What Does It Profit a Man…?

In the middle of a group discussion some time ago, a gentleman whom I had known for a while happily announced that he was expecting a second child by another woman other than the mother of his first child.  He went on to proudly declare that he just could not deal with the first woman, because she was crazy (yaada yaada yaada)!!  Of course, I am sitting there looking at him and thinking to myself that this is what men do ALL the time.  I felt, of course, that he was talking about me – since I too, am a woman whose situation is similar to the woman with whom he had the first child (even though I had never met her), in the sense that the public declaration/justification for “leaving” was the same – I am crazy (and every other negative denotations that exist).  Being the me that I am, I was moved to say something to him regarding his announcement of her craziness, etc.  

Obviously, he is not unique in the way he negatively speaks about the mother of his first child; men have been doing that from as far back as I am able to read.  This re-presentation is very typical.  More often than not, it is the woman’s “fault” that the man has another woman/women with whom he is having his second, third, fourth and sometimes fifth child.  I find this AMUSING, to say the least; even though, there was a time when this would have, in some ways, been daunting.

Suffice it to say, I have wondered at length, having been through hell and back in a parenting apart situation, if men understand fully the repercussions of causing (undue) stress to the mother of the offspring they, often, broadcast (to all and sundry)  that they love and adore.  Is it that they are unable to make the link between the well-being of the primary care-giver and the ultimate well-being of their child(ren)?

If you are no longer with the woman, the mother of your child, and she is as crazy as you declare, why then, is it important for you to constantly speak about her and her “craziness”?  Shouldn’t your main aim be to ensure that your child is being cared for, financially, emotionally, etc.? Shouldn’t you, the sane one (man), ensure that your child is taken out of a crazy situation.  Who would really want their child to be raised by a crazy person?

The point I am making is that the focus, in situations where parents are no longer “together”, should never be on why you left the woman or how great the new woman is.  It should never be on causing pain and strife to the mother who is the primary caregiver of the child you “love and adore”.  The focus, at all times, should be on ensuring that this offspring is being cared for in such a way that fosters positive growth and development.  If a man wants to publicly declare his undying love for his new love, then that’s up to him, but it should NEVER interfere with the well-being of the child. I find it quite distasteful, hurtful, unnecessary and questionable, that a man would spend so much of his time degrading the mother of his child and not as much time ensuring that the child’s well-being is being attended to, which include everything from laundry to homework; from hair care to prayer at night; from story-reading to self-esteem building, etc.

The truth is, if this woman is as bad as you say she is, the child shouldn’t be in her care – plain and simple!

Children require so much more than a man’s financial contribution and his bitter tongue.  They require love, attention, pampering, discipline, stability, care, etc. They require a primary caregiver whose mental state is, for the most part, “uncompromised”, so that she can provide all these fundamental needs.  How can this happen if the man (the sane one) is causing her additional stress. 

A happy mom makes a happy child – everyone knows this! 

There is a correlation between the mental state of the mother and her ability to give the best care possible.  This is very obvious to me (and so many other mothers); so why does it appear that most men are unable to make that link.  Men and women have been parenting apart for forever.  None of us, who find ourselves in this situation, is unique.  It happens!  Relationships either work or they don’t.  We break up; then, we move on.  We must, however, parent together.  If you love your child, you cannot be a part of the problem – you MUST play a more integral role in the parenting solution.

Men need to understand the importance of ensuring that they are not a part of the parenting problems; especially because parenting, in and of itself, is such a mammoth task.  Let us, therefore, set aside all the emotions and act rationally for the betterment of these children with whom we have been blessed.

What does it profit a man to continually hurt the mother yet claim to love the child?  If you have nothing good to say, say nothing… it’s okay.  What you say is not a measure of your manhood; it is what you  do (for your children).  There is no need to denigrate the “old” woman in order to elevate the new one, especially when a child is involved.

Showing respect and care to the mother, doesn’t mean that you want to be with her – it’s okay!  While I am speaking to a specific scenario (parenting after a break up, etc., the same is true for parents who are still together).

Peace be with you as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting.

To BB or not to BB…

My (almost) eight year old daughter has been complaining lately that I spend too much time on my Blackberry.  She even went as far as to say, “I wish it would crash….”  (I kid you not!).   Of course, I was quick ask her why she would say such a thing; to which she retorted that I spend more time on my BB than I do her; which, let me hasten to say, is an exaggeration on her part.  With that being said, I started thinking about how attached/addicted we (parents) are to our Blackberries (and similar gadgets).  We will forget to pack our children’s favorite snack or even forget to deodorize our underarm, but we will NEVER leave home without our BB’s. 

I have observed many parents/guardians, etc. in different settings with children, and instead of engaging with the children in their charge, they can be seen BBing their lives away, to the chagrin of those little ones, who are sometimes afraid of voicing their disgust at this gadget that we, adults, seemingly CANNOT live without.  We BB in church, at school functions, during dinner, in the middle of a discussion, while cooking – we BB everywhere!

The truth is, at age 8, etc. a child doesn’t care that it’s cheaper to bb than to make a call; she doesn’t care that all emails are delivered to the phone, some of which are business-related – she doesn’t care that BBing is not all about play, etc.  None of that matters to our children.  Our children are observing us; they are learning from us.  All they see is the care and attention we place on these darn gadgets and how easily attached we become to them, and then they process this attachment accordingly.   What good can possibly come of this?  What do you think we are saying to them, by our actions? It is, therefore, our responsibility to ensure that the message we are sending to THEM (by way of our actions) is being transmitted in such a way that impacts positively on their upbringing/well-being.  They should never be made to feel that our BB’s are more important than they are (even if we know that this is not so). 

What could be so important all the time (all day) that can’t wait until a movie is finished or until we have had dinner?  What could be so important (all the time), that we must respond to a “PING” in the middle of a conversation we are having with our child?  It is hard to imagine that we once existed in a world where we did NOT need to know what was happening every minute of the day.  How many of us can actually survive for a day without our BBs? 

It is against this backdrop that I came to an agreement (with her):  no BBing during dinner; no BBing when I’m reading to her; No BBing whilst watching her favorite movie/tv show with her; and no BBing in the middle of a discussion.  Needless to say, she was super elated!!  This also means turning off the “ALERTS” so that the associated sounds do not interfere with the “bonding” process.  The sounds, even while being ignored, can still be viewed as “interrupters” by the children we are trying to raise, and to the messages we are trying to transmit (to them).

So I urge all of us (parents), let’s take time away from our Blackberries  – turn it off for a day, so that quality time REALLY is that – QUALITY TIME!  I dare you to take that challenge.  NO BBing TODAY!!!

Peace be with you, as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting!

Compartmentalized and All That Jazz!

Life is so weird and unpredictable…one minute you are up and the next minute you are down…you know you should be grateful for your “blessings”; still, you find yourself experiencing a sudden sense of blah and gloom. A sense of hopelessness that totally interferes with your routine, and then you find yourself stuck – unable to pick yourself up long enough to carry out your mundane…‎​You find yourself sinking deeper and deeper into the abyss of despair and you are comfortable there…well almost; until, almost like a “PING” of life, you hear a voice crying out…”Mom, where is my breakfast…can’t you see I’m starving…?” then, you are pushed back into your parenting reality – a reality that awaits nothing or no one.

What do you do then? You have no choice but to set aside your despondency – if even for the fifteen minutes it takes to prepare the breakfast of choice – to feed the child with whom you have been blessed….because you know then and there, in the moment of living up to your (aspired) title of “world’s greatest mom”, that the gloom can wait (it has to), but the hunger of a whining child can’t… What do you do when the pressure seems unbearable; when you feel like just sitting and staring at the wall, because you are too bombarded with everything that’s going on, at work and in your personal life, to even give one hoot about a child who comes crying about her friend that no longer wants to play with her because she says she is” too black” or anything else of equal importance?  You COMPARTMENTALIZE.  Now this is not as easy as it sounds.  In fact, it is one mammoth task.  But, I have come to find that, more than anything else, it involves a lot of self-talk and practice.  Sometimes, in the midst of it all, you literally have to say to yourself, “one thing has nothing to do with the other, because my child comes first…” then we do what so many moms do – we compartmentalize!

Compartmentalizing has become an automatic way of life for so many mothers/parents (single and otherwise).  We have learnt to box away one thing in order to deal with the next.  We cannot afford to allow our annoyance at our boss, disgust with our partner/ex, heartbreak from a betrayal, or lack of resources, to come in the way of our parenting…and as much as we would rather not parent during these times, we truly do NOT have a choice; because, as always, we find ourselves thinking about our “babies” (who are quick to tell us that they are no longer babies) – we find ourselves thinking, first, about their needs, so compartmentalize we must!

Compartmentalizing has worked for me, for the most part, because had I not, in many instances, I would have certainly lost “it” on the wrong person – my “baby” – and that, to me, is ABSOLUTELY not worth it, nor is it ok.  For me, it just means putting my everyday issues in their rightful places and dealing with them accordingly, so that it doesn’t affect the parenting process, as best as I possibly can.  Compartmentalizing means telling ourselves that this child has nothing to do with the “madness” that’s taking place in my life, as well as not taking it out on her… It means sitting together with your partner/ex/baby daddy/mamma/surrogate in front of your child’s teacher to discuss school-related matters as a united front, even when you are both not on speaking terms or after a huge fight, because you are fully aware that your child’s well-being is far more important than anything disdain you may have toward each other – THAT is the ULTIMATE level of compartmentalization that any parent can ever attain.  Can this be really done, you may ask?  Yes, it can be – it has been.  I have been there, so I KNOW!

For me, when I look at my daughter, I know that in the grand scheme of things, parenting her is what falls as top priority on my list of “things to do”, and I feel strongly that I owe it to her to honor that responsibility.  I look at her and I see someone who needs me; so I, from time to time, put my other issues in their different places in order to ensure that she is given the time, etc. that she needs.  I say “from time to time”, because there are days when I simply CANNOT compartmentalize. Those are the days when I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, and the weight is too much to bear.  This weight is something that is NOT unique to any one parent; and certainly not unique to me – we all experience this from time to time. THAT, to me is okay.  That is REALITY.  It’s okay to experience this… to make mistakes in the parenting process… to falter as parents; as long as our mistakes are corrected along the way.  After all, as far as I see it, we are all parents in training. Pick up the pieces, and try again.

When I snap, I quickly apologize and explain to her in a kid-friendly way that mommy doesn’t mean what was said, because mommy is having a bad day.  Usually this works; but NOT always.  This is when I start feeling like crap, because of the look on her face.  This look on her face is what reminds me to COMPARTMENTALIZE the next time around.

Because we are so human, as parents we do not always do the right thing and at the right time.  Sometimes, this compartmentalized issued is not as clear-cut as placing our INSURMOUNTABLE issues in their rightful places.  It is not so easy to box anything away when they appear at the fore of our minds. So we MUST self-talk until it is embedded in your psyche – practice does become perfect.

Be reminded, therefore, that the next time (and there will be many) you are faced with your issues in the middle of parenting a (whining/crying/sad/happy/angry, etc.) child, remember to compartmentalize…remember that it is NOT your “baby’s” fault.  Remember that in the grand scheme of things, your responsibility to your child’s overall care is what comes first; so, COMPARTMENTALIZE TODAY!

Peace be with you, as we strive to uncover and confront the truth about parenting!

Yuletide Parenting

Tis the season to be jolly…tis the season for giving…yaay yaay… we know this… this is what society continues to feed us…so we get it! We are supposed to be singing Christmas carols in the mornings as we rise and feeling a sense of love and inexplicable joy – all this should be automatic, because it is, after all, the Yuletide season.

It’s also the time of year when our children expect gifts, and it is the time of the year when parents feel the most pressured to live up to our children’s expectations.

So what do parents do if we are not jolly or couldn’t care less about the yuletide and its fa la la la la, but we know it’s not about us – that it is not about us and our gloom?  It’s about our little (and not so little)ones who have their hearts set on ripping apart that paper to see what “surprises” are in store.  My daughter spent so much time giving me hints about the many gifts that she wants this Christmas.  She’s been telling me lately that her doll needs a companion, as well as listing the many gadgets that all eight year old girls “need”.

What do we do when the pressure to ensure that everything that our children need – love, food, shelter, happiness, etc – sometimes clash with our mood/ability (the lack thereof) to provide everything while struggling to keep our happiness and festivity at the right level to ensure that our children experience that sense of joy that we experienced as children (whether or not we did when we were children)?

There are so many mothers (and fathers), who feel a heavy sense of gloom, for so many reasons: a sense of gloom that becomes magnified during “the season to be jolly”. It is even more difficult for single parents who have to do everything with and for the children, because there is no one to take the reign when the primary care giver feels like putting it down.  Single parents, in 2011, doesn’t necessarily mean single parent households, but in some cases it means doing it alone, despite having the other parent in the same household.

It is important for us, as parents seeking to find that extra parenting oomph during this yuletide season, to take the time to regroup, to replenish our mental state so that we can muster the right amount of fa la la la la that is needed to make it through this time.  The way I see it, our children should not be raised in a false sense of reality.  While I agree that children do not need to know everything that is going on with us as parents, they need to understand when mommy or daddy needs to take time away from everyone (including them) to make time for ourselves.  Children must understand that it is okay for moms (dads too) to feel sad from time to time, in spite of the Christmas joy that is being “spread” everywhere.  Parenting is one of the most difficult “jobs” anyone could ever have, if we decide to parent the way we should in order to raise well-adjusted, kind, loving, and honest children. Let me hasten to say that I am absolutely not against singing a happy song and doing a happy dance during this time, but as important as that is, it is equally important for parents, especially when our hands are full and our heads are bursting with our many parenting responsibilities, etc. to understand when we need to regroup in order to fulfill our INSURMOUNTABLE duties.

At the end of the day, the yuletide season lasts only for just that – a season.  Our parenting will have continued after the gifts no longer bring the excitement they did on Christmas morning and all the leftovers have been devoured.  Yuletide or not, parents don’t always feel like playing the role.  We won’t always feel like laughing when everyone else is, and that is okay. Sometimes mom feels like curling up in bed and eating from a bowl while everyone else is sitting nicely exchanging yuletide platitudes at the table well decorated with the food cooked by us.  That doesn’t mean that we don’t love our kids/family; it just simply means that we are regrouping when we feel the need to – even when it is NOT convenient for everyone else.  The fear for many of us, as moms, is that we are afraid of what the “others” will think, if we don’t show up at the table; so, like we always do, we sacrifice our mental state for the “greater good”.  When the truth is, if we explained our absence in a loving way to our children, it can make the world of a difference to our mental health and to their ultimate well-being.  Truth be told, if they don’t understand it now, they will process our “intermittent” absence from the “gathering” in a different way when they get older (young adults).  In the end, it will be better for all involved, as far as I am concerned.

Take my humble advise and do what needs to be done, no matter the time, if it means taking care of our mental health.  Fa la la la la can wait; sometimes regrouping CAN’T.  After all, if our mental health is screwed up, so will our children be, and the Yuletide seasons will mean nothing to anyone, at the end of the day! Façades don’t raise well-adjusted children.

As long as we create an environment that explains to our children that they are loved, etc. even though mommy/daddy are not in a celebratory mood, we will have  done the world of good, which will have ultimately benefited all involved, in the long run!

The fact is, life is not about how much you have on your table or how much gift you receive; it is about doing what’s best for us, as parents so that we can, in the final analysis, be the best parents we can be to our children.  REGROUP NOW, OR SUFFER LATER!  

Peace be with you, as we strive to uncover the truth about parenting!

Hello world!

I am a mother of one who, for many years, observed that people are afraid to admit many things that they experience as parents – single parents, married parents, parents to non-biological children, parents of troubled kids, parents who parent apart, parents going through a separation (death, divorce, etc.), parenting while ill – everything parenting related – parenting with little or nothing (physically, psychologically, mentally, financially) – parenting in the midst of a miserable relationship/job, etc.  It is my observation that so many of us are more interested in maintaining a façade that we often do not want to talk about “the other side of parenting”.

The other side of parenting is everything about parenting that most people tend to pussy-foot around.  It is everything else that we don’t want to speak about.  This blog was established to get parents, both males and females (myself included) to address those issues that affect our everyday lives and invariably affect or impact our parenting, in one way or another.  It is my hope to get parents to be engaged in REAL discussions about what bothers us, what scares us, what helps us, what makes us laugh, what frightens us, etc. as parents… what to do when you DON’T want to do…?  

This is a no-holes-barred blog, which will attempt to not just chronicle parenting issues as I see it, but will, in some instances, serve to give voice to those issues that affect, not just us as parents, but our children.  What parenting is to one person isn’t what it is necessarily is to another.  What we experience on a daily basis and how we interpret those experiences affect what we do as parents; it affects our thought processes, which invariably affects how we parent or IF we parent.  The truth is , what the world has fed to us about parenting, in most cases (in my estimation), is a bundle of crap.

 On this blog, I want honesty to prevail in an effort to supply answers to those questions we are afraid to ask as parents; or those issues we are afraid to talk about/admit.  The good thing about this blog is that you are not required to give your real names/countries/number of children.  I want to hear your voice, so that together we can try to bring about a change in this parenting process, which will ultimately benefit us and most importantly the way we parent our children to be the best they can be amidst the madness of the world, which include the struggles of the everyday lives of the parents (and children).