PARENTING, ADVOCACY AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN

My daughter enjoys when her hair is being washed and really doesn’t like when her hair is dirty.  in fact, there are times when she will insist that I wash it on days when it is not yet time to do so – she REALLY loves the end product. The only problem is that there is usually tons of screaming and writhing that take place after the actual washing of the hair has occurred.

Lord knows I have tried almost every possible hair care product/technique there is to try to eliminate/lessen the pain she experiences during the drying/de-tangling/combing process, but I have still not found a product that significantly helps in this regard, nor have I mastered that art (of minimizing the hair-combing pain).  It has gotten to the point where I literally have to numb my emotions in order to comb her hair….

she kicks and screams (well not literally) that her scalp hurts, etc. Try as I do, the crying doesn’t stop until the hair combing has ended… then she smile and tells me she loves her hair…

If there is anyone (mother or father) out there who knows of a product, which has been tried, tested and proven to work on very thick hair, please lemme know…Also, if there is any technique that any of you believe will work, to eliminate the “pain and suffering”, feel free to pass them on, so that I this hair-combing feat will not be as traumatic experience as my daughter has indicated it is!

Blessings to y’all!

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

The thing about parenting is that it has very little to no bearing on what’s going on with the parent – parenting is a process that continues, no matter what.  It doesn’t wait around – at least not longer than what it requires for you to have your “cookie and milk” moment.  How you choose to parent – now that’s another story – but you are a parent even after your child is grown and feels like he/she no longer require parenting.

I say this to say that life has so many different challenges which adults (parents) must face on a day to day basis; to help us with these challenges are a myriad of self-help tools created by “gurus”, who have designed a multiplicity of exciting and not so exciting techniques to help us make it through each day.  I find, however, that, as hard as we do try, we don’t always reach for the right tools at the right time.  Apparently, life can be way simpler than these tools and books that these gurus have “manufactured” to help us function as human beings, but more specifically as parents – parents who experience so many other interactions that have some degree of impact on how/when we parent.

Lately, I have been preoccupied with the idea of forgiveness and the role it plays in my life as a parent.  The questions I have been asking myself and those close to me are do we really TRULY forgive, when we say we do?  Do we really know what it is to forgive in the first place?

Approximately one year ago,  I suffered the end of a friendship with someone I considered a close family member; someone with whom I shared the core of me; a “friendship” that lasted 10 years.  To say the least, the pain from this WAS like no other pain I had ever suffered, and I was literally bewildered by the extent of what had happened.  That being said, while I have been able to function since, and have restored some amount of order in my head space, I am not totally myself since this devastating blow.  It has been a VERY difficult thing to deal with, in the sense that I have allowed it to affect how I relate to the many other amazing people in my life – people who are loyal and true. Even though I harbor no hate toward this person, I cannot imagine speaking to them ever again.  The thing that troubles me is that I don’t even care to.

Thus, the question I ask myself is, “have you truly forgiven that person?”

What does this have to do with parenting you might ask?  A lot – that’s my answer; In fact, more than I will delve into with this particular post.  In any event…

How can I be teaching my daughter to forgive if I don’t know how to truly forgive?

The issue of forgiveness is also important because I do buy into the argument that forgiveness is not about the other person, it is more about the individual doing the forgiving; and I want my honey bun to always make the right choices in this regard.

Many of you may recall a couple posts ago that my daughter went through a series of being bullied and how devastated it made her.  It had gotten so bad that she didn’t want to go back to school, and rightly so!   Long story short: today, however, my daughter harbors no ill will, and has, from all indications, forgiven – totally forgiven – the children who have been guilty of causing her unbearable heartache.  The reports she gives in more recent times are reports of her being kind to them (and them her), and I have witnessed her being very kind and pleasant to them.  In fact, she is, for the most part, back to her “normal” self – she is now “cool” with them.  In other words, she has forgiven (the bullies).

While I am generally proud of the human being she is and is on her way to being, in that specific moment, I was in awe of her and admired her resilience and tenacity and willingness to forgive.  Now, some of you gurus may argue that she forgives this easily because she is a child and is experiencing her experiences with innocence… well, while that may be true, she still has forgiven, and that is the point I am trying to make.  She has forgiven because I have been instilling in her the importance of forgiveness. She has forgiven, because she is still a baby who forgets quickly – a baby who doesn’t know how to “hold it against you”.  Do we lose our ability to really forgive once been contaminated by the evils of the world – aka ADULTHOOD aka LIFE?!

Am I a hypocrite, because I, unlike my daughter, have NO interest in saying hello and “being cool” to the one who hurt me?  Even though I harbor no ill will and have 93% gotten over the hurt, have I truly forgiven?  As a parent, do I need to practice EVERYTHING that I preach in order to be a “good” mom?

As adults we always think that we know it all, because we have “seen” it all; but we can learn from our children.  Life can be a lot simpler than we make it.  My grandmother would say “young bud (bird) nuh know storm”; that is true, yes, but sometimes all it requires for us to have a better day is to practice the art of forgiveness – true forgiveness – just like the “young buds” that we are parenting. If only it were that easy huh?

The truth is, after the storm has cleared and the dust has settled, this will have been something that happened once upon a time. I do relish my experiences (good and bad), because of the lessons that I take from each experience.  So honestly speaking, I wouldn’t trade any of my “heart breaks” … older and wiser – a beautiful thing that is!  If nothing else, these adult experiences (pains and pleasures) make for great life’s lessons to pass on to my daughter.

In the meantime, I still aspire to be like my daughter…. think about it… there IS a lot we can learn from our children….

Peace be with you as we uncover and confront the truth about parenting….

Ever had one of those moments at the end of a long hard day when you feel totally drained and “out of it”? A day when you’ve had a long work day that started at 5:30 a.m. and ended at 9:00 p.m., and then came home to get your child ready for school the next day?  A day when you’ve had to deal with relatives of the X who brings nothing but strife and stress, and you are completely drained that you just want to escape into the land of NOTHINGNESS – where everything is peaceful and quiet?  Well, I have!! In fact, I have had many of these.

When this happens, I usually retreat to that special seat in my apartment and sip on an ice cold glass of milk with a pack of my favorite cookies. For me, this is my safe haven – this is my cookie and milk moment; a moment that belongs to me, and no one else is invited to partake.

This heavenly moment does not happen until I have ensured that my daughter is securely tucked in, and is in very deep slumber, because honestly, I DO NOT WANT TO BE DISTURBED – I do not want to hear the voice of a child – NOT EVEN MY OWN!

I was having a discussion with my best friend, who has four children and a wife, and he informed me that the “Cookie and milk” moment is not practical and not possible, once you have a family.  Of course, in my world, I can’t imagine not being able to go through life without a moment to myself – a moment that belongs to me – a moment when I am left alone with my thoughts about NOTHING and my favorite snack – my “Cookie and milk moment”.

For me, the idea of the cookie and milk moment means that moment in your day when you take a break from everyone just so you can be with you.  It is that moment when you stop the madness and you do something for you that you enjoy.  It doesn’t have to be something as elaborate as going to the spa and getting a massage, a manicure or a pedicure.  It can be as simple as putting the kid(s) off, turning off your cell phones, and watching your favorite movie while you sip on your favorite hot drink and think about NOTHING!  While it would be great for your moment to last as long as two hours, this may not be your reality.   If all your life allows you are fifteen minutes – let that time count!

The cookie and milk moment doesn’t work unless you do it by yourself and for yourself.  The movie, Love Jones, is one of my favorite movies of all time; so from time to time, when baby girl is out cold, I put in that DVD and just watch the movie (for the 1000^th) time.  I free my mind of everything that made my day crazy and I think about nothing other than the characters in the movie.  During this alone time, I grab my ice cold glass of milk with my “police buttons” (cookie) and I indulge WITHOUT APOLOGY.

