Keeping your word….TO YOURSELF!

“Mommy, I am going to take a bath and go to bed now….”

“Ok….”

Although it is only 7:35 p.m., I know that for her to say this (at this time) means that she recognizes that she is dead beat and needs rest, since she is usually up working until too late. 

It is now more than one hour later, and I hear the silence of her working hard.  Yes… I said it… the silence of her hard work is different than that of her deep slumber.  Needless to say, she did not take a shower nor is she asleep.  She is working, I am sure of it!

It is just as I thought.  She is in her room fine-tuning her School Based Assessment (SBA), because for as long as it is not submitted is as many things that she will find that needs to be fixed, revamped, adjusted, etc.  This offspring of mine will NOT stop until she is finished.

______________________

While I admire her work ethic, and I say this to her all the time, I find myself asking the question, why is it so difficult for us to keep our word/promise to ourselves, but find it easier to keep our word to others.  We keep our word sometimes even to a perfect stranger – sometimes to our own detriment and inconvenience. 

Human beings are interesting.

Many of us have included on our list of deal-breakers in friendships, romantic interactions and even those with family members as “people who do not keep their word”.  In other words, we will declare publicly that we do not like someone who does not keep their word.  Let me hasten to say that I am not suggesting that keeping our word to others is not important.  Hear me out, please.

I argue that as important as it is to keep our word to others, it is MORE important, in my estimation, to keep our word TO OURSELVES.  I am not talking about keeping our word about buying ourselves that one gallon of ice-cream and eating it in a day (touché) or drinking that big bottle of wine with that huge chocolate in one go or promising to finish an entire season of our favourite TV series or treating ourselves to a meal that is calorie-riddled, when we get paid.  After all, these are all promises that we have no problems keeping for very obvious and temporary gratification reasons….

….still, no judgements here.

I speak, categorically, about keeping our word in relation to all other things that are good for us – mind, body and soul; for example, rest and recreation, worshipping more, being positive, cutting toxic energy, being kinder to ourselves (and others), getting regular check-ups, setting high standards for ourselves and KEEPING those standards, the promise to exercise, being deliberate about our mental health, and the list can go on for days.

Why are we afraid of doing those things that we have promised ourselves that we would do to help us to be the better version of ourselves?

It is time for us to take this deliberate mandatea step further.  We must be honourable to ourselves before we can even think about being honourable to someone else.  I find it sad that we would operate above and beyond for others and not give ourselves the same commitment and love. 

___________________

It is now three hours later, and the offspring is finally showered and off to bed.  However, my duty as her mother is to gently remind her about being deliberate about rest and keeping her word to herself.  The fact that she told me earlier that she was going to shower and rest is her “need-for-rest indicator”, so I will remind her about that.  This way, I am helping her to keep her word – to herself.

In the meantime, who is going to remind me to keep my word to me to get up and exercise tomorrow….?  LOL.  No one should have to do that…. 

….I need to keep my word to myself!

On a serious note, we all need to be held accountable when we do not honour ourselves.   If we are not at the point where we can keep ourselves accountable, we are encouraged to find someone out of our core group, who will be willing to help us do that, and do it!

Let us endeavour to love ourselves a little bit more each day by keeping our word to ourselves.

Blessings!

40-legs: my 40+ years fear!

‘SAS CRISE!

I want to write this entire blog post in the Jamaican Creole, but I can’t, because my readers consist of non-Jamaicans and Jamaicans alike.

But OH MY GOD!!!! I Just had another encounter with another 40-leg (centipede), and it was HUGE!  Anyone who knows me knows that I am deathly afraid of these things.  I HATE CREEPY CRAWLERS WITH A PASSION. 

“Mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! There is a centipede in the bathroom, and it is HUUUUGGGGGGEEEEE.”

I lifted my head from the laptop, and I took a very deep breath and thought to myself, “I am tired of being held hostage by this darn fear”. 

It is bad enough that the pandemic has had me pondering about what’s to come, so I will be damned if I continue to let this 40-leg for 40 plus-years fear continue to cripple me.  Hell to the NO!  Centipede plus pandemic – one has to go NOW!

So I grabbed my machete from its hiding place and set out to commit a felony on this creature. I wonder now, though, does this constitute animal cruelty?  Should I have bottled it alive and call NEPA?  LOL…. I digress…

Before today, I would have been bawling literal tears and talking loudly to myself while doing what was necessary to get rid of it.  Either that or I would have found the help of a male (first option) and then I would not have been able to fall asleep that night thinking one is gonna crawl on me….  NOT TODAY.  NO MORE.  I am going to massacre this thing….

