Beautified Abuse

Good for you if you have never offended anyone or if anyone has never offended you.  Clearly, you are living under a rock.  Obviously, we are all going to offend/hurt each other (in great or small ways) at some point in our interactions with each other – friends, family, coworkers, strangers-in-passing, etc.  Once we coexist at home, in the workplace ecosystem, church, etc., it is bound to happen.  The issue is that some of us do not have the interest in letting bygones be bygones; we possess, instead, the capacity and desire to punish – to let the offender pay – until we think we are satisfied with the sanction we have inflicted.   And many, because of the position we occupy in the different systems we occupy, find very creative and clever ways in which to do so.   Therefore, woe unto that man or woman who has stepped out of line and offended he/she whose messianic ways do not allow for the offence to go unpunished – those who refuse to let forgiveness be the order of the day.

Every year, across the globe, there are several days out of the year that are recognized as days against something abuse-related and are therefore dedicated to raising awareness and establishing strategies geared toward ending a particular abuse type.  For example, Violence against Women Day in November; Human Rights Day in December; World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse also in November, Males Victims of Domestic Abuse Day, and the list goes on.   Unfortunately, victims of certain silent abuse tactics do not have the space to end the abuse, or for it to even be acknowledged as such.

The thing about punishers whose ill-intention and ill-actions go unnoticed is that they operate in the awareness of the obvious abuse patterns and therefore avoid those.  They, instead, beautify their punishment/abuse, so it goes unnoticed or unchecked.  They recognize that certain actions often are too violent and understand that there are worst things than death, so they thrive in that space.  For example, imagine hearing someone on the job say of someone who offended them, “I can make their life a living hell” and then watch them do that, unchecked, and for an extended period.  Those who understand that there are, in fact, worse things than death, thrive in the space of utilizing access to systems and spaces that will support certain actions for which they are not held accountable and/or are allowed to continue.  Guess why? The idea that everything can be beautified makes it easier for certain abuse to occur without being detected.  Cambridge online dictionary defines beautification as “the process of improving the appearance of someone or something.”  In other words, though abuse is obviously bad and ugly, it can be beautified based on the who, when and how.

There are people who understand the position they occupy, especially within a hierarchical system, and are intentional about how they go about using those systems to assist in the beautification of their abuse.  Even without the obvious hierarchical systems in certain informal groups, there are systems that guide those who are at the helm and who have certain influences (at home, on the job, at church, etc), and the people who are a part of this understand and remain silent in observance of certain subtle, but dreadful and damaging abuse-patterns, for more reasons than one.  The beauty in this, for those who insist that offenders experience “worst things than death,” is how easy it is for them to utilize everything about their influence to let offenders feel this.  This beautification tactic may occur in multiple ways, but some of those most used are as follows:

  • Publicly highlighting someone else’s contribution and ignoring yours
  • Acknowledging everyone else in a respectfully chirpy way but barely acknowledging you or ignoring you altogether.
  • Publicly giving everyone a well-thought-out gift, but yours looks like it was grabbed-on-the-go.
  • Issuing of a back-handed compliment
  • Providing access for everyone else (but you) to have that “thing” they know you have always wanted.
  • Warning everyone in the group of imminent danger but ensuring that you are not told.
  • Cleaning up after everyone else but ignoring your “mess”.
  • Making a big hullabaloo over something minor you did, while giving allowance to everyone else for making mistakes.
  • Always criticizing you/your work (openly or privately).
  • Deliberately planning events where you are never invited or where they know you would be uncomfortable attending.
  • Intentionally withholding key information from you
  •  Deliberately doing things that they know (but others may not realize) will get a rise out of you.

Much of this inexhaustive list is hinged on the ways in which the abuser’s/punisher’s space responds to them.  In other words, who they are in the space and the power they yield.  What better way to ensure that you feel their wrath than to be “kind” to everyone else and not you.  That way they have discreetly engaged the masses to see them as better and you as deserving of whatever it is that they are doing to you.  Though it may be obvious that you are being treated differently, it might be viewed as justified within the context of their general “kindness” to everyone else. 

But they know what they are doing.  And you know what they are doing.  And they know that you know what they are doing, which is why they have taken great measures to beautify their abuse.  But they are not the only ones who can be strategic.  Even the abused can find a way to see the beauty in the abuse and heal from it.  That oxymoronic statement (beauty in the abuse), in and of itself, feels abusive, but ruminate on the following points to see if this method to the madness is making some sense:

  • Knowing is half the battle:  Understand that the beauty in recognizing that abuser and their abuse tactics is that you understand you will overcome and are better able to navigate once you know what is happening.  Typically, once we are aware, our responses can be measured and intentional, so can our healing process.
  • Though the background and pains of the punisher is not your concern, generally, the beauty is understanding that abusers are typically people who have deep-rooted challenges, insecurities, and traumas that they are yet to address.  This knowledge may help you to better balance/manage your response, especially if this is happening in spaces where you spend most of your time (school, home, work, etc.). 
  • Evil exists.  And evil doesn’t always appear the way the story books tell us.  Evil can be pretty and dolled up and at the top of the food chain.  Evil is clever in their attempts to harm.  It is why the beautification tactic works.  Knowing, therefore, is growing.

The next time you are being silently but publicly abused in unconventional ways, fret not thyself.  There are resources available to help with this, such as getting the help from qualified mental health professional; speaking to someone you trust; and finding ways to uplift yourself. While it is not the easiest thing to navigate as this is meant to break you and bring emotional/psychological harm to you, you can overcome it once you are aware.  Experts agree that getting out of the situation is the goal; however, if that is not immediately possible, for example if it is happening on the job, it is important to believe in yourself and learn to trust yourself.  This means that you recognize what is happening and trust yourself to find an ally that can help you navigate it, especially if you decide to record and report the situation to HR. While this type of abuse will likely continue unchecked, it is always important for victims to explore ways that they can help themselves to mentally navigate these spaces until they are able to leave.  Psychologists agree that a key step to overcoming abuse, even those that have been beautified, is to first recognize what is happening.  Beautified abuse is a form of Covert abuse that doesn’t just occur in intimate partner relationships.  This type of abuse happens in any setting where people co-exist and ultimately offend each other in one way or another. 

Other References

Some Thought about Victimization, Anger and Abuse.  https://www.mentalhelp.net/anger/victimization-and-abuse/

Darji and Howard (2023).  Covert Abuse:  Signs, Effects, and How to Get Help.  https://www.choosingtherapy.com/covert-abuse/#:~:text=Covert%20abuse%20is%20characterized%20by,verbal%20threats%2C%20or%20physical%20harm.

“Surviving Self-Awareness” IS A Thing!

As far as I was concerned, I was taking a long sabbatical from writing poetry and was gonna be completely focused on different types of continuous prose.  However, poetry decided that it wasn’t done with me, and in the midst of my departure, poetry instructed me to engage, by sometimes literally waking me in the middle of the night with pieces that wouldn’t allow me to go back to sleep until I gave birth to them.  The outcome of this is The Broken Repair, my newest publication.  This book of poetry was inspired by pain and overcoming it:  the pain of rejection, the pain of betrayal, the pain of isolation, the pain of shame, and the pain of self-awareness.  In my lukewarm quest to promote the book (because certain types of engagement is still a challenge for me), I mentioned the core features highlighted just now.  Someone who saw “surviving self-awareness”, curiously said, “surviving self-awareness?!”  And I quickly responded “Yes.”

