THE SILENT DILEMMA OF WORKPLACE ABUSE

 “If she causes me so much distress, how does she expect me to perform my job well?”

I could tell that my friend was extremely stressed, and by the end of our tête-à-tête, I was able to garner the issue to be a long-standing one for him.  He explained that he had been working in on-the-job-hell, with no end in sight.  As he continued to relay his experiences to me, I realized one very profound thing: his experience was not unique.  On the contrary, this type of workplace abuse is often experienced by so many, yet it goes unchecked, because often the abuser holds a much higher position than the abused.

I recently happened upon a twitter thread of people discussing their horrendous workplace experiences and the effect those experiences have had on them, which ultimately led to many quitting their jobs without knowing from whence their next dollar would come. One statement that resonated from the originator of the thread, who too had to quit his job, reads:

“…there is nothing unprofessional about making fun of managers who disrespect you or your work… silence around abuse only allows it to propagate.”

As controversial as the first part of the statement might be, I do understand how an abused worker could poke fun at the abusive manager as a coping mechanism when relaying the abuse to others.  The second half of the statement is very obvious and true, but often the abused feels powerless to speak up, because of the inflicted punishment that often follows.  What I found was that the persons responding to the original tweet were based in different parts of the world, which is a clear indicator that workplace abuse is more common than it is not – globally.

It appears that this phenomenon is unavoidable

The truth is that a lot of everything happens in the workplace that shouldn’t, because every single workplace, like every other community within every single society has all different types of people from all different types of background with all different types of angst and all different types of morals or the lack thereof.  There is no one single workplace culture that exists in any organization.   While there are Laws, Acts and Policies that should govern how a workplace operates, the workplace culture and the different personality types and moral compass of each person along with fair/fear management are what allow certain things to continue, unaddressed.  Workplace abuse, which includes “sexual harassment, physical violence and emotional abuse[1],” is often experienced by the person of a lower ranking and is often carried out by the person who is in a supervisory capacity or who holds a higher rank than the abused. 

In as much as there are smart and kind people in every workplace, there are also liars, thieves, sexual predators, abusers, misogynists and narcissists too.  The categories presented here are not specific to any gender – good or bad. People are people despite their sex and their position in the organization.  The core of a person does not change because of their workplace position – good or bad.  In fact, a person’s true self is often revealed the longer they remain in an environment.

The workplace is no different.

As much as one can document the abuse they suffer by keeping a log of the things that occur, some supervisors/mangers, etc. who inflict that which constitutes workplace abuse, specifically workplace emotional abuse can often cite issues such as lack of training, employee insecurities and low self-esteem as reason (Bray, 1995) for the “accusations”, which is why it is important for the abused to maintain a log of things as they occur.   From what I have learned and have too experienced (directly and indirectly) supervisors/managers – high ranking officers within an organization – do not always abide by or are not always given the same accountability requirements.  In the end, instances of workplace abuse go unchecked.

When conflict turns to abuse/how did we get here anyway?

“Conflict can occur in any organization when employees with different backgrounds and priorities work together[2].” While on the-job-conflicts occur that are either dealt with professionally and people move on (in one way or the other) ideally, the opposite is also true:  things happen, things fester and people respond to these things in questionable ways – they internalize rather than resolve.    When this happens, the core of a person is manifested; there are different people coexisting in their fundamental state (some of which were mentioned earlier), which is often enhanced by power dynamics.  If we accept this line or reasoning, then we could see how workplace abuse is pretty much unavoidable.  A twitter poll recently conducted revealed that 65% of respondents have experienced workplace abuse, 22% had never thought about it, while 13% indicated that they had never had that experience.

I was recently in a  meeting and got asked the question about how I handle conflict resolution in the workplace/in a team, etc.  My answer is simple.  “Conflict Resolution” does not look the same for everyone, despite what workplace policy dictates, and despite what the HR specialists instruct.  One person can move on from an incident involving two with the mind-set of moving forward respectfully (you don’t have to respect someone to be respectful – but that is for another blog) and focusing on the tasks at hand, while the other person may decide that the resolve they require is more drastic and “pain-inflicting” than the workplace allows.  When a person’s need to exact revenge supersedes reasoning, how then does conflict resolution occur?  At some point, we have to move on respectfully and get the work done, whether we like each other or not.  If protocols are followed and there is a culture of respectability, then the conflict should be “resolved” within the ambit of the workplace.

Sadly, this is not the case for many, if in their estimation the other person – usually he/she operating in subordination – is not sufficiently “punished”.  There are very subtle ways that these abusers will ensure that the offender is emotionally tortured on the job, with the hopes that in the end they would leave.  For example, withholding of information/resources, etc. inciting others to ostracize, preventing promotions, bad-mouthing, and ignoring staff, etc.  The abuse becomes unbearable when a worker’s punishment for an “offense” is never-ending and overlaps into every single dealing they have in the workplace.  There is a lot of borrowed hate (Stacey A Palmer 2020) that happens in large groups/organizations, and others will take it upon themselves to help to inflict the “required punishment” on behalf of someone else, especially those whose on-the-job power renders them unaccountable in relation to the organizational hierarchy.

The dilemma

It becomes a silent dilemma, because so much of this type of abuse goes unchecked, which means that many people are operating in their “9 to5” spaces in utter discontent and unable to function at their optimal.  For some, the thought of getting up each day to enter into that space is very distressing that it can cause a person to suffer anxiety, which can ultimately lead to health issues; the resulting effects of this can be very sinister.  Within the power dynamics, it is usually easier to prove a person’s under-performance than to address those workplace causalities.  Ultimately, no one cares, especially when the perpetrator holds “an upper level” position.  The way they see it, you are at work to work, so you are expected to perform, despite what is happening and by whom the distress is being inflicted.  Herein lies the dilemma.

(And don’t even think that with the online modality that is required in some organizations that this has changed.  Abusers WILL find a way you use Zoom or any other online platform to inflict emotional abuse, but that is for another discussion).

So, what do we do?

It is all well and good for organizations to establish policies that govern operations, but what is the point if they are not used?  People are generally afraid to speak up, even when they witness or experience first-hand emotional and other types of workplace abuse.  Fear management vs fair management (Stacey A Palmer, 2020) is perpetuated. Higher ranking staff who abuse are typically very aware of the power they hold and are often also aware that they are in contempt of workplace ordinance because more times than not, everyone involved understands that the matter, in light of the power dynamics, is treated with scant regard – your word against theirs.

It is, therefore, important for workers who experience workplace abuse to become familiar with their right as workers and to stand in that right.  It is also critical for proper documentation of the abuse to be maintained.  In an ideal situation, the abuser stands accountable, but often they don’t – not in the workplace – and usually not in real life, because of how emotional abuse is often perceived and handled.  So to maintain one’s sanity, it would best to leave, but we all know that is also not always possible. The workplace is an extension of society, so matters of abuse often go unaddressed.   Regrettably, advocates and unions are slow in addressing these matters, but people are encouraged to speak up so that the abuse is not propagated.

[1] Bray C. Defining Workplace Abuse. Affilia. 1995;10(1):87-91. doi:10.1177/088610999501000108

[2] https://www.shrm.org/resourcesandtools/tools-and-samples/toolkits/pages/managingworkplaceconflict.aspx

Leisure time is productivity too!

What does it mean that almost everyone I know, (myself included) has multiple streams of income, and are most times too tired to think, because of how hard we are always working to earn the next dollar or to simply make ends meet?

We live in an era that constantly bombards us with overt and subtle messages that we don’t realize that we are constantly being force-fed messages about the significance of having multiple streams of income that if we do not, we are often left feeling a sense of worthlessness and shame because of our inability to achieve the “living my best life” image that the “Insta” photos constantly promote. 

On every single social media platform that I can think of, the testimonials about the luxurious benefits of earning more have inundated our screens and have seeped into our sub-conscious thereby influencing us, in one way or the other.  If what the media theorists and Public Relations Specialists say about the psychology of media messages is true, do we really have control about how we are responding? According to the Science of Influence Report (2017)[1], Social media is influential in decision-making across generational categories. So, as much as we think we are in full control, we are often guided….one way or the other. 

Before those in the back have my head for this, let me hasten to point out that I am not saying that a person with multiple skills and/or specialized training or even a passion for something should not maximize on opportunities to ensure that they derive the best financial outcomes.   Instead, I am suggesting that as important as that is, it is also important to strike a balance and understand the importance of making quality time for leisure.  Most of us, regardless of this understanding are still unable to. 

It is, therefore, not shocking to that I am admitting that I experienced a strong sense of guilt over the holidays when I spent 10 days just chilling, leisurely.  My leisure-chilling involved basking in nothingness and engaging in “Seinfeld moments conversations” with close friends, as well as watching a Series or two or three or ten.  Never mind that the nine months prior (since the start of the global pandemonium) I was preoccupied with school (teaching and learning), workplace woes, pandemic panic, mental health mayhem and writing – A LOT.    So my 10-day hiatus would have been the needed break.

Yet, we have been so brainwashed to believe that to sit and be still – to find time to listen to the world around us – is unproductive. 

How terrible for us! 

Well, in one of our dining room impromptu quick-chats, I was recently reminded by my offspring that “leisure time is productivity.”  Just like that, she put everything into perspective in four simple words.  It was interesting to hear her take on this, and I thought to myself….

She is very correct.  Leisure time IS productivity, too.

We are definitely being productive, when we treat ourselves to leisure days.  When we do, we are recharging the only us that we have.  Without taking part in leisure activities, we would become robotic humans incapable of truly enjoying the very things and people that we work so hard for.  Let the church say… Amen!  I’m sure that we all agree that life is about more than the multiple jobs that we have.  It follows, then, that we all should strive for leisure time – especially those who work more than they rest. 

How can we truly achieve anything when we are, without real break, so locked into ourselves – so insular – that we do not even take time to appreciate the very small things in our surroundings:  to watch a movie, to listen to our favourite genre of music, to read a book or an article on our favourite topic, to spend time with love, to get to know someone (aahhhmm… well … for those people-persons) or to do just about anything that will bring us the needed break that takes us away from our everyday bustle – to find leisure without work looming over our heads.  Leisure is the leave of absence from work that the mind needs to feed the part of us that require rest and recreation. 

I can attest to the fact that to do otherwise will result in pretty much the same outcome:  we work ourselves to a frazzle that the result is diminishing returns. Lord knows that I, too, have experienced this.  I find that when this happens we tend to lose the purpose and passion behind why we were doing the particular thing in the first place.  Creating that deliberate leisure, based on my offspring’s declaration, means that we are creating a healthier us – mentally and physically – that lets us be better to ourselves and ultimately to our loved ones.   How, then, could anyone not agree with her theory?  After all, we are being productive when we care for ourselves, right?

How do we strike the balance and create the leisure time that we need?

I imagine that most of us will find this a very difficult question to answer, especially within the context of trying to attain those individual goals that we have put in place for ourselves, which we cannot achieve without multiple streams of income.   From my perspective, there is there is no one answer for this.  For me, leisure is not just about sitting and doing nothing.  It is also about taking the time to do something that will literally serve to rejuvenate my mind, spirit and body. If I sit still just to worry, then I am not acting in leisure; I am operating in turmoil, and turmoil cannot bring the peace, mental and spiritual rejuvenation that leisure is intended to bring.  Admittedly, I striving daily to take worry completely out of the mix.

In saying that, I do believe that we each must find that thing that we constitute to be leisure and then practice it well when we do.  I bet after we have deliberately allowed ourselves to accept the importance of leisure time, that we will agree with my offspring that “leisure time is productivity”.  As for me, I will no longer adorn myself with the guilt of taking my leisure as seriously as I do my income-generating endeavours.

Having done that for myself, how do I get the offspring to practice what she so beautifully asserts? That is the parenting question of the day.

[1] https://instituteforpr.org/science-influence-social-media-affects-decision-making-healthcare-travel-retail-financial-industries/

LEAVE MY ICE-CREAM ALONE!

My daughter, for all intents and purposes, sent me a news link to a story about ice-cream recall in China.  The headline reads: “Chinese city reports coronavirus found on ice cream”

What does this mean?!!!!

The moment I opened the message and saw the headline, my heart sank.  I instantly went into ice-cream panic. 

As an ice-cream lover – no… that is too mild a description for my relationship with ice-cream – not just any ice-cream, but GOOD ice-cream (I won’t say the brand here)….  So let’s do this again…. As an Ice-cream FANATIC, I felt victimized and tortured by the headline.  How could it be that the virus has found its way onto the one thing that I still have to myself?  It is not like I can go to the movies the way I used to….

Den nutten can really go so?

As I am writing this I am now getting it – the way the extroverts must feel about being forced to stay in… could this be the universe’ way of putting into perspective the turmoil of the extrovert?  Is this where I now say that “I identify”…..But I digress (as I often do). 

I know that the headline is specific to China, but let us be completely rational here.  When we first heard about the virus, it was specific to China and most people did not necessarily see it entering into the global space, but it did.  So right away my brain started connecting all the dots…every single invisible one, and the questions/thoughts/concerns started flooding my mind:

  • How safe is the ice-cream that I am consuming?
  • If a server is a “carrier”, what are the possibilities of transferring the virus to the icecream?
  • How long does the virus last on the icecream?
  • How easy is it to be transferred to the ice-cream?
  • Is my favourite ice-cream brand/shop following the protocols to ensure that what has ice-cream-occurred in China doesn’t happen here?

What’s an ice-cream lover to now do?  HELP!!

For me, indulging in ice-cream is not just about the taste of it.  It is usually an unwinding experience.  Ice-cream eating is something that I look forward to.  It is a part of my me-time – my leisure!  As much as my love affair with it is so intense, I do not consume it very often.  In fact, I eat ice-cream once every 6 weeks, for the most part.  After all, one has to make efforts to exercise self-control, for VERY obvious reasons.   So understand that, for me, the matter of continued access to ice-cream during the pandemic is important, so this news headline registers as a big LOSS!

Those who know, KNOW. 

On a good ice-cream-indulging-day, I would look forward to going to my favourite spot and ordering any of my favourite flavours and sitting, mostly by myself (or sometimes with one of the 3 other persons with whom I shared this ice-cream commonality) and strategically licking all sides of my sky high cone, in complete silence, until it was all done.  However, Since the pandemic, I have had to sit in my car on location.  This didn’t matter to me; I experienced the very same effect. Licking my ice-cream and taking in my surroundings brings me peace, and I was happy to still be able to do this despite what was happening.

With this new report, however, things have automatically changed for me.  I had an ice-cream date with myself and had to postpone having read the headlines. 

What an ice-cream conundrum! 

One could argue that if we look at life this way, we would not consume anything store bought. The difference is that almost everything else can be washed with vinegar, heated or cooked. The way I see it, the ice-cream gods need to arrange for me to have a consultation with a food biologist/expert, etc. to provide reassuring details about how to proceed, before I venture into my ice-cream eating adventures again.

In the meantime, COVID-19 needs to just chill (on second thought… no chilling, since ice-cream requires that).  How about the virus just disappears completely and LEAVE MY ICE-CREAM ALONE!

Online Modality: the Introvert’s delight!

“I can’t do this any longer; I think I am going to die, if I have to stay home one more day,” exclaimed an extrovert somewhere.

Everywhere I turn, I hear the extroverts murmuring about how much they hate online learning, teaching and working, etc.  Lecturers and students alike are constantly griping about how much they are so pained about not being able to go to the physical school to learn or teach and how because of this, they feel like the pandemic has destroyed their lives, completely.  I almost feel badly for saying this, but …… while I understand the pain…..

….I cannot identify. 

Let me hasten to say that I am in agreement that the pandemic has created quite the uproar for many of us, but being required to operate virtually has not been an inconvenience…. NOT for me.  Put me before a computer, turn the cameras off (or turn them on intermittently) and teach me everything and anything, and best believe that I WILL learn.  I do not require face to face interactions with my lecturer nor do I with my fellow classmates. I engage just fine via the internet, and all is well in my learning world. 

Where my fellow introverts at?!

 Let us be honest, the online modality allows us to be in our chillest of modes, wearing our chillest of clothes, in our chillest of space, just chilling, while being free to be the introverts that we are.  Also, I am able to multi-task and do all the other things that I would have otherwise had to wait to do had I been in a specific location away from home.  I cook, I clean, I eat, I read, I write, etc. and none is the wiser, because my ear phones are in, my mic is mute, and I am listening in (for the most part).  When there is something to say, I say it.  When I am called upon, I respond.  What’s not to love?

I know I am not the only one!

The same is applied to the other capacities in which I operate in an online modality.  As a part-time lecturer, it is a little harder, because I am forced to encounter students who are on the other side of the spectrum – those students who refuse to participate, which makes it a little bit more difficult to ascertain the learning curve.  There are those who are also exactly like me, so I have to find more creative ways to get them to turn on their cameras and keep them engaged.  The only issue with this, for an introvert like me, is that teaching online requires way more interactive effort than it normally would had I been face to face.  Still, it is my preference.

As for work meetings, PTA meetings, group meetings, church meetings and zoom parties…and the list goes on, the introvert operates well in these scenarios. In fact, we are now more likely to participate in these activities than ever before, because being online allows us to remain incognito until we are required to assert our points of view.  I use the word “assert,” because I want to make a very clear point that being an introvert does not mean that we are shy… farthest from the truth. We say what we are required to say and then we skedaddle.

There are other benefits that the introverts derive from this new dispensation, but I will not mention them here, because I would be giving too much away, and I definitely do not want to be kicked out of the introvert community.  LOL

What does it mean for us when all this ends?

Obviously, we are not happy that there is a pandemic and want it to end RIGHT NOW.  We are deeply affected by the ways in which this has affected us and others. We are constantly thinking about ways in which to keep ourselves everyone else around us safe…. In this way, we are like everybody else.

But….

We dread what will happen when we will not have a choice but to interact the way we once did before this pandemic madness began.  There will be no more social distancing.  We will no longer have the “you are too close” or “…it’s a pandemic” excuse as our crutch.   Introverts are in the minority, so we are going to have to go back to explaining to those who do not understand that we are okay when we are silent or when we are deliberately social distancing.  We also will not be able to talk out loud to ourselves, since there will no longer be masks to hide that.  Plus, we have to, once again, make up excuses about why we are not able to go to the outing that we really do not want to go to.  We are dreading those things. I caution all extroverts to remember that…

…the extent to which you itch to go out is the same desire we have to stay in.  

For now, while everyone else is complaining about the six feet protocols and being forced to forego parties and public gatherings, we are sitting back and watching y’all become flustered as we remain online working, learning and creating – in the introvert’s delight!

MINDING OUR children’s BUSINESS.

If you know anything about us introverts it is that we are good with just a hello.  The unnecessary chatter is not something that we encourage, unless we are with those very few we truly want to chat …

So imagine my complete inconvenience when I was stopped by someone whose sole purpose was to remind me of an experience my offspring had several moons ago.  So why did I even stand there to listen you may ask?  The answer is simple, I just did.  Furthermore, the introvert is always accused of being “rude”, “stand-offish”, “unfriendly”, “weird”, “sometimeish” … and the list goes on, so in a failed attempt to abide by society’s expectations, I stood in self-inflicted punishment while this person (not a part of the parenting village) provided their unsolicited take…

To pass the time, I started writing a poem in my head while this person spewed.  Somewhere between the middle of this person’s opinion and my internal poetry-writing, I was interrupted by another thought (because us introverts think A LOT – it is how we create): 

We should NEVER chastise our children for making similar “mistakes” we made as children, and we should never entertain ANYONE who thinks they can.

 I am careful to say “entertain”, because it is not always necessary to “confront” and/or “put someone in their place”.  It is better, in some cases, to “maintain the peace” and find a reason to excuse yourself –  to just skedaddle from the ramblings.  Sometimes you may just have to stand there. After all, “there is no point in making an enemy out of a thief; just hide your valuables, and keep it moving” (2020 lesson no.5).     

I digress… (as I usually do…)

The truth is, I really could have excused myself, but I chose to remain, for more reasons than one.  Plus, sometimes you have let a person “tell you who they are” by hearing what they have to say. 

Later that day, I also thought about some parents’ need to share too much of  parenting experiences with others.  Some parents volunteer too many “private” details about children’s business with others who do not always have good intentions or thoughts. 

We need to stop!

While sharing is necessary to help with the parenting process, we must be careful with whom we share and about what we share in relation to our children’s growth journey.  While I will be the first to admit that I do not know everything, I continue to teach my offspring to stand firmly in her truths and to NOT let anyone use her journey as a weapon against her by shaming her into permanent hiding.  After all, we live in an era where shame is one of the most popular weapons used by many, especially grown folks. Social media and the finger warriors are just as vicious as those adults who will place their limited understanding and visceral misinterpretations unto our children thereby attaching certain labels that have nothing to do with who we are raising our children to be or who they are at their core. 

Sometimes life requires us to learn by actually learning.

Let me give pause for a second to those who may argue that they won’t hide what their children do…. Read again.  That is not what is being promoted here.  In fact, a part of how we handle these “indiscretions” as parents is to hold our children accountable.  The manner in which we do so is incumbent on the individual context. Also, depending on what they have done, there is likely to be some amount of embarrassment and shame.  The point is to not let another adult (parents included) weaponize that shame by attaching labels about who our children are NOT.     

We must, therefore, be mindful of the adults in our children’s space.  We must also respect our children’s privacy by treating with dignity their “sacred truths” from which life-long lessons are formed.  While a person may have some access because of proximity (in one way or another), not everyone you know should know what is happening with your child.  Not everyone who thinks they know what you know that they do not know should be allowed to speak on your child – at least not to you or to the child. Such a person should definitely not be allowed to take up residence in your psyche. Their opinion about what they may think they know should be treated as such – an opinion. After all, “context is important to critique”[1].  In other words, if you do not have access to context, then your interpretation might very well be skewed.

How many of us actually realize this?

In this age, with everything being so fast-paced and where morals are not quite what they were, it is prudent for us to speak positivity over our children.  Consequently, we have to be very deliberate about those we allow to interject their thoughts unto them.   Our children will ALWAYS do something that hurts or shocks us.  This is nothing new.  It is how we respond that will, more likely than not, determine the extent of their growth (or the lack thereof).

Show me a parent who has never had an off-putting experience with a child, let alone their child, and I show you a liar. 

When I think back on my youth, I shudder to think about some of the things I did, some of which my mother is clueless about to this day.  I also had the experience where adults chastised me into thinking that my indiscretions made me the worst person alive.  While I am not encouraging us to let our children roam wild in the proverbial streets (for all those people in the “back”), our children deserve the support, understanding and allowance we may not have been given when we were children. 

What many of us fail to truly grasp is that children become adults who take their childhood experiences with them into adulthood.  How we respond or allow others to respond to their journey will make a difference to how they respond when they, too, become adults.

Ease up pan di critique, and offer a word of encouragement.  You were a child once… remember?

Takeaways:

  • Be very selective with whom you speak about your child.
  • Do not volunteer your child’s business in a space that is not “safe”.
  • Honour and monitor your child’s privacy.
  • Help your children to use their “indiscretions” as life lessons
  • There is a difference between chastisement and holding our children accountable.
  • A child’s “growth’s journey” is necessary for their overall development.

BRAWTA:  A brisk walk will deter a chatterbox who doesn’t know that they don’t know what they think they know ….

.

[1] Stacey A Palmer 2018

20 LESSONS LEARNED IN 2020

With all of the hardships and disparity that 2020 has unmasked, there have been some good too. There are those who have actually discovered what it truly means to be “your brother’s keeper”, so there have been many acts of kindness being witnessed all over the world, and many people truly found themselves in the midst of feeling lost and alone.  Interestingly, many remained adamant about not letting 2020 break them and are looking forward to what 2021 will bring, despite the “new strain” and its imminent threat.

As for me, 2020 broke me, and it also repaired me.  It gave me many reasons to give up, but it also provided many more reasons to continue on life’s journey.  Some days were tear-filled, but there were also days of wheezing laughter.  I lost some, but I gained much greater than I had anticipated – more of myself and less of others.  Some friendships were solidified, while others dissipated. Although my faith was waning, it continues to be restored.  Even in moments when I felt I was forsaken by HIM, He became my source of strength and on whom I solely relied. 

So, thank you 2020; despite the pains you brought, you were also a great teacher. 

As I quietly saunter into 2021, I reflect on the gift of the 20 lessons learned in 2020 – the year of perfect vision – and take them into making the new year what it needs to be for me:

  1. In the midst of a pandemic, people will show you one of two things: the e  x  t  e  n  t    of their hate or the MAGNITUDE of their love.

2. Every pain has its purpose.

3. You don’t need to have a lot to give a little.

4. When God calls you out on your mess, be open enough to listen, and be wise enough to change.

5. There is no point in making an enemy out of a thief; just hide your valuables, and keep it moving. 

6. Consistent actions or inaction speak volumes.

7. Affect and bother are the narcissist’s aphrodisiac; respond responsibly.

8. Success is on the other side of your comfort zone.

9. You MUST be deliberate about taking care of your mental health.

10. You can be productive in a pandemic.

11. It is important to remove yourself from the space not meant for you; you disrespect yourself by staying there.

12. Just because you are in a similar boat doesn’t mean that they will lend you their paddle to go up stream.

13. Life re-imagined makes for beautiful discoveries.

14. Parenting in a pandemic requires a different depth that comes ONLY from God!

15. God’s miracle in the making is sometimes presented in an unpleasant package.  #BeStill

16. Hate should serve no other purpose than to highlight the power of LOVE. 

17. A person’s energy will often indicate what they are too “afraid” to tell you.

18. Starting over does not have a time/age limit; just do it!

19. Misogyny cannot survive without the support of women.

20. Rock bottom is a liar from the pit of hell; healing is just around the corner. #HoldOn

Brawta:    Secret battles prevent active love.

Come on 2021…. let’s do this!!

Yuletide in the pandemic

Christmas is around the corner!!!  YAAY!  I can’t wait, because “it’s the most wonderful time of the year…”

Let us hit the pause button on all that excitement, because none of that matters…. TO ME.

Unlike most, Christmas is not my thing, for more reasons than one.  Plus, the commercialized madness does something to my brain…. Whatever the reason(s)…. whenever I receive “Merry Christmas” messages, my first reaction is “okaayyyy….”?  But that is what I say in my head.  Instead of being a Grinch, I usually exchange the quickest most used appreciation platitude I can think of…. “thank you, and same to you….” Either that or the more genuine approach of “happy holidays…”

Don’t judge me… or judge me.

But guess what?  In the grand scheme of parenting things, I am forced to step outside of myself and operate within a compromise, since my daughter is, in parts, the opposite of me. She likes Christmas and SOME of what it brings.  She likes the lights, the trees, the Carols, the family gathering and the food.  Plus, she doesn’t mind opening a gift or two.

(Ok, lemme hasten to say that I LOVE fruit cake and sorrel…. So there is that….)

Back to normal programming….

So how do I usually make this work?

Typically, we decorate our tiny tree, which we have had for about 8 years, and I place a few gifts under the small table on which the tree sits.  On Christmas day, she is excited about opening her gifts, and we do breakfast together.  On Christmas afternoon, she goes elsewhere and engages in all the other components mentioned above.  Her Christmas needs are satisfied.  All is well in my yuletide parenting…. 

That was then….. Now, things have changed… drastically!

This Christmas, we are living in a pandemic where social distancing and mask-wearing are mandated.  Many things about our “usual” are interrupted.  Gatherings cannot be what they were, (even family gatherings) on the premise that these can potentially turn into super-spreader events, especially since people tend to operate in a carefree and maskless manner when they are around loved ones, even when they do not reside with you.

For the introverts like me, especially those who do not engage in the Christmas niceness (I wanted to say madness, but I must respect the Christmas lovers and not be a Grinch), we are good.  The physical/social distancing suits us well.  For my daughter who thrives with a good balance between introversion and extroversion, this has been challenging, with the school year being what is has been.  With this in mind, how do we cater to their Christmas needs and create some yuletide “normalcy” in this new normal?

Admittedly, I do not have all the answers to the parenting quandary, but I do try….

Instead of assuming what would work for her, I listened to her.  She requested for the (tiny) tree to be up early, and for the place to be decorated.  She also requested a very specific menu (she is vegan, and I am not). 

In response, I selected one area in our home and concentrated the decorations there… my 8-year-old tree is up, the lights are up and the “pretty-pretty” too…. There are stars, a 3D paper Santa and a bunch of other Christmassy ornaments (rolls eyes).  She is semi delighted! 

The menu items were prepared and sorrel brewed (hers without any sweeteners, and mine with a toops).  We are well on our way to making this for her what she wants it to be. 

Me, on the other hand, as long as I have cake, sorrel and a good movie, I am good. 

__________________________________________________

Even with all that re-imagined “yuletiding”, things did not go as I had planned for us on “Christmas day”, because there is ALWAYS something in the parenting journey to put a spoke in our parenting wheels, but we press on, STILL and make it what it we can.

__________________________________________________

What is certain is that the pandemic has interrupted life as we knew it.  Our children are feeling the brunt of it, while parents are struggling to make sense (cents) of it.  Supermarket costs have skyrocketed; jobs are lost; outside school is no-more; face to face socializing has been minimized; uniforms are folded and moulded; book bags are shelved; school shoes are dry-rotting, and social skills are plummeting…

But…we are thankful still!

