MAYBE IT’S ME!

In “The Chronicles of a Woman: The Truth-Teller” (Vol.2), I introduced a section called “Introspection,” where I presented a series of poems titled “Maybe It’s Me” 1 – 7.  For clarity, there are seven poems that explore the notion that we all have a role to play in the events in our lives – directly or indirectly.  These pieces suggest that there are instances (good or bad) where we need to introspect and deconstruct the ideology that maybe, just maybe, it is us and not them or that maybe it is us AND them.   This exploration is something that happens to many of us once we decide to give our lives to Christ.  On our road to transformation, He will make us see ourselves AND the people around us within the context of His Word.  So, while I was in that space of contextually looking within, I was examining the demise of certain relationships along with the people in my life as well as those who are no longer in my life, for one reason or the other.   The pieces of “Introspection” live up to the name of the book and chronicles what I deem to be internal struggles and the manifestations of that in relation to my experiences with others.  The poems also present my perspective on my observations of what I also deem to be the internal struggles of others and how those manifest in relation to their own interactions and outcomes with the people in their lives.    What was borne was the consideration that maybe what is happening to us is simply because of us… maybe… just maybe, we are the cause, which is sometimes good and sometimes bad and other time neither good nor bad (fortunate nor unfortunate).

As I continue to explore this ideology and observe human nature, especially those who believe they are at the pinnacle of their professional career and lack the accountability compass, I realize that we are all so flawed in our perception of ourselves and operate with some amount of dishonesty and superiority in relation to the reality of the space we occupy.    Of course, this is not absolute since there are those of us who recognize that it is, in fact, us but are somewhat averse to openly admitting that it is, in truth, us.  Our reason for doing this is a myriad of things attached to our human complexities. 

Not to mention, the internet is bombarded with memes and reels of people encouraging others on how to navigate being hurt and/or betrayed.  There is no shortage of people guarding us from the hurt of others and showing us what to do when we are hurt, discarded, disregarded, or lied on by others, especially those we trust or who convinced us that we could trust.  But what do we do when we are forced to accept or even consider that we are to blame – that we are the betrayer, the liar, the cheater, the discarder – the true antagonist – and the ultimate reason for the demise of these relationships/interactions.  Do we sit with this consideration long enough to accept that it is us, maybe?

It is important to sit with this, after we have experienced the pain of whatever the situation because “Maybe it’s me” forces us (whether we want to or not) to:

Be accountable, which doesn’t happen without truth.  Accepting responsibility means that you would have seen where you went wrong, and typically a person who is willing to accept responsibility (and I am not talking about people pleasers who will blindly accept responsibility to save face) are those who are willing to work on being better people.  Of course, all of this is occurring within the context of our walk with God – being guided by scripture of who we should be in Christ.

The questions that beg to be asked are:

  • Why are we so unwilling or afraid to delve into the idea that maybe, it is us? 
  • What is it about this exploration that frightens us or shames us out of giving this real thought?

Psychologists already have some answers about why we shift blame and not honestly explore our role in life’s demises.  They assert “Blame Avoidance Behavior” as a key reason.  One blog highlights that it is easier to blame others than to confront the uncomfortable truth of self-examination.  This, they say, is a form of emotional avoidance, which benefits (in my estimation), at least publicly, those who refuse to look within.  This “integrity-protecting activity,” which psychologists aptly sum up as a pattern, is an understandable alternative, especially if the benefit of pointing the finger far outweighs that of self-reflection.  Be that as it may, I believe this is something worth exploring.

In our quest to ascertain if it was us (and not them), here are some things to consider:

  • Maybe we were too hasty with our decision
  • Maybe we didn’t listen to our gut
  • Maybe we could have been honest
  • Maybe all of what is happening is by God’s design
  • Maybe we needed to be silent
  • Maybe we didn’t lead well
  • Maybe we should have leaned into our calling
  • Maybe we didn’t listen to sound council
  • Maybe we were too greedy
  • Maybe leaving was right.
  • Maybe we valued the wrong things
  • Maybe we were unkind
  • Maybe we responded to fear
  • Maybe we did not seize the day
  • Maybe we were unwise.
  • Maybe we could have chosen forgiveness.
  • Maybe we didn’t trust God.

Whatever the “maybe” in our own situation, it is worth the consideration.  In fact, I have found that it is only in accepting where we went wrong, or where and how we sinned that we are able to seek forgiveness, repent and move on from that situation in peace.  Conversely, the long-term effects of not owning our role and laying blame elsewhere are more sinister.    And if after honestly checking if it was us and we find that it was not, we would have at the very least, gained insight into our situation, which will help us to heal faster and/or forgive (ourselves and others), than we would if we had spent our time in denial and lacking accountability.

And 2024 was a success… not BUT!

Many of us started 2024 with a list of things we hoped to achieve.  For many, the desires of our heart were attached to the house, the car, the job, the improved relationship with loved ones, or a new romantic relationship.  Despite the efforts of many, it seemed that none of those things would come to fruition.  Instead, many were meted with disappointment of some sort: rejection, betrayal, alienation, and uphill battles in relationships, jobs, and other key parts of your life.      OR, if you received some of those material things, you still felt unfulfilled.

If, however, those disappointments or feeling of unfulfillment led you to a closer walk with God, then you would have achieved greater than what money could ever buy!  What I know for a fact, is that every pain has a purpose.  The problem is that some of us do not pay close enough attention to what our pain is telling us, so we miss the mark.  We miss the mark to let our pain teach us and change us.  In many instances, it is because we focus on the pain itself and feeling sorry for ourselves, instead of using the pain as the opportunity to improve our relationship with God.   Invariably, life has a way of giving us what we need and not necessarily what we want, especially if at our core, we have the desire to serve God. 

We go through battles for many reasons.  Often the reasons is not made known to us until the pain has passed.  Maybe, there is something that we need to learn.  Maybe, we are somewhere we shouldn’t be.  Maybe, we are in a relationship we KNOW does not serve us, that we need to leave.  Maybe, there is something that we are doing that we shouldn’t be doing.  Maybe there is a space where God wants us to enter that our stubbornness is preventing.  Our battles are designed, in many cases, to take us to the space (mental, physical, spiritual) that we are supposed to be, and no amount of intervention on the part of our friends and/or family will prevent that happening. 

Whatever the case, we are encouraged that instead of looking at our pains and disappointments as failures, maybe we should change our perspective to see if maybe… just maybe, there are other moments that we should give consideration to; for example:

  • If, in 2024, you learned to replace worry with worship, you succeeded.
  • If, in 2024, you improved your prayer life, you succeeded.
  • If, in 2024, you forgave those who hurt you, you succeeded.
  • If, in 2024, you forgave yourself, you succeeded.
  • If, in 2024, you sat in self-reflection and changed for the better, you succeeded.
  • If, in 2024, you gave your life to Christ, you succeeded.
  • If, in 2024, you focussed on getting to know God through HIS Word, you succeeded.
  • If, in 2024, you operated in obedience of God’s Word, you succeeded.
  • If, in 2024, you exercised faith, you succeeded.
  • If, in 2024, you treated your body as the temple of God, you succeeded.
  • If, in 2024, you turned away from sin and killed your flesh, you succeeded.
  • If, in 2024, you operated in repentance, you succeeded.
  • If in 2024, you truly loved yourself, based on God’s love for you, you succeeded.
  • If, in 2024, you testified and brought someone closer to God, you succeeded.

If the end of 2024, despite the challenges you continue to face, brought you peace beyond understanding and joyful for what 2025 will bring because you know who you are and whose you are in Christ, you have succeeded.  Ultimately, the other desires of your heart (in Christ) will be met.

Do not focus on the betrayal, the illness, the alienation, the lies, the deliberate efforts to hurt you, the losses, the hurt, the pain, the disappointments, or worry about the future.  God has you in your quest to serve HIM.

Are you there yet?  I know I am! 

As we ponder our true success moments of 2024 and improve our walk with God, let us ruminate on the following scripture:

Psalm 37 v 3 – 6 (NKJV)

3. Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. 4. Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. 5. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.  6. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.

WELCOME TO 2025, where continued success awaits!

WORRY LOVE

It had only been a week since the passing of a colleague’s parent, and when asked how he was doing he said he was doing fine.  “I am calm, so maybe it has not hit me yet,” he said.  “Soon, it will.  I am sure,” he continued.

 “Maybe, this is the peace beyond understanding that God is giving you.  The peace beyond understanding that we always pray to receive… maybe this is it,” I said.

“Yes, you are so right,” he agreed.

As we spoke more about how he actively cared for his loved one during his ailment, I expressed my observation that this is what we do whenever we feel peace in situations that the world tells us we should worry.  We tend to question peace when we should really be thanking God. 

He emphatically agreed.

Curious it is that this scenario presented itself to me when I have been walking around with the notion of associating worry with love for the past six weeks.  It’s been bugging me the way I talk myself out of peace and into worry as an act of showcasing (to myself) love for close friends/family.  The question that’s been bugging me is:

Why do we believe that if we don’t worry about our loved ones (during their time of turmoil), we are somehow not exhibiting love?   

The last six weeks have been intense, because there has been a myriad of eventualities in relation to my offspring being in another country that have caused me distress, because I genuinely feel everything she experiences, whether good or bad.  I literally experience the emotion (or what I deem it to be) and then some.

Luckily for me, I have learned to replace worry with worship.  In other words, whenever I start to fret and become anxious, I read His word, pray, and wear my prayer like my second skin.   I stay in praise and worship and operate in faith until I feel “peace beyond understanding”. 

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication let your request be known to God.” Philippians 4 vs 6

The struggle

I wish I could tell you that was it… that all’s well that ends well. For some strange reason, I suffer a sense of guilt when I feel peace and joy and find myself moving back into worry as if to justify my love (for her).  It’s not like she requires that of me.  It is simply something that just happens.  After the worry begins to, once again, latch itself I usually catch myself and pull myself up and out of that negative space.

Why is permanently removing worry such a struggle?    As I reflect on my own response over time, I recognize that many do this because:

  • Worry is a habit – a tradition almost:  I recognize the association of worry and love is not something that I did of my own.  It is what we see and have known since childhood, in movies, in family, in friendships, and the other communities for which we are a part.  I get it though; since worry is emotional, it helps us to validate our feelings and connections with our loved ones.
  • Our faith is weak or non-existent:  The Bible teaches us, through His word, that obedience and faith go hand in hand.  We are shown many reasons for this; still, we don’t believe.  We have evidence that we are currently existing today because of His grace and mercy and even our display of faith at other points in our lives.  Yet, we conveniently forget, each time a situation arises.
  • We associate worry with care: Although we understand worry to be counterproductive, there is something that forces us to accept that the lack of worry when our loved one is in distress equates the lack of care.  For some strange reason, the more pain or discomfort we feel and exhibit, the more it showcases the love we have for our people.
  • Worry is a preparation/problem-solving technique:  There are many of us who like to feel prepared for the guaranteed challenges of life.  Pace (2020) highlights that people conflate worry with problem-solving.  This, her article went on to say, causes us to focus on trying to figure out how to avoid those worst-case-scenario outcomes.
  • There is a mental health challenge:  For some, worry and anxiety are manifestations of serious issues hinged on poor mental health and can lead to sinister outcomes.  They may suffer from an anxiety disorder, which often results in them becoming physically ill.   

Navigating worry

Obviously, the problem doesn’t disappear because we worry.  Essentially, worry changes nothing, except that it might age us and make us appear older than we are.  We know this!  How, then, do we stop ourselves?

I replace worry with praise and worship, and it works!  This involves immersing ourselves in scripture and trusting that God WILL take care of us.  We are here today, because He took care of us yesterday.   God has shown me on numerous occasions that He has me covered.  We now see, however, that this thought process must be continuous and intentional.