….Mi naah ask Christ!!

As I went into the bathroom in search (because those things hide well), I sprayed in the general location that the offprsing pointed to. I saw the 6-foot bugger (obviously not 6 foot, but it was HUUUUGGEEE) wriggling its way to my bedroom.  With machete in hand and fear discarded, I chopped it dead!  Not only did I do that, but I also scooped it up and disposed of it, not a tear rolling down my cheeks as it usually would have.  Under normal circumstances, I would NOT have been able to interact with this thing without heart palpitations the way I did tonight – dead or alive.  But I was adamant….

CHANGE HAS COME!  Bless God!

What is the point of this, you may ask?  Lemme tell you…becaaw every weh yuh tun, lesson deh deh fi learn (everywhere you turn, there is a lesson to be learnt).  So here goes:

  • The way that my daughter called out to me was an indicator that I had transferred my fear of this thing unto to her.  Hmmm….. I didn’t even realize this until tonight. 
  • As parents we tend to inadvertently transfer our fears, etc. unto our children; we must be very mindful of this.
  • I conquered a fear that I held on to for as long as I have been alive! 
  • Not only did I manage to conquer a fear, but she witnessed my transformation.

Great, right?! 

But what was the purpose of holding on to this fear for as long as I did?  It didn’t serve me well at all.   Why did it take me simply making up my mind to let go of the fear for me to actually let it go – literally?  Why didn’t I do this sooner?

In response to these questions, I highlight the following:

  • We have to stop letting our fears cripple us. 
  • We have to be deliberate about stepping outside of our fears in order to create the lives that we want for ourselves. 
  • It is NEVER too late to step outside of our fears, despite the decades that have passed. 
  • We should NEVER be hard on ourselves, because of how long it may have taken us to let go of any fear….
  • It is important for our children to witness our growth as we navigate our human selves, because NEWSFLASH….  Parents/guardians/adults are humans too!
  • The young people (our children – offspring, nieces, nephews, students, etc.- those in our charge) are watching us, and they are learning from us. Let us, therefore, be deliberate about conquering those irrational fears, so that they can witness us become better versions of our adult selves.

To be completely honest, I am not 100 percent over the fear (I am about 89 percent there), and my daughter knows this, but she also knows that I am no longer crippled by it.…

A weh 40-leg a guh?!!!

It is prudent to point out that I am not saying we should never have fears; not all fears are irrational (but that’s for another blog post).  I am saying that we should find a way to let go of those that we can – those that prevent us from operating at our optimal.  Sometimes all it takes is self-talk, and sometimes it will take therapist talk and sometimes friend/spouse, etc. talk… whatever works.  Let us be deliberate about letting those fears go….

but seriously though … can those things leave me alone now? mi really hope seh di duppy 40-leg tell di rest a dem seh I am not to be messed with!

CO-PARENTING DURING THE PANDEMIC

“In the midst of the pandemic, people will show you one of two things:  the magnitude of their LOVE, or the extent of their hate.” – Stacey A Palmer 2020

PREAMBLE: The interesting thing about chronicling the pandemic parenting experience is that not every parent – mother or father (guardian, etc.) will identify with each post, because our unique situations place us into different parenting categories.  It is the hope, however, that at the very least, there is something to be garnered from each post, no matter one’s categorization.  So, let us talk a little about co-parenting….

Since the pandemic struck, there has been a multiplicity of research about the impact of COVID-19 on different groups.  One thing that is evident is that women have been the most affected group, specifically mothers.  As the cases continue to rise, I find myself thinking more and more about those children who are a part of a co-parenting situation and how this may impact them, one way or another.

When this pandemic began, it was reported that children were not susceptible to the virus.  Recently, the reports show something completely different, as more and more children are being infected, some of whom have even died.  The CDC has reported that “while fewer children have been sick with COVID-19 compared to adults, children can be infected with the virus that causes COVID-19, can get sick from COVID-19, and can spread the virus that causes COVID-19 to others”[1].

With this report comes the many concerns that parents have about keeping their children safe.  Parents must work, so children are either left in the care of another person or are required to stay with a caregiver or must interact with someone else that is not a member of their immediate household or are simply left by themselves (age permitting).  This concern is further compounded by those who are required to co-parent.  With co-parenting comes visitations by the parent with whom the child does not reside, fully.