For those of us fortunate enough to be alive, we are encouraged to make the best of each day. Christmas may not mean anything to some, and for those of you who care, it was not what it used to be.  However, coming to the end of another year, especially 2020 as it has been, is reason enough to step outside of ourselves and re-imagine our modus operandi during the rest of the yuletide season.  It surely represents the end of an unbelievably challenging year and certainly a reason to give thanks to be alive, when so many others have transitioned.   So, if you are like me and do not celebrate in the manner that most do, be thankful still….  In the midst of it all, God is working.  It is hard to believe, but we MUST trust and keep the faith…..

…and let us, in this pandemic pandemonium, be deliberate about how we approach parenting in the New Year….

….while we remain thankful, STILL!

POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION IS REAL…REALLY SERIOUS!

It was six weeks before she was due, but she decided that she would come anyway. To make matters a tad more complicated, she was breached. 

____________________________

The long and short of it is, I was rushed in to do a C-Section, and the rest is history.  It is now 16 ¾ years after, and all is well in the parenting game…. Right?!  WRONG!  ALL is never well; there is always something to fix, navigate, reimagine, throw out, pray over, cry about, give thanks for, laugh about and the list goes on.  Still, we choose to focus on all those positives, and we press along through these parenting streets.

The point is that you never EVER know – TRULY know what a woman – a mother – is going through at any given point of the motherhood journey.

______________________________

On day two of having had the C-Section, I had still not bonded with the offspring nor was I lactating.  Even though my baby bags were packed weeks prior with the essentials, and I had paid for the hospital stay two days before this sudden arrival, I was not mentally ready, and I did not even realize at the time. 

The baby was not latching on, and I had still not gotten used to the fact that I was a MOTHER…  Plus, I had an incision across my stomach that I was trying to get used to.  I did not feel connected to this child who was cut out of me while I was completely anesthetized.  I was an emotional wreck, and no one truly knew this except for a very kind nurse who witnessed my late night tears and utter confusion.  I was becoming more withdrawn, among other things… I even went as far as to tell her that I didn’t want anyone to visit, so they were not to let anyone into the hospital room.   The nurse, in her wisdom, detected what was happening to me, and sat by my bedside and prayed for me as the tears rolled down my cheeks uncontrollably.  She encouraged me to allow my friends and family to visit, and she also talked and prayed me out of a very dark space.  I felt the walls closing in, but she helped me to climb those walls to get to the other side.  At the time, I had no clue that I was teetering on the brink of post-partum depression, but this nurse prevented it from manifesting worse than it could have.  Those few days were very challenging, to say the least.

So imagine the utter despair I would have felt when two women – who were already mothers long before me, came to my hospital room to “visit the baby” and did not even acknowledge me.  This would have been my second introduction to how we terrorize each other – us women.  But I digress…. Or do I….?

But… God IS good.  Thank God for His intervention through that nurse (to date, I still think about her and wish I could remember her name).

Later that night (into the wee hours of the morning), I was jolted out of my slumber, and I rushed to her incubator to see her perched on one side.  The nurses were not paying attention.  My fright, anger, and connection kicked in concurrently.  Let’s just say that the response of the nurse on duty was quick.  As the nurse adjusted my baby’s position in the incubator, so did my heart make an automatic adjustment, and we have been completely connected since then – my pumpkin and I.

The point of this story?  Because every weh u tun lesson deh deh fi learn. (Everywhere you turn, there is a lesson to be learned).

I thought about my situation when the news of the “coronation market baby” broke.  As the news has reported…. A baby girl was found in the Coronation Market (Kingston, Jamaica) and safely turned over to the authorities.  This made headlines, and the suppositions ensued.  Some said the mother was wicked; others said she could have left her some place safer; there are those who agree that she must have done the best she could have; whilst others are wondering where the father is; some say she deserves jail time.  Then, there are those who are aware of other mental health challenges that come with a new born, i.e. the baby blues or the more severe post-partum depression/post-partum psychosis and how these can often manifest into more sinister outcomes. 

Mothers like the one reported need advocacy, not chastisement.  

Up to the point of writing this, there had been no (public) report of this lady’s identification, her situation or her real reason for leaving this child the way she did.  Is she even alive (literally and metaphorically)?  The point is, the baby was found and is now being cared for by the state, and the mother had her reason (whether we agree or NOT). There are many reasons that could have driven her to this point…

The intersectionality is endless!

I caution us – every single person who has ever interacted with, know of, related to, associated with, looked at a pregnant woman – a mother (new and old) that post-partum depression is real, and it is also REALLY VERY CHALLENGING.  This is something that has affected many more women than are willing to admit.  The thoughts that accompany this affliction are so sinister that most are too ashamed to even utter them, even after those thoughts have passed through.  We MUST, therefore, endeavour to think outside of what we KNOW and realize that there is a LOT more that we are CLUELESS ABOUT. 

If we sit in that space of CLUELESSNESS, just a tad, we will be forced to learn a little bit more today and situate new knowledge to scenarios for which we do not have context.

Understandably, no one wants to be known as “that” mother, so our great grandmother, mother, aunts, family members and neighbours keep these feelings hidden.  They are not talked about, even years after having experienced it.  After all, having a child should be a joyous moment, so to admit this deep sense of depression and confusion after giving birth makes no sense to those who experience it.  As a consequence, silence and shame ensue, and the cycle continues.

Stewart, et al (2013) states that the signs and symptoms of postpartum depression are generally the same as those associated with major depression occurring at other times, including depressed mood, anhedonia and low energy. Reports of suicidal ideation are also common.  It is prudent to point out that the symptoms can be mild to very severe.  The experts also say that “the potential adverse effect of postpartum depression upon the maternal-infant relationship and child development reinforces the need for early identification and effective treatment models” (p 3).[1]  In other words, post-partum undetected and untreated, can cause irreversible damage to mother and child as well as the community to which they are a part.

Let us, therefore, be a little kinder with our suppositions… Let us endeavour to learn more about what we do not know, especially since everything is amplified now that we are living in the midst of a pandemic that has disproportionately affected women.  After all, postpartum depression (and all the other mental health challenges that come as a result of giving birth) is real and is a more common within our community than we are willing to accept.