There are benefits to reminding ourselves of the counterintuitive nature of worry. Worry is connected to fear, and fear is not of God.  I am sure that I am not unique when I say that worry is heavy and silly. For those who recognize that their worry is more than a bad habit or a lie we tell ourselves, and more of a mental help challenge, it helps to seek professional help and utilize the tools given. 

Whatever our reason for worry, we must remind ourselves of who we are in Christ as well as reflect on what He has already done for us, which we do by immersing ourselves in scripture and applying them to our situations.    This will help us to see clearly that the extent of our love for the people in our lives is not attached to the extent of our worry.  But we cannot be wishy-washy about our approach. When we pray, we must operate in complete faith by believing that Our Father is who He says He is to us.

“The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the strength of my life of whom shall I be afraid.”  Psalm 27 v 1

Disobedient adults

Romans 7 vs 15 – 18 (NKJV)

15 For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. 16 If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. 17 But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. 18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find.“

The car ride home is a short yet winding one, but this is where I usually reflect on the day that was and have a chat with my Father.  In my quest to serve Him, I am always examining my day and repenting for that which I didn’t do to honor Him, no matter how small.  As I took the sharp corner to make my way through the hills and valleys (literally), I burst out laughing.  It occurred to me that if I, as an adult, have such a challenge with obedience, what say my daughter. 

I spoke out loud, in contemplation.

“I am an adult who understands right from wrong, especially in Christ.  I am a full-blown adult who knows what my Father requires of me, especially now that I am immersed in His word.  I understand that the wages of sin (no matter how small) is death (literally and figuratively) and that He requires us to keep His Commandments, have faith, live according to the Fruit of the Spirit, etc.).  Now, if I, as an adult, understand all of this and do the wrong thing still (no matter how small), how hard must it have been for my daughter, especially as a toddler, and as a teenager to do the “right” thing.   Dang!”

Now that my relationship with God sheds daily light on my own blunders, I cannot imagine (not true… I can actually imagine) the difficulty she must have faced doing all the things she was instructed to do amidst getting to know herself, the childhood distractions and influences all around. Had I connected my own adult disobedience with her natural progression sooner, I wouldn’t have been as hard as I was on her, because Lord knows I make mistakes every. Single. Day. 

I burst out laughing again, because I am certain that there are many adults, who like me, struggle with obedience.

The realization hit me that I was sometimes too hard on her in her own quest to do “the right thing” – to be obedient – while trying to navigate the hormonal dandy-shandy that must have been her mind. 

“Jah know,” I thought to myself as I continued to do a side-by-side mental assessment of me now and her then (and even now). 

The truth is parents who are committed to parenting right (even when we don’t because of our humanness) want what’s best for our children.  If we are open enough, we will see that the intensity (as well as the lax) with which we parent/correct/discipline, etc. stem from fear (which we understand is not of God).  We simply do not want them to fall by the wayside.  If only we could simultaneously examine our own adult shortcomings as adult children of God while parenting them, I believe we will agree that maybe we were a little too hard (and sometimes unforgiving) in how we responded to their blunders.  Poor little things.  The grace us adult children of God ask for daily is the grace we need to give our own children on their journey to becoming.

In any event, I am thankful that my FATHER is not like one of us, because Lord knows the times I have had to repent and ask for forgiveness.   

To my daughter, I will again say, “Pumpkin, please forgive me.”

DisappointHIM

Has anyone ever expressed the extent to which they are disappointed in you?

Did that expression hurt, or did you simply shrug your shoulders and kept it moving?

More importantly, have you ever disappointed yourself?

If so, from whence does that disappointment stem?

According to an online source, “The noun disappointment comes from the Middle French word disappointer, meaning “undo the appointment,” or “remove from office.”   Today, disappointment has taken on a new meaning that is mostly relating to what happens with and between people when things do not go as planned or to their liking. Though our response to being disappointed or being considered a disappointment can be an unpleasant experience, we should make a deliberate effort to examine and correctly assess the situation and contextualize our response.   In fact, Kets de Vries, from Harvard Business Review (2018) asserts that a positive response to disappointment can be a self-curative process that can contribute to personal growth and make for greater resilience.  It is from a self-curative and faith-based angle that I tackle the notion of being considered a disappointment (by others and/or by myself).

That self-disappointment usually comes from the standards you have set for yourself.

But those standards don’t usually just fall from the sky.  Now do they?  Those standards are usually attached to your own value system… a value system that is greater than oneself.  For me, that value system is guided by the Word of God and His purpose for my life.

Though I have always believed in God and have always prayed, it is only in the last two or so years that I have made a conscious and consistent effort to study The Bible to get to know who God is and what He means to me.  The more I study and get to know HIM is the closer I feel to Him and the more pronounced the presence of the Holy Spirit has been in my life.  In fact, this walk has revealed in me things about myself that I now come to see as problematic and have forced me to adjust those things in keeping with The Fruit of the Spirit, the Commandments and every other righteousness and faith instructions The Holy Bible presents.  The reverse is also true that I have also seen those things in me that are good and am kinder with the things I say to and about myself.

It is on my relationship with God that my value system is hinged:  i.e. doing RIGHT in Christ.  So, when I accept my action to be “disappointing,” whether in myself or someone in me, it is because I have accepted that I have operated outside of what God considers to be Righteous, which usually means I have, in some way, disobeyed Him and in some way sinned.   That is how I NOW operate in relation to disappointments.  I don’t accept someone’s disappointment in me in isolation.  If I am to accept the disappointment as applicable, it must be hinged on me operating outside of what God wants of me.  Once this occurs, my disappointment is mine to humbly own.

When you “disappoint” (someone), you fail to fulfil the expectations of that person.   But expectations are nuanced, especially because, as I have loosely explored earlier, we do not all possess the same value system.   Some people expect you to lie for them; give them more of you than you can give; expend your resources in a way that you can’t; respond positively to their manipulative tactics, operate in perfection or simply live the life they want to benefit their agenda.  In fact, once we agree to have people in our lives, we are going to disappoint and be disappointed… but we should taper that.

Obviously, a person’s expressed disappointment can either be accepted or rejected and ultimately acted upon, either way.  For example, if you tell me that you are disappointed that I didn’t write your research paper for you, I definitely don’t have to accept that. If I agree with someone (anyone) that I have operated in a manner that is disappointing, I have acknowledged and accepted that I did not honor my Heavenly Father. In this case, I am showcasing my vulnerability because this is an admission of a blunder and an act against HIS value system that I have established as my own, and which requires humility.  Conversely, If I reject the expressed disappointment, it is because I recognize that your expectations of me are outside of who I am or am becoming in Christ; therefore, that disappointment is that person’s to resolve.  Ultimately, an expressed disappointment should typically yield one of two responses; please forgive me or I am sorry.  And guess what?  Those two responses are not one and the same, so they are expressing two different things.

Essentially, we can’t always accept an expressed disappointment in us as gospel nor should we always take it personal.  We must examine ourselves to ensure that we are not putting undue stress on ourselves to accept the expectations that others have placed on us, especially when those expectations do not reconcile with our own value system – in CHRIST.

Bottomline, whenever, I refuse to operate in obedience and work toward the plans HE has for my life (which must work in tandem with having a faithful walk with HIM), I will always be disappointed in me because I believe I have disappointed Him.  So, telling me, from that angle, is a necessary salt on a wound to help me acknowledge and break up my fallow grounds.  But that’s me.  At the end of the day, what we do with that disappointment because of our failure to honor our walk with Him is a discussion for another time.  In addition to my own response, I stand with Pierre (2021) who states that our disappointments should provoke two actions from us: lamentation and seeking. 

Beautified Abuse

Good for you if you have never offended anyone or if anyone has never offended you.  Clearly, you are living under a rock.  Obviously, we are all going to offend/hurt each other (in great or small ways) at some point in our interactions with each other – friends, family, coworkers, strangers-in-passing, etc.  Once we coexist at home, in the workplace ecosystem, church, etc., it is bound to happen.  The issue is that some of us do not have the interest in letting bygones be bygones; we possess, instead, the capacity and desire to punish – to let the offender pay – until we think we are satisfied with the sanction we have inflicted.   And many, because of the position we occupy in the different systems we occupy, find very creative and clever ways in which to do so.   Therefore, woe unto that man or woman who has stepped out of line and offended he/she whose messianic ways do not allow for the offence to go unpunished – those who refuse to let forgiveness be the order of the day.

Every year, across the globe, there are several days out of the year that are recognized as days against something abuse-related and are therefore dedicated to raising awareness and establishing strategies geared toward ending a particular abuse type.  For example, Violence against Women Day in November; Human Rights Day in December; World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse also in November, Males Victims of Domestic Abuse Day, and the list goes on.   Unfortunately, victims of certain silent abuse tactics do not have the space to end the abuse, or for it to even be acknowledged as such.

The thing about punishers whose ill-intention and ill-actions go unnoticed is that they operate in the awareness of the obvious abuse patterns and therefore avoid those.  They, instead, beautify their punishment/abuse, so it goes unnoticed or unchecked.  They recognize that certain actions often are too violent and understand that there are worst things than death, so they thrive in that space.  For example, imagine hearing someone on the job say of someone who offended them, “I can make their life a living hell” and then watch them do that, unchecked, and for an extended period.  Those who understand that there are, in fact, worse things than death, thrive in the space of utilizing access to systems and spaces that will support certain actions for which they are not held accountable and/or are allowed to continue.  Guess why? The idea that everything can be beautified makes it easier for certain abuse to occur without being detected.  Cambridge online dictionary defines beautification as “the process of improving the appearance of someone or something.”  In other words, though abuse is obviously bad and ugly, it can be beautified based on the who, when and how.

There are people who understand the position they occupy, especially within a hierarchical system, and are intentional about how they go about using those systems to assist in the beautification of their abuse.  Even without the obvious hierarchical systems in certain informal groups, there are systems that guide those who are at the helm and who have certain influences (at home, on the job, at church, etc), and the people who are a part of this understand and remain silent in observance of certain subtle, but dreadful and damaging abuse-patterns, for more reasons than one.  The beauty in this, for those who insist that offenders experience “worst things than death,” is how easy it is for them to utilize everything about their influence to let offenders feel this.  This beautification tactic may occur in multiple ways, but some of those most used are as follows:

  • Publicly highlighting someone else’s contribution and ignoring yours
  • Acknowledging everyone else in a respectfully chirpy way but barely acknowledging you or ignoring you altogether.
  • Publicly giving everyone a well-thought-out gift, but yours looks like it was grabbed-on-the-go.
  • Issuing of a back-handed compliment
  • Providing access for everyone else (but you) to have that “thing” they know you have always wanted.
  • Warning everyone in the group of imminent danger but ensuring that you are not told.
  • Cleaning up after everyone else but ignoring your “mess”.
  • Making a big hullabaloo over something minor you did, while giving allowance to everyone else for making mistakes.
  • Always criticizing you/your work (openly or privately).
  • Deliberately planning events where you are never invited or where they know you would be uncomfortable attending.
  • Intentionally withholding key information from you
  •  Deliberately doing things that they know (but others may not realize) will get a rise out of you.

Much of this inexhaustive list is hinged on the ways in which the abuser’s/punisher’s space responds to them.  In other words, who they are in the space and the power they yield.  What better way to ensure that you feel their wrath than to be “kind” to everyone else and not you.  That way they have discreetly engaged the masses to see them as better and you as deserving of whatever it is that they are doing to you.  Though it may be obvious that you are being treated differently, it might be viewed as justified within the context of their general “kindness” to everyone else. 

But they know what they are doing.  And you know what they are doing.  And they know that you know what they are doing, which is why they have taken great measures to beautify their abuse.  But they are not the only ones who can be strategic.  Even the abused can find a way to see the beauty in the abuse and heal from it.  That oxymoronic statement (beauty in the abuse), in and of itself, feels abusive, but ruminate on the following points to see if this method to the madness is making some sense:

  • Knowing is half the battle:  Understand that the beauty in recognizing that abuser and their abuse tactics is that you understand you will overcome and are better able to navigate once you know what is happening.  Typically, once we are aware, our responses can be measured and intentional, so can our healing process.
  • Though the background and pains of the punisher is not your concern, generally, the beauty is understanding that abusers are typically people who have deep-rooted challenges, insecurities, and traumas that they are yet to address.  This knowledge may help you to better balance/manage your response, especially if this is happening in spaces where you spend most of your time (school, home, work, etc.). 
  • Evil exists.  And evil doesn’t always appear the way the story books tell us.  Evil can be pretty and dolled up and at the top of the food chain.  Evil is clever in their attempts to harm.  It is why the beautification tactic works.  Knowing, therefore, is growing.

The next time you are being silently but publicly abused in unconventional ways, fret not thyself.  There are resources available to help with this, such as getting the help from qualified mental health professional; speaking to someone you trust; and finding ways to uplift yourself. While it is not the easiest thing to navigate as this is meant to break you and bring emotional/psychological harm to you, you can overcome it once you are aware.  Experts agree that getting out of the situation is the goal; however, if that is not immediately possible, for example if it is happening on the job, it is important to believe in yourself and learn to trust yourself.  This means that you recognize what is happening and trust yourself to find an ally that can help you navigate it, especially if you decide to record and report the situation to HR. While this type of abuse will likely continue unchecked, it is always important for victims to explore ways that they can help themselves to mentally navigate these spaces until they are able to leave.  Psychologists agree that a key step to overcoming abuse, even those that have been beautified, is to first recognize what is happening.  Beautified abuse is a form of Covert abuse that doesn’t just occur in intimate partner relationships.  This type of abuse happens in any setting where people co-exist and ultimately offend each other in one way or another. 

Other References

Some Thought about Victimization, Anger and Abuse.  https://www.mentalhelp.net/anger/victimization-and-abuse/

Darji and Howard (2023).  Covert Abuse:  Signs, Effects, and How to Get Help.  https://www.choosingtherapy.com/covert-abuse/#:~:text=Covert%20abuse%20is%20characterized%20by,verbal%20threats%2C%20or%20physical%20harm.

“Surviving Self-Awareness” IS A Thing!

As far as I was concerned, I was taking a long sabbatical from writing poetry and was gonna be completely focused on different types of continuous prose.  However, poetry decided that it wasn’t done with me, and in the midst of my departure, poetry instructed me to engage, by sometimes literally waking me in the middle of the night with pieces that wouldn’t allow me to go back to sleep until I gave birth to them.  The outcome of this is The Broken Repair, my newest publication.  This book of poetry was inspired by pain and overcoming it:  the pain of rejection, the pain of betrayal, the pain of isolation, the pain of shame, and the pain of self-awareness.  In my lukewarm quest to promote the book (because certain types of engagement is still a challenge for me), I mentioned the core features highlighted just now.  Someone who saw “surviving self-awareness”, curiously said, “surviving self-awareness?!”  And I quickly responded “Yes.”

As I attempted to explain the concept, I could tell that they were not necessarily buying into the idea that we can or even need to survive self-awareness.  Surely, self-awareness is not something that anyone would necessarily say that they “survive”, right?  I beg to differ.

A few blog posts ago, I discussed self-awareness as an important aspect of life along with the necessity of operating in the awareness once we discovered same.  This blog asserted that self-awareness is an uncomfortable act because it requires honesty (read more here).  As I continued to experience life first-hand and through the vantage point of others (close friends, family, the general global community via the media, etc.), I realize that anyone interested in exploring their role in how their lives (or a situation) have turned out, good or bad (according to their own definition or according to the standards of righteousness that God has called us to be), it is inevitable that we must look within and honestly confront ourselves for the role we have played, one way or another.  Without repeating my self-awareness blog post of months ago, I have observed, in myself and others, that coming to a point of awareness and operating in that awareness is not something that many are willing or prepared to do, because many of us do not possess the capacity, care, or understanding of how to do that.  Furthermore, when we become aware of self, there are only a few things we can do:

  • Fix ourselves and operate like new
  • Operate in the awareness of the confirmation of who we have always been
  • Acknowledge the awareness but continue in our comfort because the worldly benefits to be derived are more attractive.

Hence, my assertion that “surviving self-awareness” is an actual thing that takes some deliberate and intentional work, once you are serious about doing it right.

Let’s use myself, in parts, as the subject of this explanation.  A lot has happened in my life in the last two decades, or so, that have caused me grief and several things have happened that have brought me happiness.  As far as I am concerned, the difference between a lot and several is significant.  It almost feels like the bad has outweighed the good.  But that’s what bad does:  it feels heavy and likes to cloud the good things in our lives, even when they are not as many – making it feel like it is more significant than the good.  Be that as it may, I like to introspect.  I like to ask myself what my role was in a particular thing.  Even though I like accountability and am honest about recognizing my role, I do not always operate in that awareness. When I started, however, to introspect in Christ, it was a different kettle of fish. I started to look at myself through His lens – i.e. through His words – The Commandments – The Fruit of the Spirit – what He deems Righteousness and Unrighteousness to be, and let me tell you something, it has not been pretty (all this with the understanding that NO ONE IS PERFECT).  Before coming to this renewal – self-awareness hinged on the Lord God Almighty – it was easy to accept what I deemed my flaws to be, what I allow, etc. and move on from that acceptance to being accountable.  Now, it is way different because I am guided by something greater than myself that forces me into a new dispensation of self-examination.  This reconnection has also allowed me to see more clearly those people in my life that have caused me immense pain and sometimes the reason for it, but more importantly that which I am responsible for/what I have allowed, etc.  With this, I have seen how I have caused myself grief, and I also see the grief I have caused.  But how do I survive this different type of clarity about myself and the people around me?  What do I do now that I see me – through Him – flaws and all?

  • I examine myself
  • I accept myself
  • I change myself
  • I pray for myself
  • I pray for others
  • I honor myself
  • I forgive myself
  • I forgive others
  • I accept responsibility
  • I hold myself accountable
  • I seek forgiveness
  • I accept the season of isolation
  • I shun shame
  • I shun evil
  • I love myself
  • I love others
  • I give myself grace

As simple as it looks in black and white, none of it is easy.  When we examine ourselves in Christ, we are called to a different level of honesty or even exposure, because we cannot hide none of who we are, at our core, from Him.  We must rely on the presence of the Holy Spirit to guide us, and when that happens, it is going to be raw, and uncomfortable, and painful, and lonely.  And this is not just for those parts of us that are “bad”.  When the Holy Spirit highlights the good in us and shows us how we have been trampled, it is just as painful as being shown how our bad ways have affected others.  Sometimes, the highlight triggers our old pains.  But this is what must happen for us to move forward and come to our renewal in HIM; ultimately, all of it is worth it. Therefore, we must be willing to survive this process of self-awareness, for it is just that – a process – which is happening with the understanding that despite our greatest efforts, we are all imperfect beings.  Guess what though? Not many of us are prepared to do this.  When we start looking at ourselves through the lens of God, there are many questions or statements that we will ask/make, for example:

  • I was wrong for doing that
  • I should not have done that
  • That was not Christ-like
  • Forgive me, Lord
  • Change me, Lord
  • Fix/heal me, Lord.
  • I am ashamed of myself.
  • They have shamed me.
  • I have shamed myself.
  • How do I navigate isolation?
  • How do I navigate the shame I feel?

All of this requires us, in totality, to do the work, and that is where it gets complex.  No one wants to admit that they were wrong, especially if they have to do it by making the admission to the person they have wronged, OR we do not want to admit that we idolized the people in our lives and that’s why God allowed the betrayal or the shaming, etc.  We do not want to admit that we harbored ill-feelings.  We do not want to admit that we were prideful, even if we are making the admissions only to ourselves.  The truth is that many of us (despite our capacity to readily quote scriptures) know that we are walking around with certain spirits that we need to rid ourselves of but we are not willing to do the work or are more set on the temporal benefits to be derived from those destructive spirits, for example:

  • The spirit of greed
  • The spirit of gossip
  • The spirit of hate
  • The spirit of jealousy
  • The spirit of pride
  • The spirit of sexual deviance/immorality/lust
  • The spirit of fornication
  • The spirit of discord
  • The spirit of anger
  • The spirit of gluttony
  • The spirit of idolatry
  • The spirit of fear
  • The spirit of unfairness

The admission is only part of the work.  What do we do once we have seen these things in ourselves and are desirous of change?  We must, then, learn how to walk in the change that God is making in our lives, which will often mean a number of things (not exhausted here):

  • We lose the people we wanted in our lives
  • People will begin to chastise us for “changing”
  • People will use our awareness against us
  • We may even become transparent (too transparent)
  • We may no longer have pain as our crutch (this is something I will discuss another time)
  • We may even enter into a period of isolation and alienation.

To those who may never accept “surviving self-awareness” as a thing, I say try introspecting, self-reflecting and moving toward fundamental change in Christ and then tell me what has happened.  Let me know how easy it was for you to adjust your walk and operate in the newness of asking for forgiveness and forgiving those who hurt you, and loving those who hate you.  Let me know what has happened once you became exposed to you and you have decided to fix/heal yourself and be an improved version of yourself in HIM.  Let me know how easy it was for you to deactivate your hate toward a person who hurt you, etc. Also, PLEASE let me know if you are TRULY loving yourself through it all. Regardless of what anyone says, I still say, none of it is easy, but all of it is worth it.  “Surviving self-awareness” is what you must do to escape the old you and get to the other side of who you are called to be, in Christ.

Whether you agree or not, please grab yourself a copy of The Broken Repair (volume 1).  The book is a presentation of poems about those things that cause us pain and our attempts at confronting, surviving, and healing ourselves.

Blessings!

THE KILLING WON’T STOP.

Kill (verb)  to cause someone or something to die:

Humans have been fighting with and against each other for as long as humans have been around.  At the end of these fights, someone or something may die, literally or metaphorically. While many will say that a metaphorical death is incomparable to a literal death, others will argue that there are things worse than death.  There are instances in fights where we recover, and there are instances when we do not or feel like we cannot.  Either way, there is usually a category of injury that one or both parties will end up nursing, because of something we consider inconceivable and irreconcilable from which we do not easily heal and that which will, according to some, literally make our lives a living hell. 

Once we interact with others, there is a very great chance that we would, at some point in those interactions, experience a “killing” of sorts – literal or metaphorical.  Some of these killings are fleeting while some of them are organized warfare.   If we are honest, we may even see that we have done some “killing” ourselves, even if we agree or argue that the depth of the “death” was not significant enough to cause long-term harm (how pompous of us to think we know the long-term effects of our actions, but I digress.)

We all experience hardships, which fall under any of the following categories or even a combination of them all:

  • Financial
  • Spiritual
  • Mental
  • Emotional
  • Physical

These hardships are a part of human nature.  Once we are alive, we are, in some way, affected by our environment.  Hardships, at varying degrees, are inevitable.  Then there are those hardships that are directly attached to someone’s deliberate intentions to make our lives a living hell – to kill us or to kill something in us.  This can be because of who we are perceived to be.  This can range from people just simply not liking the way you speak, or they do not like your successes and even hate the way you handle your failures.  It can be anything.  All of what I just said is a given, right?  And we are expected to navigate all of that, and move on with our lives, right?  Well, if only life could be that simple. 