As I attempted to explain the concept, I could tell that they were not necessarily buying into the idea that we can or even need to survive self-awareness.  Surely, self-awareness is not something that anyone would necessarily say that they “survive”, right?  I beg to differ.

A few blog posts ago, I discussed self-awareness as an important aspect of life along with the necessity of operating in the awareness once we discovered same.  This blog asserted that self-awareness is an uncomfortable act because it requires honesty (read more here).  As I continued to experience life first-hand and through the vantage point of others (close friends, family, the general global community via the media, etc.), I realize that anyone interested in exploring their role in how their lives (or a situation) have turned out, good or bad (according to their own definition or according to the standards of righteousness that God has called us to be), it is inevitable that we must look within and honestly confront ourselves for the role we have played, one way or another.  Without repeating my self-awareness blog post of months ago, I have observed, in myself and others, that coming to a point of awareness and operating in that awareness is not something that many are willing or prepared to do, because many of us do not possess the capacity, care, or understanding of how to do that.  Furthermore, when we become aware of self, there are only a few things we can do:

  • Fix ourselves and operate like new
  • Operate in the awareness of the confirmation of who we have always been
  • Acknowledge the awareness but continue in our comfort because the worldly benefits to be derived are more attractive.

Hence, my assertion that “surviving self-awareness” is an actual thing that takes some deliberate and intentional work, once you are serious about doing it right.

Let’s use myself, in parts, as the subject of this explanation.  A lot has happened in my life in the last two decades, or so, that have caused me grief and several things have happened that have brought me happiness.  As far as I am concerned, the difference between a lot and several is significant.  It almost feels like the bad has outweighed the good.  But that’s what bad does:  it feels heavy and likes to cloud the good things in our lives, even when they are not as many – making it feel like it is more significant than the good.  Be that as it may, I like to introspect.  I like to ask myself what my role was in a particular thing.  Even though I like accountability and am honest about recognizing my role, I do not always operate in that awareness. When I started, however, to introspect in Christ, it was a different kettle of fish. I started to look at myself through His lens – i.e. through His words – The Commandments – The Fruit of the Spirit – what He deems Righteousness and Unrighteousness to be, and let me tell you something, it has not been pretty (all this with the understanding that NO ONE IS PERFECT).  Before coming to this renewal – self-awareness hinged on the Lord God Almighty – it was easy to accept what I deemed my flaws to be, what I allow, etc. and move on from that acceptance to being accountable.  Now, it is way different because I am guided by something greater than myself that forces me into a new dispensation of self-examination.  This reconnection has also allowed me to see more clearly those people in my life that have caused me immense pain and sometimes the reason for it, but more importantly that which I am responsible for/what I have allowed, etc.  With this, I have seen how I have caused myself grief, and I also see the grief I have caused.  But how do I survive this different type of clarity about myself and the people around me?  What do I do now that I see me – through Him – flaws and all?

  • I examine myself
  • I accept myself
  • I change myself
  • I pray for myself
  • I pray for others
  • I honor myself
  • I forgive myself
  • I forgive others
  • I accept responsibility
  • I hold myself accountable
  • I seek forgiveness
  • I accept the season of isolation
  • I shun shame
  • I shun evil
  • I love myself
  • I love others
  • I give myself grace

As simple as it looks in black and white, none of it is easy.  When we examine ourselves in Christ, we are called to a different level of honesty or even exposure, because we cannot hide none of who we are, at our core, from Him.  We must rely on the presence of the Holy Spirit to guide us, and when that happens, it is going to be raw, and uncomfortable, and painful, and lonely.  And this is not just for those parts of us that are “bad”.  When the Holy Spirit highlights the good in us and shows us how we have been trampled, it is just as painful as being shown how our bad ways have affected others.  Sometimes, the highlight triggers our old pains.  But this is what must happen for us to move forward and come to our renewal in HIM; ultimately, all of it is worth it. Therefore, we must be willing to survive this process of self-awareness, for it is just that – a process – which is happening with the understanding that despite our greatest efforts, we are all imperfect beings.  Guess what though? Not many of us are prepared to do this.  When we start looking at ourselves through the lens of God, there are many questions or statements that we will ask/make, for example:

  • I was wrong for doing that
  • I should not have done that
  • That was not Christ-like
  • Forgive me, Lord
  • Change me, Lord
  • Fix/heal me, Lord.
  • I am ashamed of myself.
  • They have shamed me.
  • I have shamed myself.
  • How do I navigate isolation?
  • How do I navigate the shame I feel?

All of this requires us, in totality, to do the work, and that is where it gets complex.  No one wants to admit that they were wrong, especially if they have to do it by making the admission to the person they have wronged, OR we do not want to admit that we idolized the people in our lives and that’s why God allowed the betrayal or the shaming, etc.  We do not want to admit that we harbored ill-feelings.  We do not want to admit that we were prideful, even if we are making the admissions only to ourselves.  The truth is that many of us (despite our capacity to readily quote scriptures) know that we are walking around with certain spirits that we need to rid ourselves of but we are not willing to do the work or are more set on the temporal benefits to be derived from those destructive spirits, for example:

  • The spirit of greed
  • The spirit of gossip
  • The spirit of hate
  • The spirit of jealousy
  • The spirit of pride
  • The spirit of sexual deviance/immorality/lust
  • The spirit of fornication
  • The spirit of discord
  • The spirit of anger
  • The spirit of gluttony
  • The spirit of idolatry
  • The spirit of fear
  • The spirit of unfairness

The admission is only part of the work.  What do we do once we have seen these things in ourselves and are desirous of change?  We must, then, learn how to walk in the change that God is making in our lives, which will often mean a number of things (not exhausted here):

  • We lose the people we wanted in our lives
  • People will begin to chastise us for “changing”
  • People will use our awareness against us
  • We may even become transparent (too transparent)
  • We may no longer have pain as our crutch (this is something I will discuss another time)
  • We may even enter into a period of isolation and alienation.

To those who may never accept “surviving self-awareness” as a thing, I say try introspecting, self-reflecting and moving toward fundamental change in Christ and then tell me what has happened.  Let me know how easy it was for you to adjust your walk and operate in the newness of asking for forgiveness and forgiving those who hurt you, and loving those who hate you.  Let me know what has happened once you became exposed to you and you have decided to fix/heal yourself and be an improved version of yourself in HIM.  Let me know how easy it was for you to deactivate your hate toward a person who hurt you, etc. Also, PLEASE let me know if you are TRULY loving yourself through it all. Regardless of what anyone says, I still say, none of it is easy, but all of it is worth it.  “Surviving self-awareness” is what you must do to escape the old you and get to the other side of who you are called to be, in Christ.

Whether you agree or not, please grab yourself a copy of The Broken Repair (volume 1).  The book is a presentation of poems about those things that cause us pain and our attempts at confronting, surviving, and healing ourselves.

Blessings!

THE KILLING WON’T STOP.

Kill (verb)  to cause someone or something to die:

Humans have been fighting with and against each other for as long as humans have been around.  At the end of these fights, someone or something may die, literally or metaphorically. While many will say that a metaphorical death is incomparable to a literal death, others will argue that there are things worse than death.  There are instances in fights where we recover, and there are instances when we do not or feel like we cannot.  Either way, there is usually a category of injury that one or both parties will end up nursing, because of something we consider inconceivable and irreconcilable from which we do not easily heal and that which will, according to some, literally make our lives a living hell. 

Once we interact with others, there is a very great chance that we would, at some point in those interactions, experience a “killing” of sorts – literal or metaphorical.  Some of these killings are fleeting while some of them are organized warfare.   If we are honest, we may even see that we have done some “killing” ourselves, even if we agree or argue that the depth of the “death” was not significant enough to cause long-term harm (how pompous of us to think we know the long-term effects of our actions, but I digress.)

We all experience hardships, which fall under any of the following categories or even a combination of them all:

  • Financial
  • Spiritual
  • Mental
  • Emotional
  • Physical

These hardships are a part of human nature.  Once we are alive, we are, in some way, affected by our environment.  Hardships, at varying degrees, are inevitable.  Then there are those hardships that are directly attached to someone’s deliberate intentions to make our lives a living hell – to kill us or to kill something in us.  This can be because of who we are perceived to be.  This can range from people just simply not liking the way you speak, or they do not like your successes and even hate the way you handle your failures.  It can be anything.  All of what I just said is a given, right?  And we are expected to navigate all of that, and move on with our lives, right?  Well, if only life could be that simple. 

Since we do not exist in isolation of our environment, there is always someone observing us and making the decision to punish us for something we did (intentionally or unintentionally) and in some cases did not do.  This can occur in our homes, at school, in our friendships, in our romantic relationships, on the job, as well as at church – pretty much anywhere humans coexist.  Unless we are told (directly or indirectly), we don’t typically have access to the impact we have on people because of our actions/inactions, especially since people’s views are often thwarted by their perception and/or imaginations.   Some people are quick to forgive, others, not so much.  Unfortunately for many, when a person offends us, we become preoccupied with the offense and the way it makes us feel.  While “feelings” are not bad, on their own, they are often attached to our internal (and often irrational) compasses that determine how we should respond, even if how we “feel” is not necessarily valid, contextually.  Generally, we “feel a certain way” about different things for reasons not always attached to the specific action/offense, to include (but not limited to):

Be that as it may, when we feel some type of way because of something that someone did or said (valid or invalid), we either forgive them and move on, or/and let nature takes its natural course.  Then there are those who will sit in the offense, stew on it, then strategize the demise of the person it is believed to have cause the offense.   In this “organized warfare” mindset, all hell will break loose.

The killing (literal and metaphorical) will, therefore, not stop.

We are living in a time when people will activate the evil within them to inflict the punishment they believe others deserve for what they deem to be a crime against them.  These “crimes” can include any darn thing, such as:

  • Questioning their authority
  • Getting the job they should have gotten
  • Advocating against inequities
  • Driving a “better” car
  • Earning more
  • Earning less and not understanding how to operate in that “belowness”
  • Having a great marriage
  • Being single
  • The appearance of confidence
  • The appearance of strength
  • Stepping out of one’s place (some people like when we remain beneath them)
  • Speaking up
  • “Disrespecting” them

But why do we resort to “killing” – hurting someone else.  Based on my own observations, people do this to assert dominance and to escape their own internal struggles – to mask their own pain.  Psychologists agree that people inflict hurt (physical or mental/emotional, etc.) to escape their own pain or even to “signal their own goodness” (Rai, 2022).  A study also revealed “that people often hurt others because in their mind, it is morally right or even obligatory to be violent[1]”.  In other words, if you hurt me, or step out of line, it is my duty to put you back in your place or “cut you down to size” by inflicting the level of pain or disrespect I feel because of your action (perceived or actual) toward me.

[1] https://rady.ucsd.edu/why/news/2022/06-21-study-suggests-people-hurt-other-people-to-signal-their-own-goodness.html

While it is true that we may not know what we are doing to hurt others, there are other times when know that our actions are offensive.  That’s a given, right?  Consequently, while some will literally put a bounty out on your head, another person will kill you in other ways that if you do not possess a countenance of Job, you will wish you were dead, especially in the workplace.  A few ways that some will kill you outside of physical murder are through:

(read poem, “The B Word” by Stacey A Palmer)

Arguably, while none of these things will cause someone to die, they can all cause something (in us) to die and create irreversible damage.  These things that may die can include, but not limited to:

  • Self-worth
  • Self-esteem
  • Reputation
  • Finances
  • Connections
  • Will to live
  • Ability to function

When a person strategizes on ways to kill and “kill”, the damage can be irreversible; our bodies can die or our will to live may die.   People who respond to their feelings – valid or not – with vengeance (deliberation and organization) are fully aware of potential mental anguish.  In their minds, your punishment and ensuing death, because of their organized warfare, are well deserved.

How do we combat this? 

In my estimation, we can never be fully prepared.  We can, however, understand that evil lurks and often does not look as ugly as evil is.  After all, humans lie to and on each other to maintain relationships. Nevertheless, if we pay close attention, I am sure we will agree that people show us, in one way or another, their propensity for harm.  Even so, there are still a few things we can do:

  • Expect the “killing”, but don’t fear it.
  • Examine ourselves.
  • Address/fix those things in us that cause harm to others.
  • Pray
  • Trust God.

Though the killing won’t stop, we can prepare ourselves to manage our response to it.

WHEN IT’S TIME TO GO, WE KNOW.

Ever been in a situation (work, romantic relationship, friendship, partnership, interactions, etc.) where you feel like you have overstayed your welcome?  Have you ever felt like you have outgrown a space/person or that the space/person has outgrown you?  Have you ever felt like you are just simply not on the same page with someone you are getting to know or have come to see that the long-term relationship you have fostered was bad for your mental health? Have you ever gotten the vibe that people don’t want you around but are simply tolerating you? Have you ever felt in the pit of your stomach that it is time to exit stage left?  Have you ever felt any of those things at the core of who you are but then convince yourself that maybe – just maybe, you need to give the situation (job, relationship, friendship, courtship, interaction, business partnership etc.) another chance, because maybe – just maybe – you are nitpicking?  But then when you go to sleep, you can’t; you are tormented because the discontent is overarchingly strong?  Even so, you remain.

There are so many of us who are existing in a situation or several situations that are slowly killing us, and we still ask the question, “how do I know if I should really go?”

But let’s be honest, that’s a rhetorical question that we are using to bide, buy, or kill time.  I would go further to say that it is a lie we tell ourselves so we can validate and simultaneously hide the fear we have of leaving.  

When it’s time to go we know.

To address this slow death, we must first ask ourselves a simple question and answer it honestly: 

“What is preventing me from just leaving?”

The answers/response that you may honestly tell yourself may include, but are not limited to are:

  • I am afraid I won’t be able to pay my bills.
  • I am afraid I won’t be able to find another partner/job.
  • I have been in this situation for too long; it’s all I know.
  • I am afraid of or do not like the unknown
  • I have been trying to leave but I can’t right now.
  • My assets are tied up
  • I have know them since I was six
  • I have loans
  • I have tried, but I keep returning.
  • They will not force me to leave; I will leave when I want to
  • I am too old to do anything/anyone else.
  • Where am I gonna go? 
  • Whose gonna want me anyway?

Whatever your response to your specific situation, you may be forced to do several things that may or may not bring about a positive change in relation to your situation, which may include, but are not limited to:

  • address the matter head on,
  • bring you into a state of awareness that will cause shame or guilt
  • freeze – curl up and stay
  • execute a plan with a timeline to leave for good.

To argue that we are sometimes not truly sure about whether we should go is what happens before the stage of which I refer.  To those who will still say “but sometimes we just don’t know,” I say, this “I don’t know” stage does not last in prolonged situations where things do not change for the better – they only get worse – or remain stagnant. 