Aside from the daily co-parenting challenges that existed prior to the pandemic, there are added stressors associated with parents keeping themselves and the children covid-free.  As such, parents are left asking pertinent questions such as:

  1. How do we navigate the risk of infection to fulfil our parenting responsibilities?
  2. How can we be assured that the other parent is operating at the same Covid-19 awareness levels and doing everything to keep themselves safe?
  3. What can each parent do to ensure that the child spends quality time with the other parent and protect both parent and child(ren).

I have spoken to several mothers who are having a challenge with how to ensure their child remains covid-free especially in light of the co-parenting situations.  Because of this, visitations are minimal or sometimes non-existent.  What makes this even more problematic is that the challenges extend to other fundamental concerns, such as maintaining the parent-child bond.

As adults responsible for the parenting of our children, it is important to establish co-parenting strategies that will help to ensure that the children are beneficiaries of our parenting presence and that their new normal is a lot less confusing. Still, the parent who resides elsewhere may decide to stay away to protect the child or to protect themselves from contracting the virus or for any other reason they deem significant to them.  While one can argue the validity in each parent’s choice, it is prudent to ensure that the decisions of the adults, within this pandemic context, work to the betterment and not to the detriment of our children.  They are paying attention.

So while I will not propose to have the all-encompassing solutions to suit every co-parenting scenario, there are suggestions that I believe would be helpful if safety is the number one concern:

  1. New visiting schedules must be established and maintained. Agree on a time/date when the visit(s) will take place each week/month, etc.  and stick to the agreed time/date etc. Children respond positively to routines.
  • Come prepared in your masks and face shield, etc. and maintain the appropriate physical distance by setting up a physical- distant seating for parent and child(ren).
  • As the adult, plan the time you have with the child.  Plan a game.  Talk about something light.  Find out what you can help with re homework. etc.
  • If/when you can, take the child’s favorite snack/fruit/book, etc.
  • If visits are few, establish a call/facetime, etc. pattern/schedule and stick to it.  Checking in is better than checking out. 
  • Without realizing, the deliberate strategies of adults will help our children to reimagine the time spent with the other parent.  Before you know it, a new co-parenting norm is accepted because it is thoughtfully established. 
  • My observation is that once we are interacting with those people we love – who do not reside with us – we tend to relax our covid-prevention stance.  As co-parents, it is important to be careful not to do that with our children; unless tested, we cannot be sure of our status, etc.

It doesn’t matter your parenting background, every adult I have encountered/heard of, etc. is finding this a challenging time.  What I do know, too, is that the children are finding it quite the task to process all the changes that this situation has created.  It is, therefore, the responsibility of the co-parents to put on their adult undies and “solutionize” the heck out of this, because this will be with us for a while; no one knows for how long.

Evidently, this post does not provide an exhaustive list on how to operate in every single parenting situation, because the age of the child will determine how the co-parents operate.  The idea is to encourage parents to be strategic and deliberate in our efforts to ensure that our presence is felt in our children’s lives and that the entire pandemic parenting responsibility does not lie solely on one parent  – the effects of which are many, and for another post.

REMEMBER:  For our children’s sake, it is better to check in than to check out!

[1] https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/children/symptoms.html#:~:text=While%20fewer%20children%20have%20been,causes%20COVID%2D19%20to%20others.

Parenting through a Pandemic: A LESSON IN VENTURING OUT!

The pandemic and the ensuing infodemic have forced many of us to retreat, indefinitely.  However, we all know that as parents, we have had to reimagine everything about how we typically operate, if not for ourselves then for our children’s sake.  With this in mind and operating on the deliberate mandate I proposed in my last post, I was deliberate in my decision to leave the house. 

I decided to take the offspring to get a few small needed items that I knew would have put a smile on her face and lift her out of the mundane of online schooling and being at home AALLLL the time.  While the textbook introvert that I am would have been completely fine keeping the house colour and avoiding those who refuse to wear a mask, I was deliberate.  I was deliberate, because I knew that she needed to be outside and away from that space.  

So we set out, all masked (she was literally double masked) and wearing our face shields.  All’s well with us.  Before we left home, I was in the process of telling her that she didn’t need to wear two masks and the shield, but I quickly stopped myself, because I recognized that she, too, like many of us existing on this earth for way longer, experiences pandemic anxieties.  It is with this thought that I let it be and indicated that I was okay with whatever made her feel comfortable about venturing out.  And we are on our way, double-masked and shielded with a prayer and spray bottle of alcohol in hand.

I knew before leaving that our outing would have been a short one – just a few hours, because she had an online engagement later in the day.  Again, mattered not… we were out.  As we got that which was needed, we engaged in light chatter on the ride to our second to last stop.  She was in a better frame of mind; it was evident.  This made me glad.

Little did I know that this little trip of ours would have resulted in a lovely and profound lesson/reminder for us both.  During the ride she said, “Mommy, I have a question?”  

“ What’s up?”

“Should I feel bad, because I do not feel regretful about a decision that I have made.  A few of my friends think that I should…….” (redacted)

I paused and thought about her question for a short while, and then I said…

“absolutely not”.

I told her that many people do not learn the art of walking away from things (person, job, addiction, philosophy, etc) that do not serve them well until very late in life.  Some because they are just too afraid, some because they do not have the discipline, others because they are in an abusive (physical/mental, etc) situations and others for a myriad of reasons.  I told her that at 16, I applaud her for taking the stance to walk away from something that doesn’t suit her soul and that she should never feel badly for doing that – ever! 

She further explained that she felt great about her decision and wondered if this was okay, because she just didn’t feel badly….. 

I reminded her about how, when she was much younger, I would often drill in her the importance of setting standards on how people should treat her – her parents included.  She remembered how I would not let up on that.  I also used the opportunity to tell her that in those moments that she doesn’t follow through with “walking”, she should forgive herself, regroup and do what she needed to do when….

I again expressed my delight in her growth and the fact that she is learning these lessons at the age/stage that she is. We discussed very briefly one of my own situations in order to make the lesson more relatable and further reinforced the importance of knowing when and listening to that when and acting on that when. 

After all, when tells us when to….; we just don’t always listen to when.

So kudos to the offspring for learning this “when-to-walk-away” lesson soon!

Truthfully, I am yet to meet an adult – a parent (male or female) – myself included, who has not had a struggle with “when to….”, at some point.  Therefore, it is important having had those struggles ourselves to use our own struggles as learning tools for our children.  They are paying attention, even when we think they are not. 

Further, as much as the pandemic is forcing us into a new normal, we must insist on venturing out – changing the scenery, if only for a short while.  Go for a walk, take a ride – venture out.  It is from these little acts of getting up and going out that we often learn something more about our children and learn a little more about ourselves in this very challenging time.

Venturing out can help with reinforcing a lesson.

Parenting through the pandemic: a DELIBERATE effort at protecting our mental health.

There is no talking about the effects of the pandemic without talking about the mental health pandemonium that has ensued.  Parents everywhere are struggling mentally, and so are our children.  I am yet to come across a parent who has not had their own levels of stress or a breakdown of some kind.  For some, however, the stress is more nail-biting than it is for others. 

It is easier to give someone a bag of grocery or to make a small deposit to their account in order to alleviate some of their physical or financial needs during this very challenging time.  However, the matter of asking a person how they are REALLY doing, aside from their physical needs, is often overlooked.   More importantly, the matter of knowing exactly what to say or do or in which direction to point a person whose mental health is compromised, is a very daunting experience that many of us have not necessarily stored in our “how to” repertoire.

As the months have progressed and the challenges continue to intensify (for parents and children), we are now seeing that “mental health” has become the new buzz phrase.  In this case, it is not a fad.  The mental health concern is just as real and cripplingly damaging as its predecessor, Covid-19.  There is a reason for this.  We are simply not coping – parents and children alike!

The question that begs to be asked is, “how do we navigate our own mental health struggles to ensure that our children’s mental health is secure?”  

While I, like many mothers (parent) across the world, have felt the impact on my mental wellness, I have had to come up with very deliberate ways in which to cope.   I have also had to witness my own 16-year-old adjust her mindset as she struggles to understand and reimagine her life in the midst of this confusing newness.  She, too, based on interventions, has become very deliberate, and this makes me glad.

