“Your greatest joy from this life, and your greatest pain from this life – they both come from the same place: our human relationships are the source of our greatest joys and our greatest sorrows.”
Pastor Phillip Anthony Mitchell, 2026.
The extent to which our relationships thrive, or end is incumbent on our willingness to extend ourselves outside of our flesh – to operate minus the pride that keeps us in a sin chokehold and allow us to be held accountable for our relationship-ending blunders.
Some of us do not like to take responsibility and be held accountable for our actions, especially when it makes us “look bad” to others. Instead, there is one go-to that most will adapt before ever replacing the index finger with the thumb; that is, to ascribe blame elsewhere by using what I have long called the “lazy jealousy.” As I am writing this, I am realizing that “lazy jealousy” is more applicable to onlookers witnessing the demise of what once was a close relationship of any kind and accepted the “jealousy” narrative, but “dishonest jealousy” would be more suitable for the person refusing the responsibility and spouting the jealousy narrative and ascribing blame elsewhere.
While I do believe long-term observation is a valid premise on which to build an argument, I went in search. I found that people who do not accept responsibility (for their actions), do so for many reasons. These sources agreed that the refusal to take responsibility is a psychological defense mechanism built on several variables, of which I have listed the overarching:
- The fear of judgement from others: For many, being validated and affirmed by others is important, even more important than their connection to faith and being obedient to God. Like people rely on sleep to be able to function, some people rely on being liked and accepted, especially by a person(s) who carries social value. Anything that threatens/lessens their reputational currency will be sacrificed; therefore, accepting responsibility for causing someone harm (emotional or otherwise) and being held accountable will not occur.
- Taking responsibility was never modelled: This one is an easy see. If the people who raised us have never accepted responsibility for anything, then the likelihood of taking responsibility being second nature in our lives is minimal or non-existent.
3. A need for perfectionism or the presentation of it: We all know someone that we consider to be a bad person. One writer agreed that no one wants to be categorized as such. In this regard, this writer argues, taking responsibility forces us to see ourselves outside of the standard we have set for ourselves, so it is easy to simply not.
4. Pride: I watched an entire podcast that was dedicated to pride and its prevalence in the Church. The (We Need to Talk) podcast host and guest agreed that the disease of pride was eating away at the church community and was detestable to God. He also said more things about pride that I believe is applicable here:
- Pride blinds us and convinces us that what we have chosen was sufficient.
- we are so arrogant that we will continue to (let pride) cause collateral damage.
- Our pride is designed and meant to protect our image.”
A prideful person will never accept responsibility – at least not publicly – especially when it interferes with 1 & 3.
Let’s face it, social media platforms are inundated with jealousy quotes and taglines as being the reason for the demise of relationships: friendships, marriages and other intimate partner relationships, workplace interactions, parent/child relationships, etc. And people love them and are even guided by them in their everyday lives.
In fact, I don’t remember seeing a quote that points to a person taking responsibility for a relationship ending. If this exists, it has not gone viral. What we see is that everyone is jealous of everyone, and that is why relationships are ending.
Newsflash! Other valid reasons exist outside of the jealousy narrative:
- Sometimes, we no longer see eye to eye.
- Sometimes, we see something “better” that we want to be a part of, and we sabotage to move on.
- Other times, we were downright disloyal;
- Another time, we were unkind and didn’t consider the other person.
- From time to time, betrayal is the cause.
- Then, there is the time when the relationship has simply ran its course.
This is not to say that jealousy does not exist as a reason for an ending; this is to say that it is not always jealousy.
Is it even possible to stop giving jealousy a bad rap when jealousy is an easy and accessible alternative because:
- It is convenient and available.
- It’s the new fad – a tag line.
- It is easier to believe, especially if the person who was wronged has less currency (social or financial) than the offender.
- It takes the blame from the offender and places on to the other person
Don’t be so lazy though. Pray for spiritual discernment and genuinely pray for the parties involved then ask pertinent questions. The guidance of both parties relies on that.
The next time someone comes to you with the jealous narrative when a relationship has ended, do not be so quick to re-share/repost/believe. If you are that invested in the matter, maybe consider the alternative. Could it be something more sinister than the narration that the narrator is too ashamed or afraid to admit?
So many conflicts could be resolved if only one could admit, “it was me,” or even consider, “maybe it was me…” Instead, we have the end of marriages, the end of friendships, the end of parent child relationship, people walking off jobs they liked, or the disruption of a lucrative opportunity, etc. How do we get from this “maybe” consideration to an outward accountability expression?
Truth. And there is only one!
Though God, through His Word, instructs us to forgive, it is the most jarring ask to reconcile with someone who refuses to say, “yes, I did that and I am sorry.” Yes, it is more than possible to forgive someone even when they refuse to accept they did anything wrong. Forgiveness is more than the performance of it; it is also the required heart posture according Ephesians 4:32: And be ye kind one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you. For example, expression of love through actions: I still pray for you; I do not wish you to pay for what you did; I will assist you; however, the lack of accountability means the trust is dead.
Still, regardless of the pain impact that comes from a person not taking responsibility and misrepresenting the truth, we are called to forgive. One Pastor, in his quest to encourage believers, reminds us that we should “never let pain interfere with our sanctification process.” Forgiveness is first a decision, then it is an ongoing process. As such we must ensure that we are not harbouring ill will – that we have released (or are continuing to release) the person from the prison of our “righteous” anger or bitterness and then release ourselves of anger and bitterness, even if reconciliation is not in immediate sight.
Also, do not latch on to the repercussions of being called jealous. Ultimately, we must ensure that we are abiding by God’s Word to love each other and pray for those who despitefully use us, even when the false narrative is loud. In the meantime, let’s be TRUTHful about our role in an end. It is only the foundation of Truth that relationships can be restored. Let’s place jealousy in its rightful place, so that those who truly experience it can be delivered from it and lead the life that God intended.
The man-made sources indicate that it is impossible for a relationship to survive let alone thrive without mutual accountability. As I think about my personal relationship with God, I cannot imagine a “closer walk” without confession and repentance. I guess this is some way applicable to our earthly relationships. Can we truly have intimacy without accountability and turning away from treating each other poorly – and especially when the inflictions are ongoing? Maybe not, but we most can still operate in love.
I caution believers to understand that there are dire consequences of ascribing the lazy/dishonest jealousy on their sister, brother, former husband, wife, friend or coworker, etc, in their quest to save face due to pride or any of the other reasons presented. The havoc this could wreak is detrimental to the lives of those being misrepresented, especially if they have not yet accepted their identity in Christ. When you know whose and who you are, you have the capacity to “walk through the valley of the shadow of death and fear no evil.”
Obviously, I am not saying that jealousy should be allowed to wreak havoc elsewhere, because jealousy has no place in advancing the Kingdom except in role it plays in revealing who we not yet are on our way to being sanctified. Instead, I am saying accountability is an important feature of maintaining relationships, so it requires letting go of the convenience of laying blame elsewhere.
PARENTING, ADVOCACY AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN 