PARENTING, ADVOCACY AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN

I told myself when I just started this blog that I would stay as far away as possible from anything that would bring to the fore anything that was going on in my personal life as it relates to the “parenting apart” process.  I do not like to wash my dirty laundry in public, especially when it connects to my child.  I want to shield her from the know – the what is – for as long as I am able to.  Truth is children are a lot smarter than we think and INVARIABLY they will know “what time of the day it is”.

As you all have known by now, my daughter is 8 (and a half).   She is a very smart child who asks a lot of questions – too many questions if you ask me (naah… just kidding).  Truthfully, I have always encouraged her to speak her mind – from as long as she could speak.  I’ve always told her that she should NEVER be afraid to say how she feels; and so, she does.

Her daddy has been away now for a year, and she misses him terribly; and she is NOT afraid of expressing this to me.  There are days and weeks when she is okay, and then there is another time when she just misses him, and there is nothing I can do to quell her heartache – NOTHING – at THAT moment.  In spite of all the drama (putting it mildly) that have occurred (between him and me), I have always encouraged/facilitated her having a close relationship with her dad.  As I ALWAYS say, “my love for my child supersedes any negative emotion I have had…”(for him).  So whatever it takes, I will ALWAYS ensure that she feels his presence even if he resides/studies in Timbuktu.

The issue I am having, though, is the meddlesome, antagonistic, passive-aggressive relative (of his) who makes it her point of duty to ensure she spits negativity about/to me EVERY opportunity she gets.  The truth is, I have ignored her for the most part, but there are times when you must help people to stay in their rightful lanes.  I have never really interacted with this person outside of her sending me nasty emails whenever I have had issues with the father of my baby girl; she has to say something even when it has nothing to do with her (which it never does)….

The connection to my daughter missing her daddy and this meddlesome one is that she sent me a text message recently that read:

“you are doing something WRONG. (the)child should have adjusted by now.  Know 8 years old and younger who adjust quicker to parents absence sometimes both parents.”

So instead of offering some positive feedback as to how I could possibly deal with baby girl missing her daddy, that’s the text message I got.  Now, one would think that a mother of four who has been a mother for longer than I have would have something to say that would shed some positive light on the situation.  This has pretty much been how this lady has been toward me for almost a decade, without even knowing me.  So now, I am to be blamed for her missing him.  It has to be because of me why she misses her dad.  Are you kidding me?

My observation is that women are women’s worst enemies. Dog nyam u suppa if a meddlesome, antagonistic, passive aggressive woman has it out for you.

Why do we make each other’s lives a living hell?  I am open to any suggestions about how I can help my daughter to get over him being gone (just not from her).  But my questions to my readers are:

• Isn’t she supposed to miss her daddy?
• Is there a time that she should be “over” him being gone to the point where she doesn’t express it in tears?

honestly, as far as i see it, she is SUPPOSED to miss her father.  If grown women can miss their men when they are gone  and bawl like babies almost every night, why can’t my child.  Usually the ones who don’t miss their men are the ones who have replaced him…. so should i find a replacement daddy? is this what Miss Meddlesome is alluding to?   As much as I ignore miss meddlesome, there are times that I must place her back in her lane, because Lord knows that parenting in and of itself is hard, yet alone having to add an antagonistic sibling of the baby daddy to the mix.

Whew!!!

One would think that the primary objective for ALL would be ensuring that the AFFECTED CHILD is assisted in a way that helps her to “adjust”.  NO SUCH LUCK!!!

Whew!!!

Parenting apart woes do add to making the parenting process a little harder.  Didn’t everyone get the memo that if you love the child you should never try to stress the mother? …suggestions/comments welcomed.

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

Within the ambits of my adult friend and company circle, I am quite verbose and uninhibited about my beliefs/acceptance of others and the choices that we make concerning who we chose to “love”.  But, I must admit that within my parenting confines, I do struggle to explain to my daughter why men and women are allowed to marry/be in relationships with the same sex.

As accepting as I am of the choices that others make (once it doesn’t harm another), I do not know how to explain this to an eight year old who sees images of these alternative lifestyle being portrayed everywhere she turns.  It’s not like I can let her live in a bubble until she is “of age”; that, to me, is ludicrous!  I cannot avoid these images, as they are everywhere! And I cannot, indefinitely, avoid answering my very inquisitive child.

What I do explain to her is that she should not judge people and to treat everyone the way she would want to be treated, and all that jazz.  I even go as far as to embed in her that people should be allowed to be themselves, but I still do not know what to say to her when she asks questions like:

• “Mommy, why did that man just say he has a boyfriend?”
• “How come Ellen has a wife?”
• “Why did that little girl say she has two dads…?”
• “Why are those two men/women holding hands, etc. as if they are boyfriend and girlfriend?”

I know that I cannot continue to pussyfoot around the question for much longer, because soon the answer will become quite evident to her, especially because “mamma aint raising no fool”.  The problem is, I would really like to be able to explain to her in a manner that I think is conducive to my objective as her parent, but have stumbled upon a road block!  What I will not do, however, is to teach her out to “bun out the chi chi man” or anything of that nature.

I think I am fearful that giving her this kind of information too quickly will present her with an “option” rather than leaving well enough alone and have the natural progression taking place when she becomes of that age.

I do believe that there are things that happen with all of us that science/ The Bible does not sufficiently explain/rationalize so I am very careful not to judge, but Lord knows that I am stuck where this is concerned.  God be with us all!

Helpful comments/suggestions welcomed.

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

So I was packing for my daughter’s weekend away from me; and if you know me, you know that I am a stickler for packing all that is needed in preparation for eventuality.  Well I know she would only be gone from Friday to Sunday, but you never know… right?

Well, so there I was going through my usual – meticulously placing everything I believe she would need, and then some… so my daughter, sitting on the edge of the bed watching me in all my packing glory, says to me, like only she could, “mommy, you are so extra… but in a good way….”  Of course, I burst out laughing, because I know exactly what she means. She went on to explain exactly what she meant when she further stated that I always packed everything that she needed for her “trips”.

My “extraness” is not limited to weekend “excursions”, since whenever I prepare for her to go out for even an evening, I always ensure that she has a little handbag with her, which usually contains a rag, a snack, a change of underwear, water, toilet paper, and wipes and sometimes a change of top (depending on the outfit), a notepad and pencil and lip gloss (depending on the size of the bag).  For the most part, she always returns with the underwear and the change of top unused, but everything else is always needed.

But the interesting thing in all this is that she, too, has developed this so-called “extraness” that I have displayed.  On several occasions, I have observed her packing her bag to go out (for the day), and she ensures that everything I mentioned earlier is in her bag.  Plus, she reminds me to put enough of everything in her bag “just in case something happens” she says.

I believe that every little girl should always be prepared – for eventualities.  It is even more important for them to be prepared when they hit the age/stage of puberty, which we all know happen, to some, earlier than the norm.  Pretty soon, her bag will include an additional item (Lord have mercy!) But also important is her rag, her toilet paper and her wipes…aint nuttn extra bout dat. Do you know how many times I have been to the public rest room and there is no tissue, etc.  Who has the time to bother with the inconvenience of having to ask a perfect stranger for a piece of tissue, etc.  Not I!

A couple months ago, I went to a party, and I needed to pee.  When I got to the rest room, there was a long line of women standing with legs crossed waiting to use the toilet.  Guess what?  There was no toilet paper.  And guess who had toilet paper in her bag?  I did!  And guess who was asking me for a piece of my toilet paper?  Perfect strangers were! CASE IN POINT! I have many more stories of people asking me for other needed sanitary items…but I have made my point sufficiently….

So the next time someone tells you that you are “extra” for preparing your children for eventuality, tell them that you are extra, but in a good way, especially if they are not carrying “the load” on their backs…. lololol

When our babies become adults, they too will be “extra, but in a good way”; after all, we are their teachers…

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting

My daughter enjoys when her hair is being washed and really doesn’t like when her hair is dirty.  in fact, there are times when she will insist that I wash it on days when it is not yet time to do so – she REALLY loves the end product. The only problem is that there is usually tons of screaming and writhing that take place after the actual washing of the hair has occurred.