The benefits of the cookie and milk moments are obvious, as far as I am concerned.  This moment, helps you to breathe, especially in those times when day appeared harder than the others, and prepares you for the next day. The trick to making the moment yours – really yours – is not using this moment to think about the bills or the empty bank account.  The moment should be used to embrace yourself – to love on you – to appreciate you – to think on nothing – to just free your mind and be THANKFUL!

Your cookie and milk can be anything that you like snacking on – that favorite snack that takes you back to your childhood – the time in your life when you were carefree.  For those of you whose childhood was not so wonderful, your cookie and milk can be something that you  discovered in your adult life that you love to snack on – that snack that you don’t necessarily like to share (wink wink).

If you have never had a moment to yourself, try it to day.  Everyone deserves a cookie and milk moment of their own.  Your kids will be happy in the morning, when you have awakened nice and renewed – mind, body and soul.  What is your cookie and milk moment – make time for it today.  You will be happy you did!

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

Blessings!

It is an age old problem that men and women continue to have.  Guy meets girl – they fall in love/lust; they get together; they have baby(ies)… they no longer get along…they hate each other, then they break up.  Regardless of the nature of the breakup, one thing is for sure, they must co-parent – there is a child(ren) in the mix who requires that both parents come together and parent with the child’s best interest at heart/in mind.  At the very least, that is what should happen – ideally.

In an ideal world both mommy and daddy should put all those unhealthy and disruptive emotions aside in order to provide the best care possible to the child.  Usually, it is the woman who automatically has primary “custody” of this child, which invariably means that the bulk of the parenting responsibility rests on her shoulders.  These responsibilities include everything (and anything) from providing emotional support to ensuring that proper care, in every form, is provided.

Having observed and spoken to several mothers, myself included,  (especially in parenting apart scenarios) I have come to the conclusion that fathers, for the most part believe that the onus is on the woman to ensure that all the needs of the child – those needs at home and outside of the homes, rest on the woman.  It is believed that in order to be classified a “good woman/mother”, one must be able to, without murmur of any kind, carry the bulk of the responsibility.

Apparently hair-combing, clothes washing, food-cooking, lunch-packing, supermarketing, tear-drying, story-reading, homework-monitoring, test-preparing, problem-solving, esteem-building, and the list goes on, do not qualify as work; and mothers, despite having full time jobs, should ensure that every other needs of the child(ren) are being met.  God forbid that she forgets to do one or two items on the inexhaustible parenting list, she is labeled a “bad mother”.

Whatever adult “foolishness” we are accusing each other of, the issue of providing “equally” for these children who fall victim to our “separation” woes is a major one.   How much monetary contribution the mother deserves is a question/topic that many men have bitterly discussed, once the separation takes effect.  For many, the dollar amount is determined based on a number of variables too many to mention, but let me take a jab at a few:

• The level of respect he has for the mother
• What the new woman dictates
• The brain capacity of the man to separate the welfare of the child from the emotional attachment to the mother;
• Affordability
• The level of hate/love he continues to harbor for the mother

My research/observation reveals that many men (in parenting apart situations) who are no longer with the mother of their children are hardly concerned with how much it takes – REALLY takes to care for a child.  It reveals, also, that men are hardly concerned with the work that goes into creating the “final product”, but are concerned mostly about how the child looks when they are being picked up by daddy once in a blue moon (or every other weekend) to go on outings “with the family”.  If clothes, for whatever reason, appear “not up to standard” or the hair not neatly groomed because mommy was too tired, then mommy isn’t a good mother.

Too often than not, the emotions that we feel for each other, good or bad, as parents, are what propel our actions, or the lack thereof, toward our children.  Instead of focusing on how we feel about each other and what went wrong in the “relationship” or whether or not we like each other, it would make sense to rise above that and come together as two people who are working toward the good of the child(ren).  What does it take to sit with your child’s mother/father and pen the exact dollar amount that it takes to raise a child in the way that both parents want the child to be raised? A lot, apparently!!  Apparently, we are not evolved enough as human beings to rise above our “disdain” and focus on the children. Also, it is the fear of many of our men that mommy will take the money to care for herself (do hair, nails; buy shoes, etc.).  God forbid that she should take a “mickle” from your “muckle” to put toward a pair of shoes for herself – the cardinal sin she will have committed.  Whatever the case, this is where a discussion is required to determine what it really takes – what is enough – exactly HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?  Many of the mothers I have spoken with and have observed, myself included, would rather go naked/hungry than to deprive their children of that which is essential.

That being said; the truth is, everything takes money, and the assumption/argument should never be that the “mother should make it “work” – that she should just make do with what you, the father, have decided to “give” her to care for the child you both are responsible for parenting.   Having so many other things to deal with, “making it work” adds another notch to the parenting stress level, especially in light of the fact that she has ALL the other very critical and needed parenting roles that MUST be fulfilled.

I know that there are many women who do not require the “monetary assistance” from the father of the child.  Does this mean, therefore, that the monetary contribution should be minimal or non-existent?  It is very difficult to place a dollar value on all the work that a mother puts into caring for her child(ren), but that should be taken into consideration the next time a man makes the uninformed/unilateral decision on what is enough.

Enough of letting your emotions determine how much you provide.  Enough is enough once you both have had a conversation on what enough is.  A compromise must be made on the dollar amount; if at the end of the much needed discussion it is discovered that what you can truly afford is NOT enough. Let go of the bitterness of the break up and try to behave in a manner that fulfills the needs (ALL OF THEM) of the child.

For all those men who are NOT “guilty” and are fuming from this, there really is no need to fume as I am clearly not referring to those of you who actually care enough to ensure that enough is, in fact, enough.  For those of you who know that you could not care less, and have no interest in whether enough is enough – take heed! I dare you to!

As far as I see it, enough can be enough if you have given all you are truly able to give … where you fall short on the dollar amount, help out with the homework, the child’s laundry, the story-reading, the disciplining, or anything else that falls on the inexhaustible parenting list.  Enough of the adult crap, and let’s focus on what’s enough for our children….

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

@Stacey A Palmer 2012

It is so interesting that we have gotten to a place, as parents, where we can say with a straight face “I blame the TV…”

The audacity of us to even utter those words… it is almost hilarious – no, not ALMOST, it IS hilarious and a tad embarrassing.  It would be a complete and utter fallacy if I were to state that I had never uttered those words.  The truth is, I too, at some point or the other, have actually said this.  What a fool I was.  As with any other consumer product, we all have choices! We can choose what our children watch – what they fill their brains with.  We have the choice to turn off the TV or change the channel when the programmes do not suit what we are working hard at achieving.

When mothers get together, we talk.  We talk about homework; the development of our children; what they eat; how they behave and why.  I have actually engaged in discussions with a number of mothers (and fathers) on several different occasions where I have heard, in different settings that the Television is to be blamed for the types of behaviours that our children are exhibiting.

Can I just say right here and now that the TV is NOT to be blamed?  We become so consumed with the “madness” of our lives that the TV is used to quell so many of the “battles” we face.  When we come home from work tired and beat, and we need to prepare the dinner, what do we do?  On the weekend when we just need an hour or two of uninterrupted sleep, what do we do?  Do we turn off the TV when we go to sleep or when we want them to eat something we know is good for them, but they believe is “yucky”?  What do we do? We use the television as a bartering tool – as a way of getting them to eat; as a way of getting them out of our hair; as a way of distracting them, etc.  So instead of standing our grounds, we place our children before the TV and tell them they have until the end of “Sponge Bob”, etc. to finish the meal.

We battle on the phones with the “baby daddies”/”mommies” and the “live-in” boyfriend, friends, family members, etc., and we need the children out of the room, so we send them to the living room to watch I-Carly or any other “kiddies” programme that we have not sufficiently screened.

How, then, can we blame the TV when we control the remote?

Truthfully, we have sat with our children to watch some of these “children” programmes, so we know what they entail.  The fact that they are being broadcast on Disney doesn’t mean that they are necessarily entirely appropriate for our children.  While it is true that if our children consume these programmes on a daily basis they will adapt some of these behaviours as displayed on TV, ULTIMATELY the responsibility lies with the parent or guardian to prevent this happening.