The bottom line is that when we know, WE KNOW because:

  • Our gut tells us.
  • The situation makes it clear.
  • The shame we feel tells us.
  • The betrayal tells us
  • The continued infidelity tells us
  • The abuse we endure while remaining in that space tells us.
  • The Holy Spirit tells us.
  • The Plans that He has for us tells us.
  • The way they treat us tells us.
  • The disloyalty tells us
  • The discord tells us
  • The degradation tells us.
  • The ostracization and alienation tell us.
  • The subtle messages they send tell us.
  • Our discernment tells us.
  • The lies tell us.
  • The lack of respect tells us
  • The affect tells us.

It is not worth the long-term effects on our physical, emotional, and mental health to remain in any space that does not serve us or that we are not serving them.  We owe it to our today and the possibility of a tomorrow to remove ourselves so that we can give ourselves the love that we deserve (and even allow them the love they deserve).  I agree that there are many significant factors why we remain in situations that require us to leave, but the number one factor that all the gurus (psychologists, life coaches, counsellors, etc.) have expressed is “fear”.  I agree. 

Regardless of the situation, I am yet to meet an adult during an endurance test (because that’s what I will call it now) who did not know when they finally got it that it was time to go. 

There are some of you who may debate, but I maintain my stance:  WHEN IT IS TIME TO GO, WE KNOW.

If you don’t, the situations will chew you up and spit you out and you will be left with a version of yourself that you do not like or cannot recognize.  Either way, once you admit that the assertion is true, let’s address why you are still where you are not supposed to be.

The POWER of Keeping your WORD.

For the first time in five years (thank You, Jesus), I became ill with what appears to be the common flu (although I am told that such a thing no longer exists).  Despite not feeling like it, one of my friends encouraged me to go out into the sun.  I did more than just step outside; I drove to the supermarket, which was approximately five minutes from home to get a few needed items to make my “get-better-soup.”    While I had the option of a friend running that errand for me, I wanted to do it myself.  I went to the supermarket with my list of ten items and was out of there in a jiffy.  As I got to the traffic light, which was right by the supermarket, there was a gentleman selling some of the biggest lemons I have ever seen.  Of course, it didn’t occur to me that lemon was a necessity for my getting-better-process until I happened upon the lemon vendor.  Luckily for me, the light was on red.  He came up to the vehicle, and I rolled down the window and asked him the price.  He stated a price that I immediately believed was too pricey.  I told him that I didn’t have as much, while quickly rummaging through my purse.  In that moment, it became even more evident to me that I needed the lemon.  I guess he must have sensed my need, so he reached into the window and said “okay” as he handed me the lemon. “Yuh a bruk mi ducks,” he said, which meant that I was his first buyer of the day.  At that time, it was about noon (on a Sunday).  As I handed him 75 percent of his asking price, he told me that I could bring the balance another time and that he was at that location everyday between a certain time (I can’t remember the time now).  I promised him that I would, asked him his name, and drove off (the light turned green right after our transaction).

As I drove up to my gate and parked, the Holy Spirit instructed me to search my purse and handbag for the balance of Clive’s money.  If you have ever seen a woman’s purse before she has had the chance to clean out receipts, etc., you have an idea of what I had to navigate.  I found it, minus one JMD.  Without a second thought, I drove off to the spot to give Clive the money I promised that I would have given at a later date. 

I entered unto the road and made a quick spin and headed toward the traffic light where he was still peddling his goods.  I rolled down the window and called out to him.

“Clive!” 

When he looked up and saw me, I beckoned to him.  As I handed him his money, I received the biggest face to face smile I have seen on a human in a long while.  His eyes lit up in a way that said, I cannot believe you kept your word.  He looked me in the eyes and simply said, “thank you,” in the middle of another wide smile. “You are welcome,” I said.

As I drove off with the image of Clive’s smile and the twinkle in his eyes on his sunburnt face – this man whose first purchase I was, I couldn’t help but think about the importance of keeping my/our word.  I do not know this man’s story, and I don’t need to.  I felt his heart, and I could see myself in him.  Even though I owed him, his gratitude was palpable.  He was pleasantly surprised that I returned.  His gratitude came out in his posture more than it did in his words.  THAT did something to my psyche and revealed/reminded me of several things:

  • I felt semi guilty thinking that his lemons were not worth his price. 
  • Pay people what they ask for their good/service or leave it alone.
  • I was reminded of the importance of keeping one’s words, specifically in cases where the person can only benefit.  If we tell someone we are going to do something, and it’s within our realm of possibilities to do it, then we SHOULD.  If we can’t keep our word, say so!
  • We must aspire toward KINDNESS, always (there is a difference between kind and nice).
  • I needed those lemons in a way that I didn’t even realize until I saw Clive selling them.
  • I could have gone elsewhere, since this was not my typical supermarket, but I was supposed to go there.
  • Clive was just as important to my get-better-process as the soup I ended up making.  The lemons are doing what they do.
  • It is important for us to listen to that voice inside of us that guides us to do right, in Christ, even as a corrective action to not doing right the first time we are given the chance.

Ultimately, many of us operate in such tunnel vision ways that we are incapable of seeing how our actions affect the other person.  For some of us, this type of behaviour (not keeping our promise) is situational, while for others, not keeping their word is the way of life – it is who they are, fundamentally.  Whatever the case, we are called, especially in these times of everyone wanting more than what we have, even when our more is more than enough, to extend kindness and keep our word.  We may never know the difference we have made to someone’s day.  According to Rolling Stone Magazine, when we keep our word, we are showing that person that we respect them, have their backs, we are trustworthy, and that we also respect ourselves.

As for me, I was happy to see Clive’s smile and what it did to his overall demeanour; I was equally happy that I did what was right in my often-compromised quest toward daily RIGHTEOUSNESS, in CHRIST.

PARENTING PIVOT: MOM! I AM AN ADULT.

It is not an oversimplified and overused statement, that parenting is the most rewarding and most challenging undertaking of the human experience, especially when you are committed to doing it “right”.   The way I see it, parenting is a kaleidoscopic experience of multiple emotions and rewards and disappointment that continuously intersect at any given time and without warning.  Parenting has had me in a chokehold and has challenged me to extend love that keeps evolving in every parenting experience that I have had with my child.   Parenting requires unconditional love.  Parenting requires introspection; parenting requires self-awareness; parenting requires honesty; parenting requires fearlessness; parenting requires self-love, and parenting requires sacrifice.

As I have observed, especially in the last decade, I am not alone in my parenting quest, blunders, and varying forms of success.  Many other parents, especially mothers, with whom I have conversed, have admitted that parenting has been their most challenging undertaking.   Aside from the obvious financial (and other societal) challenges that many of us face, I have found that parenting is also quite the task for other pertinent reasons, to include (but not limited to):

  • Personality differences:  more often than not, we are learning to adjust to living with children whose personalities are forming and who sometimes become completely different individuals to who we are and who we thought or wanted them to be.  When this happens, there are often personality clashes, and it is the parent’s responsibility to manage the parenting process and make the parent-child relationship less combative.
  • Unhealed traumas:  Those unresolved issues in us prevent us from approaching certain parenting challenges with the correct parenting posture.
  • Unrealistic expectations:  our children are unique individuals who are learning.  In that learning process, they will make mistakes.  They will also choose different paths than those we want for them.  We must accept that this is a part of the life they are called to live and not force unattainable expectations unto them.
  • Ignorance:  If we don’t know, we can’t grow.  When our children display certain behaviors, instead of blindly defining the issue, investigate the issue so that the appropriate tools can be utilized to reach an effective resolve.
  • Conflict resolution deficiencies:  parent-child conflict is inevitable, which requires a deliberate approach to achieve an amicable outcome.  Even though we are the “real adults” in the situation, and often with our degree(s) in tow, we do not always possess the specific know-how to resolve ensuing parenting issues.
  • Lack of awareness:  Many of us operate blind to who we are and our shortcomings and even blinder to who our children are becoming.  Because of this, we parent with a lack of understanding on how to navigate the parenting space, unique to the child we are parenting.  Invariably, the outcome will be counterproductive, in spite of our genuine intentions.

Honestly, if I were to delve into each reason extensively, this blog could go on for pages.  Aside from the inevitable, we are called to revisit our parenting styles when things change with our children, and these things can include anything from mindset to mental health challenges and personal growth search (because they are trying to find themselves).  But my focus is how do we pivot our parenting practices in the face of the onset of adulthood.  My daughter is 19 years old, which makes her an adult – well technically since she is currently college-bound and still reliant on her parents.  She has been at the stage, for almost two years, where she wants to do her own thing with her peers, and in her own time within her own boundaries.  But this is what I am talking about, because why did I even need to qualify her state of adulthood by interjecting that she is “technically” an adult.  Therein lies the problem.  But I digress.

This is not, however, a unique requirement of a young adult and certainly not unique of the challenges parents face across borders and cultures. Those of us who are trying to do right by our children will encounter many roadblocks as they themselves navigate their own growth journey.  We are all just people, despite our unique oppressions or access, trying to figure this parenting thing out. When asked about her parenting role in a recent Oprah interview, Kerry Washington stated “it is a requirement in parenting to be willing to be uncomfortable in order to allow your child to grow; it is a requirement to ask yourself what you need to do better for them and not what they need to do better for you.”  This statement made me ponder on what I have often deemed my parenting imperfections and shortcomings to be and that which has caused my daughter her own set of frustrations with me.    If we are willing to address our parenting blunders as we go along, the specific frustrations will not linger.  They may, however, morph into another frustration because of the complex nature of the parent-child relationship.

As I examine my own parenting journey, I am the very first to admit that I sometimes feel lost – like I have not a clue about what I am doing, which makes me feel as if I am in a constant state of confusion and failing-forward.  Fortunately, God has kept me in those moments as I wear my prayer like a second skin. What choice do I have?  Still, there are some tough times, because there is no parenting-specific manual; each child is unique to your context/environment/who they are and are becoming and therefore requires a different parenting strategy.   Yes!  I said it.  STRATEGIZE, because yuh affi siddung inna silence and tink careful bout yuh next move (you must sit in silence and think carefully about your next move).

My daughter has been my greatest blessing and my greatest lesson.  She is one of the smartest human beings I have ever met; she is beautiful, and as complex as she is smart as she is lippy.  Parenting her has made me question everything about my capability, my capacity, my potential and my resilience.   But that’s not because of her; it is all because of me.  There are many things in me that needed to be addressed in order to be better to her and for her.  Some of those things I brought into the parenting process, while others I developed in the process of becoming a mother and while being a mother (internal and external of me).  In this realization, I see that I am sometimes ill-equipped for some of the reasons itemized earlier.  It could also be that I have not prepared myself sufficiently enough to parent a child whose many facets are so different and unique and new to me.  For example, I am an introvert (and this is not as sanitized as an example as you may think).  I cherish and sometimes crave being alone.  I don’t always want to speak and sometimes I literally cannot speak.  Even though she gets my introversion now (in the last year), in the past, this was a challenge because she always wanted my attention, and I could only give as much as my brain allowed, and my brain could not do “all the time.”  As she now transitions into adulthood, she continues to learn that her mother is an actual human with her own human concerns; but more importantly, I am still learning that I need to transition the ways in which I actively love her within the ambits of her evolution and her requirements.  Naturally, she no longer requires the “parenting” she did two years ago, and I see that. I am also learning to establish new boundaries as well as to respect the boundaries she has set for me.  I say “learnING” as opposed to “learnED” because a nuff time mi affi wheel and come again (check myself and then execute a do-over). The conundrum is for us both to find a balance` in her new adult space.  In my estimation, she doesn’t quite understand that my concerns about her safety are contextual to the crazy climate.  Obviously, it is not always possible for me to know what she is doing and with whom.  This is where I must trust my prayer and my well-wishes for her and allow her to operate within the parameters of her own standards, without having to report every action to me, regardless of my intention.  Because we have not yet fully established/found a happy medium, we sometimes butt heads.   Apparently, mothers and daughters butt heads in a more intensely than daughters and dads, even when the “parenting blunders” are similar.  Psychologists argue that once there is the lack of acceptance (or the perception thereof), on both sides, then there will be a relationship challenge.  Mothers, they say, must learn to respect their daughters’ choices, values, personality, and opinions.  I’m sure that many mothers, like me, will argue that it is not necessarily a lack of respect, but a desire to protect our daughters (children) from the vulnerabilities that we KNOW are unique to women and girls. 

Be that as it may, the parenting pivot becomes necessary at each stage of the parenting process if we are to sustain the relationship we want with our ever evolving offsprings/wards, and especially necessary if we want them to become well-rounded adults with good mental health. Anything outside of a deliberate consideration for their changing mindset and needs, will yield a less than favourable response to our parenting “interventions.” This becomes even more urgent once they get to the age when society deems them adult, whether they can financially afford to fend for themselves or not.  Honestly, once we have gotten to this point, it is now time to allow them to teach us how to parent them in the wake of their becoming….

SHAME, ON YOU!

One of the most devastating things that can happen to anyone is to be in a space (public or private) where shame is used by someone to inflict punishment. When public (or even private) shame is observed as a common theme in any relationship, it is often a solid indicator that it is time to skedaddle.  But that is not often the immediate response, especially when love is present (by the shamed), and in instances when the shame act is subtle and by someone from whom it is least expected.  One of my most hurtful adult experiences was when a close friend publicly humiliated me in her home.  For someone like me who does not like going into people’s personal space, this was traumatic.  Needless to say, I was so ashamed, I could only cry in the moment and have only spoken about that particular shaming to one confidante (RIP) over a decade ago. To make matters worse, despite this person’s follow up “love presentation”, we have never had a discussion about THAT shaming.   

Having witnessed the ways in which shame (through humiliation) is used as a hurt-tactic by “well-thinking” professionals and having undergone and overcome a series of “shame” attempts and events, I now understand its effects and why people do this. Still, “I shame you see!”  is a sentiment used by many, in jest, when describing an event – public or private – that brings a disruption to ones self-worth and makes us question who we are within context of the incident that brought us the shame.  This response is often a protection mechanism designed to minimize and compartmentalize the true effects of shame.

According to Oxford online dictionary, “shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour.”  Obviously, this wrong or foolish behaviour can be of our own doing and/or by someone else, but often brought about as a result of what has been done to us.

Since many of us will only openly admit shame in jest, hardly are we willing to openly discuss the silencing nature of shame and the ways in which it is used as a weapon to:

  • assert positionality
  • silence others,
  • keep someone in their place
  • isolate/alienate others
  • chip away at a person’s self-worth.
  • inflict emotional and psychological harm. 

Even though we publicly undermine the potency of shame to protect ourselves, those who commit acts against others to deliberately cause shame, understand its effects.  The American Psychological Association agrees that shame, not to be confused with guilt, has a myriad of emotional and psychological negative effects that ranges from a “withdrawal from social intercourse” to “retaliative anger.”  It is not hard to imagine that anger will occur as a defense against the shame that results from an attack[1]. When shame happens as a direct result of someone’s deliberate intentions, we want to curl up in a ball and hide, lash out, or immediately protect ourselves. From my perspective, our response is incumbent on several things to include who, what, where and when, simply. Notwithstanding, if we understand the posture and deliberation behind the shame-attempt, there is a chance that we will be able to respond more positively (internally and externally), thereby minimizing its effects and disarming the “shamer.”

Shame as a weapon

The people (shamers) who are adamant about and rely on the damage of shame, understand its effects at varying degrees.  These are sometimes those who may want to physically harm you but won’t or can’t for several reasons. Based on the position they occupy, they may not be able to survive the inconvenience of having to answer to a legal system, so the next best alternative is to inflict pain through strategic acts of humiliation that cause shame.  The truth is, those who understand the damaging effects of shame are more likely to be strategic at their attempts and will utilize everything and anything in their environment to ensure that the “shame message” is effectively received by the intended victim and by those who are supposed to witness the shaming (since shaming often relies on an audience).  But this very potent weapon has been around for ages; shame, for a long time, has been the weapon of choice for many, and the extent to which they shame and humiliate you is usually connected to the amount of hurt, disdain, desire, or anger they may feel toward you.  The curious and surprising thing about shame is that you never know when the feeling will occur as it is often brought on by something internal or triggered by the acts of those with the understanding of what it will take to cause you shame – typically someone who is close to you.  But it doesn’t always occur with immediacy.  If you are a compartmentalizer, like me, your response may be delayed.

As I navigate my own shaming, I was recently discussing with a friend that the “keep your head up” posture in the midst of shame is not always a flat-affect indicator nor is it always a real expression of unshakeable self-esteem; these acts are often performances to get you through the public effects or to minimize public scrutiny of your handling of the shame and its effects on you (keep in mind that shamers more often than not rely on an audience/their environment for the shaming to be effective). After all, we all experience different feelings about ourselves situationally. Understandably, those who have experienced shame learn how to publicly navigate the feeling whether internally or externally.  In my quest to keep my effect internal or relegated to a “safe space”, I, in happenstance, discovered that confidence is a skill that we can all learn.  This confidence performance does not, however, minimize how we feel internally.  It simply serves as a buffer for public scrutiny, since the confidence appearance often masks the shame-effects to onlookers (usually a part of the shaming process).  While I agree that we can use this skill to minimize the physical manifestation of shame, it is a more complex and nuanced undertaking to eliminate its internal effects.

Shame, who?

Psychologists assert that shame is a natural part of the human experience.  Therefore, those who use shame as a weapon understand the effects of shame and/or are typically closely connected to you and therefore know what will trigger the feeling or what acts of humiliation will bring about the desired outcome. But shame is not only caused by the external; shame comes from within.  Shame is often hinged on regrets as well as those expectations you have of yourself and others.  For example, one of the most difficult things for a person to admit is that the people you choose to have in your life do not necessarily want you there….  It is difficult to admit that the people you love see you as beneath them and only need you to fulfil a certain role beneficial to them.  The recognition of that can bring about internal/private shame. 

It is important that we understand that shame can come from perception (internal) as much as it can be brought on by reality, and intention (external).  But these are not mutually exclusive since the ways in which perception and intention intersect is incumbent on access.  In other words, those who have access to your perception of self, pain, life, etc. can use that access to intentionally inflict a trigger that causes shame.

Manoeuvring Shame

To manoeuvre shame, as debilitating and as negative as the feeling is, one must first accept that shame is a natural part of the human experience, especially since it is connected to how we view ourselves as well as how others view us.  Rosko (2020) makes the point that shame is impossible to avoid as much as it is invaluable to growth.  This author asserts that shame is an excellent teacher that serves as a useful gauge that lets us know where we fall in the ambits of society and that lets us know when “we fall short of our own values as well as others’ expectations….and tells us who we are and who we expect ourselves to be.”  This excerpt, when unpacked, indicates a few things; one such, is that shame highlights who we are (fundamentally) as well as who they are NOT to us. 

When we carry shame (allow it to linger), it shows up in different ways, and “The Body Keeps the Score”.  Shame affects:

  • Our brain
  • Our face (we look old and haggard; we barely smile).
  • Our bodies (When we are depressed/sad from shame, we barely move/exercise; or we may eat more or less than we usually do). 
  • Our posture – the way we walk/talk, etc.
  • Our self-esteem/mindset
  • Our capability/capacity.

A smart person somewhere on social media said “shame works if you let it,” and they are right! Therefore, regardless of the source of the shame one feels, we can navigate shame in the following inexhaustive ways (in no particular order):

  • Examine and understand why you feel shame (this requires honest introspection)
  • Keep your affect to a “safe space.”
  • understand the intention behind each shame attempt and combat that with the Word of God.
  • Accept that the feeling does not have to linger (you actually have control over how you respond to shame).
  • Acknowledge the shame and release it.
  • Learn how to compartmentalize so you know, where, how, and when to physically respond.
  • Articulate (verbally to self) the shame you feel; do not pretend it away.
  • Heal your shame trauma and triggers through a mental health professional.

Those who use shame as a weapon are often very strategic at their shame-attempts to destroy you and will not stop until they see or feel that you are mentally decapitated.  I assert that “shamers” have, themselves, been shamed and are most likely walking around with shame, etc. The key to managing shame is to acknowledge the feeling, as well as the attempts, etc. and learn how to get through that feeling without letting it follow you around and keep you into the gutter.  Ultimately, to buffer shame, you must believe that you are ENOUGH and operate in God’s Grace!

[1] https://www.jstor.org/stable/2786667?origin=crossref

“TRANSACTIONAL NECESSITY” – Take it or leave it!

All relationships do not require depth.  Some are classified as an interaction to serve a purpose – to help you achieve that which you desire (temporary gratification or a long-term goal).  It could be as simple as getting ice-cream at your favourite parlour or the one you have with your supervisor/boss/coworker.  Once we understand what a specific interaction brings and what we are willing to forego to maintain it, I believe that our lives will be better and less stressful. 

Whatever our reason for the interaction, we all have standards by which we operate and those that we hope to maintain throughout our interactions, superficial or otherwise.  Because we have very little control over how a person operates within the context of our standards, we must decide what it is that we are willing to tolerate at any given point.  We must, however, bear in mind that people do not always have access to our standards, because 1.  We have not let them in or 2.  They simply do not have the brain capacity to appreciate our standards, and 3.  They are not interested in knowing or meeting our standards.

That is not to say that a person cannot develop a deep and rewarding relationship with an interaction that started off with the specific intention of receiving a thing.  Those relationships that we engage in for the sole purpose of getting that which we require, because of something that we are giving, despite our personal feelings or preference, can be referred to as a transactional necessity (TN).  It is also prudent to point out that you can also have a rewarding relationship from one that lacks depth.  The reward comes from the thing that the transactional necessity brings or even the temporary gratification one might achieve from the interaction itself and not necessarily the object of the transaction.  Psychologists postulate, for the most part, that our relationships with others fall under one of four categories with six relationship subtypes.

The conundrum with TN is that some of us give the wrong impression that the relationship means more than it does, while others of us are simply unable to read the transactional necessity room.  Then the relationship dilemma ensues.  Unfortunately, many of us are pulled in by “pretty talks” – those conversations that spark your interest because they appear to feed our mental and emotional needs.  It is, however, the consistency of reconciliatory actions that determine the true depth and (often) longevity of the relationship.  In other words, the detriment or success of that relationship is incumbent on talk-the-talk reconciling with walk the walk, or the lack thereof.  This is something that most require for long-lasting relationships, which usually occur once both parties have an interest in genuinely meeting each other’s needs.