Lord knows I have tried almost every possible hair care product/technique there is to try to eliminate/lessen the pain she experiences during the drying/de-tangling/combing process, but I have still not found a product that significantly helps in this regard, nor have I mastered that art (of minimizing the hair-combing pain).  It has gotten to the point where I literally have to numb my emotions in order to comb her hair….

she kicks and screams (well not literally) that her scalp hurts, etc. Try as I do, the crying doesn’t stop until the hair combing has ended… then she smile and tells me she loves her hair…

If there is anyone (mother or father) out there who knows of a product, which has been tried, tested and proven to work on very thick hair, please lemme know…Also, if there is any technique that any of you believe will work, to eliminate the “pain and suffering”, feel free to pass them on, so that I this hair-combing feat will not be as traumatic experience as my daughter has indicated it is!

Blessings to y’all!

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

The thing about parenting is that it has very little to no bearing on what’s going on with the parent – parenting is a process that continues, no matter what.  It doesn’t wait around – at least not longer than what it requires for you to have your “cookie and milk” moment.  How you choose to parent – now that’s another story – but you are a parent even after your child is grown and feels like he/she no longer require parenting.

I say this to say that life has so many different challenges which adults (parents) must face on a day to day basis; to help us with these challenges are a myriad of self-help tools created by “gurus”, who have designed a multiplicity of exciting and not so exciting techniques to help us make it through each day.  I find, however, that, as hard as we do try, we don’t always reach for the right tools at the right time.  Apparently, life can be way simpler than these tools and books that these gurus have “manufactured” to help us function as human beings, but more specifically as parents – parents who experience so many other interactions that have some degree of impact on how/when we parent.

Lately, I have been preoccupied with the idea of forgiveness and the role it plays in my life as a parent.  The questions I have been asking myself and those close to me are do we really TRULY forgive, when we say we do?  Do we really know what it is to forgive in the first place?

Approximately one year ago,  I suffered the end of a friendship with someone I considered a close family member; someone with whom I shared the core of me; a “friendship” that lasted 10 years.  To say the least, the pain from this WAS like no other pain I had ever suffered, and I was literally bewildered by the extent of what had happened.  That being said, while I have been able to function since, and have restored some amount of order in my head space, I am not totally myself since this devastating blow.  It has been a VERY difficult thing to deal with, in the sense that I have allowed it to affect how I relate to the many other amazing people in my life – people who are loyal and true. Even though I harbor no hate toward this person, I cannot imagine speaking to them ever again.  The thing that troubles me is that I don’t even care to.

Thus, the question I ask myself is, “have you truly forgiven that person?”

What does this have to do with parenting you might ask?  A lot – that’s my answer; In fact, more than I will delve into with this particular post.  In any event…

How can I be teaching my daughter to forgive if I don’t know how to truly forgive?

The issue of forgiveness is also important because I do buy into the argument that forgiveness is not about the other person, it is more about the individual doing the forgiving; and I want my honey bun to always make the right choices in this regard.

Many of you may recall a couple posts ago that my daughter went through a series of being bullied and how devastated it made her.  It had gotten so bad that she didn’t want to go back to school, and rightly so!   Long story short: today, however, my daughter harbors no ill will, and has, from all indications, forgiven – totally forgiven – the children who have been guilty of causing her unbearable heartache.  The reports she gives in more recent times are reports of her being kind to them (and them her), and I have witnessed her being very kind and pleasant to them.  In fact, she is, for the most part, back to her “normal” self – she is now “cool” with them.  In other words, she has forgiven (the bullies).

While I am generally proud of the human being she is and is on her way to being, in that specific moment, I was in awe of her and admired her resilience and tenacity and willingness to forgive.  Now, some of you gurus may argue that she forgives this easily because she is a child and is experiencing her experiences with innocence… well, while that may be true, she still has forgiven, and that is the point I am trying to make.  She has forgiven because I have been instilling in her the importance of forgiveness. She has forgiven, because she is still a baby who forgets quickly – a baby who doesn’t know how to “hold it against you”.  Do we lose our ability to really forgive once been contaminated by the evils of the world – aka ADULTHOOD aka LIFE?!