My observation is that our children will do what we tell them!! It is true! No matter how they throw a tantrum, in the end, they really do NOT have a choice! If we tell them “No I Carly” or “No Ant Farm” and explain why, eventually they will get used to not watching these programmes.  There are many other “wholesome” programmes on TV that we can turn our backs and let them view.  Programmes that when we say “it’s the TV’s fault…” we can at least be proud (because of something good being exhibited) and not hold our heads in shame! And guess what?  We can also confiscate the remote once we have selected a programme.

Plus, if all else fail, we also have the option of ordering the type of package we want from our cable providers; OR, better yet, we can block certain channels.    So the next time you engage in conversation about the programmes on TV and their impact on our children, remember that the TV is not to be blamed.  After all, WE DO CONTROL THE REMOTE. We are parents who pay rent!

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

Blessing!

@ Stacey A Palmer 2012

My daughter has been going through a lot of changes lately; changes which affect her in many different ways – emotionally and physically – growing pains and then some. Added to that, there is the pressure of being in a class with very unkind 8 year olds, who at such early ages/stages, have mastered the art of being unkind to each other.

For the past couple of months she has been complaining that a certain little girl in her class is constantly being mean to her.  She calls her names; she tells members of her “clique” that they shouldn’t be friends with my daughter; she picks on her for everything, and she even went as far as to tell MY child that she is “black and ugly” as well to to call her “a very bad word”  (BITCH), because she would not allow her to skip the line, among other very cruel things, which have caused her to not want to go to school.  To listen to my daughter bawl because she was tired of being picked on by this child was heart-wrenching, to say the least.  The truth is, with all the positive affirmations and being constantly told that she is beautiful by every member of my “village”, school is  STILL very important to an eight year old.  They listen to each other and they take each other’s words/actions to heart!!!

Now, as a mother, it is my responsibility to protect my child from ALL harm at ALL times – a responsibility I take VERY seriously.  I know that within the school system, there are certain protocols that must be followed when dealing with situations of this nature.  So, I followed them, and have spoken with the counselor, teacher, and principal (in that order) over the course of the numerous complaints I have gotten from my child. Hopefully, the matter is being dealt with as was promised by the principal, who says she recognizes the issue of bullying as being problematic. Naturally, I am watching and waiting, but not for long, to see if this matter of the “mean little girl syndrome” will be dealt with VERY SOON….

That being said, as someone who doesn’t just see the surface of anything, I started thinking about our children and what it is that we are teaching them by our actions, or the lack thereof.  Are we so focused on providing the material things for them that we fail to see the importance of providing that which shapes/molds them into being human beings who care for each other?  When I listen to these little girls talk, it is more about who got what; where who went; how much money daddy/mommy has, etc.  It is hardly ever about caring and sharing and loving each other.  At ages 7/8 our little girls and boys understand what it is to “hate” each other, and they understand, fully, how to execute that hate.  The shade of their skin and the length of their hair form very critical aspects in determining who befriends whom, and it is A SAD STATE OF AFFAIR if, as parents, we think this is ALRIGHT!

How do we prevent our children from bullying each other?  I have noted that bullies are not necessarily big and powerful in size…. Apparently kids bully when they believe they are “better” than another child – when they think they are “richer”, prettier, and more popular than the next child.  Where do they learn these behaviors?  Are we creating bullies or were they just born this way?

Clearly, there is something to be said about what we (parents/guardians) are doing or not doing that causes them to behave in this way.  The way we speak on the phone about each other could be something that is being channeled in their minds.  The way we talk to/about our spouses (ex) in front of our children could also be behaviours that are being patterned when they get to the classroom.  For those of you who have “helpers”, it could be how you talk to/about the people who are cleaning your homes and washing your clothes, etc. that make these children believe that it is okay to treat each other accordingly.  Our children could also be observing the way we talk to the lady who cooks the lunch at their school or even the people who clean the classroom… or the security guard who maintains order in the parking lot of their school.  So, if a classmate does not fit into the “type of people” we positively respond to, they BULLY! By our actions, it is what we are showing them – it is what they know.   Children who bully are mean, unkind and selfish – and they don’t know better.  How can they, if we don’t show them better?

As parents, we have the responsibility to our children and the wider society to correct ANY bullying tendencies we may observe in our children… Do not pretend the bullying problem away…. ABSOLUTELY no one is exempt from a bullied child acting out in a way that causes permanent harm….We see it happening everyday across the world!

We usually know if our children are bullies, so let us fix it!  There is a fundamental difference between teaching our children to assert themselves and teaching them to be bullies.  Apart from parents playing their part, schools also have a responsibility of exercising a standard of ZERO TOLERANCE to bullying.  It shouldn’t matter one hoot who the bully’s parent is or how much resources that parent is brining into the school.

Put an end to bullying before it is too late for EVERYONE INVOLVED!  In the long run, your child will have appreciated you more for the “discipline” you would have imparted.

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

@ Stacey A Palmer 2012

So the big Day was just here – the day when all the “loved” ones received expressions of love in many forms from their significant others.  It was also the day when loneliness, for many, was more pronounced than it ever was.

A very close friend of mine shared an experience she had while waiting in line to buy “supplies” at a very popular store in the area.  She shared with me that she observed a lady sitting while waiting to be served with her head in her hand.  The lady, she said, appeared sad, so my friend started making small talk with this lady in an effort to make her smile in the moment, at the very least.  Her attempts, however, proved futile, as the lady declared that she was lonely – that she had no one – no “Valentine”.  The man attending to them both came from behind the counter and gave the lady a hug, at which point, she started to cry, which came as a surprise to my friend and the man who offered the hug.  The man went on to tell her that whenever she needed a hug, he was there – that she had him, especially because he had observed her on several occasions, coming in and out of the store….

This story had me thinking about all the lonely people out there, specifically all the single mothers who have no one – to even offer a hug.  As single moms, we are constantly being asked the age old “romance” question – “So, who are you dating?”  God forbid that you are not dating anyone.  Something must be wrong with you… and the question that follows is “why are you not seeing anyone?”  Usually this question is asked by those people who are happy in love or someone who just wants to know what’s going on in your life.

As a “single” mother, I know for me dating is not as easy as 1-2-3, for more reasons than one.  I have been on a couple dates, but finding the right mate in light of my situation, proves harder than it appears.  Plus, I had not realized until very recently that I had become very complacent with being single. You see, it is not that single mothers do not want romance; it is just that many of us have to be careful the people we bring into our space.  We have to think long and hard before we decide if we are going to make that guy our “boyfriend”, because making him our boyfriend means inviting him into our homes where our children reside, which can be very very tricky, especially if you have not known this person for a while.

As important as being hugged and touched is for our children, so it is for single mothers.  It is very important for single mothers who spend most of their time with their children to have romance at some point or the other.  Many of us are so engulfed in our child’s life that we hardly find time for ourselves; and like the lady earlier, we do not realize how lonely we are until we are in the weirdest of places.  Being touched and hugged by someone (we like and want to reciprocate same) other than our babies is very important for sustaining our mental health – yes it is!

The way I see it, there is nothing wrong with dating (the single mom).  The child who is so used to seeing mommy at home all the time will have a problem with us going out with someone other than her/him.  So what? Still go out; the children will get over it… trust me… they will.  Go have a drink and allow the guy to hold your hands or hug/kiss you.  You will be pleasantly surprised at how you will feel afterwards.  One or two dates does not maketh a relationship, but give yourself that – one or two dates until the right one comes along!

On the flip side, the men who are interested in us, need to also understand that not all single moms are trying to find a father for their child(ren).  Just like the single man, the single mom needs romance too – to have our hands held, to be kissed and hugged by someone other than our children!  Being open to romance doesn’t mean being “open for business”….

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

Blessings!