[1] Robertson, E., Celasun, N., and Stewart, D.E. (2003). Risk factors for postpartum depression. In Stewart, D.E., Robertson, E., Dennis, C.-L., Grace, S.L., & Wallington, T. (2003). Postpartum depression: Literature review of risk factors and interventions

POSITIVE PARENTING: It is NEVER too late!

While the challenges of the pandemic are mounting, we are forced to dig deep within the recesses of our soul and everything we have been taught in Sabbath/Sunday school about God’s goodness and His grace, in order to get through it all.  I know that I cannot be the only parent who has said “I’m over it” at points, because I am also the parent who says “everything happens for a reason…” or “in God’s timing….”.  Even though we are not always one way, we MUST ensure that we maintain a positive outlook, for the most part. 

Though difficult, it is NOT an impossible feat.

Within this context, I do not know any parent/guardian interested in “parenting right” who has never once said, this is hard.  As a parent of an almost 17-year-old, I agree.  Parenting is one of the most challenging tasks I have ever undertaken, because it requires every single facet of who I am as an individual – mental, physical, psychological, emotional, financial,, etc.  All the ALs you can think of, parenting requires it and does not care if one or all are depleted.

Parenting requires you to dig deep into the reserves you don’t even know you possess.

I literally was minding my other business outside of the parenting scope and happened upon UNICEF’s definition of “positive parenting” (which motivated today’s post) and realized that it is not just a concept to be read and left in the pages of UNICEF’s document.  It truly is something that must be deconstructed, ruminated and acted upon.  So as UNICEF puts it, positive parenting involves

“educating parents on children’s rights and development to improve parenting practices, with the goal of ending violence, abuse and exploitation of children.  Helping parents improve their skills to manage their children’s behaviour.  Positive parenting is the foundation of curbing violence at home and in the community.  It encourages the engagement of fathers and men and considers the various stages of a child’s life cycle”

Well dang!  That was quite a mouthful and is not for the faint of heart. At first glance, you wonder… am I even capable of achieving this. 

Within most cultural context, children are often told to be quiet; parents do not encourage arguments, because this is seen as a sign of disrespect.  Therefore, when we are speaking to the child about a sensitive and often “disciplinary” matter, we do not require their feedback.  Is this always correct?  We must consider the rights of children[1].

In order for us to truly improve how we parent, we must be willing to do so.  I know, for me, my daughter has complained bitterly bout my PMSing stage, and I have had to check myself and truly correct myself in order to become to her and for her and myself a better version of me right before that menstrual cycle hits. 

Pre Menstrual Syndrome (PMS) is no joke. 

During this time, it affects how the woman may or may not respond to many things in different facets of life.  It is something that can be carefully monitored and corrected, but it takes serious monthly deliberation and concentration.  Me.  Naah. Aks. Christ.  While this PMSing stage is one such example of what can contribute to negativity and how we can improve, there are many other examples that both mother and father can draw upon and work toward positive change for the benefit of child, self and society.

When we teach our children their worth, they learn to value themselves.  The sad thing is that this is not the end all be it all to violence and exploitation against children.  Children continue be harmed in so many ways by their parents, family friends, and members of society who are supposed to be protecting them.  I want to make it clear that the harm is not specific to just physical, but psychological/emotional.  Parents continue to inflict emotional and psychological traumas unto their children by virtue of the things we say as well as our actions (or the lack thereof).  While children are often said to be resilient, the effects of these unseen traumas are life-altering and damaging and often very hard to correct.  As parents, we have that responsibility to check ourselves and correct ourselves. 

It is never too late.

The fact that the mother is not mentioned anywhere in the definition suggests that the bulk of the parenting responsibility lies with her – that it is a given.  I find that somewhat problematic (but that is for another post).  Still, the engagement of fathers is very vital in every child’s life – true –  but I often argue that it should not just be the engagement of fathers, but it should be the engagement of a positive father.  A father who wants to do right by his child. A father who understands his role in his child’s life and will do that which is necessary to ensure that his positive presence is felt.  Children observe.  Children ruminate.  Children deconstruct.  And then they carry with them those key points that they, too, garner.  So fathers are also REQUIRED to understand that the nature of their “engagement” is critical to who the child become as adults.

Honestly, it is difficult, because within the deconstruction of this positive parenting definition lies a ton of variables that must be considered in order to get to the crux of achieving that which is required for the various stages of a child’s life cycle, especially in parenting situations that are not ideal.  Nevertheless, I am sure even those situations that appear ideal, parents will quickly argue that all that things are not always what they appear to be.   

The half has never been told.

Notwithstanding, as parents, we do have that responsibility to help ourselves to improve ourselves so that we can properly raise children who will, in turn, become good citizens, who will be of benefit to society and in turn become “positive parents” too.  It is important, however, that within this very great responsibility for us to recognize our weaknesses, discrepancies and blunders throughout the various stages, and learn from them.  In other words, we must strive to be better each time.  I have had my share of shouting when I shouldn’t have.  I have had my share of being quiet, when I needed to have said something. This is something that my daughter hates, and it doesn’t matter that in my mind I am very warranted.  Her response to my shouts (and me being too quiet) forces me to be introspective. 

The truth is that as parents, guardians, caregivers, we are NOT always positive.  While some of us never shout, we have certain bad habits and behaviours that are just as damaging when observed by our children.  As parents, we have to learn to be honest with ourselves, but especially our children (throughout this parenting process).  An apology followed by corrected actions do wonders to the positive parenting process. We should allow our children to witness our growth, so that we can help them to grow into who they have the potential to be thereby making positive contributions to society when they become adults.

[1] https://www.unicef.org/child-rights-convention/convention-text-childrens-version

Low blows: the mask of GBV/IPV[1]

He is relentless in his attacks.  Day after day, month after month, year after year – his “blows” keep coming. 

He just does not stop. 

But where does she turn?  To whom does she report this?  Down-trodden, brow-beaten, belittled and disparaged all describe her wounds, so no one takes them seriously.  They can’t see them, because they manifest on the insides and affect her sleep, the way she eats, her liver and her heart.  And he knows this so he continues….

…..him unaccountable and her unaccounted for!