Am I a hypocrite, because I, unlike my daughter, have NO interest in saying hello and “being cool” to the one who hurt me?  Even though I harbor no ill will and have 93% gotten over the hurt, have I truly forgiven?  As a parent, do I need to practice EVERYTHING that I preach in order to be a “good” mom?

As adults we always think that we know it all, because we have “seen” it all; but we can learn from our children.  Life can be a lot simpler than we make it.  My grandmother would say “young bud (bird) nuh know storm”; that is true, yes, but sometimes all it requires for us to have a better day is to practice the art of forgiveness – true forgiveness – just like the “young buds” that we are parenting. If only it were that easy huh?

The truth is, after the storm has cleared and the dust has settled, this will have been something that happened once upon a time. I do relish my experiences (good and bad), because of the lessons that I take from each experience.  So honestly speaking, I wouldn’t trade any of my “heart breaks” … older and wiser – a beautiful thing that is!  If nothing else, these adult experiences (pains and pleasures) make for great life’s lessons to pass on to my daughter.

In the meantime, I still aspire to be like my daughter…. think about it… there IS a lot we can learn from our children….

Peace be with you as we uncover and confront the truth about parenting….

Ever had one of those moments at the end of a long hard day when you feel totally drained and “out of it”? A day when you’ve had a long work day that started at 5:30 a.m. and ended at 9:00 p.m., and then came home to get your child ready for school the next day?  A day when you’ve had to deal with relatives of the X who brings nothing but strife and stress, and you are completely drained that you just want to escape into the land of NOTHINGNESS – where everything is peaceful and quiet?  Well, I have!! In fact, I have had many of these.

When this happens, I usually retreat to that special seat in my apartment and sip on an ice cold glass of milk with a pack of my favorite cookies. For me, this is my safe haven – this is my cookie and milk moment; a moment that belongs to me, and no one else is invited to partake.

This heavenly moment does not happen until I have ensured that my daughter is securely tucked in, and is in very deep slumber, because honestly, I DO NOT WANT TO BE DISTURBED – I do not want to hear the voice of a child – NOT EVEN MY OWN!

I was having a discussion with my best friend, who has four children and a wife, and he informed me that the “Cookie and milk” moment is not practical and not possible, once you have a family.  Of course, in my world, I can’t imagine not being able to go through life without a moment to myself – a moment that belongs to me – a moment when I am left alone with my thoughts about NOTHING and my favorite snack – my “Cookie and milk moment”.

For me, the idea of the cookie and milk moment means that moment in your day when you take a break from everyone just so you can be with you.  It is that moment when you stop the madness and you do something for you that you enjoy.  It doesn’t have to be something as elaborate as going to the spa and getting a massage, a manicure or a pedicure.  It can be as simple as putting the kid(s) off, turning off your cell phones, and watching your favorite movie while you sip on your favorite hot drink and think about NOTHING!  While it would be great for your moment to last as long as two hours, this may not be your reality.   If all your life allows you are fifteen minutes – let that time count!

The cookie and milk moment doesn’t work unless you do it by yourself and for yourself.  The movie, Love Jones, is one of my favorite movies of all time; so from time to time, when baby girl is out cold, I put in that DVD and just watch the movie (for the 1000^th) time.  I free my mind of everything that made my day crazy and I think about nothing other than the characters in the movie.  During this alone time, I grab my ice cold glass of milk with my “police buttons” (cookie) and I indulge WITHOUT APOLOGY.

The benefits of the cookie and milk moments are obvious, as far as I am concerned.  This moment, helps you to breathe, especially in those times when day appeared harder than the others, and prepares you for the next day. The trick to making the moment yours – really yours – is not using this moment to think about the bills or the empty bank account.  The moment should be used to embrace yourself – to love on you – to appreciate you – to think on nothing – to just free your mind and be THANKFUL!

Your cookie and milk can be anything that you like snacking on – that favorite snack that takes you back to your childhood – the time in your life when you were carefree.  For those of you whose childhood was not so wonderful, your cookie and milk can be something that you  discovered in your adult life that you love to snack on – that snack that you don’t necessarily like to share (wink wink).

If you have never had a moment to yourself, try it to day.  Everyone deserves a cookie and milk moment of their own.  Your kids will be happy in the morning, when you have awakened nice and renewed – mind, body and soul.  What is your cookie and milk moment – make time for it today.  You will be happy you did!

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

Blessings!

It is an age old problem that men and women continue to have.  Guy meets girl – they fall in love/lust; they get together; they have baby(ies)… they no longer get along…they hate each other, then they break up.  Regardless of the nature of the breakup, one thing is for sure, they must co-parent – there is a child(ren) in the mix who requires that both parents come together and parent with the child’s best interest at heart/in mind.  At the very least, that is what should happen – ideally.

In an ideal world both mommy and daddy should put all those unhealthy and disruptive emotions aside in order to provide the best care possible to the child.  Usually, it is the woman who automatically has primary “custody” of this child, which invariably means that the bulk of the parenting responsibility rests on her shoulders.  These responsibilities include everything (and anything) from providing emotional support to ensuring that proper care, in every form, is provided.

Having observed and spoken to several mothers, myself included,  (especially in parenting apart scenarios) I have come to the conclusion that fathers, for the most part believe that the onus is on the woman to ensure that all the needs of the child – those needs at home and outside of the homes, rest on the woman.  It is believed that in order to be classified a “good woman/mother”, one must be able to, without murmur of any kind, carry the bulk of the responsibility.

Apparently hair-combing, clothes washing, food-cooking, lunch-packing, supermarketing, tear-drying, story-reading, homework-monitoring, test-preparing, problem-solving, esteem-building, and the list goes on, do not qualify as work; and mothers, despite having full time jobs, should ensure that every other needs of the child(ren) are being met.  God forbid that she forgets to do one or two items on the inexhaustible parenting list, she is labeled a “bad mother”.

Whatever adult “foolishness” we are accusing each other of, the issue of providing “equally” for these children who fall victim to our “separation” woes is a major one.   How much monetary contribution the mother deserves is a question/topic that many men have bitterly discussed, once the separation takes effect.  For many, the dollar amount is determined based on a number of variables too many to mention, but let me take a jab at a few:

• The level of respect he has for the mother
• What the new woman dictates
• The brain capacity of the man to separate the welfare of the child from the emotional attachment to the mother;
• Affordability
• The level of hate/love he continues to harbor for the mother

My research/observation reveals that many men (in parenting apart situations) who are no longer with the mother of their children are hardly concerned with how much it takes – REALLY takes to care for a child.  It reveals, also, that men are hardly concerned with the work that goes into creating the “final product”, but are concerned mostly about how the child looks when they are being picked up by daddy once in a blue moon (or every other weekend) to go on outings “with the family”.  If clothes, for whatever reason, appear “not up to standard” or the hair not neatly groomed because mommy was too tired, then mommy isn’t a good mother.

Too often than not, the emotions that we feel for each other, good or bad, as parents, are what propel our actions, or the lack thereof, toward our children.  Instead of focusing on how we feel about each other and what went wrong in the “relationship” or whether or not we like each other, it would make sense to rise above that and come together as two people who are working toward the good of the child(ren).  What does it take to sit with your child’s mother/father and pen the exact dollar amount that it takes to raise a child in the way that both parents want the child to be raised? A lot, apparently!!  Apparently, we are not evolved enough as human beings to rise above our “disdain” and focus on the children. Also, it is the fear of many of our men that mommy will take the money to care for herself (do hair, nails; buy shoes, etc.).  God forbid that she should take a “mickle” from your “muckle” to put toward a pair of shoes for herself – the cardinal sin she will have committed.  Whatever the case, this is where a discussion is required to determine what it really takes – what is enough – exactly HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?  Many of the mothers I have spoken with and have observed, myself included, would rather go naked/hungry than to deprive their children of that which is essential.

That being said; the truth is, everything takes money, and the assumption/argument should never be that the “mother should make it “work” – that she should just make do with what you, the father, have decided to “give” her to care for the child you both are responsible for parenting.   Having so many other things to deal with, “making it work” adds another notch to the parenting stress level, especially in light of the fact that she has ALL the other very critical and needed parenting roles that MUST be fulfilled.

I know that there are many women who do not require the “monetary assistance” from the father of the child.  Does this mean, therefore, that the monetary contribution should be minimal or non-existent?  It is very difficult to place a dollar value on all the work that a mother puts into caring for her child(ren), but that should be taken into consideration the next time a man makes the uninformed/unilateral decision on what is enough.

Enough of letting your emotions determine how much you provide.  Enough is enough once you both have had a conversation on what enough is.  A compromise must be made on the dollar amount; if at the end of the much needed discussion it is discovered that what you can truly afford is NOT enough. Let go of the bitterness of the break up and try to behave in a manner that fulfills the needs (ALL OF THEM) of the child.

For all those men who are NOT “guilty” and are fuming from this, there really is no need to fume as I am clearly not referring to those of you who actually care enough to ensure that enough is, in fact, enough.  For those of you who know that you could not care less, and have no interest in whether enough is enough – take heed! I dare you to!

As far as I see it, enough can be enough if you have given all you are truly able to give … where you fall short on the dollar amount, help out with the homework, the child’s laundry, the story-reading, the disciplining, or anything else that falls on the inexhaustible parenting list.  Enough of the adult crap, and let’s focus on what’s enough for our children….

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

@Stacey A Palmer 2012

It is so interesting that we have gotten to a place, as parents, where we can say with a straight face “I blame the TV…”

The audacity of us to even utter those words… it is almost hilarious – no, not ALMOST, it IS hilarious and a tad embarrassing.  It would be a complete and utter fallacy if I were to state that I had never uttered those words.  The truth is, I too, at some point or the other, have actually said this.  What a fool I was.  As with any other consumer product, we all have choices! We can choose what our children watch – what they fill their brains with.  We have the choice to turn off the TV or change the channel when the programmes do not suit what we are working hard at achieving.

When mothers get together, we talk.  We talk about homework; the development of our children; what they eat; how they behave and why.  I have actually engaged in discussions with a number of mothers (and fathers) on several different occasions where I have heard, in different settings that the Television is to be blamed for the types of behaviours that our children are exhibiting.

Can I just say right here and now that the TV is NOT to be blamed?  We become so consumed with the “madness” of our lives that the TV is used to quell so many of the “battles” we face.  When we come home from work tired and beat, and we need to prepare the dinner, what do we do?  On the weekend when we just need an hour or two of uninterrupted sleep, what do we do?  Do we turn off the TV when we go to sleep or when we want them to eat something we know is good for them, but they believe is “yucky”?  What do we do? We use the television as a bartering tool – as a way of getting them to eat; as a way of getting them out of our hair; as a way of distracting them, etc.  So instead of standing our grounds, we place our children before the TV and tell them they have until the end of “Sponge Bob”, etc. to finish the meal.

We battle on the phones with the “baby daddies”/”mommies” and the “live-in” boyfriend, friends, family members, etc., and we need the children out of the room, so we send them to the living room to watch I-Carly or any other “kiddies” programme that we have not sufficiently screened.

How, then, can we blame the TV when we control the remote?

Truthfully, we have sat with our children to watch some of these “children” programmes, so we know what they entail.  The fact that they are being broadcast on Disney doesn’t mean that they are necessarily entirely appropriate for our children.  While it is true that if our children consume these programmes on a daily basis they will adapt some of these behaviours as displayed on TV, ULTIMATELY the responsibility lies with the parent or guardian to prevent this happening.

My observation is that our children will do what we tell them!! It is true! No matter how they throw a tantrum, in the end, they really do NOT have a choice! If we tell them “No I Carly” or “No Ant Farm” and explain why, eventually they will get used to not watching these programmes.  There are many other “wholesome” programmes on TV that we can turn our backs and let them view.  Programmes that when we say “it’s the TV’s fault…” we can at least be proud (because of something good being exhibited) and not hold our heads in shame! And guess what?  We can also confiscate the remote once we have selected a programme.

Plus, if all else fail, we also have the option of ordering the type of package we want from our cable providers; OR, better yet, we can block certain channels.    So the next time you engage in conversation about the programmes on TV and their impact on our children, remember that the TV is not to be blamed.  After all, WE DO CONTROL THE REMOTE. We are parents who pay rent!