Since we do not exist in isolation of our environment, there is always someone observing us and making the decision to punish us for something we did (intentionally or unintentionally) and in some cases did not do.  This can occur in our homes, at school, in our friendships, in our romantic relationships, on the job, as well as at church – pretty much anywhere humans coexist.  Unless we are told (directly or indirectly), we don’t typically have access to the impact we have on people because of our actions/inactions, especially since people’s views are often thwarted by their perception and/or imaginations.   Some people are quick to forgive, others, not so much.  Unfortunately for many, when a person offends us, we become preoccupied with the offense and the way it makes us feel.  While “feelings” are not bad, on their own, they are often attached to our internal (and often irrational) compasses that determine how we should respond, even if how we “feel” is not necessarily valid, contextually.  Generally, we “feel a certain way” about different things for reasons not always attached to the specific action/offense, to include (but not limited to):

Be that as it may, when we feel some type of way because of something that someone did or said (valid or invalid), we either forgive them and move on, or/and let nature takes its natural course.  Then there are those who will sit in the offense, stew on it, then strategize the demise of the person it is believed to have cause the offense.   In this “organized warfare” mindset, all hell will break loose.

The killing (literal and metaphorical) will, therefore, not stop.

We are living in a time when people will activate the evil within them to inflict the punishment they believe others deserve for what they deem to be a crime against them.  These “crimes” can include any darn thing, such as:

  • Questioning their authority
  • Getting the job they should have gotten
  • Advocating against inequities
  • Driving a “better” car
  • Earning more
  • Earning less and not understanding how to operate in that “belowness”
  • Having a great marriage
  • Being single
  • The appearance of confidence
  • The appearance of strength
  • Stepping out of one’s place (some people like when we remain beneath them)
  • Speaking up
  • “Disrespecting” them

But why do we resort to “killing” – hurting someone else.  Based on my own observations, people do this to assert dominance and to escape their own internal struggles – to mask their own pain.  Psychologists agree that people inflict hurt (physical or mental/emotional, etc.) to escape their own pain or even to “signal their own goodness” (Rai, 2022).  A study also revealed “that people often hurt others because in their mind, it is morally right or even obligatory to be violent[1]”.  In other words, if you hurt me, or step out of line, it is my duty to put you back in your place or “cut you down to size” by inflicting the level of pain or disrespect I feel because of your action (perceived or actual) toward me.

[1] https://rady.ucsd.edu/why/news/2022/06-21-study-suggests-people-hurt-other-people-to-signal-their-own-goodness.html

While it is true that we may not know what we are doing to hurt others, there are other times when know that our actions are offensive.  That’s a given, right?  Consequently, while some will literally put a bounty out on your head, another person will kill you in other ways that if you do not possess a countenance of Job, you will wish you were dead, especially in the workplace.  A few ways that some will kill you outside of physical murder are through:

(read poem, “The B Word” by Stacey A Palmer)

Arguably, while none of these things will cause someone to die, they can all cause something (in us) to die and create irreversible damage.  These things that may die can include, but not limited to:

  • Self-worth
  • Self-esteem
  • Reputation
  • Finances
  • Connections
  • Will to live
  • Ability to function

When a person strategizes on ways to kill and “kill”, the damage can be irreversible; our bodies can die or our will to live may die.   People who respond to their feelings – valid or not – with vengeance (deliberation and organization) are fully aware of potential mental anguish.  In their minds, your punishment and ensuing death, because of their organized warfare, are well deserved.

How do we combat this? 

In my estimation, we can never be fully prepared.  We can, however, understand that evil lurks and often does not look as ugly as evil is.  After all, humans lie to and on each other to maintain relationships. Nevertheless, if we pay close attention, I am sure we will agree that people show us, in one way or another, their propensity for harm.  Even so, there are still a few things we can do:

  • Expect the “killing”, but don’t fear it.
  • Examine ourselves.
  • Address/fix those things in us that cause harm to others.
  • Pray
  • Trust God.

Though the killing won’t stop, we can prepare ourselves to manage our response to it.

WHEN IT’S TIME TO GO, WE KNOW.

Ever been in a situation (work, romantic relationship, friendship, partnership, interactions, etc.) where you feel like you have overstayed your welcome?  Have you ever felt like you have outgrown a space/person or that the space/person has outgrown you?  Have you ever felt like you are just simply not on the same page with someone you are getting to know or have come to see that the long-term relationship you have fostered was bad for your mental health? Have you ever gotten the vibe that people don’t want you around but are simply tolerating you? Have you ever felt in the pit of your stomach that it is time to exit stage left?  Have you ever felt any of those things at the core of who you are but then convince yourself that maybe – just maybe, you need to give the situation (job, relationship, friendship, courtship, interaction, business partnership etc.) another chance, because maybe – just maybe – you are nitpicking?  But then when you go to sleep, you can’t; you are tormented because the discontent is overarchingly strong?  Even so, you remain.

There are so many of us who are existing in a situation or several situations that are slowly killing us, and we still ask the question, “how do I know if I should really go?”

But let’s be honest, that’s a rhetorical question that we are using to bide, buy, or kill time.  I would go further to say that it is a lie we tell ourselves so we can validate and simultaneously hide the fear we have of leaving.  

When it’s time to go we know.

To address this slow death, we must first ask ourselves a simple question and answer it honestly: 

“What is preventing me from just leaving?”

The answers/response that you may honestly tell yourself may include, but are not limited to are:

  • I am afraid I won’t be able to pay my bills.
  • I am afraid I won’t be able to find another partner/job.
  • I have been in this situation for too long; it’s all I know.
  • I am afraid of or do not like the unknown
  • I have been trying to leave but I can’t right now.
  • My assets are tied up
  • I have know them since I was six
  • I have loans
  • I have tried, but I keep returning.
  • They will not force me to leave; I will leave when I want to
  • I am too old to do anything/anyone else.
  • Where am I gonna go? 
  • Whose gonna want me anyway?

Whatever your response to your specific situation, you may be forced to do several things that may or may not bring about a positive change in relation to your situation, which may include, but are not limited to:

  • address the matter head on,
  • bring you into a state of awareness that will cause shame or guilt
  • freeze – curl up and stay
  • execute a plan with a timeline to leave for good.

To argue that we are sometimes not truly sure about whether we should go is what happens before the stage of which I refer.  To those who will still say “but sometimes we just don’t know,” I say, this “I don’t know” stage does not last in prolonged situations where things do not change for the better – they only get worse – or remain stagnant. 

The bottom line is that when we know, WE KNOW because:

  • Our gut tells us.
  • The situation makes it clear.
  • The shame we feel tells us.
  • The betrayal tells us
  • The continued infidelity tells us
  • The abuse we endure while remaining in that space tells us.
  • The Holy Spirit tells us.
  • The Plans that He has for us tells us.
  • The way they treat us tells us.
  • The disloyalty tells us
  • The discord tells us
  • The degradation tells us.
  • The ostracization and alienation tell us.
  • The subtle messages they send tell us.
  • Our discernment tells us.
  • The lies tell us.
  • The lack of respect tells us
  • The affect tells us.

It is not worth the long-term effects on our physical, emotional, and mental health to remain in any space that does not serve us or that we are not serving them.  We owe it to our today and the possibility of a tomorrow to remove ourselves so that we can give ourselves the love that we deserve (and even allow them the love they deserve).  I agree that there are many significant factors why we remain in situations that require us to leave, but the number one factor that all the gurus (psychologists, life coaches, counsellors, etc.) have expressed is “fear”.  I agree. 

Regardless of the situation, I am yet to meet an adult during an endurance test (because that’s what I will call it now) who did not know when they finally got it that it was time to go. 

There are some of you who may debate, but I maintain my stance:  WHEN IT IS TIME TO GO, WE KNOW.

If you don’t, the situations will chew you up and spit you out and you will be left with a version of yourself that you do not like or cannot recognize.  Either way, once you admit that the assertion is true, let’s address why you are still where you are not supposed to be.

The POWER of Keeping your WORD.

For the first time in five years (thank You, Jesus), I became ill with what appears to be the common flu (although I am told that such a thing no longer exists).  Despite not feeling like it, one of my friends encouraged me to go out into the sun.  I did more than just step outside; I drove to the supermarket, which was approximately five minutes from home to get a few needed items to make my “get-better-soup.”    While I had the option of a friend running that errand for me, I wanted to do it myself.  I went to the supermarket with my list of ten items and was out of there in a jiffy.  As I got to the traffic light, which was right by the supermarket, there was a gentleman selling some of the biggest lemons I have ever seen.  Of course, it didn’t occur to me that lemon was a necessity for my getting-better-process until I happened upon the lemon vendor.  Luckily for me, the light was on red.  He came up to the vehicle, and I rolled down the window and asked him the price.  He stated a price that I immediately believed was too pricey.  I told him that I didn’t have as much, while quickly rummaging through my purse.  In that moment, it became even more evident to me that I needed the lemon.  I guess he must have sensed my need, so he reached into the window and said “okay” as he handed me the lemon. “Yuh a bruk mi ducks,” he said, which meant that I was his first buyer of the day.  At that time, it was about noon (on a Sunday).  As I handed him 75 percent of his asking price, he told me that I could bring the balance another time and that he was at that location everyday between a certain time (I can’t remember the time now).  I promised him that I would, asked him his name, and drove off (the light turned green right after our transaction).

As I drove up to my gate and parked, the Holy Spirit instructed me to search my purse and handbag for the balance of Clive’s money.  If you have ever seen a woman’s purse before she has had the chance to clean out receipts, etc., you have an idea of what I had to navigate.  I found it, minus one JMD.  Without a second thought, I drove off to the spot to give Clive the money I promised that I would have given at a later date. 

I entered unto the road and made a quick spin and headed toward the traffic light where he was still peddling his goods.  I rolled down the window and called out to him.

“Clive!” 

When he looked up and saw me, I beckoned to him.  As I handed him his money, I received the biggest face to face smile I have seen on a human in a long while.  His eyes lit up in a way that said, I cannot believe you kept your word.  He looked me in the eyes and simply said, “thank you,” in the middle of another wide smile. “You are welcome,” I said.

As I drove off with the image of Clive’s smile and the twinkle in his eyes on his sunburnt face – this man whose first purchase I was, I couldn’t help but think about the importance of keeping my/our word.  I do not know this man’s story, and I don’t need to.  I felt his heart, and I could see myself in him.  Even though I owed him, his gratitude was palpable.  He was pleasantly surprised that I returned.  His gratitude came out in his posture more than it did in his words.  THAT did something to my psyche and revealed/reminded me of several things:

  • I felt semi guilty thinking that his lemons were not worth his price. 
  • Pay people what they ask for their good/service or leave it alone.
  • I was reminded of the importance of keeping one’s words, specifically in cases where the person can only benefit.  If we tell someone we are going to do something, and it’s within our realm of possibilities to do it, then we SHOULD.  If we can’t keep our word, say so!
  • We must aspire toward KINDNESS, always (there is a difference between kind and nice).
  • I needed those lemons in a way that I didn’t even realize until I saw Clive selling them.
  • I could have gone elsewhere, since this was not my typical supermarket, but I was supposed to go there.
  • Clive was just as important to my get-better-process as the soup I ended up making.  The lemons are doing what they do.
  • It is important for us to listen to that voice inside of us that guides us to do right, in Christ, even as a corrective action to not doing right the first time we are given the chance.

Ultimately, many of us operate in such tunnel vision ways that we are incapable of seeing how our actions affect the other person.  For some of us, this type of behaviour (not keeping our promise) is situational, while for others, not keeping their word is the way of life – it is who they are, fundamentally.  Whatever the case, we are called, especially in these times of everyone wanting more than what we have, even when our more is more than enough, to extend kindness and keep our word.  We may never know the difference we have made to someone’s day.  According to Rolling Stone Magazine, when we keep our word, we are showing that person that we respect them, have their backs, we are trustworthy, and that we also respect ourselves.

As for me, I was happy to see Clive’s smile and what it did to his overall demeanour; I was equally happy that I did what was right in my often-compromised quest toward daily RIGHTEOUSNESS, in CHRIST.