Regardless of the nature of the relationship, boundaries are still necessary. When you go to dinner at a restaurant, you must pay to receive the food.  Whatever the established system between yourself and the proprietor, you must operate within the set boundaries.  In our dealings with others, we must, however, apply context to know what those boundaries are.  Often those boundaries are explicitly established, or they can be alluded to.  Whatever the case, we all know that regardless of our preferred modus operandi when dealing with others, there are some relationships that are only there to serve a transactional purpose.  This means that there is something that you have that I want, and I will pay you in cash or kind to get that thing from you.  The same is true when the roles are reversed.  I may have something that you need – a service that I am offering, and you pay, in some way, to access that service, and then I give you the goods or service, without any other expectation.  The word “pay” (along with service) is being used very loosely to mean giving up one thing (for another) which in some cases could mean the expending of one’s dignity, peace, silence, time, laughter or joy for the need/want.

Even if you enjoy deep relationships with people, transactional necessities are unavoidable.  How many times have you been in a situation that you would rather not, but you are forced to engage because there is something in that space that is beneficial to your long or short-term needs?  Case in point, the fruit vendor.  For you, the experience is partially daunting, because you like to engage and get to know people.  While you have never gotten more than platitudes or a pasted-on smile, you continue with the routine because an important need is being fulfilled.  Essentially, while she makes you uncomfortable (which may even be because of your skewed perception of her), she does offer the best goods, and having your daily intake of fruit is important to you than the temporary discomfort.  Ultimately, the benefits outweigh your discomfort; therefore, you do what you must to maintain your relationship with your fruit lady.  This is a transactional necessity.

This “fruit lady” anecdote can be applied in any situation that we are required to continue, despite our discomfort or preference to cut all ties.  This can be with any person with whom we interact at work, school or even in our own families.  It can even be with someone with whom we have had a close relationship.  Let’s be honest, many of us have had to endure transactional necessities at some point.  How many of us have had to bite our tongue and understand that not every situation requires a complete cutting of ties, especially if we are to achieve one of our goals?  In addition to this lady selling the best fruits, she is also in the best location because there are many parking options.  Therefore, you will endure her “unfriendly nature” to achieve a need.  Similarly, for whatever reason unique to us, we may be called to shift/redefine/relax our boundaries/standards as it relates to our relationships to facilitate a long-term growth, want, or need.  Let me hasten to say that I am by no means suggesting being a hypocrite and faking a friendship.  The point is, we do not always have to completely sever ties.  There are times when we must change the trajectory/nature of our relationships to continue to meet our needs, so that we can live peaceably and protect our mental health.  Depending on the context, it may simply serve you and the specific environment better to accept the shift (from friendship to TN).  We may have to change from being friends to being friendly, without a conversation or a falling out.  Unfortunately, we are often way too emotionally invested to make that switch.

An existential crisis is mistaking a transactional necessity for a relationship of substance, loyalty, and love thereby developing, in your mind, a closeness that for the other person never existed.  With this awareness, comes even greater pain and disappointments than those that are actually built on mutual love, loyalty, trust, and respect (even healthy relationships experience pain and disappointments too).  That’s one side of the transactional necessity coin.  If you are the person doing the shift, from a relationship that once appeared to be one of depth, it is important to your righteousness (if you are so inclined) to make it clear the way the fruit lady has to you and you to her that the relationship is what it is.  In this case, the transactional necessity is not void of kindness.   Some people have mastered the art of faking friendships, marriages, etc. and fooling others into thinking that there is more to the relationship than the performance of it.   Either way, we can either take the relationship for what it is, or we can shift the dynamic, without fuss, when we find out that it is NOT what it pretended or once was.  Bottom line, our relationships do not always have to be deep for it to be rewarding.  Notwithstanding, we need to establish what it is or we can shift into the TN mode so that we fulfil what we need to without strife.

A MOVIE AND ME-TIME

I was in a public setting having a light-hearted chat with a friend of sorts and another person I just met. As most impromptu chats go, one topic led to the next, and we started chatting about movies.  It was revealed that I had gone to see Equalizer 3 by my lonesome.  Amid sharing my utter delight about how much I enjoyed the film, especially in my capacity as the self-appointed Equalizer Trilogy promoter and Denzel Washington, the actor, supporter, I sensed the confused energy of the person I had just met.  As soon as the words “I went to the movie by myself” fell out of my mouth, I immediately felt judgement energy.

“You went to the movies alone?”  She asked.

“Yes, I did, and I do all the time,” I said matter-of-factly.

“Why would you go to the movies alone?” She was concerned.

“For the same reason I would go with you.  To see the movie.”

I guess I could say that we were both operating in varying degrees of ponder.  It was obvious that she didn’t understand why anyone would deliberately go to the movies by themselves, and I was slightly curious as to why this would confuse her.  The truth is, her perspective is not unique, as I have heard this before.  People would never eat alone, go to the movies alone, take themselves to a concert, travel alone, drive to the beach alone, etc.  Those who wouldn’t somehow believe that those of us who do, suffer some kind of affliction.  She went further to say she always believed that people who went to the movies alone were depressed. 

I think I should have been offended, but I wasn’t – not even slightly.

In the same way she has her theory about people like me – those who have no issues going to the movies alone – I, too, have my own theory about those who are unable to take themselves to the movies and about those who think something is “wrong” with those of us who do.  While my theory is nothing near as sinister as to assume a mental illness, per se, I have always imagined those people who wouldn’t (or couldn’t) as missing out somehow.  Fundamentally, I assume a “to each his own” stance on the matter.  

As she continued to search out my face in utter surprise that she was meeting someone who would do such a thing (I am assuming), the “depression” conversation ensued. 

I said, “The same way you are asserting depression unto solo movie attendees is the same way I cannot say that those who go to the movies with a date or friend are NOT depressed.”  By her argument, one could easily deduce that those who have movie buddies/dates, etc. are not depressed.  From what I know about depression, it is such a complex thing to pinpoint just by looking.  Accordingly, depressed people get married; depressed people get first class honors; depressed people are CEO’s; there are depressed people who have gone to the movies with a partner/friend.  Conversely, cheerful and happy (are these the opposite of depressed) people are single, poor, rich, loners, etc.  We are too complex to think we can look at one thing about someone and determine what is going on with us.  If only that were true, then the mental health epidemic would not be in existence since there are way more movie-goers who attend with someone or a group of people than there are solo-movie-goers.   The truth is, I have gone to the movie alone under many circumstances:  when I was as happy as a lark, when I was sad, when I was depressed, I have even gone alone when I just completed my Masters and wanted to celebrate.  But my fundamental reason for going to the movie alone is plain and simple – I want to see the movie, and I don’t always want company, or I don’t always have company, or I don’t want to wait to see it.  Some of us are just like that and some of us aren’t.

As strange as people find this solo movie-going phenomenon, there are benefits to be derived from going alone, to include (but not limited to):

  • Getting to know yourself
  • Using the activity as self-care
  • Eliminating chatter/distractions
  • Being completely immersed in the film
  • Protecting/enjoying ones peace
  • See other benefits as discussed by someone else here.

The conversation tapered off with me encouraging her to spend time with herself and sharing how beautiful I find it to be, especially within a certain context applicable to her.  I told her that the stares I get from the few people I do are not bothersome to me – not in the least.  I let her know that the only discomfort experienced is by those who find it strange that I am there by myself, which is none of my business.  In other words, I couldn’t care less.   Honestly, I love myself, and I love my own company. I am also an avid movie buff, so I am enjoying the best of both worlds. Be that as it may, while I am there by myself, I do the same things I would do if I were with someone else, including comment or exclaim about a scene.   The only drawback (if I was forced to find one) is that there is no one to hold my handbag (if I am coming from work), while I use the restroom or go to the concessionaire’s. Best believe, I am enjoying every ounce of the film (along with the associated emotions of the film) the same way (or even more than) partnered movie goers do.

Next up on the movie-watching list – Retribution – and I am going alone!

The Dangers of Forgiveness

Many solid-appearing relationships (platonic, romantic, etc.) are sustained by different motivations that do not require any depth or real considerations of forgiveness when things go awry.  Then there are those relationships where there are regular emotional check-ins with private and public acts of respect.  In these relationships, people hold themselves and their “relationship partners” accountable and forgiveness, self-awareness, humility, and love form the basis of the interaction. 

Regardless of the nature of our relationships, we, at some point, will offend the person(s) with whom we are friends, lovers or family members and therefore want to be forgiven for that act(s), and we are also expected to forgive others when those roles are reversed.  I don’t foresee any relationship occurring without one person doing or saying something to the other that have caused hurt, in some way, whether intentionally or unintentionally.  Notwithstanding, once the relationship holds some semblance of importance to us, forgiveness or the lack thereof plays an important role in the progression of the relationship.  While I agree that forgiveness is a main ingredient in sustaining long-term relationships, with the people we opt to have in our lives, there are dangers in forgiveness.

The Bible mentions forgiveness numerous times and encourages the seventy times seven forgiveness rule.  We are even told that we are harming ourselves when we hold a person’s “blunder” against them, because we are carrying toxic energy.  But how can this very integral and fundamental concept cause harm?  What is forgiveness anyway? Psychologists agree that forgiveness is the deliberate and intentional act of letting go of any ill will or negative feelings toward a person who has wronged or offended you in some way and be able to operate with love and kindness toward that person.  Forgiveness, many argue, should mean the continuing of the relationship as it were before the offence without repeatedly mentioning the offence.  Others believe, however, that forgiveness is not simply the acceptance of the offense or the denial of its seriousness nor does it mean an automatic reconciliation; this statement is the perfect segue for where the dangers lie.

Despite societal constructs or Biblical instructs about forgiveness, many of us have not fully deconstructed or established forgiveness within the context of our boundaries.  Hence, we are blinded by the platitudinal “I love yous” than we are guided by or responsive to the genuine acts of love.  In lieu of this, we often forget our standards or boundaries because we believe the words more than we require the actions that depict or is a direct result of love.   Thus, when “loved ones” overstep boundaries in ways that offend us at our core, for example public and/or private humiliation that causes shame, we latch on to the nice sentiments that follow the offence without having or being given the room to have a real discussion about the offence itself.  Either this, or we operate in silent forgiveness without the involvement of the “offender” and return to the relationship as normal; thereby leaving room for an inevitable repeat offence and ultimately secret resentment to set in.  Herein lies the dangers of forgiveness.

“Forgiveness Monitors” (FM), argue that forgiveness is not about the “offender” but more about the “offended.”  For them, this means that there is no point harbouring unforgiveness because there is more harm to be done when you do that.  If we operate with the definition of forgiveness purported earlier, then I accept this as one component of the forgiveness truth.  The problem, however, is that almost everyone with whom I come into contact has their own interpretation of how forgiveness should manifest.  For example, if you say you forgive someone but refuse any type of interaction, that somehow signals to FM your failure to forgive, thereby rendering you unforgiving.  Although many won’t have access to what is happening with your mental state and your feeling toward the person with whom you have no contact, FMs do not believe your assertion of forgiveness to be true.  But is that so important to the forgiveness process?  I say no.  The danger of forgiveness, in this instance, lie in you seeking to validate your forgiveness against the backdrop of someone else’ forgiveness interpretation, instead of your unique mental wellness requirement. 

I assert that although forgiveness has one body, it wears many outfits.  Therefore, a person’s lack of contact is not always an indicator of unforgiveness.  So too is the person’s return (to the relationship after an offence against them) not always a true indicator of forgiveness.

Many of us operate with boundaries, or at the very least, aspire to.  In other words, there are certain things that warrant walking away from and never looking back without ill will.  Even while having those boundaries that may or may not be clearly established, we tend to operate against what we know to be right for us, because we do not want to be alone, are unilaterally working to sustain the relationship, or we have simply forgiven the “offender” and have ignored the standards we have set for ourselves.  In situations like this, we believe it more important to please, praise, or love others more than we do ourselves.  Maybe this is the real outfit of forgiveness, regardless of the ensuing detriment of repeat offence, which is usually more potent than the time before.  The danger in forgiving here (what others require of us in the forgiveness space) is we may lose ourselves and our value is diminished, which leads to self-loathing or something more sinister.

The minute we establish a bond with someone, we open ourselves up to being hurt or wronged. Despite our best efforts, we have also been guilty of hurting the people we love. During the hurt stages, the revelation of who a person is NOT to us is revealed.  In which case, we are forced to let our forgiveness modality take the natural progression, which may ultimately mean cutting ties, for good.  But forgiveness is not so clear cut.  Forgiveness requires the processing of the offence, which we may not be able to do in an “appropriate” timeframe. There are times when life’s occurrences require us to compartmentalize, and it is months after that we can process the offence for what it was.  In that case, the appearance of forgiveness when the event first happened was not that, it was simply the shelving of it to deal with other life’s challenges that may have been misread by both you and the person who is guilty of the offence.  Notably, to truly forgive requires deep thought, because a part of true forgiveness is the understanding of what happened and the decision on how you will proceed to honor yourself; this is applicable to both the offender and the offended.

The danger of forgiveness occurs when we allow a person who has wronged us back into our lives/sacred space, and the offense is repeated.  For most, the shame of finding themselves at square one often prevents us admitting to others and to ourselves that we were wrong in our assessment to allow them back in, so we remain in the space and suffer in silence.  Thus, the forgiveness we extended in the first place is slowly replaced by resentment.

Don’t do that!

My observation is that the person you are required to forgive is the person to whom much is given.  When others “offend” you, it is easier to brush it off and carry on as normal.  It seems easier to get over anger than it is to navigate hurt; the masses say only those you let in can truly hurt you.

Ultimately, everyone must decide how to proceed after their own unique scenarios. Folks struggle with maintaining relationships while honouring themselves.  The truth is, the closer you are to someone the more information you give them to hurt you, vice versa.  It follows that forgiveness plays an important role in how those relationships progress.  As important as forgiveness is to ourselves and to others, there is no point in the expressions of forgiveness if we have not assessed the situation and honestly decided on how to proceed within boundaries. The danger in forgiveness, therefore, lies in a blind return with little or no consideration of a repeat offence especially when there is the lack of accountability.  The danger in forgiveness comes from allowing society to determine the attire of your forgiveness.  The danger also comes from a lack of self-awareness or a dishonesty about our role in the offence. In other words, forgiveness, with the intention of carrying on as normal, requires discussion, (re)establishment of boundaries, and self-respect, which will have long-term benefits to all parties involved.  The opposite of this is also true:  you may need to forgive someone silently and from a distance.