“Surviving Self-Awareness” IS A Thing!

As far as I was concerned, I was taking a long sabbatical from writing poetry and was gonna be completely focused on different types of continuous prose.  However, poetry decided that it wasn’t done with me, and in the midst of my departure, poetry instructed me to engage, by sometimes literally waking me in the middle of the night with pieces that wouldn’t allow me to go back to sleep until I gave birth to them.  The outcome of this is The Broken Repair, my newest publication.  This book of poetry was inspired by pain and overcoming it:  the pain of rejection, the pain of betrayal, the pain of isolation, the pain of shame, and the pain of self-awareness.  In my lukewarm quest to promote the book (because certain types of engagement is still a challenge for me), I mentioned the core features highlighted just now.  Someone who saw “surviving self-awareness”, curiously said, “surviving self-awareness?!”  And I quickly responded “Yes.”

As I attempted to explain the concept, I could tell that they were not necessarily buying into the idea that we can or even need to survive self-awareness.  Surely, self-awareness is not something that anyone would necessarily say that they “survive”, right?  I beg to differ.

A few blog posts ago, I discussed self-awareness as an important aspect of life along with the necessity of operating in the awareness once we discovered same.  This blog asserted that self-awareness is an uncomfortable act because it requires honesty (read more here).  As I continued to experience life first-hand and through the vantage point of others (close friends, family, the general global community via the media, etc.), I realize that anyone interested in exploring their role in how their lives (or a situation) have turned out, good or bad (according to their own definition or according to the standards of righteousness that God has called us to be), it is inevitable that we must look within and honestly confront ourselves for the role we have played, one way or another.  Without repeating my self-awareness blog post of months ago, I have observed, in myself and others, that coming to a point of awareness and operating in that awareness is not something that many are willing or prepared to do, because many of us do not possess the capacity, care, or understanding of how to do that.  Furthermore, when we become aware of self, there are only a few things we can do:

• Fix ourselves and operate like new
• Operate in the awareness of the confirmation of who we have always been
• Acknowledge the awareness but continue in our comfort because the worldly benefits to be derived are more attractive.

Hence, my assertion that “surviving self-awareness” is an actual thing that takes some deliberate and intentional work, once you are serious about doing it right.

Let’s use myself, in parts, as the subject of this explanation.  A lot has happened in my life in the last two decades, or so, that have caused me grief and several things have happened that have brought me happiness.  As far as I am concerned, the difference between a lot and several is significant.  It almost feels like the bad has outweighed the good.  But that’s what bad does:  it feels heavy and likes to cloud the good things in our lives, even when they are not as many – making it feel like it is more significant than the good.  Be that as it may, I like to introspect.  I like to ask myself what my role was in a particular thing.  Even though I like accountability and am honest about recognizing my role, I do not always operate in that awareness. When I started, however, to introspect in Christ, it was a different kettle of fish. I started to look at myself through His lens – i.e. through His words – The Commandments – The Fruit of the Spirit – what He deems Righteousness and Unrighteousness to be, and let me tell you something, it has not been pretty (all this with the understanding that NO ONE IS PERFECT).  Before coming to this renewal – self-awareness hinged on the Lord God Almighty – it was easy to accept what I deemed my flaws to be, what I allow, etc. and move on from that acceptance to being accountable.  Now, it is way different because I am guided by something greater than myself that forces me into a new dispensation of self-examination.  This reconnection has also allowed me to see more clearly those people in my life that have caused me immense pain and sometimes the reason for it, but more importantly that which I am responsible for/what I have allowed, etc.  With this, I have seen how I have caused myself grief, and I also see the grief I have caused.  But how do I survive this different type of clarity about myself and the people around me?  What do I do now that I see me – through Him – flaws and all?

• I examine myself
• I accept myself
• I change myself
• I pray for myself
• I pray for others
• I honor myself
• I forgive myself
• I forgive others
• I accept responsibility
• I hold myself accountable
• I seek forgiveness
• I accept the season of isolation
• I shun shame
• I shun evil
• I love myself
• I love others
• I give myself grace

As simple as it looks in black and white, none of it is easy.  When we examine ourselves in Christ, we are called to a different level of honesty or even exposure, because we cannot hide none of who we are, at our core, from Him.  We must rely on the presence of the Holy Spirit to guide us, and when that happens, it is going to be raw, and uncomfortable, and painful, and lonely.  And this is not just for those parts of us that are “bad”.  When the Holy Spirit highlights the good in us and shows us how we have been trampled, it is just as painful as being shown how our bad ways have affected others.  Sometimes, the highlight triggers our old pains.  But this is what must happen for us to move forward and come to our renewal in HIM; ultimately, all of it is worth it. Therefore, we must be willing to survive this process of self-awareness, for it is just that – a process – which is happening with the understanding that despite our greatest efforts, we are all imperfect beings.  Guess what though? Not many of us are prepared to do this.  When we start looking at ourselves through the lens of God, there are many questions or statements that we will ask/make, for example:

• I was wrong for doing that
• I should not have done that
• That was not Christ-like
• Forgive me, Lord
• Change me, Lord
• Fix/heal me, Lord.
• I am ashamed of myself.
• They have shamed me.
• I have shamed myself.
• How do I navigate isolation?
• How do I navigate the shame I feel?

All of this requires us, in totality, to do the work, and that is where it gets complex.  No one wants to admit that they were wrong, especially if they have to do it by making the admission to the person they have wronged, OR we do not want to admit that we idolized the people in our lives and that’s why God allowed the betrayal or the shaming, etc.  We do not want to admit that we harbored ill-feelings.  We do not want to admit that we were prideful, even if we are making the admissions only to ourselves.  The truth is that many of us (despite our capacity to readily quote scriptures) know that we are walking around with certain spirits that we need to rid ourselves of but we are not willing to do the work or are more set on the temporal benefits to be derived from those destructive spirits, for example:

• The spirit of greed
• The spirit of gossip
• The spirit of hate
• The spirit of jealousy
• The spirit of pride
• The spirit of sexual deviance/immorality/lust
• The spirit of fornication
• The spirit of discord
• The spirit of anger
• The spirit of gluttony
• The spirit of idolatry
• The spirit of fear
• The spirit of unfairness

The admission is only part of the work.  What do we do once we have seen these things in ourselves and are desirous of change?  We must, then, learn how to walk in the change that God is making in our lives, which will often mean a number of things (not exhausted here):

• We lose the people we wanted in our lives
• People will begin to chastise us for “changing”
• People will use our awareness against us
• We may even become transparent (too transparent)
• We may no longer have pain as our crutch (this is something I will discuss another time)
• We may even enter into a period of isolation and alienation.

To those who may never accept “surviving self-awareness” as a thing, I say try introspecting, self-reflecting and moving toward fundamental change in Christ and then tell me what has happened.  Let me know how easy it was for you to adjust your walk and operate in the newness of asking for forgiveness and forgiving those who hurt you, and loving those who hate you.  Let me know what has happened once you became exposed to you and you have decided to fix/heal yourself and be an improved version of yourself in HIM.  Let me know how easy it was for you to deactivate your hate toward a person who hurt you, etc. Also, PLEASE let me know if you are TRULY loving yourself through it all. Regardless of what anyone says, I still say, none of it is easy, but all of it is worth it.  “Surviving self-awareness” is what you must do to escape the old you and get to the other side of who you are called to be, in Christ.

Whether you agree or not, please grab yourself a copy of The Broken Repair (volume 1).  The book is a presentation of poems about those things that cause us pain and our attempts at confronting, surviving, and healing ourselves.

Blessings!