At least he doesn’t hit you, they say.

At least he provides for the home, they say.

At least he puts gas in the car, they say.

At least he carries your bags, they say.

At least he still “loves” you, they say.

Is she alone in the know?  Doesn’t anyone else realize the repercussions of his in-actions? 

So she questions herself, and she blames herself for ALLOWING the proverbial beatings to continue.  It should be easy for her to cut him off – to leave the space they created together.  It should be easy to ward off his attacks – to stop him from the words he spews that no one sees or hears.

“you know he doesn’t really mean it, because his bark is worse than his bite…just ignore him…” They all tell her.

The “It is because he doesn’t respect you…” statement takes the responsibility from him and places it solely unto her. 

So are you saying she is deserving?  Are you saying he is well within his rights…?

Let us take a few minutes out of our 24-hour day to understand that gender based violence/intimate partner violence (GBV/IPV) is not just about the obvious bruising of a physical beating or rape.  It happens in other ways that are not discussed nor accepted, because of the mask it wears.  It is an uncomfortable conversation that few are willing to have, so it is often left out of the loud discourse.  So here are some real-life perspective-putters to indicate a few ways in which the mask is worn to cover up the GBV/IPV:

  • It is the money that is withheld for the child-rearing

If the child is to continue attending school and keeping up appearances then mommy has to keep up appearances too, and keep down her voice.  She must keep up her silence and keep her suffering as part of relationship-rearing or else half the usual monthly amount is put on the table halfway into the next month, then nothing for several weeks past the next month end. He is upset about something, so he is done talking and acting now.  

  • It is the remarks about her to other women who rumour-mill and chastise:  Yes, he doesn’t hit you, but to keep your man you must please your man, that’s why he tells others about how boring, etc. (or worse) you are, so you could get your act together and start working on what he wants you to become (in his image and likeness, for him to call you niceness)
  • It is the withholding of sex:  Withholding sex doesn’t stop there; it is often a pre-cursor to withholding anything next, like withholding his “ok” for you to go out with friends because he doesn’t like that you are finding your voice and talking back.
  • It is the public love and private shame:  Whenever you meet his friends you can’t “bad talk” him because he is sweet when you’re out together in public and even if you do (yes you tell them the truth about his indoor stain) they won’t believe you. In the house you’re called names, shouted at, given the cold shoulder and scolded in advance before going out to be part of his fake show.  Whenever you start to love going out with him and hate coming home with him – you hate to have to come home to him – to the different person he becomes, then you must accept that you’ve been battered and bruised.  
  • It is the public shame and private love:  You may not fit his “ideal” in public. It could be because of your appearance or your lack of social graces (or pretenses). It could be any number of reasons. At home he wants you to satisfy him, so he “loves you” when you do the things he likes in bed.  
  • It is the belittling:  A woman (or man) who internalizes their frequent belittling could suffer debilitating forms of low self-esteem and often is unsure why she/he is always listless and tired.
  • It is the false-witnessing:  False-witnessing loves blame-taking.  When combined, they are often the most emotionally draining and damaging feature of these low blows.  The resulting effects is typically a complete break-down.  The climb back to better emotional adjustment is very demanding especially if pursued in that same false witnessing – blame-taking environment.
  • It is the unpaid bills:  He seeks total control of the household, so as children become teenagers and as they become more assertive or less of their usual pliable selves, he will have none of it. You seek to negotiate a little bit of understanding from him on their behalf, but in response he draws another weapon.  Two bill cycles and the arrears building up on light, water, internet, and cable, you cannot add those to your share of bills so you retreat, and you tell the children “you know all you father, so he is”, and you allow the “weaponizing” of bills to “cuff” you back to silence.
  • It is the gaslighting:  This takes many very damaging forms, but if you’re lowly educated then you would often hear “…that you can’t do? Well you get worse…” (even if you have been exceptional at other things – many other things). If you’re well educated then look out, the gaslighting stings – it really stings. “how you cannot understand this simple thing, how many times we went through this? As a matter of fact, if you didn’t misunderstand me – as usual, we would not have been in this situation…like is only book sense you have…it have a book about why educated people do stupid things, that book is about you?”
  • It is the lambasting:  You’re always criticized – it doesn’t matter about what – you’re criticized. Worse, it’s when the lambasting comes on top of the belittling, false witnessing and game-playing come gas-lighting.  If this is not challenged, it becomes a normal part of the relationship, and it will occur anywhere, anytime – public or private. It can be very embarrassing. Be careful. If lambasting increases, and in the opinion of the “lambaster” the “lambastee” getting worse, frustration can build up, and out of the unexpected comes a vicious slap or an intensifying of all of the low blows or hidden blows above.

WARNING! These things are not easy to recover from – man or woman.

All things considered, the next time you are tempted to participate in chastising into silence anyone who suffers the low blows that mask GBV/IPV, understand that the effects are sometimes more sinister and could take a lifetime of recovery efforts. The next time you scoff at her for speaking her truth about the silent pain she suffers through his unaccounted acts of violence, understand that the outcome is often more devastating than meets the eye.  Understand that this is not a “downtown thing”, but an everywhere thing.

Understand that GBV/IPV continues to survive in higher places because of the mask it wears!

So, tell your daughters and your sons….

Tell your sisters and brothers….

Tell your aunties and uncles….

Tell your mother and father…..

Tell your co-workers and your friends…

Tell anyone who listens or who are willing to hear….

…that instead of shunning the other manifestations (of GBV/IPV) that have similar devastations… to lift a sister (and brother) up in prayer of hope and healing.

Let us endeavour to help by using our words to heal the wounds that we are often not equipped to see!  After all, GBV/IPV is like a nuclear weapon – like a virus – though not seen, it silently disintegrates….

Thanks to Kaydia Allen, BSc, MSc, Mental Health Nurse (UK based) for her insight and expertise.

Thanks to Learrie Barry, MA Development Planning (Grenada based) for providing real life references to substantiate the “GBV mask” indicators, based on his extensive experience of working in the field and at the policy levels.

[1] Gender Based Violence/Intimate Partner Violence