I have never met a mother who has not worried about her child (at some point or another) – NEVER.  In fact, the worry, based on my observation, intensifies the older the child gets.

Mothers spend so much time on their knees praying/worrying about their children’s overall well-being:

• Will she/he do well in school?
• Will she/he find right partner
• Will she/he be successful?
• I hope she knows how to handle hurt
• I hope she gets a good job
• I want her to have genuine friends
• I pray that she/he is healthy
• I want to see him/her past the worst before I “go”

And the list goes on and on and on…

There are so many issues that our children go through on a daily basis.  Issues, it seems, that are somewhat different than the ones we went through during our childhood.  I am not saying that, as children, there weren’t  matters that bombarded our parents’ thought process and made them worry, but it just seems that the issues these days are so much more ridiculous, the more exposed we become to the “outside” world.

I, too, have had my many moments of sitting in wonderment worrying about my daughter.  I have, on many occasions, sat and watched her sleep in the middle of the night.  While she peacefully sleeps, I say a prayer for her (and all little girls like her) – praying for her strength, happiness, love, and everything else that represents good.  A mother’s job is never done is what I know to be true, because even when she is oblivious to the world and safely asleep, her total well-being preoccupies my every thought.

So, I recently remembered that a friend told me of a little girl whose mother wrote her list of what she called “daily affirmations”.  These affirmations were repeated on a daily basis from she was about 8 year old – affirmations which are still repeated today, now that she is a young adult.  This was basically a list of positive things that she would tell herself every day, when looking in the mirror – things that this little girl, who is now an adult, agrees helped her to become the self-assured lady she now thought herself to be.

Of course, me being the type of person who is not afraid to “borrow” something  (from someone in my extended “village”) that can only bring about some positive change, set out to write my daughter her own set of daily affirmations.  This is something that I felt needed to be done in light of everything that had been taking place in our little world, as well as in the general society.

I didn’t think it would make real sense if I wrote them independent of her, so we did it together, and now she has a list of about 20 what I will  also refer to as “positive reinforcements” that she says on an almost daily basis.  I say almost, because in my reality, there is ALWAYS a day or two when it just does not get done, for one reason or the other.

At no point during the creation of our list did I think it a bad or unnecessary thing to do, but certainly I thought it would have taken a while before things on the list became embedded in her psyche.  To my very pleasant surprise, a week after doing the affirmation on an almost daily basis, my daughter says to me, “Mom, it does work…. I treated ___________ the way I would want to be treated, and she was nice to me today…”

The point I am really trying to make by saying all this, is that while we know that worrying is a word that IS synonymous with mother, we can, in addition to praying, do something else.  We can arm our children with positive words; feed them with those words that will help them to be better human beings.  I do believe that if she continues to hear them, she will (like the young lady from whom I borrowed the idea) eventually believe the words that were created JUST FOR HER; thereby making her all those things that she tells herself on an almost daily basis.  It DOES, first, begin in the mind.

Although the parenting challenges are many, there is always something that we can do.  Do not, therefore, be afraid to try new things.

Write your child’s daily affirmations/positive reinforcements today – it’s the 8 glasses of water for the mind.

it is very important to point out, at this time, that if/when you forget to affirm this week/month, it is never too late to start again.

PS.  Sorry, but I will not be sharing the list, as it is somewhat unique to my daughter; plus, I MUST respect her privacy, etc.

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

Blessings!

After reading a news item about a mother who was denied bail for throwing hot water on her 12 year old son, because he came home in soiled school clothes, I was flabbergasted, to say the least. What could cause a mother to do this to her own child?  Although this is something inconceivable, to me, I quickly without judgment, began thinking about all the things that could possibly be going on with her that could have caused her mindset to be significantly “altered” to the point of NO RETURN!

I have spoken to so many mothers who are completely stressed: mothers who have very little or no support, one way or the other.  Some are okay financially but lack the emotional support necessary to effectively function in the parenting process; while others are finding it increasingly difficult to make “ends meet” and are basically living hand to mouth.

Lord knows I have had my share of being “too stressed to think”, so I completely understand how being this stressed can impact a woman’s ability to parent.  Too often, as mothers, we play the role of super woman, believing that we can and should play all roles at all times, when the truth is this, playing this role all the time can literally kill us.  Sometimes we need to take break from the routine. There are days when I feel like my head is going to split open, and I must zone everything and everyone out, including my child. When this happens, we must call upon members of the “village”.  As parents, we need to have a village of our own from which to draw strength/assistance when the going gets too tough.  The saying is true – “it takes a village to raise a child”.

I feel compelled, however, to point out that this village MUST never consist of all and sundry.  Unlike the physical “village” in which we reside (and have very little or no control over its members), it is of utmost importance that we select VERY carefully those people who become members (long term or short) of this parenting village.  Therefore, it is the responsibility to of the parent(s) to reject any “intervention” or assistance that does not “sit well” with us.  It is very critical that we understand that, even when we are very close to someone, we have to be careful the kind persons we expose our children to.  Too often, I have heard, when the “story breaks” that a parent is saying… “I didn’t follow my gut feeling…” in one situation or another – whether positively or negatively (but often to the detriment of the child).

Although there is absolutely no guarantee in life, parents should (because we have a responsibility to) as best as we can, ensure that our village consists of those people who will be able to make positive contributions to the parenting process.

Our village, can therefore, consist of (but not limited to):

TRUSTED friends and family members:  utilize those people who offer you genuine love and support and who are able to take some of the weight off your shoulders.  Be careful not to include those people you KNOW are not good for/with children.  In other words, being a family member or close friend does AUTOMATICALLY qualify a person to care for my child.  Sometimes the people we love are NOT the best caregivers nor do they possess the kind of values, etc. that we want to expose our children to. Thus, unsupervised visits/discussions, etc. are never allowed.  The person may feel hurt that you have not allowed them “in”, but our number one priority (as parents) is NEVER to protect an adult’s ego, but REMAINS ALWAYS to protect our children in every way, shape or form.  The fact of the matter is, while some of our friends are good for us, they are not always good for your children.

(TRUSTED) teacher/guidance counselor:  There are days when the issues at home and at school overlap, and I am not able to manage.  This is where I seek the expertise/guidance of someone trained.  Sad to say, but not all teachers are approachable nor have your child’s best interest at heart.  It is, therefore, key to develop a relationship with your child’s teacher(s) in order to keep abreast of changes (or the lack thereof) that’s going on with your child.  Too often, we are afraid of talking, but guidance counselors are there to assist – utilize their expertise.   The God’s honest truth is that our stories, as parents, are NOT unique – someone else has walked or IS walking in your shoes!

Other parents, etc.: There is nothing wrong with calling another parent and planning a play date with their child (and parent).  Get another parent’s number from your child’s class.   You can share recipes or verify homework…   This doesn’t mean you are trying to be friends – it just simply means you are being practical.  Because our stories are not unique (our struggles as parents are pretty much the same), I believe it is important to liaise with other parents.

RELEVANT books/tv shows, etc.:  I do NOT have all the answers to all the parenting issues that arise.  So I, from time to time, research these issues in an effort to find the best solution.  These may come in the form of a documentary, tv show, book/magazine, etc.  While I am not in agreement with everything that everyone says/writes, I do find the answers, many times hidden away in a book, etc.

PASSING STRANGER:  you have no idea how much you can learn from someone you have never met.  You can learn from a stranger, what to do and what NOT to do just by observing them in a parenting scenario.  Your village can consist of people who are passersby.  There is nothing wrong with listening and wading through information that you may find useful at some point or another in the parenting process.

While I ABSOLUTELY do not condone the abuse of a child, if we do not create and utilize our own little “parenting village”, we will snap, because we CANNOT and should not do it on our own.  Do not be afraid to ask for help when you need it.  I do not know the story of the mother above, but clearly she snapped somewhere/somehow.

It takes a village to raise a child, but choose your village wisely!

Peace be with you, as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.