What the pandemic has thrust upon me is the fact that being deliberate is key to my own survival and, therefore, should not be taken lightly.  Aside from being deliberate about how we carry our bodies to protect ourselves from contracting this virus, we must also be very deliberate in how we approach our mental health.  The minute we awaken from our slumber, we must talk ourselves into being deliberate about protecting ourselves and our children – mind, body and soul.  Yes, clichés are sometimes necessary!  We have to be deliberate about paying attention to our children’s needs – not just what they eat, but what they process, mentally.  We have to be deliberate about listening to their silence as well as their actual words.  We have to be deliberate about the words that we choose when responding to their “feedback” or response to this new normal.  We have to be deliberate about pushing ourselves beyond that which we have been taught about mental health and strive for something positively different.  We have to be deliberate about learning coping strategies that will help us to help our children.  We have to be deliberate about utilizing those members in our village who are so inclined and who are able to offer the mental breaks necessary.  We have to be deliberate about stepping outside of our mental health belief system and utilize the services of a mental health professional who can help our children and help us too.  Essentially, every single day must be a deliberate effort. 

While I have had talks with my daughter about protecting her mental space, I find that as of late our talks about how to do this have increased.  At 16, she understands and have taken heed and has also been utilizing the services of a mental health professional who has given her additional tools. 

From my perspective, I see the lack of conversation with our children about protecting their mental health as a parenting gap.  Notwithstanding, I do believe that now is as good a time as any to incorporate this in the tools we provide our children in preparation for adulthood.  While the need is more immediate than adulthood for them, we now have the perfect opportunity to reimagine our parenting focus and be deliberate in our efforts in teaching our children how to protect their mental health as we strive to help them to survive – mind, body and soul!

I do understand that the level of mental health awareness is not the same for all, but that is just an excuse that I refuse to accept.  We have to be deliberate about helping others to help themselves and their children too.  I am very pleased that agencies such as United Nations, Centre for Disease Control and World Health Organization are doing a great job at pushing mental health forward as part of their covid-19 recovery mandate/efforts.  The global mental health reports, especially in our children, have become sinister.  Therefore, we need to handle this mental health treatment as a daily deliberate effort toward a greater good, and pay attention to the tips that these agencies are making available.

 The following are a few pointers that I have given to my daughter, and I will also throw in a few that her therapist has given to her:

  • Pay attention to your body, and take a break when you need to.
  • Create a source of release and utilize this source when required.
  • Listen to music or read a book (or do something that works for you)
  • Know when to say no, and say it!
  • Pray
  • Go for a walk or a drive out.
  • Allow your negative emotions to pass through you; do not let it sit with you for longer than it needs to.
  • Do not dwell on your future.
  • Exist in gratitude
  • Do not immerse yourself in daily pandemic news.
  • When you are not feeling at your best, do not be hard on yourself. 
  • Create time to REST.  Sleeping is different than resting. 

As we strive to navigate this new normal and recover, I invite you to share your own pointers that have served you well.

Blessings!

Parenting through a pandemic: my return!

What better time than now to reestablish my parenting blog while in the midst of a pandemic – something that I had never thought about happening – not in my lifetime.  Plus, what a time it is for us all – let alone mothers who must parent through a pandemic – not to mention those of us who are doing it as single parents – mom or dad.  By single parents I mean those of us who are solely responsible for the day to day care of our children, despite the other parent making (or not) contributions (financial or otherwise) to some of needs of the children.

But wait, did I just say PANDEMIC?!!

I am truly still operating in some disbelief that this happening.  While I have seen documentaries and have read about the Spanish flu, a pandemic was never something that I thought about happening, so I still cannot believe that this is real – that is our new normal, but it is.  For us parents, it is even more frightening to think of the many impacts as seen on TV and in the news as well as for those parents who are impacted first hand, while navigating that and trying to protect those in our care.  Who would have thought?  Who could have thought?!  To think it or not, the pandemic is here and will be for a while.  For how much longer?  No one truly knows.  But it is here!!

When the pandemic hit in March 2020, we were all scrambling for items such as toilet paper, water, food and other non-perishables.   In addition, we were also struggling keeping ourselves safe and locked away while trying understand what was happening.  It was frightening for us adults and for our children too. Now that we are fast approaching a year since it first hit and have seen its many effects, our concerns have evolved from stock-piling toilet paper to include other major concerns such as, education, health care, child care, mental health care, nutrition, finances, housing, job security, recreation (to name a few).  Even though these concerns would have existed before, they are now compounded by our current dilemma, making these things even more difficult to attain for many. 

What are we to do, as parents – as single parents.  How do we help ourselves so that we can help our children to cope?  How do we make use of the village that we may have established, when our village is clueless too? Parents are afraid and confused, and so are our children.  What do we do?  How do we cope?  Where do we turn? 