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

Blessing!

@ Stacey A Palmer 2012

My daughter has been going through a lot of changes lately; changes which affect her in many different ways – emotionally and physically – growing pains and then some. Added to that, there is the pressure of being in a class with very unkind 8 year olds, who at such early ages/stages, have mastered the art of being unkind to each other.

For the past couple of months she has been complaining that a certain little girl in her class is constantly being mean to her.  She calls her names; she tells members of her “clique” that they shouldn’t be friends with my daughter; she picks on her for everything, and she even went as far as to tell MY child that she is “black and ugly” as well to to call her “a very bad word”  (BITCH), because she would not allow her to skip the line, among other very cruel things, which have caused her to not want to go to school.  To listen to my daughter bawl because she was tired of being picked on by this child was heart-wrenching, to say the least.  The truth is, with all the positive affirmations and being constantly told that she is beautiful by every member of my “village”, school is  STILL very important to an eight year old.  They listen to each other and they take each other’s words/actions to heart!!!

Now, as a mother, it is my responsibility to protect my child from ALL harm at ALL times – a responsibility I take VERY seriously.  I know that within the school system, there are certain protocols that must be followed when dealing with situations of this nature.  So, I followed them, and have spoken with the counselor, teacher, and principal (in that order) over the course of the numerous complaints I have gotten from my child. Hopefully, the matter is being dealt with as was promised by the principal, who says she recognizes the issue of bullying as being problematic. Naturally, I am watching and waiting, but not for long, to see if this matter of the “mean little girl syndrome” will be dealt with VERY SOON….

That being said, as someone who doesn’t just see the surface of anything, I started thinking about our children and what it is that we are teaching them by our actions, or the lack thereof.  Are we so focused on providing the material things for them that we fail to see the importance of providing that which shapes/molds them into being human beings who care for each other?  When I listen to these little girls talk, it is more about who got what; where who went; how much money daddy/mommy has, etc.  It is hardly ever about caring and sharing and loving each other.  At ages 7/8 our little girls and boys understand what it is to “hate” each other, and they understand, fully, how to execute that hate.  The shade of their skin and the length of their hair form very critical aspects in determining who befriends whom, and it is A SAD STATE OF AFFAIR if, as parents, we think this is ALRIGHT!

How do we prevent our children from bullying each other?  I have noted that bullies are not necessarily big and powerful in size…. Apparently kids bully when they believe they are “better” than another child – when they think they are “richer”, prettier, and more popular than the next child.  Where do they learn these behaviors?  Are we creating bullies or were they just born this way?

Clearly, there is something to be said about what we (parents/guardians) are doing or not doing that causes them to behave in this way.  The way we speak on the phone about each other could be something that is being channeled in their minds.  The way we talk to/about our spouses (ex) in front of our children could also be behaviours that are being patterned when they get to the classroom.  For those of you who have “helpers”, it could be how you talk to/about the people who are cleaning your homes and washing your clothes, etc. that make these children believe that it is okay to treat each other accordingly.  Our children could also be observing the way we talk to the lady who cooks the lunch at their school or even the people who clean the classroom… or the security guard who maintains order in the parking lot of their school.  So, if a classmate does not fit into the “type of people” we positively respond to, they BULLY! By our actions, it is what we are showing them – it is what they know.   Children who bully are mean, unkind and selfish – and they don’t know better.  How can they, if we don’t show them better?

As parents, we have the responsibility to our children and the wider society to correct ANY bullying tendencies we may observe in our children… Do not pretend the bullying problem away…. ABSOLUTELY no one is exempt from a bullied child acting out in a way that causes permanent harm….We see it happening everyday across the world!

We usually know if our children are bullies, so let us fix it!  There is a fundamental difference between teaching our children to assert themselves and teaching them to be bullies.  Apart from parents playing their part, schools also have a responsibility of exercising a standard of ZERO TOLERANCE to bullying.  It shouldn’t matter one hoot who the bully’s parent is or how much resources that parent is brining into the school.

Put an end to bullying before it is too late for EVERYONE INVOLVED!  In the long run, your child will have appreciated you more for the “discipline” you would have imparted.

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

@ Stacey A Palmer 2012