unpacked, indicates a few things; one such, is that shame highlights who we are (fundamentally) as well as who they are NOT to us. 

When we carry shame (allow it to linger), it shows up in different ways, and “The Body Keeps the Score”.  Shame affects:

• Our brain
• Our face (we look old and haggard; we barely smile).
• Our bodies (When we are depressed/sad from shame, we barely move/exercise; or we may eat more or less than we usually do). 
• Our posture – the way we walk/talk, etc.
• Our self-esteem/mindset
• Our capability/capacity.

A smart person somewhere on social media said “shame works if you let it,” and they are right! Therefore, regardless of the source of the shame one feels, we can navigate shame in the following inexhaustive ways (in no particular order):

• Examine and understand why you feel shame (this requires honest introspection)
• Keep your affect to a “safe space.”
• understand the intention behind each shame attempt and combat that with the Word of God.
• Accept that the feeling does not have to linger (you actually have control over how you respond to shame).
• Acknowledge the shame and release it.
• Learn how to compartmentalize so you know, where, how, and when to physically respond.
• Articulate (verbally to self) the shame you feel; do not pretend it away.
• Heal your shame trauma and triggers through a mental health professional.

Those who use shame as a weapon are often very strategic at their shame-attempts to destroy you and will not stop until they see or feel that you are mentally decapitated.  I assert that “shamers” have, themselves, been shamed and are most likely walking around with shame, etc. The key to managing shame is to acknowledge the feeling, as well as the attempts, etc. and learn how to get through that feeling without letting it follow you around and keep you into the gutter.  Ultimately, to buffer shame, you must believe that you are ENOUGH and operate in God’s Grace!

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[1] https://www.jstor.org/stable/2786667?origin=crossref