So, my intention, from here on, is to discuss everything pandemic, from a parenting perspective – a single parenting perspective – as well as from a teenager’s perspective (my daughter) and try to provide possible solutions/recommendations/tips, etc. on how to navigate the elements involved while parenting through a pandemic!!

Operating on a full tank of faith…

ImageForgive me followers/supporters, for it has been approximately two years since my last blog post. LOL…  My reason for this time lapse is simple on the one hand and not so simple on the other hand.  Superficially, I have been preoccupied with life; and fundamentally, I didn’t feel like writing because the things I REALLy want to write about, I didn’t feel quite ready to do so – I operate on the mantra that “if I can’t be honest, I won’t write”.  You see, I often say to myself, people are not quite prepared for what I have to say, but if I am to be completely honest, it is I who was not truly ready to be honest, so I took that long pregnant pause… waiting for the right time to give birth to that fearless writer I admire in so many great writers of my time and way back then…

That being said, I am once again feeling the blogging bug! Thanks to a number of friends, who have taken up blogging.  For me, I always felt that I have a story to tell, because my life has been, to say the very least, very interesting.  I feel like a survivor, and I feel like I understand life at a certain level – not at the typical, “I understand life”… but like I really understand.

Approximately two years ago, I made my last post… not sure what it was about, but it was about parenting, since that is the avenue through which I have decided to share.  I stopped writing right around the time I decided to go back to school – grad school to be specific.  Wow!  When I look at that journey, it really boggles the mind how I made it through to this point – the point to which all I have to complete is my research.  AMAZING!!! Truthfully, I could not have made it through without faith – and boy was I operating on a full tank of faith with the help of friends and family who have had my back.  This has been one of my most challenging journeys, and one that I am happy to have gone through, because I have gained a new found perspective on having FAITH and believing in self.

Tough is an understatement, but I am happy to say that I am still pushing through.  As for parenting through the back to school process… HA!  Lord have mercy.   As a single mother operating on a very tight mental and financial budget, the road has been rough.  I think about the days when I had to rush home to prepare dinner and ensure that home work was done; listen to my daughter talk about the child at school who did something to her or that teacher who was rough on her or her talk about her headaches and me trying to figure out how to fix all these issues and get to school by 6:00 p.m. For those who really know me, you know when I am in class, I must derive optimum benefits, so active participation is a must – tired or not! Thank you Jesus for my villagers!  My mother would leave her job and get to me by 6:00 and I would be in class by 6:10 the latest, because I live close to the Unversity I attend.   God knows what he was doing when he made me find this place a couple years ago, because Lord knows that if I were still living an hour and a half  from work/school, I do not know how grad school would have been possible.

A lot has suffered through this journey (both my personal life and my parenting), but my daughter has been a troop.  I made no apologies when it became routine for me to leave my class each night at around 7:58 p.m. to take a call; classes ended at 9:00 p.m. and my daughter’s bed time was 8:00 p.m.  My daughter called me every night to say her prayer and for me to tell her good night ….this she did every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday/Thursday for the last year and half.  So much so that my classmates/lecturers expected it… even when I had a presentation, she would call me earlier (because according to her, “mommy I can’t sleep if I don’t say my prayers and tell you goodnight”) and I facilitated that – no matter what!  So while some things suffered, I found ways to still fulfill my parenting responsibilities.  There were days when I was so mentally drained with literally no money in my pocket, but  I was operating on a full tank of faith, and so I pulled through.    Now I am literally winding down, and I feel soooo tired.

Lately I find myself operating on “go slow” and was being hard on myself, because I still have my research to complete.  I just couldn’t understand why I was dragging my feet with resubmitting my research proposal, when all I had to do was make a few corrections and resubmit it for it to given to my supervisor (since I had already passed).   I finally handed it in four days after the fact.  A close friend of mine, when I was being hard on myself, said, “Stacey, you have been going at it really hard for the last decade… cut yourself some slack… you are entitled to operate on go-slow…..”   When she said that it hit me that I HAVE been going non-stop….emotionally and otherwise.   So, I did just that – I cut myself some slack.

Today, as I sit and ponder about my life (personal and parenting), it occurred to me that I have not a darn thing to worry about.  I am reaching for that same full tank of faith I operated on when I applied to and was accepted into grad school (without having a dime)… that same full tank of faith that took me  through many sleepless nights doing assignments and preparing for presentations and exams… that same full tank of faith that made me pass EVERYTHING without a single fail… that same full tank of faith that provided for me when “water was more than flour”… that same full tank of faith that provided me the needed strength to deal with my daughter and her medical complaints, etc…. I am operating today on that full tank of faith that was recently restored by reading blog posts by fellow bloggers, Maya Deer –Troy, Tessa Barry and Michelle Coffee Scott, all of whom spoke about faith from different ends of the spectrum.

I am writing this totally from my heart, so the lesson in this post is to reach for something else bigger than you when “you” appear to not be enough… for me it was my full tank of faith … it brought me to it and it brought me through it… and while I am not done yet, I am still holding on to it….  As parents (single and otherwise), we must sometimes “cut ourselves some slack” – give yourself a break!  The same is to be applied to everyone else who is not yet a parent.  Find that thing greater than yourself and hold on to it when you feel like you can’t make it another day, and “cut yourself some slack”.

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

NamaStacey!

Miss Meddle

I told myself when I just started this blog that I would stay as far away as possible from anything that would bring to the fore anything that was going on in my personal life as it relates to the “parenting apart” process.  I do not like to wash my dirty laundry in public, especially when it connects to my child.  I want to shield her from the know – the what is – for as long as I am able to.  Truth is children are a lot smarter than we think and INVARIABLY they will know “what time of the day it is”.

As you all have known by now, my daughter is 8 (and a half).   She is a very smart child who asks a lot of questions – too many questions if you ask me (naah… just kidding).  Truthfully, I have always encouraged her to speak her mind – from as long as she could speak.  I’ve always told her that she should NEVER be afraid to say how she feels; and so, she does.

Her daddy has been away now for a year, and she misses him terribly; and she is NOT afraid of expressing this to me.  There are days and weeks when she is okay, and then there is another time when she just misses him, and there is nothing I can do to quell her heartache – NOTHING – at THAT moment.  In spite of all the drama (putting it mildly) that have occurred (between him and me), I have always encouraged/facilitated her having a close relationship with her dad.  As I ALWAYS say, “my love for my child supersedes any negative emotion I have had…”(for him).  So whatever it takes, I will ALWAYS ensure that she feels his presence even if he resides/studies in Timbuktu.

The issue I am having, though, is the meddlesome, antagonistic, passive-aggressive relative (of his) who makes it her point of duty to ensure she spits negativity about/to me EVERY opportunity she gets.  The truth is, I have ignored her for the most part, but there are times when you must help people to stay in their rightful lanes.  I have never really interacted with this person outside of her sending me nasty emails whenever I have had issues with the father of my baby girl; she has to say something even when it has nothing to do with her (which it never does)….

The connection to my daughter missing her daddy and this meddlesome one is that she sent me a text message recently that read:

“you are doing something WRONG. (the)child should have adjusted by now.  Know 8 years old and younger who adjust quicker to parents absence sometimes both parents.”

So instead of offering some positive feedback as to how I could possibly deal with baby girl missing her daddy, that’s the text message I got.  Now, one would think that a mother of four who has been a mother for longer than I have would have something to say that would shed some positive light on the situation.  This has pretty much been how this lady has been toward me for almost a decade, without even knowing me.  So now, I am to be blamed for her missing him.  It has to be because of me why she misses her dad.  Are you kidding me?

My observation is that women are women’s worst enemies. Dog nyam u suppa if a meddlesome, antagonistic, passive aggressive woman has it out for you.

Why do we make each other’s lives a living hell?  I am open to any suggestions about how I can help my daughter to get over him being gone (just not from her).  But my questions to my readers are:

  • Isn’t she supposed to miss her daddy?
  • Is there a time that she should be “over” him being gone to the point where she doesn’t express it in tears?

honestly, as far as i see it, she is SUPPOSED to miss her father.  If grown women can miss their men when they are gone  and bawl like babies almost every night, why can’t my child.  Usually the ones who don’t miss their men are the ones who have replaced him…. so should i find a replacement daddy? is this what Miss Meddlesome is alluding to?   As much as I ignore miss meddlesome, there are times that I must place her back in her lane, because Lord knows that parenting in and of itself is hard, yet alone having to add an antagonistic sibling of the baby daddy to the mix.

Whew!!!

One would think that the primary objective for ALL would be ensuring that the AFFECTED CHILD is assisted in a way that helps her to “adjust”.  NO SUCH LUCK!!!

Whew!!!

Parenting apart woes do add to making the parenting process a little harder.  Didn’t everyone get the memo that if you love the child you should never try to stress the mother? …suggestions/comments welcomed.

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

Happy and Gay!

Within the ambits of my adult friend and company circle, I am quite verbose and uninhibited about my beliefs/acceptance of others and the choices that we make concerning who we chose to “love”.  But, I must admit that within my parenting confines, I do struggle to explain to my daughter why men and women are allowed to marry/be in relationships with the same sex.

As accepting as I am of the choices that others make (once it doesn’t harm another), I do not know how to explain this to an eight year old who sees images of these alternative lifestyle being portrayed everywhere she turns.  It’s not like I can let her live in a bubble until she is “of age”; that, to me, is ludicrous!  I cannot avoid these images, as they are everywhere! And I cannot, indefinitely, avoid answering my very inquisitive child.

What I do explain to her is that she should not judge people and to treat everyone the way she would want to be treated, and all that jazz.  I even go as far as to embed in her that people should be allowed to be themselves, but I still do not know what to say to her when she asks questions like:

  • “Mommy, why did that man just say he has a boyfriend?”
  • “How come Ellen has a wife?”
  • “Why did that little girl say she has two dads…?”
  • “Why are those two men/women holding hands, etc. as if they are boyfriend and girlfriend?”

I know that I cannot continue to pussyfoot around the question for much longer, because soon the answer will become quite evident to her, especially because “mamma aint raising no fool”.  The problem is, I would really like to be able to explain to her in a manner that I think is conducive to my objective as her parent, but have stumbled upon a road block!  What I will not do, however, is to teach her out to “bun out the chi chi man” or anything of that nature.

I think I am fearful that giving her this kind of information too quickly will present her with an “option” rather than leaving well enough alone and have the natural progression taking place when she becomes of that age.

I do believe that there are things that happen with all of us that science/ The Bible does not sufficiently explain/rationalize so I am very careful not to judge, but Lord knows that I am stuck where this is concerned.  God be with us all!

Helpful comments/suggestions welcomed.

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

Extra… but in a good way!

So I was packing for my daughter’s weekend away from me; and if you know me, you know that I am a stickler for packing all that is needed in preparation for eventuality.  Well I know she would only be gone from Friday to Sunday, but you never know… right?

Well, so there I was going through my usual – meticulously placing everything I believe she would need, and then some… so my daughter, sitting on the edge of the bed watching me in all my packing glory, says to me, like only she could, “mommy, you are so extra… but in a good way….”  Of course, I burst out laughing, because I know exactly what she means. She went on to explain exactly what she meant when she further stated that I always packed everything that she needed for her “trips”.

My “extraness” is not limited to weekend “excursions”, since whenever I prepare for her to go out for even an evening, I always ensure that she has a little handbag with her, which usually contains a rag, a snack, a change of underwear, water, toilet paper, and wipes and sometimes a change of top (depending on the outfit), a notepad and pencil and lip gloss (depending on the size of the bag).  For the most part, she always returns with the underwear and the change of top unused, but everything else is always needed.

But the interesting thing in all this is that she, too, has developed this so-called “extraness” that I have displayed.  On several occasions, I have observed her packing her bag to go out (for the day), and she ensures that everything I mentioned earlier is in her bag.  Plus, she reminds me to put enough of everything in her bag “just in case something happens” she says.

I believe that every little girl should always be prepared – for eventualities.  It is even more important for them to be prepared when they hit the age/stage of puberty, which we all know happen, to some, earlier than the norm.  Pretty soon, her bag will include an additional item (Lord have mercy!) But also important is her rag, her toilet paper and her wipes…aint nuttn extra bout dat. Do you know how many times I have been to the public rest room and there is no tissue, etc.  Who has the time to bother with the inconvenience of having to ask a perfect stranger for a piece of tissue, etc.  Not I!

A couple months ago, I went to a party, and I needed to pee.  When I got to the rest room, there was a long line of women standing with legs crossed waiting to use the toilet.  Guess what?  There was no toilet paper.  And guess who had toilet paper in her bag?  I did!  And guess who was asking me for a piece of my toilet paper?  Perfect strangers were! CASE IN POINT! I have many more stories of people asking me for other needed sanitary items…but I have made my point sufficiently….

So the next time someone tells you that you are “extra” for preparing your children for eventuality, tell them that you are extra, but in a good way, especially if they are not carrying “the load” on their backs…. lololol

When our babies become adults, they too will be “extra, but in a good way”; after all, we are their teachers…

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting