PANDEMIC FATIGUE OR NAAH…. PLEASE STEP BACK!!

The sign reads clearly:  PLEASE REMAIN SIX FEET APART.  Additionally, the store has operated above and beyond to lay feet markers on the floor, in the event that we, the customers, have no concept of what 6 feet look like.  Good for us, right?! 

So, we are all standing in the queue waiting to be cashed; I am the last person in line (for now).  From my vantage point, everyone in the store is maintaining their distance and properly masked.  Everyone is also required to sanitize at the door before entering.  Evidently, the store has played its part to ensure that the customers oblige with the general protocols suggested by the CDC and put in place by our government. 

Fine – ‘cause NO ONE wants to get COVID, nor does anyone want to be guilty of passing it on – or so I thought (since many transmitters are Asymptomatic).

It is now my turn, and there is no one behind me, so I walk up to the cashier and lay my items on the counter.  This is a pharmacy/convenient store, so people come in for anything between a pin and an anchor.  The cashier rings me up, and as I was about to hand her my cash, a family of three comes and stands directly behind me – a pregnant woman, her toddler daughter and a man.   They couldn’t be any physically closer to me if they were my handbag.  In fact, the little girl, who appeared to be about 4 years old, was touching the hem of my garment.  I looked down at the child and looked up at the parents, square in the eyes then I step to the side, because in my mind, these two adults could never be serious; the child is being guided by them, so this is not on her, obviously.  As I step to the side, they move closer …. To ME and the counter.  My items are on the counter, and it is obvious – at least to me and to the cashier who is awaiting my payment.   The cashier looks at them in bewildered disbelief but says nothing.  By now, they are occupying the feet cut-outs that should have been occupied by me.

I stretch from afar and hand the cashier my money and move farther away from the family.  The cashier continues to observe and looks at me and then back at them.  She wants to hand me the change and my items, which have now been bagged, but I refuse to go back to the counter since they have now completely taken over the entire standing space and counter; plus, these people are not a part of my bubble, so why should I be forced to interact this closely with them.  I mean, I am all of 5ft 8 inches and not as slim as I used to be – certainly bigger than I was last year (COVID nyammings), so my presence is very evident.  

The pregnant lady (who is obviously the leader of the clan) sees that I am standing still and not moving to retrieve my bagged items (sitting on the counter) or my change (because silence and body language are just as effective communication, if read properly).  The cashier finally musters the courage to tell them to step back. 

Reluctantly, they do.  The woman, in her very advanced stage of pregnancy hisses her teeth and blurts out “None of us here have COVID” (referring to herself and her family).  She continued, “you people in ****** are riddled with Covid and no one has it where we live”.  She grabs the hand of her child and hubby (I am assuming he is, because of their interaction) and pulls them out of my way (protocol now observed) quite bothered that she is being required to distance herself from ME. 

The vocal side of my brain had a retort for her, while the other side of my brain – the introvert that does not like to speak unless I ABSOLUTELY must – stapled my mouth shut.  Needless to say, I said nothing! When they were appropriately distanced, I retrieved my items, said thank you to the cashier, whose disbelief was even more pronounced, and I walked out. 

The gall of this woman to be so bothered by the fact that she, being in an advanced state of pregnancy, would be required to maintain her distance from a total stranger during a raging pandemic is baffling, but sadly not surprising.  The fact that she wanted to put me in my place by asserting that she and her family and all the people in her community were COVID-free told me that she was not altogether here.  What made it worse is that she was, in fact, clueless about my COVID status.  How did she know that I wasn’t the one carrying the virus and was trying to be responsible by stepping away from her, in her very advanced stage of pregnancy, her toddler child and overweight partner?  All of whom, as a unit, by CDC/WHO standard are considered a “vulnerable group,” pun intended!

Instead, she received my action of moving away from them and the cashier’s instruction as an insult to them.  Never mind that we are all required to social distance.

Had it even been 2018, I wouldn’t have wanted you this close to me.  Lady gwaan yaah!

The bottom line is that people seem to be going crazy.  For example, one is not allowed to tell another to pull up their mask over their nose in a public space.  You are not allowed to tell them to maintain their distance.  There are those whom you must approach gingerly when you insist on them sanitizing their hands.  Bottom line, you are not allowed to COVID-protocols-instruct anyone without them wanting to put you in your place and in some cases incite violence.  I have heard some sinister stories.

Are people experiencing “COVID madness” or were people just always inherently undisciplined and lacking social responsibility.  We could argue this forever – the debate would be never-ending.  One person on their twitter post highlighted that the mental strain of COVID was actually worse than the virus itself.  If I allow myself to think about this, I am more inclined to agree on the premise that whatever the end result, the mental anguish for everyone, all covid things considered, is insurmountable (loss of job, death, social and physical distancing, self-imposed isolation (and the list goes on).

Whether we agree or not that human beings lack discipline, the experts postulate that the pandemic has, in fact, caused people’s mental health to be affected in one way or another (this, I have stated in several posts prior) – irritability being a direct consequence.   Instead of calling it “madness,” like I have, the World Health Organization (WHO) has informed that that this irritability is due to what is known as “Pandemic Fatigue,” which is the “demotivation to follow recommended protective behaviours, emerging gradually over time, and affected by several emotions, experiences and perceptions”.  They also declare that this is a natural response to a prolonged global health crisis, which often manifest in an unwillingness to follow guidelines and recommendations[1]. 

Well, there you have it!!! 

Additionally, a recent study conducted in the USA reported significant poor mental health outcomes as a direct result of the pandemic.  The study further shares that “during the pandemic, about 4 in 10 adults in the U.S. have reported symptoms of anxiety or depressive disorder, a share that has been largely consistent, up from one in ten adults who reported these symptoms from January to June 2019” (Panchal, et al 2021)[2].  The different studies of groups and experts agree that the outcomes are often shown in behavioural changes.

It seems the experts do agree (like the twitter user) that the mental strain is just as significant a challenge.

Clearly, I have no idea this family’s real reason for not wanting to social distance nor do I understand why a person would want to fight another for politely asking that masks are properly worn.  What is clear to me, from a layman’s perspective, is that things, times and people are not “normal” …. Everyone is feeling the pandemic fatigue on some level.

Even with what the experts are saying I am still wondering, are some people using this pandemic as an excuse to show who they really are at the core or are people’s response (or the lack thereof) to these protocols as a result of them being over it and genuinely frustrated?!

Whatever the level of pandemic fatigue that we each may be experiencing,  I encourage us all to…..TAKE A STEP BACK!!!

[1] https://apps.who.int/iris/bitstream/handle/10665/335820/WHO-EURO-2020-1160-40906-55390-eng.pdf

[2] https://www.kff.org/coronavirus-covid-19/issue-brief/the-implications-of-covid-19-for-mental-health-and-substance-use/

MY DISQUIETED STILLNESS

Each time I blog post, I am “led” to do so, one way or another.  As it stands now, there are about five pieces stored in my repertoire that I have written over the past three months and have not yet posted, for one reason or the other.   Simply put, I have been feeling quiet.

Needless to say, life has been happening and I have been simultaneously distracted, swamped and “still”.  With this, I have just not been led to post, despite my desire to maintain my blog momentum and honour the commitment that I have made to myself…   Admittedly, I revamped this space during what I could argue to be one of the roughest times in human history and one of the most challenging times of my life.  I did it though.  So the space continues to be significant, for me.

But life happens.  I am always in observe mode – that is a constant.  However, lately, I have just been soaking in what has been happening around me and observing everything more quietly than I typically do, and my prayers have been more frequent and internal.  As much as I have been forcing myself to finish a very relevant piece that I have been meaning to post, I simply could not.  My spirit has been both quiet and disquieted.

My assertion that everyone on this planet has something that they are grappling has not shifted in the least; in fact, my observances continue to validate this daily.  As for me, there are several matters that I am trying to navigate and resolve within myself and around me.  Accordingly, I have been spending less time talking and more time observing and processing and doing.  In the midst of it all, one can’t help but observe that the world is a very scary place at the moment.  There is a looming doom that has just permeated the air, and one can’t help but think about the deaths, the many threats to humanity and the ensuing impacts on our natural environment brought on by humanity, among other things.  Added to that, are the many debates and reports about the vaxxers vs anti-vaxxers, the mask-wearers vs the anti-mask wearers, the continued rise of Gender—based violence, the rise in gas prices, the lack of resources, hunger, loss of job, among other major worldwide challenges that are affecting us now. 

In my quest to try to understand and make sense of it all, I feel clueless about the why, when, where, how and what of it all.

  • What is the purpose of what is happening? 
  • When will it end?
  • Why are we responding the way we are?
  • How will we move forward to bring this thing to an end?
  • Where will humanity be days, months or years from now?

It is no wonder, that everything I have written, though important on some level, seem so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.  The existential crisis is real.

I learned a long time ago that as important as it is to speak up and to respond to your environment is as important as it is to be still.  To listen – truly listen, which you can’t fully do when you are participating in the noise. The noise now is the pandemic and everything that is as a result of it. 

It was pure happenstance that I came across a twitter post from a user, who matter-of-factly stated that the pandemic was mentally and physically draining.  As obvious a statement this is, not many are quick to initiate a conversation about what these mental and physical problems are.  However, my click on the comment section revealed that different people from all walks of life shared the exact sentiment and went on to express the challenges they, too, were experiencing, despite their ability to still be able to provide for themselves or regardless of from whence they come (rich, poor or in between).   It was as if people were waiting on someone to admit it, so that they could vent.  What remained clear throughout the thread is that people’s level of coping were both varied and dwindling. 

All in all, what I do know is the obvious:  we do not know the what, where, how, when and why of tomorrow.  Because of this, cabin fever is real.  As much as some of us appear to be going stir crazy and existing in reckless abandon regardless of the mandates and protocols in place, there are those of us who are gung-ho about trying keep ourselves, etc. circumspect as well as trying to make sense of it all without even understanding why we should.

In spite of it all, I am reminded that when you feel clueless and your spirit is disquieted, the best thing to do is to sit and BE STILL in the space where you have the most to say and the most to do.  Hardly anything gets solved or resolved in the middle of confusion and madness; it helps to stop and process.  After all, nothing lasts forever.  Soon, all of this will be a thing of the past.

The Parent Actor: a necessary show.

The Parent Actor:  A necessary show.

Since she was able to properly formulate a sentence, the routine has always been that she would provide me with either a blow by blow of her day or a synopsis of the main happenings of her time away….  Not much has changed since she was a toddler, except that now the conversations have evolved to a more complex subject matter (pun intended) and my engagement requires more depth.

When they are toddlers, they rely on us to validate that which they report after their day at preschool, because the conversations are typically light and identifiable:  counting, The Three Little Bears, Paw Patrol, the letters of the alphabet etc.; those have nothing on us.  We are able to actively participate in the discussion.  For example, when my sister asked my 2 ½ year old niece about her day and she says things such as “Alexa didn’t listen today”, her mother knows exactly how to respond, and she steers the conversation in whatever way she believes is necessary to facilitate the parenting/growth process. 

But this stage doesn’t last, obviously.   These types of conversations progress as they go through the different stages, especially as it relates to their academic endeavours, and it doesn’t matter how many degrees you possess or how street smart you are; you are not always au fait. Fast forward to a 17 year old smart young lady, who is sitting her final exams.  As much as the routine continues, the ability to actively participate changes… completely.

I come in from work, and she joins me for our usual tête-à-tête.  During this exam period, my role is to listen and engage, which usually entails anything from an exclamation or two, a question about the invigilator, listening her relay the reaction of her peers about the exam,  her report on how she believed she performed and/or her taking me through the exam paper.   For the most part, I am able to confidently participate, because these are things with which I can identify except on the matter of exam paper deconstruction. 

Now, this is where it gets tricky.  Today is that day!   After the mundane and relatable are highlighted and discussed, her report advances – it takes a turn… for me.  

What the heck do I know about Physics?

3…..2…..1…. ACTION!

“So, how was it?” I asked.

“There were no surprises.  I was able to answer all questions.  There were only two questions that provided somewhat of a challenge, but I managed to fight my way through”.

“Well, that’s awesome.  I am happy to hear that”, I responded.

She continued to explain what happened in the exam room before they began the actual test and indicated the helpfulness and professionalism of the invigilator.  Overall a good report, I am thinking.

Then things take a turn….  I wouldn’t say for the worst… but it took a turn around a clueless corner… for me.

In her quest to provide her usual blow by blow, she started to explain the complexities of the Physics paper and why she thought a question was problematic….

“….the direction of the magnetic field … the field lines go from north pole to south pole….”  She then went into an extended explanation.

“oh.  Okay.  I see.  Yes,” was all I could muster.  I am doing everything you do to show you are fully engaged.  I am making eye contact.  My phone is face down… I am actively listening.

Her explanation continues. 

“…the atmospheric pressure is 100,000 pascals…..”

“oh wow…. Hmmmmmm…”  was all I could truly say as I looked at her speak about this physics paper of which I am clueless, to say the least.  The terminologies … the concepts… MOSTLY foreign to me.  By themselves, a few of the words, one could argue, were maybe semi-identifiable, but as concepts….? Just call me Clueless Cassandra. 

At some point, I also heard something about “alternating current” and that “there was only one resistance question”.

This continued for about 20 minutes, and she was unstoppable in her relay of her physics exam experience.  Truthfully, I enjoyed listening to her talk about her experiences…  

I am sure that there are those who could say that I could have asked her to expound… but that would be a firm NO for me….

Evidently, she is a smart cookie, so I know she is aware that her mom is simply allowing her to do that which she needs to do.  Clearly, all she needs from me is for me to be there and to “engage” in a manner that meets her parent-child need, within the current situation.  Her face said it all.  Plus, she already knows that the sciences were not my forte in high school and certainly would not have been anywhere near my university experiences.

The point is that as parents, we are often called upon by our children to engage in events that are of zero interest to us.  But we have a responsibility, so we provide a situational performance as an expression of love.  When they are my niece’ age, they do not know that we do not know nor do they care that we do not know what we do not know.  They want to see mommy and/or daddy being there to support – in whatever way that support looks within context.  They want to know that we are LISTENING – that we are present.  Once we have introduced them to us being present (even when we have no real interest in the specific subject matter), it becomes an expectation and something of fundamental value in building them (in one way or another). 

After 17 years, I would have already engaged in many conversations about many things (not to mention attending a multiplicity of school-related events and performances – but that’s for another discussion); but as she gets older, the conversations become more intense and sometimes out of my realm of understanding.   These are not always within the degree of physics-cluelessness on my part.  Whatever the subject matter, our role is multifaceted and never-ending, because it doesn’t stop the older they get.  Sometimes we are required to perform our understanding and then seek the answers later from ALEXA (provided she is listening) or some other source.  Of course, in this case, I did not look up anything about the “direction of the magnetic field,” but I acted as interested as I could muster on topics of no interest to me.   In other words, I have zero interest in physics but interested in how her day went.  Evidently, she knows this and is appreciative of it, because she got what she needed from the exchange of my presence, which didn’t require my understanding of the topic (not this time around); she, instead, required my ear, my engagement and my positive reinforcement.  So while, I performed my responses, I was present and listened and supported.

Parenting requires situational role play – a little acting goes a long way, especially when you are interested in doing right by your children.  Parents/guardians, etc. should be reminded that they won’t always get everything right –  I didn’t and I don’t, but continue to play your part and make sure to perform at your best in the necessary parenting show.

Blessings!

Ashamed of Love!?!

My last two posts have inadvertently been about operating in love in one way or another, and today I feel compelled to extend the conversation, but from a slightly different perspective. Interestingly, “love” has also been the topic of discussion from several perspectives in at least six conversations with six different persons – all unrelated. Additionally, I have seen so many memes and quotes about encouraging people to stop loving those they have either broken up with or stopped being friends with.  Over the years, I have also encountered persons who have, in fact (or in pretend), openly expressed hate for ex-friends and/or ex-lovers, etc.  In this same vein, I recently happened upon the following quote on Instagram that had thousands of “likes”, and I thought, here we go again. 

“you don’t know pain until you have to force your heart to stop loving somebody”.

But why should this be the go-to alternative though?  To stop loving someone…. Sounds to me that maybe we should stop ASSOCIATING the LOVE we feel with what we THINK we should do….

As far as I know it, the opposite of love is hate.  When you force yourself to stop loving someone, does that mean that you are now teaching yourself to hate them or are you indifferent toward them….?  

And why should that be necessary anyway?

It appears that somewhere along the lines, many of us have blundered in learning and teaching how and when to let go and therefore confused about what to do once we have let go or have been let go.  Not only have we blundered, but we continue to perpetuate and romanticize the “hate narrative” to validate the end of a relationship. 

Silly human beings we are! 

Evidently, the end of “time spent” is not an automatic signal of/to hate – or at least it shouldn’t be.  As I stand by this assertion, it is not difficult to imagine that there are many of us in these streets performing something that that we may not necessarily feel.  Either that or we have not learned (directly or indirectly) the healthy way to operate when we still feel love for the person from whom we have permanently walked away or for those who have walked away from us.   As a matter of fact, to still love the person whom has wronged us or whom we have wronged without having an interest of re-engaging like “normal” is very freeing, light, and Christ-like; this, I know, is NOTHING to be ashamed of.  As I imagine it, hate is heavy!  While I have never hated anyone, I have been the recipient of hate – raw and undiluted – (or the performance of it), so I cannot imagine walking around with that level of negative intensity toward anyone. 

I don’t remember who said this (Iyanla or Oprah), but I am just gonna rest this right here, only because it seems fitting (so process it however you see fit – within context)….

…..“you can’t hate someone that strongly unless you have once loved them”

Relationships (friendships, marriages, etc.) are as important as they can be great when they are, but when the end comes things tend to become sour, and we have been taught that with that souring there should be an accompanying hate. We have also been taught that we should wait on hate/disdain to be present to walk away.  Nothing could be farther from the truth; thus, it is within this thought process that the unlearning has to occur.  Loving someone has nothing to do with staying, the same way we should not wait for hate to walk away. It makes no sense to pretend that you hate someone in order validate that you are done.  What good will that do?

Do not be ashamed of love. 

We need to seriously normalize the admission of love instead of propagating the hate narrative.  For more reasons than one (some more obvious than the next), it makes sense for those actors and/evils among us to unlearn that “hate narrative,” so that we are not forced to perform it when we leave or when we are left.  It is perfectly fine to walk away from that which is bad even when we feel love. This is applicable in every situation that requires it – work, friendship, lovers, etc.  It is way better to heal in love than to navigate and/or perform hate and then attempt to heal yourself in that negative space (naah go happen); I imagine this to be an unnecessary inconvenience and an exhausting uphill bother.

Ain’t nobody got time for dat!

Obviously, boundaries are necessary in every aspect of life.  Thus, I understand why some find it important to send a clear message once a situation has “ended,” i.e. to indicate “hate” as a demonstration of boundaries – even if it is only to maintain a façade.  One source points out that when people declare their dislike for others, it helps another to understand the boundaries between social circles.  The source further asserts that this is a powerful motivator for people to form bonds[1].  In other words, if I show my disdain for one, the other may believe my loyalty to them.  I get that (I expounded on this in a blog a while back).  But how exhausting. 

At the end of the day, we are all struggling with something in this very crazy epicenter.  Love shouldn’t be one of those struggles.  Love who you love, because love, as defined, is a beautiful thing and nothing to be ashamed of, even with the complexities we have been told that it comes with.  I end, however, by stating that it is not the love that is complex, it is what we have been taught to do with it and how to respond to it that makes it complex.  UNLEARN THAT!   Bottom line, be honest with yourself about love and who you love, but be the first to skedaddle if you must (IN LOVE).

Blessings!

[1] https://www.scienceofpeople.com/hate/

A LIVING CHANGE!

“Live your life in a way that suits you,

but don’t set out to hurt people.

Apologize when you are wrong,

And don’t hesitate to walk away

from that which doesn’t

serve your soul.”

Stacey A Palmer, 2021

On this journey called life, we either change or we remain the same.  Many have actually said that this current situation has highlighted much of societal ills as well as those ills that exist in us.   In other words, we can’t help but notice the world as a whole an ourselves as individuals.  Many of us would never openly admit our flaws, but we have to live with them.  On this pandemic journey, some of us have changed for the better, others of us have changed for the worst, then there are those of us whom have remained stagnant, usually by choice or by fear.  There are those who are literally out in these streets making other people’s lives a living hell, with very little regard for the repercussions.  Either way, the way we choose to respond to life – to our situations – especially as the world struggles to completely recover from this ensuing pandemonium, is really up to us, within our individual context.  Whatever the case, the way I see it is, we have a choice to live our lives on our terms, but we must understand and be prepared for what will follow, because good or bad, something WILL follow.   

A few days after my soup and patty customer service situation (last blog post), I had an interesting experience with someone (not a stranger this time) that was cause for pause.  ‘twas one of those situations that tested my internal evolution – that part of me that I have to live with and must answer to when no one is around – the part of me that stays in prayer and not connected to any mere mortal.  Within that “interesting experience”, I had two options:  I could have stung with my retort or I could have silently walked away in love.  I chose the latter.   Having experienced pain at its highest level and having learned how to use pain for purpose, it is the most difficult thing, today, for any human being to ruffle my feathers deeply.  I may feel the emotion of an “insult,” for example, because I am smart enough to know what a person is attempting, but it doesn’t stay with me – certainly not for an extended period.  I outgrew that when the lesson of “Pain’s Purpose[1]” became cemented into my psyche. 

The way I see it, every day presents itself as an opportunity to reflect and to correct.  In fact, I relish AND crave growth.   Change is hard, especially once a person has decided to become a better human being.  Once we have made this commitment to ourselves, we do not have a choice but to work toward changing those habits that we have been comfortable with for a long time, especially those that do not serve our souls or that which have been damaging (in one way or another) to ourselves and to others (this includes the the unkind things done to us).  This is where we MUST make the choice to be intentional about our growth.    

In so doing, we must be prepared to answer to ourselves in our quiet and sacred spaces, reserved only for those who belong there.  The more we interact and the wiser and more deliberate we become, is the more unapologetically resolute we are about those we WANT there.  That, to me, is the most freeing and enlightening thing ever!  When we discover what brings that internal peace – true peace that cannot come from anything else outside of us – we operate on our own terms by living a life that makes our soul smile. 

With that being said, one of the kindest and most valuable gifts we can give ourselves is learning to walk away in love.  By that I mean, when exiting stage left, we harbor no ill-will or hatred toward those who have wronged us, those who have offended us, and/or those who do not honor who we are or are becoming – those who do not mean us well.    When you get right down to it, there is truly no need for a repetitive and counter-productive back-and-forthing about that which you need.  You simply leave that space, for good, but with LOVE!  That is an awesome feeling of intentional self-care built on the foundation of LOVE.  As a “walk-awayer” and a textbook introvert, I learned a long time ago that not everyone is for us, and we are not for everyone.   I don’t think there is any human being who knows this more than me.  Truly!  As the Bible reported it, many people hated Jesus and openly showed Him that disdain.  Why, then, would I be so pompous to believe that everyone is going to like/love me, and why would I walk around being flustered by those who don’t?  Pointless!  Therefore, when we discover that people do not mean us well, for whatever reason, walk away – with LOVE!

To complement the ability to walk away (in love) is being able to apologize for that which we may have done to others, because none of us is always blameless.  The complex thing about an apology is that a person may not require it or may not even accept it (this is also applicable when the apology is being given to the “walk-awayer”. You may accept it and still decide to skedaddle with love).   What is important is what we feel internally in that sacred space – that place that gives us inner peace.   Once you know that you are operating from a genuine place, let it go and move on.  The truth of the matter is that the more we are going to blunder about so many things as we traverse life’s road, including those we entertain that we shouldn’t, because we ignored those red flag moments or for whatever other reasons we may have opted to entertain these people.  None of it is a mistake… all of it is a lesson.  Learn it!

As we continue to navigate this pandemic and struggle to return to “normalcy” (whatever that means to each of us), we have the choice to live our lives in a way that suits us without deliberately causing harm…

As for me, I will continue to live on my own terms and let that which pains me (on whatever level), propel my growth!

[1] Pain’s Purpose, from “The Chronicles of a Woman:  The Truth-Teller” by Stacey A Palmer available on www.amazon.com

The Virtuous Customer/Service?

The week was a hectic one; I hardly had time to scratch my head… not quite that, but you get it.

So Saturday rolls around, and I decide that I would not be making any lunch or dinner… too tired for that.  Maybe, I could run out and get us something for lunch.  I have been avoiding eating out for a pile of reasons, but today was necessary.  A woman is tired!

I hate crowds, so I usually avoid them.  (I am the person who goes to the supermarket just as they are opening the shutters).  At this particular place, the rush hour is usually anywhere between 11:50 a.m. and 2:00 p.m., so I get there at 11 a.m., which is when the soups will be ready (soup on a Saturday is a big deal at this place).  As soon as I arrive, I am immediately let in, because they are below the threshold.  I am glad. The cashier tells me that the soups (Beef and Vegan) were both ready, so I place my order – one beef and one vegan.  I decide to add a Patty to my order, because it has been ages, so why the heck not.

Who could be happier than me that this entire trip (to and from) outside of the sanctity of my personal space was going to be less than 30 minutes?  The introvert in me is doing cartwheels in my head (because that is the only place I can do them).   I look around for an unoccupied space – one in which I will be distanced according to my comfort.  I spot one and quickly head there.  I am observing the servers do their thing.  They seem confused though.  Each customer’s receipt has a number, but there doesn’t seem to be any real system in place.   I am thinking, “Dem must know.”  I am distracted, so I don’t even realize that 15 minutes have passed; plus, of late, I have been working on myself and exercising and practicing patience.  Perfect opportunity to see if my work is in vain.

The servers are serving soups around me, behind me, on top of me but not TO me. 

“108, 110, 114, 112, 111, 113, 115….”  They are shouting.  The people before me and after me are leaving with their soup order…

My number is 109, so what’s happening. 

Den suppmm coulda really go so? 

It is now 20 minutes in.  At the 15 minute mark, I had observe one server quietly say to the next “10 more minutes for the patties”

“Where is the breakfast I ordered 30 minutes ago” one lady said annoyingly.  Apparently she is number 117.  The server cannot find this lady’s order and confusingly says to her, “what did you order… may I see your ticket”.

This lady is about to lose her mind…. She doesn’t though.  She hisses her teeth and reluctantly hands the server her ticket and places her hands akimbo. 

Okay, I am thinking, let me see if they are going to tell me (and the other customers) that the patties are not ready.  By this time we are going into the 25 minute mark, and I am repeating one of my daily prayers behind my mask, “Dear God, Let love into my tone”.  You see, we don’t always come across the way we intend, and people do not care about intention, they care about perception.  This happens to me from time to time, so I am working on fixing that because I have no ill-intentions and would love if that could reconcile in my tone, for the most part…. I am too direct, apparently.

I am also saying this knowing fully well that most times what offend us are those trauma-related triggers that remain unresolved and have nothing to do with the person, who has “offended” us (but that is for another discussion). 

So here I am repeating my prayer, because I am on the brink of saying something.  Remember that I am also working on patience, so I have several things contending with in this little outside trip that is now taking way longer than it needed to be. 

What a Sabbath lesson this finna be!

Just wait it out, my mind tells me.  Then something else says to me, “you have a right to say something’. 

“Dear God, Let love into my tone. Amen” …. I walk closer to the counter and say,  “can you say what is happening with 109…. It has been way too long”.

She avoids eye contact and looks down as if she is caught red-handed.  “aahhhmmm, you will soon be served”.

Okay, so now I am legitimately becoming irritated, because what the heck does soon mean within the context.  So I ask, “what does soon mean…?”  After all, her soon could be the country people “soon” that they tell you when you ask for directions… “just up the road… you will soon get there…” they tell you, and you drive for another 40 minutes before you arrive at the destination.  Anyway….

“We are waiting on the patties….about 5 more minutes” she answers, almost beneath her breath.

Dear God.  Let love into my tone.  Amen…

“Ok, but don’t you think this is something that should have been told to the customers before, so I could decide if I wanted to wait or not?  I have been waiting for over 25 minutes.”  I don’t know if she received the “love into my tone”, but I tried my best to be as calm-sounding (no raised decibel – just conversational) as I possibly could be, within that scenario. 

Her body language suggests that she is aware of her blunder.  “Sorry about that miss.”

Three minutes later, my order is ready and handed to me.  “Sorry for the wait,” she offers with a half smile.

“Thank you, “ I said, with a lot more “love into my tone”.  I then make my exit with my two large soups and the piping hot patty.

But the question that begs to be asked is, at what point of customer-service-foolery, should a customer continue to be silent or say something.    I know patience is a virtue and all, but does that mean that patience requires one to be long-suffering in ones attempts to acquire a good or service?  Should I have waited for the 30-minute mark, or should I have just not said anything and waited indefinitely.  Is that what patience requires?

What does that mean anyway –  “patience is a virtue”? One source says it is the ability to wait without getting angry.  Another source indicated that this is attached to the ways in which we approach the situation that requires us to wait.  In other words, the source asserts, we should (in every situation) make every effort to “supplement knowledge with self-control, self-control with endurance, endurance with godliness, godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.”[1]  One other source agrees that patience is very necessary to cultivate but argue that it is not about just sitting and enduring but more about how you respond to that which you have endured.  This makes sense, I suppose.

In my estimation, it would have been prudent for the cashier to indicate to me, upon taking my order, that the patties would not have been ready for 20 – 25 minutes and then let me decide if I wanted to wait.  After all, the soups were ready, which means that I could have been out there in 5 minutes and not as long as it took.  By not doing that which I deem to be customer-service-common-sense, she took away that right and decided that I had all the time in world.   

In the end, her body-language told me that she knew they were in the wrong, and so I am hoping that she would have operated differently the next time something like this happens.   As for me, I am happy to have let love into my tone, but was I patient enough or was I right to inquire about my goods when I did, thereby asserting my right for better service?

I do agree that patience is a virtue, but at what point during the poor customer-service experience is the customer allowed to assert our rights?  I think I did well, all things considered.  Fundamentally, the difference is how we approach the situation – both the customer and the server!

[1] https://www.christianity.com/wiki/bible/patience-is-a-virtue.html

Are you “her” or “him” hiding in plain sight?!

As the story is told (with my own twist), she left him and moved on to a new relationship and was thriving there.  He didn’t like that, so he hatched a plan for her to come back “home”.  If she didn’t do as he wanted, he had something more sinister in mind.  In his quest to achieve his desire, he quickly learns that she has no interest in being with him, no matter the strength of his argument.  This wounds him deeply, so he decides to cut her, literally, as deep as the proverbial wounds he feels.  He slices her open, and her guts almost falls to the ground.  Luckily, she makes it to the hospital in time, and a miracle is achieved.  Though she could have died, she didn’t.  She is spared to tell her story – one that has been told time and again — decade after decade – country after country – culture after culture.  For those who do not try to cut you with a knife – to kill your body – will cut you with well-told lies meant to defame – to kill your soul!  But the end is not what most expected.  This time, she decides to do what many before her (and many after her) has done.  She will not press charges, and she wants people to leave her to make the choice that suits her, which she deems should be up to her.  But life isn’t as simple, not in this case.

Of course, this became the talk of the town (Instagram and twitter).  So, I read and listened quite curiously to the opinion of those who chimed in.  For the most part, everyone thought that this young woman was a complete arse, an uneducated fool, a “kunumunu”, a “mukut”, “a Yam head”, a “man-fool” etc. for “allowing” a man to do this to her and then to turn around and defend him (she didn’t want to press charges, allegedly).   While I do agree that anyone who does this to any person should be punished, as the law of the land dictates, I couldn’t help but wonder, as people, mostly women, could be seen (and heard) calling her things like a “decrepit”, the “scum of the earth”, etc.  This struck a chord with me. 

Often, we conclude that with such a gruesome attack (to physically or emotionally kill) that a person (victim) would walk away – leave the “offenders” and heal enough to live one’s life to one’s fullest potential.  This, unfortunately, is not often the case.  Most people do NOT leave after being physically or emotionally battered on the first, or second or third or even the tenth “battering” — despite its gravity.  People stay.   The interesting thing is that many like to justify their “stay” on the premise that their abuse (relationship experiences) is dressed more beautifully than the other person’s.

But why does s/he stay?

The matter of staying in abusive relationships is a very complex one.  Domestic violence researchers have actually written much, but mostly from the perspective of women who stay.   Regardless, they all agree on one thing:  The reason for people staying is complicated.  Whiting (2016)[1] states that the challenges that domestic violence victims face are unique.  Many of these challenges are attached to a person’s own view of what “love” (and abuse) constitutes and what they have normalized within that relationship space.

In my own experiences, those of others I know of or have heard about, the many experts I have read or listened to, no one has been able to fully comprehend the complexities of relationship and why people operate the way they do when they become romantically involved, yet alone one that which is abusive.   For even those who have written beautifully on, discussed about, shared with, have themselves been a part of the group of many, men and women, who continue to stay in situations that are damaging (physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, etc).

Why though?

Aside from my own observations, this is what the experts have confirmed as some reasons (in a nutshell), all of which are very layered and not sufficiently captured herein:

Shame:  victims tend to be embarrassed to admit that their marriage/relationship has failed for many reasons, especially if this person was first presented as the “best thing ever”.  They sometimes do not want anyone to know that they are like the “others”, so they cover up and make excuses in situations where they shouldn’t.  The truth is that the “shame” argument is also a very complex one attached to several variables that often remain hidden.

Trauma and low confidence are linked, especially in relationships where there is a combination of abuse types.  According to Whiting (2016), perpetrators harass and accuse victims, which wears them down and causes despair and guilt.  By the time they have gone through the rigours of the abuse cycle, they are so worn and confidence-robbed, that leaving appears impossible, especially when they believe that no one else would like them or want to be with them….

Practical reasons:  a person may decide to stay for reasons associated with ties to the home, finances, or just simply related to the children or resources invested into the home/other assets[2].  Other practical reasons could be attached to financial needs or other personal reasons related to security.

Normalizing abuse:  many have accepted and given excuses for unhealthy behaviours in relationships, thereby making it difficult to accept that they are actually being abused and invariably leave[3].

Fear:  For some, leaving can also be very difficult, especially when there is physical abuse:  if a person tries to leave, they know that there is a very high chance that they would be harmed, so out of fear they remain.  Aside from the obvious fear of physical harm, there are also other “stay-reasons” attached to fear; for example, fear of being alone, fear of chastisement, fear of the smear-campaign that often follows when a victim leaves an abuser, fear of loss, etc.

The abuse cycle can be intense and addictive:  Some people remain in situations they shouldn’t be, because the love-bombing and hoovering stages after the abuse feels good.  In these moments, the abused is reminded or are given a glimpse on what it feels like to be “loved”.  When this happens a number of times, it becomes addictive despite the levels of abuse they may have experienced outside of “make up”.

Good sex:  both men and women have been known to remain in situations that should have ended because of what they experience in the bedroom.  For some, great sex trumps everything else.  Many will not admit this, but once sexual needs are being satiated, they will ignore all else or suffer through the turmoil. 

As complex as the reasons for staying are, is as complex as people fashion themselves better than the next person whose abuse is clothed more beautifully than another person’s.  Here are a few scenarios to consider:

You are in a situation where your partner is a serial cheater who has multiple partners outside of your “commitment”.  He/She brings home an STI or two, some curable, others, not so much.  You develop depression and other stress—related illnesses because of your situation; yet, you stay.  In your mind, you are “better” than this young woman.  Her abuse is more public and gruesome, so it gives you the right to publicly shame her and chastise her choice. 

Or

Your partner doesn’t cheat, but the narcissistic abuse within the relationship is so toxic and damaging, you feel as if you are literally losing your mind.  So much so, you are having suicidal ideations, but you remain silent.  Your organs are responding to this, and you are getting sick.  No one knows the internal hell you are enduring, because it is beautifully masked under luxury cars, the well-manicured lawns and the many Degrees, etc.

Or…

Like her, you are being physically beaten, but you tell yourself that it is because he was having a bad day.  Your Church tells you that divorce is a sin, so you stay.  You and your husband/wife pray about it, and all is forgiven… until…. He does it again… and the process of staying is repeated…

As much as we like to divorce ourselves from certain situations and fashion ourselves “better” than another person, let alone this young woman who was literally gutted, I doubt there could be any contesting my assertion that people – both men and women – don’t always leave at the first red flag/offense, regardless of the magnitude.  In fact, a person who leaves at the first sign of trouble is an exception.  My readings indicate that many people in abusive situations do not seek help until years after the abuse begins.   “On average high-risk victims live with domestic abuse for 2.3 years and medium risk victims for 3 years before getting help.”[4] Plus, there are those who leave and return…  For many, leaving happens after an endurance period.  The question that begs to be asked is what is the period that renders you “better” or which abuse situation is “excusable?”

Whatever the reasons and however your own relationship situation is presented, when you get right down to it….

…at the end of the day, many of us stay until we leave.  So, there is that!   

While some of us can readily articulate our why, there are more who simply cannot, because the matter is too complex to put into words. 

I guess there are many human “fools”/ “arse”/ “yam-head”  walking around; it’s just that some of us (men AND women) are fools, etc. hidden in plain sight.

[1] https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3672&context=facpub

[2] https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/women-leave/

[3] https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/why_leaving_abuse_is_hard/

[4] SafeLives (2015), Insights Idva National Dataset 2013-14. Bristol: SafeLives

From Fear to Fair…

I don’t think anyone needs any special skill or gift to see what is happening, as this whole pandemic has truly highlighted how hardened we have become as individuals and as a larger society, in a way that I am not sure I can truly say that we have ever observed before.  Maybe it is because we have had no choice, because the circumstances of the pandemic have forced us to pay closer attention to our surroundings.  In fact, it seems everything is more pronounced, because this is a time when we need each other to be accountable to, for and with each other, and we somehow aren’t.  Maybe it’s because we have been forced to slow down, so we have no choice but to pay closer attention.  Whatever the case, there is something happening all around that is causing many of us to act in ways that are just downright sad… I don’t know how else to put it than “sad”.  

While I will not assert that what is being witnessed now is in direct relation to the pandemic – that it didn’t exist before, it appears that the inequities during this time are somewhat more glaring.  On a larger scale, “laws of the land” are not applicable across the board.  Depending on who you are and your status in society, certain laws do not apply.  The poorer you are, the more accountable you are required to be; imagine, therefore, that the reverse is also true.  Your elevated position in society will determine how you are allowed to operate.  Thus, inequity and unfairness continue to be the order of the day.  This lack of accountability and injustices are reflected in every facet of society – in the workplace, in the classroom, in the boardroom, when we eat out at restaurants, or as a customer in a store, as well as within the confines of our homes.

When I think about eliminating inequalities as a main feature of the Sustainable Development Goals, the first thing (and probably only thing) that comes to mind is that of the male/female disparity (how women are treated in comparison to their male counterparts) because this is what the targets of the SDG 5 highlights[1] , importantly and rightly so.  The truth of the matter is that inequalities exist within any space where there is marginalization (between and among same sexes), and I argue that we are all marginalized somewhere at some point; this is the crux of gender inequality.  I also assert that within every marginalized space, there also exists intra-marginalization.  This means that even people who are considered marginalized by a larger society have groups within that marginalized group that are not given the same allowances as the rest of that larger marginalized group, for one reason or the other, often related to their intersectionality.  The literature highlights that marginalization is very complex and fluid as people’s status in society changes.  According to Kagan, et al (2004), to a certain extent, marginalization is a shifting phenomenon, linked to social status.    Within the context of power dynamics/power imbalance, there are more reports of inequities being displayed, which go unchecked and which serve to sustain power.

It is no surprise to me the ways in which inequality is manifested in the different facets of society.  Because the focus is so much on whether women have equal access as their male counterparts, we often miss the signs when the inequities being meted out are being done among sexes or in spaces within our homes, school, organizations, etc.   

A few months ago, for example, I observed a person in charge turn a blind eye to the unequal distribution of a particular resource that the worker should have received.  It was interesting to see how easy it was for this person to have decided that this would have been their course of action with absolutely no level of accountability.  In this case, the power imbalance and lack of accountability within this setting, despite what should obtain, occurred unchecked, which invariably leads to a culture of unfairness. In other words, one group, because of the power they hold, gets to exercise unfairness over those whom are “powerless”.

 In a similar vein, about a year ago a group of students expressed their concern about an issue with another class.  When I suggested they write about it and exercise their right as students, they indicated their fear and expressed their experience of being victimized when speaking up within the classroom setting.  The students all agreed that they would let things remain as they were and simply stay with the issue out of fear of “reprisal” from this “person in charge”, because this is what they had seen happen before.  They further explained that the lesser of two evils would be for them to suffer in silence since their tenure (the students, ie) would soon come to an end. As far as they were concerned, there was no accountability in that particular space.

Likewise, a person will ignore the price you have asked for a service you provide and unilaterally decide how much to pay you without any consideration of what the service is actually worth or what you have to do to get it done, because of who they are and what they may have access to vs who they deem you to be as well as your need. Consequently, many experiencing “powerlessness” have had to remain silent for fear of “losing out”, especially within this new pandemic dispensation.

Further, the service you receive or not receive in certain establishments is often hinged on who you are, who you know and the ways in which you are perceived to have carried yourself.  The interesting thing is that many of us will have seen these things and remain in our comfort and silently watch another person experience inequalities/injustices.  In my estimation, many of us are guided by greed and/or fear and would never operate in fair(ness)… thereby perpetuating a vicious cycle.

We don’t have to look far within our surroundings to realize that despite the systems that may be in place to ensure equality/equity, a person can decide to cheat you out of something you have worked for or are deserving of, for whatever reason convenient to them and then turn around and chastise you for standing up for yourself.  In fact, in many instances of unequal distribution of resources, those without the power often feel like they are not able to stand up for themselves; when you do, people are quick to tell you that you are not being humble, because you do not allow them to mistreat you.  Therefore, a system is NOT a deterrent; enforcement of a systems is. 

Everyone wants more than they have; for some, even if it means cheating someone else out of the little they should get, especially now that the pandemic is looming and tomorrow’s resources appear to be limited and uncertain.  People are not just stock piling toilet paper, they are stock piling everything else and ensuring that those they view as being beneath them remain that way – beneath them and with less than them.  The funny thing to note is that some are even stock-piling the little power they think they have over others.  It is an interesting time and very interesting to observe.  So much so, that part of the reason for the silence of those who “suffer” this iniquitous fate and for those who witness it and may be able to do something about it (but don’t) is to NOT run the risk of disrupting “bad behaviour” for fear that we may disrupt that which gives us access to “more”.

As unfortunate as this is to admit, my simple conclusion is that life isn’t fair and will continue in this vein for as long as we remain on earth, regardless of what we do to try to achieve equity/equality.  What the “powerful” do not yet realize is that at some point they too will be marginalized and may require the dignity of someone who knows what it means to be treated unfairly to be fair and just.    For example, the fact that a person may appear to be in need of something that we may have doesn’t mean that they should be treated unfairly or in an undignified manner.  For those of us who care to make a difference, we are encouraged to check and correct ourselves in our daily interactions with others, if fairness/equality/equity is what we aspire toward….

….plus, life has a way of showing us…!

[1] https://www.globalgoals.org/

Fixing the mental “Klunk Ku Klunk”

I am driving along minding my business and singing along to the sweet sounds of 90s R&B, when suddenly I heard it.

Klunk ku klunk ku klunk.

Dah heck?!!

Why do I feel as if I am on the bumpiest road ever?  Except, I am not!  Immediately, I can tell this is not normal.  Although I am moving, things were not normal.

This doesn’t feel right, I thought. Maybe the shocks need to be changed, I surmised.  I am not mechanic nor do I truly understand the inner workings of a motor vehicle, but I have just about enough knowledge to know when something is wrong with my car.

After another day of making this observation, I called my mechanic, who took the vehicle to have it properly checked and let me know that the “links” needed to be changed.  On his first assessment, he also let me know that I would have been able to drive for a few more days, etc., but I was not comfortable.  The sound made me nervous, so I had to get it repaired with immediate effect, despite the unplanned financial sacrifice it would take. 

In a jiffy, my car is repaired by one of the most reliable mechanics I know, who ensured that all was well in my car-driving world, and I was back on the streets again!

See what I did there?  I recognized immediately that there was an issue with potential disaster looming.  Right away, I did as the problem instructed.  I knew it was time to call a mechanic, because this was an issue I couldn’t have solved on my own.  I didn’t have the right tools nor proper know-how regardless of my ability to read and understand.  With his years of service and expertise, I was sure he would have been able to fix the issue, or refer me to someone more capable, at the very least; I trusted that.  Plus, it would not have served me and the things I must accomplish in my day to day had my car been further damaged, because of my lack of proper intervention.

As I move forward with this piece, please keep in mind the concept of “proper intervention”.

I say all this (and this was a true story) to bring to the fore an issue that continues to plague human beings, especially in this time – our MENTAL HEALTH.  I have witnessed well-thinking, educated, good-intentioned human beings who know deep down that something wasn’t right with their mental space do nothing or hardly anything to get proper intervention to resolve the matter; admittedly, I am guilty of that.  We hear, in our personal lives, our own version of the “klunk ku klunk” sound that my car made; so many of us are walking around with issues in our lives/mind, etc. that we know we cannot resolve on our own; yet, we do nothing about it. 

We are quicker to fix those things that are clearly seen, but never our mind space – not until it is too late, for many of us.  I think I have discussed mental health more than any other topic in the past four months.  But there is a reason for that… all you have to do is to pay attention and you can’t help but see/hear, etc.  what is happening globally in our current climate.

It is being reported that mental health continues to worsen, and many countries are ill-prepared to handle the crisis.  With this, we can all agree that mental health is not just the “hot topic,” nor is it to be considered buzz words; it is a necessary topic that has become even more discussed and addressed now than it has ever been.  But it has to be more than just a topic of discussion, we have to change the narrative in terms of how, when and where we enter into these discussions about caring for your mental state with “proper interventions”. 

So what then is mental health?

There are many different types of mental illnesses, also called mental disorders, that range from depression to schizophrenia to eating disorders, and these have many different presentations.  While this is definitely not my forte, I will not be discussing how these manifests.  However, I am aware that many times we won’t truly know our diagnosis, if we do not seek proper interventions.  But how many of us actually do that?  Unfortunately, we have been taught to minimize that which cannot be touched and to self-fix, so we do not run to get the help we need at any cost, because many of us are convinced that our mental health is easily fixed by a prayer and a pause (from life).  While I believe in the power of prayer, the evidence is there to support that prayer also requires work; we need to allow the Lord to lead us to the right mental health professional, so that we can get the proper mental health care.  The same way we rely on the best orthopaedic surgeon to fix our broken bones, or the best ophthalmologist to rectify our cataract, or the best orthodontist to straighten our smiles, is the same way we should normalize seeking the “proper interventions” (by a trained professional) to resolve those mental issues that we KNOW we are experiencing before it is too late. (It is for this very reason that women who experience what is commonly referred to as “invisible” abuse are not given the same level of interventions as those who experience physical abuse; but this was discussed in an earlier post).

How many of us have saved in our phones the numbers for a mechanic, a physician/surgeon, a gynaecologist, a dentist, an ophthalmologist, etc.?  How many of us have the number for a therapist/psychologist – mental health professional?  The checks in my own little corner reveal that majority answered “yes” to the former, and “no” to the latter. For many mental illness/health is an enigma that is kept hush-hush thereby creating different unhealthy responses that may include, but not limited to:

  • Parents note that something is off with their child but ignore it or chalk it down to “growing pains”.
  • Women realize that they are not operating as “normal” and try to self-fix.
  • Men refuse to talk or seek professional help, because of the stigma attached to going to therapy; instead, they redirect in unhealthy ways.
  • Workplace do not put the proper systems in place to make workers comfortable to address their issues.
  • Schools do not do enough to pay attention and intervene the necessary help, before it is too late.
  • The church believes that everything will be solved with prayer and fasting without encouraging congregants to be led to “proper interventions”.

In the end, when things become sinister, the conversation is usually, “…. had I known/paid attention, etc.”

According to the World Health Organization, “Mental health is a state of well-being in which an individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and is able to make a contribution to his or her community.  Mental health is fundamental to our collective and individual ability as humans to think, emote, interact with each other, earn a living and enjoy life[1]”.

  • How any of us can read this definition and truly say that we are doing and experiencing all that is required to achieve mental health? Or
  • How many of us are just literally going through the motions?
  • How many of us feel temporary gratification?

In 2020 and since the start of 2021, the public cases of what it looks like to have a mental breakdown have become more visible.  More and more, celebrities and people who operate in the public space have been acting to raise awareness by sharing their own experiences about the dangers of mental illnesses and more critical, the dangers of not seeking the “proper interventions”.

Interestingly, while writing this, I was alerted to a “live” YouTube video of a vlogger reporting on an individual who had deliberately driven herself into a river (allegedly), where she ultimately passed away.  We then watched live as her vehicle was pulled from the river….  In other news, the world watched with bated breath as the tennis player, Naomi Osaka, made the decision to forego being interviewed by the press.  In the end, she made a statement about her mental health as the reason for her decision.  Of course, the reviews from “onlookers” were mixed.  Most people agreed with her stance, while others criticised her decision.  This is what we often do to others who are experiencing mental turmoil and who decide to do what they feel is best for them.  We chastise them into silence, thereby silencing what could have been real discussions that would help real people experiencing real life situations to seek the proper interventions needed.  Still, while both scenarios had different outcomes, it served to raise awareness and to open even wider, the mental health dialogue.  Regardless, the narrative must be changed, but how do we do this, for good?

Normalize talking about it, and normalize seeking proper interventions that come from a capable mental health professional.  In some parts of the world, mental illness is not a feature of the subsidized health benefits, so this must change. Not enough of us are quick to seek the professional help needed to adjust our mental health, thereby preventing us from achieving WHO’s standard mentioned earlier.  Aside from working to change the narrative, there are many of us who believe that there is nothing that a trip/staycation cannot solve.  I won’t suggest that these things are not helpful on a surface level.  I am saying that the same way we are quick to address the klunk ku klunk in other areas of our lives is the way we should be proactive and quick to address the brokenness in our mental space, and the systems in place must be of such that it facilitates this. 

As someone who has had my own experiences with mental illness, directly and indirectly, I understand the complex nature of getting the necessary proper intervention.  I also understand that many of us are not trying to deliberately harm ourselves by not taking this matter as seriously as we should.  Aside from the system barriers, for many, it is it is our own personal belief system that often impedes how we proceed with taking care of our mental health; for example:

  • Some of us have trust issues, so we talk to trusted friends and family who are incapable of offering the proper intervention.
  • Others of us have shame ingrained in us, so we keep our mental anguish hidden
  • For others, it is it financial issues, where we are unable to pay for the service
  • Others of us have denial issues that prevent us accepting what is.
  • Then there are others who are far gone and are therefore incapable of making the decision on their own.

The solution to address this mental health crisis during this time is not only about “talk to you friends/check up on your friends”.  While it does include that, it is much deeper than that.  If someone told us that they fell and may have broken an arm or leg, we would have insisted on them visiting a physician.   We would probably even offer to take the “injured” to the doctor’s.  Mental illness is an invisible injury that requires the same level of urgency. We should help to change the narrative and encourage and insist on those who we know are not ok going to see a mental health professional – someone who can help us to address the “klunk ku klunk” in our mental space – so that we can get the proper interventions needed the way I was quick to do when I discovered that something was not right with my car.

Soon, I shall take my own advice and utilize the numbers I have been walking around with for months!

[1] https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/mental-health-strengthening-our-response

REJECTION IS AS NECESSARY AS IT IS INEVITABLE!

I am STILL trying to figure out why the world is so cruel to women.  The data presented on the World Health Organization website[1] is frightening and puts into perspective that violence against women is a global crisis, so much so that it is being referred to as “devastatingly pervasive”. The question that begs to be asked is, are we being targeted simply because we are women or is there something else at stake here?  

What readily comes to mind is that of rejection, which has always been of interest to me.  I often think about its inevitability and our response to it.  In more recent times, it has been bothering me as we begin to see an insurmountable rise in the crimes being committed against women.  The gruesome nature of these acts are overwhelmingly frightening and one can’t help but wonder why.  Not just the obvious why? But those hidden reasons that we do not readily have access to – those that are connected to childhood and how we were raised. 

As I pondered, the matter of rejection keeps emerging in the media as one of the main reasons for these gruesome crimes against women.  Because of this, I am forced to ask:

  • Why have we not successfully reinforced the natural nature of rejection?  (As sure as the night will turn to day, is as sure as rejection will happen at some point in our lives). 
  • So why have we not understood and accepted this? 
  • Why isn’t rejection normalized?! 
  • Why have we failed to reinforce this inevitability with our children – with our boys – so that when they become adults they are able to understand its necessity and are consciously able to move on from it without hate and anger, despite how we may  feel?

Let us put this concept into proper perspective, before I continue.  According to the Oxford dictionary, reject means “to dismiss as inadequate, unacceptable or faulty.”  In other words, you are simply not what we are looking for, because you do not have those things that we want, for whatever reason.  Understood, but why do we respond so deeply to being rejected?  According to Nafeen and Jahan (2019) rejection is a looming threat in everyone’s life; with every attempt at something new or difficult, there is the possibility that one will be rejected. 

Aint that the truth?!

I have helped my offspring to navigate a few experiences when she was much younger, where I had to introduce her to what it meant to not be ‘selected”….  I can’t say that after one introduction that she was became fully accepting of and easily maneuvered future rejections, because that didn’t happen.  What I noted is that it required constant reinforcement of the idea that being “rejected” is not the end of the world.  Now that she is much older, I do see that she is more understanding that rejection will happen, especially as she begins to grow and explore more of the world around her, and where she, too, has had to reject certain people, places, animals and things (LOL).

As adults, it is our responsibility to let our children (boys and girls) know that rejection does not stop the more seasoned we become in our adult life.  In fact, adults continue to get rejected way into our adult lives outside of a romantic interest but within a broader context of LIFE … jobs, promotions, loans, friendships, interviews, journal articles, and the list could go on …. In the past two years alone, there were several things that I wanted and “tried out” for that I was not “selected” for, because I didn’t have what was “required” or it simply just was just not meant for me.  Admittedly, those moments were disappointing and at times demotivating, but, for me, those feelings were temporal and temporary, and served as my redirection into that which I was better suited.   I accepted, and I moved on.  Furthermore, it is also important to understand and accept rejection, because there are also benefits to be derived in this space of discomfort.  While Harvard Business Review agrees that rejection can be filled with discomfort and pain, they also state that rejection can help us to become better, come up with new ideas or to redirect our path into something else.

The truth of the matter is that there are some rejections that are way more stressful to navigate; those are the ones that we must ensure that we have those uncomfortable conversations about so that we learn how to properly respond to.

Nafeen and Jahan (2019) highlight that rejection is a kind of extreme stress felt in response to a number of factors which can lead to rejection sensitivity, social distancing, exclusion, identify conflict, insecurity and even violence.  For some, rejection is such a sensitive issue that many of us have not learned to properly accept and/or navigate.   We do ourselves and society a disservice by not teaching ourselves and our offspring/those in our ward how to handle rejection.  This should be something that is embedded into the psyche of our children once they are able to understand the concept. 

I do understand that for many the matter of rejection is a complex one that may have caused childhood trauma that they have not properly healed from.  Therefore, when it happens in adult life, it sends off a trigger that may cause a person to respond in irrational ways.  I don’t understand and cannot accept, however, the gruesome manner in which some of our men (and women) have opted to respond to being told “no”.

With this in mind, I wonder…. Should handling rejection be taught throughout formal schooling and practiced in role play for both girls and boys so that our society (those coming up) understand that rejection is as inevitable as it is necessary? I truly believe so.  My readings reveal that it as important as it is to teach children to address problematic behaviours within themselves, it is as important for us to help them to overcome rejection and to move on from it.  This is something that is not just for school but should be reinforced within homes non-stop, so that it is normalized as part of everyone’s rite of passage. 

After all, we reject, and we are rejected throughout our life – a cycle that continues until we die!  Literally.

As stated earlier, I do understand the complex nature of rejection.  I imgine what it would be like for a child whose parent(s) may have rejected him/her and how devastating that would be in relation to how he/she responds in his/her adult life, especially if the matter is not resolved.  But I also imagine that if this is introduced early with tips on how to handle rejection, then it being normalized would be an actual thing.

Rejection, being a prime reason for gruesome crimes being committed against women, is not unique to any one country.  This is an epidemic that is occurring the world over.  This is a global concern.  A study, Macquire University, Australia (2010)[2] posits that “some men, having experienced rejection within their families of origin or in relation to past partners, become sensitive to potential rejection in their current relationships,” which lends itself to what the study asserts to be a “rejection-abuse cycle,” which identifies a pattern of perpetrator behavior, which links rejection, threat to self, defense against threat, and abuse.

A woman leaves a man for someone else.  Does she deserve death?  Why?  What does it profit a man?  Literally!  He eliminates her body, so she no longer exists, and what is the derived satisfaction? 

Or an even more common occurrence…. you see her; you want her, and she tells you no, and you become angry, so you eliminate her for good. Why?  What is it about rejection that is too much for you to handle?  Then there is the flip side of this.  A woman becomes rejected by a man, but she appears unbothered.  Guess what… she is also punished for her response, or the lack thereof.  Crazy right?!  But it does happen.

“She wants you, but you don’t want her” is as NORMAL as “him wanting you, and you having no interest”!  I want a job, but the job doesn’t think I am suitable, so they don’t take me.  This is also normal and okay.  He applied for a loan, but he does not have enough support to indicate his ability to repay, so he does not get loan.  This is normal.  Your friend, for whatever reason, no longer wants to interact, so you both walk away from the friendship.  It happens, and this too is alright! 

Not everything that we want will want us, and not everything that wants us is desirable to us (job, partner, friendship, etc).  And if you have not been taught to say NO when you are not interested, then that is also something that should be taught (but that is for another blog).

We can all agree that it can be one of the most daunting experiences when you have your heart set on something and you do not get it – were not chosen for it in the end.  Sometimes, this is God’s way of preparing us for that which is better for us; we should, therefore, let the feeling of rejection pass through us so that we don’t end up damaging ourselves and others.

I am sure that many will argue that the solution is not as simple as teaching about how to manoeuvre rejection, etc. since the way people respond may have a lot to do with some deep rooted psychological issues (for example, sex, power, gender roles, socialization, etc).  We agree earlier that rejection is complex. I still assert that rejection needs to be introduced early into childhood so that it can be normalized.

The bottom line is, we need to properly introduce into our everyday discourse those conversations that seek to explain, etc. the matter of rejection and its inevitability and necessity so that we are lot less aggressive with our responses.  This will, I believe, help our children to become men (and women) who seek healthy and helpful alternatives to character and/or physical assassination with the normalized understanding that rejection is inevitable as it is necessary!

[1] https://www.who.int/news/item/09-03-2021-devastatingly-pervasive-1-in-3-women-globally-experience-violence

[2] Brown, J., James, K., & Taylor, A. (2010). Caught in the rejection-abuse cycle: Are we really treating perpetrators of domestic abuse effectively? Journal of Family Therapy, 32(3), 280-307. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6427.2010.00494.x